by S. M. Shade
“When we pass a pharmacy, we’re stopping to get you some antibiotics,” he insists.
“Fine. Let’s just go.” We don’t get far. Another foot of wet heavy snow has fallen overnight and it’s just too dangerous to keep going. Eric brings me a bottle of antibiotics and cough syrup that contains a wonderful amount of codeine. It allows me to get some sleep at last.
We have to wait three days for the snow to melt before we feel confident we won’t end up in a ditch, or worse. I’ve never felt so exhausted in my life. Even with the medicine, my fever comes and goes and the cough is relentless. Eric bitches at me to eat, but I can’t manage it. We finally make it to Evansville. So close to home…another day or two at the most until I can kiss Abby and hug my kids. Get drunk with Joseph and tell him about all this shit. Let him rub it in that he was right.
“Take this,” Eric demands, thrusting two Ibuprofen and another antibiotic pill toward me. “You’re burning up.”
“Thanks.” I nod and swallow the pills, draining the bottle of water. He hands me a cup of broth and nags me until I get most of it down. “I just need to go to bed,” I murmur. Fuck, my head feels like it may burst. I fall onto the sofa and into the relief of sleep.
“Airen, get up, we need to go.” Eric’s voice invades my dreams.
“Can’t.” I cough. My head is full of hornets and my body has somehow gained a few hundred pounds.
“Yes, you can. Just make it to the truck.” He pulls me to my feet and leads me outside. The cold wind instantly dries my sweat coated skin, making me shiver. He settles me into the truck seat. It’s warm. I know we’re moving, but I have no idea how far we have gone.
The rest of the trip is a blur. I’m a prisoner in a never ending cycle of drug soaked dreams. Or maybe I’m hallucinating. It doesn’t matter. We have been on this road forever, stuck in an endless loop of snow, cold, and misery. Did I die? Am I caught in some purgatory, cursed to search eternally for home? I feel the crunch of the wheels against the snow, hear the scrape of the blade on the road.
Eric’s worried voice occasionally filters through the fog. “Oh, Fuck no! No no no. The goddamn bridge is out!”
Abby.
“Hang on, Airen, just hang on.”
I’m so sorry.
I come to enough to swallow the water, pills , and broth he forces on me only to slip back into the dark where it’s so much more comfortable. Different ceilings. A white one, then a blue, then the black dash of the truck again. Abby comes to me, smiling her mischievous smile, her soft brown eyes reassuring me everything will be all right.
“I missed you, darlin’,” I murmur. “My Abigail.”
“You’re okay, Airen, We’re almost home, I swear.” Eric’s voice echoes through my brain as Abby’s face fades.
“Take care of her, Joseph.”
Abigail.
Lane.
Joseph.
Chapter Nine
Abby
It takes nearly three weeks for Joseph’s burns to heal completely, and he’s left with scars that Julie assures him will fade over time. Jayla and Lexi are living with me while Julie and Emma are staying at Joseph’s place until we get another house equipped for them.
Christmas was a dismal affair. The last two months have been one nightmare after another. I’ve tried to stay cheerful for the kid’s sake, but it’s an everyday struggle. Lexi and Joseph find activities for us to do to keep me busy and distracted. It’s useless. Nothing can fill the Airen shaped hole in my life. He’s dead. He has to be. Nothing else could keep him from us for two months.
Everyday I wake hoping to see his face, hoping I’m wrong. Every thing I see is a reminder of him. His ghost follows me through my day. His arms slide around me as I wash dishes. I see his cocky grin when Carson cracks a joke. Sometimes I swear I hear the sound of his boots dropping on the hall floor, his voice calling out my name, calling me darlin’. His absence is a constant ache that never fades, that no amount of crying can soothe. I’m alone.
Everyone is going to Joseph’s for a New Year’s Eve dinner, and to watch movies on the enormous flat screen that Troy installed in the living room. Part of me hates them all. How can they just go on and have fun without him? We have no idea how he’s suffering or what horrors he’s going through. How can they just smile and laugh and pretend he was never here? I can’t do it. I won’t.
Joseph arrives two hours after Lexi and the kids leave. “Don’t,” I warn him. “You can’t bully me into participating this time. I can’t take it tonight, Joseph.”
A slow sad smile spreads across his face. “I understand, but I don’t want you to spend the night alone. Troy has rearranged the living room and talked everyone into having a sleepover.” He grins wryly, shaking his head.
“Well, we wouldn’t want to spoil their fun,” I reply, hating the bitter sound of my voice.
“Abby,” he scolds.
“I don’t care. Don’t miss out on the party on my account. I’m fine.”
“That’s obvious,” he replies sardonically. “Abby, they miss him too. You can’t fault them for wanting to have a little fun.”
“I’m in a bitchy mood tonight, Joseph. I really want to be left alone.” It’s time I reacquainted myself with my old friend solitude. It was a wonderful two years, but it’s time to face the truth that I’m alone again. No one will ever love me like Airen, and no one could ever fill the void he’s left in me.
“Sorry, you’re stuck with me, girl. Deal with it.” He smiles and flops onto the couch. “Movie or music?”
“Movie,” I relent. “I’ll get us a drink.” Arguing with Joseph once he’s made up his mind is futile. He’s almost as stubborn as me.
“Abby.” I’m pulled from my own little world and my eyes dart to meet Joseph’s.
“What?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, why?” I grab the pitcher of hard lemonade to refill my glass, trying to avoid those green eyes so full of concern.
“I paused the show five minutes ago and you never noticed.” His soft voice envelops me, seeping through the cracks in my armor, raising a lump in my throat as he takes my hand firmly in his. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
“It’s been so long. He’s not coming back,” I sob, voicing the fear that has sunk its teeth in my heart. Saying it aloud makes it real, and I drop onto the couch, burying my face in the cushion.
He’s gone. My Airen is gone. I’ll never hear his voice call me darlin’ in that sweet southern accent again, or tell me I’m too damn stubborn. He’ll never wrap me in his arms, hold my hand, whisper in my ear, or kiss my neck. I’m tortured by memories of us in our summer home, dancing in the living room, laughing and teasing in bed. His smoldering stare that could so easily melt into a loving gaze while he moved inside me. His smile, his eyes, his love. Gone.
Silent arms curl around me, holding me tight while I cry until I’m exhausted. Joseph’s body shakes against mine as he sobs. It’s the first time I’ve seen him crack since Airen’s been gone. He’s been so strong, but he loves Airen as much as I do, and his heart is broken too. We stay that way, arms wrapped tightly around one another until we both calm down.
“Tell me the truth, Joseph. Do you think he’s alive?”
“Oh, Abby.” He shakes his head mournfully. “There’s always hope, but…I don’t think we’ll see him again,” he admits, his voice wavering.
I nod, retreating from his embrace. “Airen would never have left Lane for so long. I keep thinking about what happened with the cult. What if they’ve been captured again? They could be torturing them, starving them.”
“Stop.” Joseph fingers are gentle as they thread through my hair. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
“I feel so guilty because sometimes I think I’d rather he be dead than suffering somewhere, waiting for us to find him,” I confess, ashamed.
“I understand. And you’re right. Sometimes death is better, but I’m not ready to accept that yet.”
“I can’t. I can’t accept that the only man who has ever loved me is dead.”
“No, sweetheart.” He sweeps a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “That’s not true. I love you.”
A small forced grin is all I can manage. “I know that, and the kids love me too, but you know what I mean,” I argue pitifully. His fingers grasp my chin and his eyes darken as they gaze into mine intently.
“No, Abby. I love you. I’ve loved you since you pulled me from the mud two years ago. You and Airen.”
“But…you never said…” I whisper. He’s in love with Airen. I’ve known that since the beginning. Not me.
“And I never intended to, to either of you. You were so perfect for each other, and so head over heels in love, I never would’ve interfered.” Hearing him refer to Airen in the past tense brings back the lump in my throat. “I probably shouldn’t have told you now, while you’re so upset, but I don’t ever want you to feel alone or unloved. You’ll always have me, sweetheart.”
Impulsively, I slip my arms around his neck. “I love you, Joseph, and so did Airen.”
“I know,” he replies softly. My fingers travel through his curls, damp with sweat, while I bring my lips to his. I know it’s wrong. Airen could be alive, but I need him. I need to be close to him. The past months have been so devastating, so lonely. He’s not Airen, but he loves me, and I love him.
After a moments hesitation, he molds his mouth to mine with a low hum. We have kissed before, when we were forced together by a madman, but never like this. We kiss as if we have to, or die. Our tongues meet and massage, tasting the salt of one another’s sadness. I pull his shirt over his head as he unbuttons my blouse, and tosses it aside. After slipping off my shorts, my fingers slide beneath the waistband of his sweat pants.
“Wait, Abby.” My hands fall to my waist when he jumps to his feet and charges across the room, shoving his fingers through his hair, desperate to put some space between us. Leaning against the wall, he gazes at me with tortured eyes. “We can’t do this. Not now.”
I approach him slowly, our eyes locked, my heart thrumming in my ears. My hands settle on his waist while my forehead rests against his bare chest. “I need you,” I murmur. He swallows audibly and cradles my chin in his palm, tilting my head until his misty sea-colored eyes find mine. His thumb traces my bottom lip.
“I want you so bad, but I can’t take advantage of you. You’re hurting, and I don’t want you to regret it later. I couldn’t bear it,” he whispers. I’m swept away by the tenderness in his gaze. He does love me.
“I won’t regret it.” My feet leave the floor as I’m swept into his arms, and carried to my bed. “I can’t sleep here alone,” I protest. “It’s just too…”
“Shh, you’re not alone, never alone,” he interjects in a soft murmur. “I just want to lie here and love on you until we fall asleep.”
His hands caress me gently, soothing my shattered nerves. Fingers stroke over my bare breasts and across my ribs, his palm rubbing warm circles on my belly. It’s more comforting than arousing, and I relax as I weave my fingers into his soft hair, running my hand up and down his spine. Perhaps he’s right, and we only need to be close to each other. Just to feel one another’s love and concern while we grieve for what we have lost. I lean into him, soaking in the physical affection I need so desperately.
Time stands still while we lie together, silently embracing, caressing, and sharing an occasional soft, sweet kiss. My heart is shattered, but I’m not alone in my sorrow. He kisses away my tears while I brush his softly from his cheek. We fall asleep in each others arms, and I dream of Airen’s beautiful face, smirking at me.
“I can’t leave you two alone for a minute.” My chest constricts at the sight of his cocky grin.
“Come back,” I sob, as he begins to fade. “Please come back, Airen.”
“Just try to stop me, darlin’.” He chuckles and presses a soft kiss on my lips before disappearing, leaving me alone in the dark.
The sun beams through a gap in the curtains, striking my face and waking me earlier than usual. It’s only six a.m. and no one will be back until after lunch. Joseph is asleep with his arm tucked securely around me, his leg draped over mine, his face resting between my breasts. For the first time in months I don’t wake with a dark mist wrapped around my heart. I still feel the void of Airen’s absence, the worry and fear, but I don’t feel alone.
Watching him lie there, his mouth so near my breast, makes my heart speed up. I shouldn’t feel this way, so…turned on by the sight of him. Blond stubble covers his jaw, rasping against my skin as he shifts his head. Full lips part on a deep sigh, bathing my skin in warmth. His blond curls are a shaggy mess. I’ve never seen such a combination of adorable and sexy, vulnerable and seductive.
An ache in my neck distracts me from my wanton perusal. Wow. This man can tear up a bed. It looks like he has run a marathon in his sleep. The blankets are a twisted mess and his pillows are on the floor while mine are beneath his head. He wakes, blinking, when I attempt to steal it back.
“Hey,” he says, his voice husky. “What are you doing?”
“Freezing, and trying to reclaim my pillow.” I grin down at him, hoping he doesn’t notice how my nipple hardens when his cheek grazes it.
“Sorry.” He spreads the blanket over us, and pulls me close, nuzzling my hair while I rest my head on his warm chest. We lie quietly for a few minutes, listening to the birds sing their morning tunes.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, breaking the silence.
“Better.” I gaze up at him. “Thanks for staying with me.”
“Anytime, honey.” I glance up at him again and giggle. “What?” A mischievous glint lights his eyes.
“Doesn’t this seem a little weird to you? I mean, I’m lying here in nothing but panties.”
“Nah, weird would be if I were wearing nothing but panties.”
“There’s an image that will haunt me.” I laugh, cuddling closer.
His voice is soft as he kisses my forehead and brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes. “Do you understand why I…couldn’t…last night? I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”
“It’s my big butt isn’t it?” I sigh, trying to look serious.
“Abby!” He shakes his head. “You were too upset to make a decision like that. We both were.”
“I know. You were so good to me. You’re a sweetheart, Joseph, and I love that about you.”
Desire rushes through me as he nuzzles my neck. “Just so you know, I don’t have the self discipline to refuse you a second time.”
I’m suddenly hyperaware of the heat coming from his body, the musky scent of his skin. “Promise?” I whisper into his ear, my voice husky as I catch his earlobe between my lips. A quiet groan rumbles his chest, and his hands slide down my back, slipping beneath my panties to squeeze my ass.
I kiss him slowly, relishing the feel of his incredible lips, drawing them between mine, one then the other, while my fingers run through his downy blond chest hair. “I love your lips on me,” I whisper. He abruptly flips us over so that he’s gazing down at me, eyes glowing with desire while they travel boldly down my form. My body enflames as I watch his face darken with lust, displaying his open hunger for me.
“Everywhere?” he murmurs and begins covering my body with slow, open mouthed kisses. I’ll never forget the sight or feel of those beautiful lips closing on my nipple, tugging gently.
“Joseph,” I whimper.
“You have the sweetest breasts, Abby,” he moans, lavishing them with attention while he removes my panties. I taste the salty skin of his neck before claiming his lips again. His fingers explore me lightly before pressing inside, exploring, rubbing my spot until I moan shamelessly. “You’re so wet,” he groans, his tongue circling mine, mirroring the actions of his fingers buried inside me.
Oh, I’m on fire, already skirting the edge of my orgasm as I push his sweats and boxers off, taking him in my palm. He’s hard and smoo
th, burning hot and pulsing beneath my fingers. Long firm strokes pull a satisfying groan from his lips. His eyes burn as he gazes at me, pink cheeked and panting. So fucking sexy.
“Are you sure, baby?” he whispers.
I nod, breathless and desperate for him. My gasp turns into a moan as he gently presses inside me. “Oh God, yes,” I breathe, the words tumbling out unbidden. Sweet words fall from his lips as he takes me, his loving gaze healing a part of me, stitching together pieces I didn’t know were broken.
“Abby,” he groans, his fingers traveling down to stroke me, sending a burst of sensation sizzling to every nerve ending I possess.
“Don’t stop,” I beg when the feel of him overrides my every thought and worry. There is no pain or heartache. Only Joseph making love to me so tenderly while the sun beams through the window, throwing rippling patterns across our naked bodies. I escape into the sound of his heartbeat, the heat of his breath on my neck, the sensation of his skin against mine.
“God, you feel amazing,” he murmurs. His control slipping, he increases his speed, making me cry out, the waves of pleasure pulsing through me again and again until I’m completely wrung dry. A second later, he follows me, his teeth gritted, coming with a guttural moan so low it’s nearly a growl.
Sweet, soft kisses cover my face, and neck. We lie together in comfortable silence, and the guilt I know I should feel doesn’t take hold. Skin to skin with Joseph, I feel cared for, satisfied and content.
“Please, don’t be sorry, baby,” he pleads quietly, lying with his face resting against my belly, his hand caressing my hip. “Please don’t regret it.”
“I’m not sorry.” I smile down at him shyly. “It was too good to regret.” His eyes sparkle and his mouth turns up with a sexy little grin before he brings his lips to my navel, kissing softly. “You have a thing for belly buttons?” I tease playfully. The instant blush that blooms on his cheeks gives away his answer and makes me giggle. “Really? I was only teasing.”