by S. M. Shade
He shrugs and brushes his thumb across my navel. “It’s sexy. At least I don’t have an obsession with lips.” He grins and kisses my belly, deliberately letting his lips linger against my skin.
“Hmm, only yours,” I whisper, closing my eyes.
“I love you, Abigail,” he murmurs.
For a split second Airen’s dark eyes flash before me, and I’m flooded with remorse. No. He’s gone. Suppressing the guilt, I stroke the back of his head, and thread my fingers through his soft curls. “I love you, too, Joseph.”
Joseph
I know I have to confess to Troy, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. He has suffered so much and I’m afraid of the damage I’ll inflict now that he’s healing. Still, I can’t continue a relationship with him when I don’t love him the way he loves me. It’s not fair to either of us. God, I’m such an asshole; I have to break his heart.
“I’ll never tell anyone,” Abby declares. “You can still make it work with Troy. I’m sorry, Joseph. I was selfish, and I never even thought about how it would affect him. And he’s been so good to me.”
My arms close around her waist. She’s too thin. She’s lost too much weight, grieving for Airen. “No, this is what I want.” Her arms slip around my neck while I kiss her soft lips.
“Me too.” She sighs, pulling my body against hers.
We haven’t slept together again. A few stolen kisses and caresses are all we can manage in a house full of people. Neither of us wishes to sneak around and hide a relationship. I know she’s dealing with her own guilt. I can see it on her face when she smiles at me with love and regret all rolled into one, and I’ve tried to reassure her that Airen wouldn’t mind, that he’d want her to be happy, but I wish I could tell her how I’m so confident of that fact. That he gave me his blessing with Abby if something should ever happen to him. But I don’t want her to believe I only want to be with her out of some misplaced notion of fulfilling a promise to Airen. I want her to know how much she means to me, how much I love her.
She snuck right into my heart with her sweet personality, stubborn strength, and compassionate heart. I was terrified and ashamed when Airen called me out on my feelings for her, but he wasn’t upset. “She loves you, too,” he said, sitting across from me at my kitchen table the day before he left.
“I’ve never…we’ve never…I wouldn’t,” I stammered, trying to find the right words to convince him I’d never hurt him that way. I was sure he could read the guilt on my face. The times I took the flirting a little too far, kissing her neck, holding her in the barn the night we got trapped. I kissed her lips that night, too, though she was asleep. I couldn’t resist. But especially the make out session when the cult leader forced us together. Kissing her passionately, my fingers inside her, her soft hand around my cock. It was wrong, but I was pretty fucked up. In love with both of them, and going crazy alone.
“I know that. Shit, Joseph, it’s not like I think you’re going to run off together. I want to ask you something,” he said, sending my heart rate through the roof. I knew if he asked about that night, I couldn’t lie to him. It turned out his question was way more unexpected. “Do you love her more than Troy?”
“What?”
“You heard me. If I wasn’t here, and you could choose between them, who would it be?”
“Abby,” I replied instantly.
“Then promise me something. If something ever happens to me, whether it’s this trip or ten years from now, you’ll take my place. Take care of my wife and baby. Love her and make her yours.” Shocked, I stared into his dark serious eyes.
“Airen, I don’t know what to say.”
“Say yes, and put my mind at ease. I wouldn’t give her up for anything in the world, but if I’m gone, I want to know she’s with someone I trust, someone who’ll love her…you. Will you?”
Nodding, I reached across and took his hand. “Of course I will.”
“You can’t tell her about this. She won’t understand. If I died, you two would end up together anyway, I know that. I just want you to know I’d be fine with it. And now I expect it. Don’t make me come back and haunt you,” he teased, trying to lighten the tone of the conversation.
“I promise. I’ll take care of her. She’ll never be left alone.”
“Thank you.”
“So, how long do I have to wait? Can I do it in your bed?” I taunted.
“Don’t make me beat your ass before I leave.” And I laughed. We laughed. So goddamned sure such an outcome would never actually happen. Now two months later, I’m lying in his bed, wrapped around his wife, and he’s gone.
“I just need a little time to figure out how to tell Troy,” I murmur, kissing Abby’s lips.
“Take your time. I’ll be here.” She runs her soft hand across the back of my neck. Goddamn it Airen! Look at the position you have shoved me into. It’s not that I don’t want to be with Abby, I do. Still, if Airen hadn’t left I wouldn’t have had the choice to make. Maybe Troy and I would have ended it, but I wouldn’t be betraying him or breaking his heart by leaving him for another.
Though I try not to think of Airen, he’s constantly on my mind. In my life I’ve fallen in love with two men, and both have been taken from me. There were times when I was sure that Airen felt the same for me. The way he kissed me goodbye when I moved in with Troy. There was such a passion and yearning in those dark eyes, as if he wanted so badly to confess something, but couldn’t bear to say it aloud.
The night he sang to me over the bonfire, in front of Abby. It was all the more moving because she was there, and he wasn’t ashamed or trying to conceal his feelings from her. I believe he was beginning to accept who he’d become, perhaps who he’d always been. Now I’ll never know.
I miss him so badly. I’d give almost anything to see that smirking, gorgeous face again. But how could I face him after taking his wife to bed? With or without his permission. He worshipped Abby. I doubt she truly understands the depth of his all encompassing love for her and his family. They were everything to him. Damn it, Airen. Whatever happened, I hope with all my heart that you knew how loved you were. How loved and missed you’ll always remain. And I’m taking care of them, buddy. I’ll always take care of them.
* * * *
A horn blares and I jerk awake, confused. The clock on my dresser reads 4:18 am when I throw myself out of bed to follow the sound.
“Joseph? What’s going on?” Troy mumbles from beneath the comforter.
“I don’t know. It’s coming from Abby’s place. Stay with Walker.”
My breath fogs the air while I sprint through the woods towards Abby’s house, berating myself for leaving her alone. I can barely make out Abby standing with a dark figure in the driveway. Eric! Oh my God! They’re back! Airen. Where’s Airen?
“Abby!” I shout, running faster.
“Joseph! Hurry!” Her panicked voice carries easily across the still night.
“Get Julie!” Eric calls. “Airen’s really sick!” Before I can reply, Carson bursts through the front door.
“Julie’s on her way; I radioed her.”
“Help me get him inside,” Eric barks. Shit. He can’t even walk on his own? Eric slides the van door open and motions for me to hurry. Airen lies slumped over the seat, wrapped in blankets, his face ashen, his eyes sealed shut.
“No,” Abby breathes, her eyes wide with horror at the sight of him so pale and still. He looks like a corpse.
“I’ve got him, Abby.” I slide an arm under his knees and behind his back and lift him, cradling him against my chest like a small child. He’s so light. There’s nothing to him.
“How long has he been unconscious?” Julie demands when I place him on the bed.
“He’s been in and out for over a week, but he hasn’t responded to me at all in the last four hours,” Eric replies. “He’s been sick with a fever and a cough for three weeks, but he said it was just a cold. He’s been taking these.” He thrusts a bottle of pills at
her.
“Okay, everybody out,” she barks, shifting into full doctor mode. She shouts a list of supplies to Jayla who speeds off with Carson to retrieve them. Abby kneels beside Airen while Julie removes his clothes and examines him.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she scolds when Abby lets out a dismayed cry at the sight of his pitifully thin body. He’s emaciated, his normally golden complexion as white as the bed sheets.
“Is he breathing?” she utters, her voice barely audible.
“Yes, and he has a pulse,” Julie mumbles, talking to herself as much as us.
“Do we need to warm him up?”
“No.” Julie glances at the thermometer. “Just the opposite. His fever is over 105 degrees. We have to get it down or he could suffer brain damage. Get a pan of water, room temperature, and some towels.”
When Jayla bursts in with medical supplies, Julie takes them and bustles her and Carson out the door. “Your dad wouldn’t want you to see him like this,” she insists. Carson reluctantly pulls Jayla from the room.
“Take his shorts off and bathe him in the water,” Julie orders. She inserts a needle into his arm and starts an IV drip.
“What are you giving him?” Abby asks.
“A fever reducer and fluids. He’s severely dehydrated.”
Abby pulls off Airen’s shorts and I toss a towel across his hips to cover his privates. We wet the towels and wipe him down gently from head to toe. He’s burning up, his skin on fire beneath our fingers. Julie frowns as she repositions the stethoscope and listens to his lungs. She calls for Jayla again and sends her for an oxygen tank.
“I also need an oxygen sat monitor and IV penicillin.” Jayla nods and rushes off. It’s only been twenty minutes since the horn woke me, but it feels as if I’ve lived an entire day. Am I dreaming? Is he actually here?
“What’s wrong with him?” Abby whispers.
“I think it’s pneumonia.”
“Will he live? Just tell me he’ll live,” she pleads, her voice trembling.
“I’m going to do everything I can,” she replies, stone faced. It isn’t reassuring. “We need to prop him up. He can’t lie flat, there’s too much fluid in his lungs.”
When Jayla returns, Julie clips an oxygen monitor to his finger and she’s obviously disturbed by the results displayed. She places an oxygen mask over his face and observes him while the number increases slightly.
“Better,” she mumbles. When she checks his temperature again the thermometer reads 103 degrees. “It’s coming down. This is all we can do for now.” She regards Abby kindly. “I’m giving him an antibiotic and a fever reducer. The oxygen will help him breathe. When he wakes, we’ll start him on breathing treatments to clear his lungs.”
“Will he be okay?” I ask fearfully.
“It’s going to be touch and go for the next few hours. We have to give the drugs time to work. He’s very weak.” I nod while Abby sinks onto the love seat. Julie leaves us to watch over Airen while she goes to examine Eric. I sit beside Abby and take her hand.
“He came back to die,” she whispers.
“No, baby, don’t say that.” Her arms wrap around me tightly. “He’s strong and as stubborn as you. He’ll fight this.”
“Oh god, Joseph, he was alive all this time,” she groans, overcome with guilt.
“I know, baby, I know.” I can’t think about it now. I just want him to live. “You’re soaking wet, Abby. Put some dry clothes on before you get sick too.” She nods and dresses quickly. We settle on either side of the bed, holding Airen’s hands while he fights to survive.
A few hours later there’s a soft knock at the door and Eric and Troy step inside.
“How is he?” Eric asks.
“His fever is down, but he’s still unconscious,” Abby replies, stroking Airen’s forehead.
“I’m so sorry, Abby. We tried to get back. There was a massive ice storm and then weeks of heavy snow. The Ohio River was flooded and the bridge washed out. I didn’t realize how sick he was.” He gazes at Abby apologetically and gasps in surprise when she embraces him.
“Thank you for bringing him home to me,” she sobs. He holds her tentatively at first before enveloping her in a warm hug.
“I’m sorry it took so long,” he murmurs. “Airen was so worried about you.”
“You got him home alive. Julie said another day and he wouldn’t have made it. Thank you, Eric.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Is there anything I can do?” Troy asks.
“Please just take care of Walker. I want to stay until he wakes up,” I reply, averting my eyes.
“Angel,” he whispers. His hand is smooth when it cups the back of my neck. Soft, brown eyes stare into mine with such sympathy before I fall into his arms, a sobbing mess. “He’s going to make it. Didn’t I tell you not to give up?” He strokes the back of my head and whispers comforting words until I calm down. “Stay with Abby. Don’t worry about Walker, I’ll take him home. Call me if you need me.” I nod and wipe my eyes.
“Eric, did you find your father?” Abby asks.
“He’s dead. We didn’t find anyone else. We never should have gone. We were fools.”
“I’m so sorry. At least you know.” He nods and closes the door behind him. Airen’s temperature returns to normal, and we change his bedding, dressing him in dry clothes. When evening comes and he remains unconscious, Julie chases us from the room.
“You need a break. Get something to eat,” she insists. “I’ll stay with him.”
Abby sits on the living room couch, staring blankly into the fire.
“Are you okay?” I ask, sitting beside her. Her eyes never leave the flames. “You heard Julie, the meds are working. He’s going to make it.” She nods mechanically.
“Everything’s going to be okay.” I run my hand down her back. Her body stiffens and she buries her face in her hands. She’s pulling away, throwing up those walls to shut out the world. “Abby.” I pull her hands from her face. “Talk to me.”
A deep shuddering breath rattles her chest. “All I wanted was for Airen to be alive, to come back to me. And I’m so relieved and happy to see him, but what am I supposed to do now? I have to make a choice between two people I love,” she whispers. The tormented look on her face tears me apart.
“Abby, no. I love you, my precious girl, but I love Airen too. He’s your husband, you have a baby together, and he loves you with all of his heart. I’d never break that up and neither would you. You aren’t choosing. It’s Airen. It’s always been Airen.”
She hugs me hard enough to crack a rib, her voice filled with shame as she replies, “I can’t be sorry, Joseph. I love you. You were there when I needed you. You always have been.”
“We were there when we needed each other.” She nuzzles my hand when I brush her hair off of her flushed damp cheek. “That’ll never change.”
“I feel like a terrible person. I don’t deserve either of you.”
“No, love. Airen will understand. What if it had been six months? A year? When is it okay to move on? He wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone.”
“Are we going to tell him?”
“Do you think we could hide something like this? Could you?” I ask softly, well aware of the answer even before she shakes her head.
“Joseph, I’m so sorry. I know I’m hurting you, and it breaks my heart.”
“Shh, Abby. Airen’s alive. He’s come back to us, and that’s what matters right now. I’ll be fine.”
“Troy doesn’t know. You don’t have to tell him. Don’t let me ruin everything.”
“Stop. I don’t know what I’ll tell Troy, but I can’t be with him anymore and that has nothing to do with you.”
“I used to think women who claimed to be in love with two men were just slutty,” she chokes.
“You aren’t the only one in love with two people.”
Red rimmed eyes meet mine. “But not Troy,” she says softly.
“I tried to be
.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“Don’t I know it.” I hug her again. “You belong with Airen, Abby. Love him enough for the both of us.”
* * * *
“Stop! Airen, it’s me! Stop fighting, you’ll hurt yourself,” Abby cries, pulling me from a dead sleep. It takes me a moment to grasp what’s happening. Airen has awakened in a panic. I place my hands on his shoulders, pinning him to the bed. After a few seconds his eyes clear and he blinks frantically as he focuses on us.
“Joseph? Abby?” he croaks.
“It’s us, buddy.”
“You’re okay, sweetheart,” Abby croons.
“You’re sick. Eric brought you home.”
“Get off me. Hurts to breathe,” he pants.
Abby’s face is pinched with worry. “I’ll get Julie,” she declares, and rushes from the room.
“You have pneumonia.” I pile up his pillows to prop him up. “Try to relax and catch your breath.” He grasps at the oxygen mask when I place it over his face. God, his lips are nearly blue. “Better?”
“A little,” he whispers. Exhaustion shows in his misty eyes when they meet mine. “Take care of them, Joseph.” Oh Airen, please don’t. You have no idea what I’ve done.
I moved too fast, assumed he was gone and claimed Abby as if he never mattered. “Shh, save your breath. You’re going to be fine.”
Abby returns with Julie who quickly takes control, listening to his lungs with a subtle frown on her face. Clipping the oxygen monitor to his finger, she notices the IV line which is currently leaking onto the floor. “You pulled your drip out,” she observes.
“No needles,” he insists, and Julie gives him an exasperated glance before she continues.
“You have pneumonia in both lungs. You’re severely underweight and dehydrated. You’re lucky Eric got you home when he did.” Her no nonsense voice softens. “You’re going to be okay,” she reassures him, squeezing his hand.
“Hurts,” he mumbles, his palm pressed against his chest. “My head too.” Abby’s resolve crumbles in the face of his pain, and tears pour silently down her cheeks.