by Lily Foster
He picked up his backpack and wouldn’t meet my eyes, “I’m trying, Darce. I gotta head to class. I have an exam.”
I spent that whole night going over the same things with Jenna. I was getting impatient. I knew Dan would man up. He absolutely adored her. But I was more worried that she wasn’t getting any medical care. It was so frustrating.
The next day I knew I had to see Tom. I needed to reassure him. I walked into the Commons and saw Caitlyn, Rene, Ben, Dan, Chris, Mac, and Tom. My stomach dropped as I saw, sitting next to Tom, Liz and another girl chatting him up. Right past them was Morgan. He was smiling and laughing. The laughter wasn’t subtle or polite, it was the kind of laughter where your whole body shook and your smile was ear-to-ear. He was obviously enjoying their company. I tried to swallow but my throat was bone dry. I thought about going over but I couldn’t. I thought I was going to be sick.
And I was angry.
Guess ur not that patient.
After I fired off that text I turned my phone off immediately, went home, laced up my sneakers, and ran.
He caught up with me the next day as I was making my way across the quad like a zombie. It had been another sleepless night with Jenna. He grabbed my arm and spun me to face him. What the hell? He looked pissed. “You guess I’m not patient? You write some shit like that and then disappear and won’t take my calls? What the hell is up with you lately?”
I felt beaten down, exhausted, and so sad. And then, just like the bad penny she was, Liz literally bounced herself in between us. “Hey!” She looked to me and then Tom and then in an uber-fake, sweet, pleading voice said, “Sorry, hope I’m not interrupting anything. I just wanted to tell you we’re having a party Saturday. You both have to come.”
I knew she was just loving the obvious discord between me and Tom.
Tom kept his gaze on me and said, “Can’t, Liz, I have a rugby thing.”
She was so annoying. She just kept at it, playfully poking Tom in the chest, no less. “Well then our party is going to be rescheduled because I’m not doing it if you’re not there!”
He broke his gaze on me for a second and gave her a faint smile. “Yeah, alright, Liz.”
I felt like I was in some grotesque alternate reality. Was he really engaging in a conversation with her about parties while he and I were practically imploding? I felt like he was showing Liz more warmth and affection than he was me. I began to burn. This was Liz, the girl who had been planting the ugliest seeds of doubt in my head all year long. In the ensuing silence when the moment got, if possible, even more awkward, Liz chirped, “Okay, see you guys!”
I couldn’t believe it. Tom was looking at me now like he was mad…at me? “Well, Darcy?”
I was downright disgusted. “For someone who’s intelligent, you’re pretty stupid. I don’t know what else to say to you, Tom.”
It was a pretty lame comeback but I was just worn down and so, so tired—of everything. I turned and walked away and he didn’t follow me.
How had everything changed?
The rest of the day was a blur. Yes, I knew that I had played a major part in how this all went down but I was pissed at him. Things are a little rough for less than three weeks and he can’t hang in? He’s looking friendlier and friendlier with Morgan and her friends? I felt so confused. I knew he loved me. A few short weeks ago we were blissfully happy. But why did I also have the nagging feeling that Tom could turn his back on me so easily?
I barely got through the rest of my classes that day. Got handed back a C-minus on an organic chem test. Day was getting better and better. I practically face planted onto my bed and cried before falling asleep at like nine o’clock.
My phone woke me up in the middle of the night. I grabbed for it. I was hoping there was a text from Tom.
Plz get in here quick
I ran into Jenna’s room to find her pressed up into a corner of her bed with blood on the sheets. She was a white as a ghost. “Oh my God, Jenna, let me call Dan.”
She practically hissed, “No!”
I was crying by then but I knew I had to snap out of it and take care of her. I grabbed sweats, clean underwear, and then grabbed a pad out of the bathroom. I practically had to dress her. She was almost catatonic. I walked her down the stairs, took Beth’s keys, and drove us straight to St. Anne’s ER, which was about fifteen minutes away. I saw it was two-thirty when we walked in there and, thankfully, the waiting room was empty. I filled out the paperwork and handed over my credit card so that we wouldn’t have to give her parents’ insurance information. They took us right in but the doctor asked me to step outside during the examination. She had bled through everything. I was frantic.
I called Dan. I knew Jenna might be furious with me but I needed him here. I couldn’t shoulder this alone anymore. Of course, he doesn’t answer the phone. I rang Tom, cringing. When he answered his voice was sleepy but icy cool, detached. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry to wake you, Tom. Can you put Dan on the phone? He’s not answering.”
More ice mixed with scorn, “You want Dan?”
“Please, Tom, I don’t have time to get into it with you.”
“You gotta be kidding me. Fuck it. Fine.”
I wanted to fall into his arms crying and slap him at the same time.
“What’s up, Darce, is everything ok?”
“Dan, I’m at St. Anne’s with Jenna. You’ve got to get down here. But don’t tell anyone where you’re going, ok?”
Panic rose in his voice, “What the fuck is going on?”
“Just get here, Dan, ok? She’s going to be alright.” I think.
The nurse called me in a bit later as the doctor was talking to Jenna. He explained she’d had a miscarriage. She was probably nine weeks along from what he could estimate. Jenna cried silently, tears were just streaming down her face. She squeezed my hand and kind of half-croaked, half-whispered, “Ask him. Ask him if I made this—”
“Doctor, she wants to know if this happened because she didn’t get prenatal care soon enough.”
He was kind and fatherly. “No dear. That had nothing to do with it. It’s not as uncommon as you would think. And it should have no bearing on whether or not you’ll be able to conceive in the future.”
Jenna squeezed her eyes shut and nodded.
As the doctor was finishing up, talking to her about setting up a follow-up appointment and birth control options, I looked up to see Dan leaning against the doorway. He had tears streaming down his face. When I saw him I started crying too. I squeezed Jenna’s hand and kissed it as he walked over. I got off the bed and Dan took my place. He wrapped her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head as they both cried together.
I needed to go. Jenna had the person she needed with her now and I had to get Beth’s car back before anyone noticed anything. I walked out as the sky was just starting to get light.
There he was. I was relieved to see him on one hand and also just exhausted at the thought of having to go nine rounds with him right now. “I followed Dan here.” He looked crushed. “Are you ok?”
“I’m fine. I would have told you if it was me, Tom.”
“Is Jenna alright?”
“She will be.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve been a dick, Darcy. I still don’t know what’s going on but I just…I just don’t know how you could shut me out.”
“And I don’t know why you couldn’t have stuck by me, how you could move on so quickly.”
“Move on?”
Tears pricked at my eyes when I looked at him. He came closer and held me. “Please, Darcy, I miss you. What can I do?”
I felt anger, hurt, and pain rise up in me. “Tom,” I moved back out of his arms, “I’m so tired and the last few weeks have been so hard. And, I don’t know, Tom, the way you’ve been? You don’t miss a beat. I’m out of the picture for a few days and you’re having lunch with Morgan and her friends? Even the other day when you and I were talking in the quad, you just dropped everything t
o talk parties with your buddy Liz. I wonder if I really know you.”
He looked at me, eyes-wide, incredulous. “If you know me? How the fuck was I supposed to know what you were dealing with, Darcy? You’ve basically just dropped me. You’re driving me fucking insane!”
“I don’t want this, Tom. I don’t want you upset and I don’t want to be the pathetic, jealous girlfriend. I’m so…,” I was going to tell him I was so tired and so sorry but what came out was, “I’ve got to go. I have to get the car back before Beth wakes up.”
As I left him standing there all I could think was that everything was falling apart. How could I love someone so intensely and then feel something close to hatred when I thought of his stupid, smiling face as he was sitting having lunch with those girls?
I let myself back in quietly, returned the keys to their spot and gathered some fresh sheets, bleach, and a garbage bag to get Jenna’s room back to normal. I cried as I bleached the mattress clean of blood and cried when I threw out the sheets and her clothes.
Oh, Jenna. I could imagine she was feeling a mixture of sadness, loss, relief, and guilt. I know getting Dan there was the right thing to do. He loved her so much. I thought about him holding her with complete love and tenderness. Once he knew, he was there for her. It made me feel the loss of Tom like a kick to the gut. I knew I had shut Tom out. I knew my behavior had been confusing to him. I owed him more of an explanation but that was going to have to wait until later. Right now I needed a shower and a few hours’ sleep.
I woke to my phone ringing. Dan told me they were releasing Jenna in about an hour and he was swinging by to get a change of clothes for her. No one else was home and we both hugged and cried again when he walked in. I told him I was sorry that I hadn’t come to him earlier but he told me he understood.
Jenna looked pale and wiped out when they got back. She and I sat on her bed, me holding her, as Dan parked the car. I was a little worried that she would be mad at me for calling Dan but she wasn’t. “Darcy, you have been so good to me. I love you.”
“Stop. You know you would do the same for me. It’s going to be ok, Jenna.”
Dan walked back in, gave me a kiss on the cheek, climbed right into bed with Jenna, and stroked her hair. I looked at them together for a second before I turned to go. “See you later guys. I love you.”
I needed to talk to Tom. I tried to get a hold of him but he didn’t answer the phone. I hoped it wasn’t because he didn’t want to speak to me but I knew it probably was. I was just going to have to suck it up and go to him. I ran into Chris on my way to Tom’s place. “Hey Darcy, what’s up? You ok?”
I must have looked like the walking dead; everyone I passed had been asking me if I was ok. “I’m alright. I was just heading over to see if Tom was around.”
“He’s at the rugby house. I just came back to get an extra tap for the keg. I’ll take you there.”
I wasn’t in the mood for a party. “Nah, I don’t know, Chris.”
“Oh come on. He’ll be happy if you’re there, Darcy. That boy’s been walking around like a kid who just dropped his ice cream cone for the past few weeks. Come on. You’re coming.”
“Okay.”
Tom
Moved on? I definitely know that girls do not see things exactly the way that guys do but was she seriously suggesting that I wanted to get back together with Morgan? She was either losing it or using that as an excuse to push me away.
I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt because it was obvious that she and Jenna were going through some serious shit together. I had my theories about what was happening there and in my heart I knew if she wasn’t telling me something, she had her reasons. I decided I’d give her some time but not much. Today was Saturday. If she didn’t come to me by tomorrow I was busting her door down and making her see things my way. I wasn’t letting her go. No chance.
I went to the rugby party reluctantly. I felt like shit and happily took the two shots of Patron that Mac lined up for me. I was a few beers in when the party started to get crowded. I saw Liz and Carrie walk in, thankfully without Morgan. I sat in one corner of the room, not really caring if I talked to anyone. Life was going on for everyone else. I sat there scoping, watching the hook-ups in progress; watching a girl whisper into a guy’s ear, a guy’s hand slide down the lower back of some girl. I missed Darcy and I missed touching her so much. The pain of her absence in my life sliced through me like a knife. I’d had enough of this place. I headed into the bathroom. Figured I’d take a leak and then bail.
I was mid-leak when the door opened up. I was mid, “What the fuck?” when Liz walked in and closed the door behind her. “What are you doing, Liz?”
She laughed and turned her head away but her eyes stayed on my lower body. “Oh shit, Tom, finish up.”
I put my junk away and turned to face her, “Hello? What are you doing in here?”
“Sorry, Tom. Hey, you looked so miserable out there. Are you ok?”
I’m thinking, couldn’t she have waited to ask me this until after I exited the bathroom? “I’m fine, Liz.”
“I couldn’t help noticing you’re alone again, Tom. What. Is. Up?”
“Nothing, Liz, just working some things out.”
She moved closer and flashed me a wicked grin. “Tom, I can work some things out for you. Remember?”
I was definitely feeling my liquor but I wasn’t totally out of it, thank God. As she reached for me to get me back out of my pants she said, “Tom, you used to love the way I made you feel.”
See what being a drunk-ass man-whore gets you? Hooking up with my ex’s roommate was definitely up there with my all-time shittiest moments. I thought it was only once but she was making it sound plural. Fuck. This was definitely not happening. “Liz, stop.”
She kept at it, gliding her hands down into the narrow opening she’d made by undoing my top button. “What? Don’t worry, Tom, I’m not looking for a damn proposal. I just want to be with you. Make you feel good. Have some fun. Do you remember how to have fun?”
I firmly moved her away from me. “This isn’t fun. Look, Liz, you’re a nice person. Some guy would be happy to be with you. You don’t need to do this.”
She lowered her head. “That’s why I want you, Tom. You’re a good guy.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, I don’t know about that. Come on, let’s go.”
I turned her around so she was facing front and I was walking behind her, leading her out of the bathroom with my hands on her shoulders. As she opened the door, she turned around and rose up on her toes to give me a peck. “Thanks, Tom.”
I just smiled at her and when I looked up I was looking right at Darcy, who was looking right at Liz. Fuck. Even I knew this looked bad.
Darcy stood immobile for a moment, looking ghostly white, and then turned and stormed out the front door. I went to go after her and was thrown back by a pair of giant hands. Chris had pushed me full force and he was a big dude. “What the fuck, Chris?”
He glared at me. “You’re not going near her, asshole,” he looked to Liz then, “And you, you’re a fucking slut.”
That was it. I went after him then. Was he kidding me, acting all protective over Darcy? Protecting Darcy from me? She was mine. He pinned me after we both landed several punches and had his forearm jammed against my throat. “You done?” When I didn’t answer he yelled, “I brought her here for you, you shit. And you go and do that? You’re the stupidest motherfucker on the planet.”
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
He got up off me, pushed me hard into the floor again, and left. It took me a minute to pull myself together and then Liz was right in my face, “Are you ok? Thanks, Tom. He was so out of line.”
Great, now this one thinks I was fighting for her honor? “Go away, Liz.” When she started to talk again I couldn’t help myself. “Please, shut the fuck up, Liz, and GO AWAY.”
A little battered and bruised I made my way back to c
ampus. When I walked into my place Ben and Dan were sitting on the couch looking like they were waiting for me. Ben started in on me first. “Rough night?”
“You could say that.”
“You want to tell me what happened? I gotta tell you, the version I just heard doesn’t sound like you. Or, at least, not the ‘you’ I’ve known this year.”
“Why don’t you tell me then because I was there and I have no fucking idea what just happened.”
“Chris told me he ran into Darcy; she had come here looking for you. So he took Darcy to the party to meet up with you and when they walked in they saw you and Liz coming out of the bathroom together, you kissing her on the lips, and then when Liz saw Darcy she winked and made some crude gesture of licking her lips like she was savoring the last drops of cum on them. Oh, and I almost forgot the icing on the cake, your pants were undone.”
“That’s not what happened. I’ve gotta go talk to her.”
Dan literally stood up as if he was going to block me when I motioned towards the door. Everyone was pissing me off tonight. “She’s not there, Tom. And anyway, you’re…you’re not going near her right now.”
“What the fuck is the matter with you two? Do you really think I’d do that?” My head sank and I ran my hands through my hair. “I feel like I’m losing her and I can’t stop it. She shut me out of her life for the past month. I know she had her reasons but everything seems like it’s changing. It was perfect and now…”
Ben got a call that I know pertained to me but he got up and walked outside to talk. I had no comment about that; I felt so fucking tired and all the anger had bled out of me. When he was sure we were alone, Dan took a deep, loud breath and spoke slowly. “Hey, look at me. I know this shit is safe with you. Jenna was pregnant. She didn’t tell me, which still hurts like hell. She had a miscarriage the other night. Jenna told me that for the three weeks Darcy knew, she didn’t leave her side. Darcy dropped everything for her.”
“I followed you the night you went to the hospital, Dan. I saw Darcy that next morning when she was leaving but she still wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m just sorry, Dan, that’s gotta hurt like hell.”