by S. M. Shade
Abby’s sweet face crumples as Joseph’s words take hold. “I don’t deserve you guys.” She sniffs.
“You deserve to be loved just like we do,” he whispers, his emerald eyes settling on mine. He nods his acceptance almost imperceptibly.
“Let’s take a little time to think about it,” I suggest. “I realize that I dropped it on both of you suddenly, but when I thought I may never see either of you again, I realized what was most important to me. Think about it tonight, and we can discuss it tomorrow when we’re all…less emotional. If we decide this is what we all want, then we’ll have a lot to talk about, details to work out.”
Abby gives a pensive nod. I turn to Joseph. “If you want to try to salvage your relationship with Troy, I’ll understand.”
Shoulders drooping, he shakes his head. “It’s over. I was coming to tell you. This was waiting for me when I got home.” His hands tremble when he hands me a neatly written letter.
Joseph,
Please forgive me for leaving this way. I’m taking the cowardly way out, I know. But if I’d tried to say goodbye properly, you would’ve tried to convince me not to go. If I had to look in those pleading green eyes, my resolve would crumble into pieces and I’d stay. And I just can’t stay, Joseph.
You’ve been so patient with me, and treated me with such kindness, but you don’t love me. I don’t blame you, and I don’t want you to blame yourself. You had feelings for Airen way before we met, and you can’t always control who crawls into your heart. You crawled into mine, Angel, and curled up there. I’ll carry you with me forever.
I’m not sure where I’m headed. Please, don’t worry about me or try to track me down. I need this time on my own. Time to get over you. I’m afraid I’m not the only one who will suffer a broken heart in this situation. Please believe that I’m not saying this out of jealousy or resentment, but love. I love you, and I don’t want you to get hurt.
I know you love Airen, but even if he was willing, could you really be happy sneaking around with him? He’s devoted to Abby and his family. He’ll never leave her. Please, don’t let him prevent you from finding someone to love. Someone who will recognize how special you are, and return your love with the same ferocity. I want that for you. I want you to be happy.
Thank you for seeing me through the aftermath of the worst experience of my life. You helped me heal and made me feel safe. I would never have survived it without you. I’ll never forget you or the things that you and the others have done for me. You’re the most wonderful man I’ve ever known, and I hope you find happiness with someone who will treat you with the love and kindness you deserve.
Please, take care of yourself and Walker. Tell everyone goodbye and let them know how grateful I am for the way they accepted me as family. I love you, Angel.
“I’m so sorry, Joseph,” I murmur, handing the letter back to him.
“I’m sorry as hell that I hurt him, and I’m devastated that he just…left. I hate knowing he’s out there all alone, but I’m not sorry it’s over. I care for him, I really do, and I tried to make it work.” Tears slip down his cheeks, and I put my arm around him. “He’s really gone,” he whispers, and a sob escapes, making him shudder.
“I know, Joey.” His face is hot against my shirt as he sinks into my embrace. The truth is, I barely considered Troy when I thought about our future. All I could see was Abby and Joseph. I can’t explain it. It’s as if from the moment we met a thread was wound around us, weaving us together, entwining our hearts and forsaking all others. Whoever said the heart wants what the heart wants must have been a son of a bitch just like me.
Chapter Eleven
Abby
“I need a drink.” Airen sighs.
“No, you don’t.” I swipe the bottle of bourbon from his hand and toss it to Joseph. “I know this is bound to be an uncomfortable conversation, but we all need to know that it’s not the alcohol talking. Besides, you aren’t even well enough to drink.” Airen definitely stepped outside his comfort zone yesterday, confessing his feelings for Joseph and suggesting this arrangement. Now that he’s faced with the prospect of actually talking about our relationship, he’s anxious and flustered. It’s kind of cute.
We settle on Joseph’s couch. Lately, privacy has been hard to come by, but he’s managed to arrange for us to have the house to ourselves for a few hours. “How are you feeling?” he asks, turning to Airen.
“Much better. I’m glad to be out of that damn bed, and Julie finally had mercy and switched me from an IV to pills.” Joseph nods, and an awkward silence settles over the room. We’re here to talk about our relationship and how we want it to work, but no one seems to know where to begin.
“Okay, I’ll start,” Joseph blurts, taking a deep breath before taking a seat between us. “I want to say something before either of you chooses whether or not to see this through. The most fortunate day of my life was the day I fell into your yard and into this family. I love you both more than I can describe. Words don’t do justice to the extent and depth of my feelings, and no matter how we go on from this moment that will always remain the same.”
God, he’s the sweetest man on the planet. I embrace him and he runs his fingers through my hair. My voice wavers and cracks when I try to respond, until I abandon my attempts and settle for hugging him again.
“If, after some thought you don’t believe this is what you want, I’ll understand. Nothing has to change between us,” he adds, glancing at Airen.
“We want you,” Airen replies, his voice gruff.
“We love you,” I add, regaining my composure. Joseph nods, squeezing my hand.
Airen smirks, leaning back into the cushions. “Is that a yes?”
“Yes,” he whispers, “but I have some concerns.”
“I’m sure we all do. We’ll figure things out,” Airen replies flippantly.
My palms are sweaty as I glance nervously between them. “I have no idea how a three way relationship is supposed to work. I have a million questions.”
Airen smiles at me. “It will work however we want it to, darlin’. We make the rules.”
Joseph shifts in his seat. “We need to be open and honest with each other,” he warns. “I know it may be hard for you, Abby, and even more so for Airen, to be forthcoming about your feelings. But communication is the most important thing in any relationship, and doubly so in a plural one. If we can’t be frank and admit when something is wrong, or if we attempt to hide how we feel, we’ll hurt one another and this will never work.” His gaze falls on Airen.
Airen nods and stares at the floor while he responds. “I’ve thought about this for a long time, so don’t think I’ve made this choice lightly. It doesn’t even feel like a choice. It just feels right,” he murmurs.
Oh, the look on Joseph’s face is heartrending. To hear how Airen wants him, cares for him, after years of longing, leaves him speechless.
Airen turns to me. “My biggest fear is that you’re going to get hurt.” Those beautiful black eyes gaze into mine while he takes my hand. “I don’t want you to think you aren’t enough for me, sweetheart, or that you have to share me with Joseph if that isn’t want you want. You’re my wife, and you’ll always be first in my heart.”
With an apologetic air, he turns to Joseph. “You need to know that as well. I owe you so much. Christ, Joseph…Lane wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you. You risked your life for him, and I’ll never be able to repay what you’ve done for me and mine. Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you, but if this doesn’t work out…” he hesitates.
Joseph nods and replies softly, “Your relationship with your wife should be what’s most important to you. I never expected anything else. If this causes trouble between you, I’ll be the first to step aside. I couldn’t live with the knowledge that I hurt either of you.”
This sounds so unfair, like Joseph is still an outsider in our relationship instead of an equal. If it doesn’t work out, I have every intention of bei
ng the one to leave and let them be together, but I’m not going to argue the point because I know they won’t agree.
“That’s what worries me, Joseph,” I interject. “I’m afraid we’ll hurt you. If this falls apart, Airen and I have each other, but you’ll be alone.”
“Then I’ll be no worse off than I am now. Besides, if our relationship were to fail, I wouldn’t be alone. It’s not like I’d run away,” he scoffs, making light of his remark, but pain darkens his features as he refers to Troy.
I nod, somewhat placated, and slip my arm around Airen. “Don’t worry about me. We’re doing this because we all love each other. It’s not an insinuation that I don’t make you happy. I want this as much as you do.” Maybe more.
Airen hugs me and kisses my forehead before turning to Joseph. “What else has you worried?” he asks in a gentle voice.
Joseph bounds from the couch, pacing the room like a caged animal. “I’m a selfish asshole!” he blurts. “I want you both so much that I’m risking your marriage and our friendship. It’s just…the thought of waking up with you, of being so close to you…it’s incredible.” A tortured expression twists his face, and he swallows hard before continuing.
“My feelings are overshadowing my judgment. Even though I know this could end badly and hurt the two most important people in my life, I can’t say no.” His blond head bows in shame. “My heart has totally eclipsed my brain.”
He’s tearing me to pieces, cutting me wide open, and I see the same watery look in Airen’s eyes. I grasp his hands and tug him back down to sit between us on the couch. “If needing to be with the people you love makes you selfish, than we’re all guilty of the same. You’re over thinking this, Joseph.”
Airen snorts. “And that’s coming from Mrs. Overanalyze Everything.” I smack him playfully and he squeezes my knee. Gazing at Joseph, his mouth twists in amusement. “Look, we’re all essentially stressing over the same thing. We’re terrified that we’ll fuck this up and hurt each other. It doesn’t change the fact we want to be together, does it?” A small grin curls his lips when we shake our heads. “So, we’ll all be selfish assholes together.”
Joseph and I laugh, and I’m relieved to see his face smooth out as the tension drains from his body. I hate to bring up this next issue, but it’s my biggest concern.
“Airen,” I begin, hesitantly. “Do you really think that jealousy won’t be a problem?”
“Why? Does watching me kiss Joseph make you jealous?” Joseph’s face lights with surprise, and Airen’s impish grin makes me giggle. Airen never directly talks about the two of them like that.
“Are you kidding? It’s hot as hell.” I laugh, bumping his shoulder. “But how are you going to feel when you see Joseph…with me? You were a complete ass when Eric wanted to spend time with me and that was totally platonic.”
“It’s different with Joseph,” he mutters, glancing at him self consciously. “If Eric touches you, there will be pieces of him buried all over the yard.”
“I’ll dig the holes,” Joseph says before asking, “If my being with Abby does bother you, will you tell me?”
“Yes, but I swear, it won’t be an issue.”
I nod, already thinking about my next question.
“You don’t believe me?” he asks, his face tense.
“Of course I believe you.” I study my hands nervously, trying to get up the nerve to say what I need to when I’m ashamed of how I feel. I’m about to take selfish to a whole new level. Airen watches me closely, obviously disturbed by my hesitation. His hand runs gently down my back, and Joseph’s fingers close over mine.
“Then what is it, darlin’?”
I can’t look at them. “I realize this is completely unfair and totally selfish,” I warn.
“You can tell us,” Joseph encourages softly when I pause to take a deep breath.
“You can’t have another woman,” I blurt. Smooth, Abby, real smooth.
Identical confused expressions regard me while I continue. “I’m afraid one of you will eventually want to bring another woman into our relationship. It would only be fair since I have both of you, but I couldn’t deal with it. I am that jealous. I can’t even think of you with another woman. It would destroy me,” I confess. I could barely stomach the thought of Emma kissing Joseph. If some bitch even touches Airen, I’ll lose it.
“Abby, no,” Joseph exclaims, glancing at Airen who nods for him to explain. “You have the wrong idea. This is a committed relationship between three people. Like any other relationship, there’s no going outside of it. We can’t bring new people in. If I fell for someone new, male or female, then I’d have to make a choice, you and Airen, or the new person. Same goes for you two.”
Relieved, I wrap my arms around Joseph. “You’re the only one I could ever share him with.”
Airen’s arms are around me as soon as Joseph’s let go. “We feel the same way, sweetheart. You’re the only woman I want,” Airen declares.
“We want,” Joseph corrects, kissing my cheek.
“I feel like I just hit the lottery,” I reply, a surge of happiness flowing through me.
Joseph chuckles. “You and me both, baby.”
“So.” I grin, settling back in the crook of Airen’s arm. “How does this work…you know…sexually? Are we all going to sleep in the same bed?” I can’t just blurt out the real question. Are we all going to fuck each other at once?
Joseph leans back and crosses his legs. “Well, if you get on top and Airen comes around behind...”
“Joseph!” I screech, throwing a pillow at him. Their laughter fills the room.
“I think you and Airen should have some nights to yourselves. You still need your private relationship.” I shake my head. He’s still seeing himself as an outsider in this.
Airen smirks at him. “We all should have one on one time with each other. What if we follow a schedule? The three of us can spend every other night together, and we can rotate on the alternate nights. For example, if we all stay together on Monday night, then you and Abby have Tuesday night to yourselves. We all spend Wednesday night together then Abby and I have Thursday night alone…and so on.”
“Friday night would be all of us, and Saturday would belong to you and Joseph,” I elaborate. I want to be sure they plan to spend time alone as well. “That gives us a one on one night with each other, plus a night alone each week.”
“You’ll need that to recover.” Airen smiles wickedly.
“So will you,” Joseph threatens with an equally sinister smile. The look on Airen’s face is priceless, and now I can’t get the picture of the two of them, naked and sweaty, out of my mind.
“So,” I continue, “on the nights we stay together…we’re going to…I mean…” Ugh! Why can’t I just say it? I feel my face ignite. “I’ve never had a threesome,” I say, the rattle of nerves clearly evident in my voice.
Joseph chuckles and squeezes my knee. “You’re so adorable when you’re all pink cheeked and flustered,” he teases, which of course makes my blush deepen. “It’ll be my first time too, baby.”
Airen tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“I didn’t say I don’t want to. Do I look crazy enough to pass on an opportunity to have the two sexiest men on the planet in my bed?” They laugh, and I feel the tension that’s gripped us since the beginning of this conversation dissipate.
“While we’re on the subject,” Airen speaks up, glancing uncertainly at Joseph. “You should know I’m not going to…” he hesitates.
“Bend over for me?” Joseph’s lips rise in an impish grin, and it’s Airen’s turn to glow firehouse red.
“Yeah, not happening. Exit only.”
“No need to guard your virtue.” Joseph chuckles, enjoying Airen’s embarrassment. “Topping isn’t my style. If you ever have the urge to try it, I’ll be happy to do it for you, but it isn’t my preference, at least when it comes to men.” He winks at
me suggestively, squeezing my knee again. Oh yes, he had no problem giving it to me.
“I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want you to fuck me, Airen. I do, but only if you want to.” Joseph’s voice softens and he rests his hand on Airen’s shoulder. “I know this is new for you. Believe me, I understand. We’ll take our time and learn what you like together. I can teach you. I’m a good teacher.”
Airen nods and gnaws at his bottom lip. I’ve never seen him so uncharacteristically shy. I can tell from Joseph’s body language that he’s itching to embrace him, to reassure him, but he’s afraid it will only embarrass him further.
“It might be easier for you guys to continue this conversation in private,” I suggest, and Airen smiles at me with gratitude. “So, any suggestions on how to tell everyone about this?” I ask, changing the subject.
“We just tell them,” Airen replies. “They’ll accept it or they won’t.”
“Okay then, I’m going to go make dinner and let you guys talk. I’ll see you in a little while.” I kiss Airen, and after hesitating for half a second, press a soft kiss on Joseph’s lips as well. Airen winks at me with a roguish grin on his face when I glance at him warily. It feels so strange to kiss Joseph in front of him.
This is going to be an adjustment for all of us.
* * * *
“Spill it, girl. You’ve been trying to tell me something all day,” Lexi accuses, handing me a cup of coffee.
“You’re going to think I’m a slut,” I mumble, while we take a seat at the kitchen table.
“Because you slept with Joseph?” She regards me with an amused grin. “Give me some credit.” She chuckles, taking in my shocked expression. “You two have been eye fucking each other for weeks.”
“Lexi!” Damn, were we that obvious?