by S. M. Shade
The next morning when I wake, they’re cuddled together, sleeping soundly. God, they’re beautiful. I’m terrified of what today will bring, and aching with guilt for sleeping with Joseph, but my most prominent emotion is anger. They lied to me. Airen bequeathed me to Joseph as surely as if he’d listed me in his will along with his tools and fishing poles.
How could Joseph tell me he loved me when he knew it wasn’t real? How could Airen put him in that position? Saddling him with his pathetic wife for the rest of his life. I’m humiliated, but above all, I’m pissed at myself for believing it, when I damn sure should’ve known better.
How fucking gullible was I to think they both loved me? Now the loss of that belief is a wound I’ll never recover from, an ache that once again drives me to my knees and racks my body with sobs. Their revelation has chipped away at me almost as much as my guilt and grief, leaving me with a desolate pit that can’t be filled, and I hate them almost as much as I love them. I hate that I love them, but I loathe myself for my blind stupidity.
Life goes on whether we want it to or not, and I just have to concentrate on one task at a time if I’m going to make it through the day. My situation may change drastically by nightfall, but as of now I have a sick husband to nurse and a house to run. The sight of my puffy eyes and pink cheeks in the mirror pisses me off again. I can’t keep crying about things I have no control over. I have shit to do.
Just as I pull on my jeans, Joseph bursts through the door. His gaze travels over my messy hair and swollen face, and the look of pity that settles on his face inflames my fury. “Abby? What are you doing, baby? Airen’s looking for you.” I recoil when he approaches to embrace me, and he flinches, hurt shining in his eyes as he withdraws and watches me jerk on my socks. Slipping into my shoes and coat, I attempt to push past him, but he grabs my arm. His grip is tight, but his voice is soft as a shadow. “It’s okay, Abby. I told him everything, and…”
“I know. I heard. Stay with him. I need to get out of here for awhile.” This time when I jerk away, he lets me go, but follows me out the back door.
“Abby! Stop! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell him without you, it just…came out.”
“You guys made plenty of plans behind my back, so why would you include me now?” He pales and his shoulders slump as he realizes what else I heard during his late night confession.
“Abby…” he hesitates, at a loss for words.
“You lied!” I shout, a sob tearing from my throat. “You said you were in love with me!” I’m hauling ass and kicking up snow, but he stays right on my heels as I tramp across the back field and into the barn.
“Sweetheart…I am…”
“Just fucking stop! Save your bullshit! I heard you. You both planned it together. He dumped me on you like a problem child.” He winces as I whirl to face him. “Someone has to take care of poor ugly Abby, right?” Pain spreads through my chest and settles in my stomach. My voice drops to a near whisper as shame rolls through me. “I’m not your responsibility anymore. I’m sorry Airen put you in this position. I’m sorry I needed you, and I hope it wasn’t too…unpleasant…and you can forgive me.”
Ears and cheeks glowing a bright crimson, he snatches my arm as I turn to run again. “Goddamn it Abby! Will you quit running and listen to me?” The indignation in his voice makes me pause, but I’m desperate to escape words I know will tear me apart.
“No! I don’t want to hear it. It hurts too much. I’ve heard it all before. I know you tried to love me. I can’t hear it from you, too, Joseph. I’ve already lost Airen…please let me go…don’t say it…I can’t…”
He jerks me forward into his arms, holding me tight as I sink to my knees, taking him with me. “You’re shredding me to pieces, baby. Please stop. Just stop.” His arms are strong when they pick me up to cradle me against his chest, and I need his strength now that I have nothing left to give. All of the fight has left me, and I cling to him as he moves to sit on a pile of hay near the heater, holding me on his lap.
“How could you think for one second I don’t love you?” he asks, dismay soaking every syllable he utters. “I’ve tried so hard to show you, to be here for you.”
My flat voice is barely recognizable when I answer him. “I appreciate what you were willing to do for me, and everything you’ve done, but it was all for Airen. Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? You slept with me out of a sense of responsibility. It’s a damn good thing he came back or you would’ve been burdened with me for life, and I’d never have known. I would’ve been clueless, blind and desperate enough to believe I struck gold twice.”
“Abby, look at me.” I don’t want to look at him while he explains why he lied, but he’s not going to give up until I do. Steeling myself for the inevitable, I sit back and drag my eyes up to meet his in what feels like a herculean effort. “You recognized my love for Airen right away, you saw right through me, so why can’t you see how hard I’ve fallen for you? Fuck, Abby…Airen told me you have some serious self esteem issues, but I didn’t think…” He sighs, choosing his next words carefully. When I open my mouth to speak, he shakes his head, hard.
“No. You had your say, and now you’re going to listen to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Airen gave me his permission to be with you if something ever happened to him. But that was all it was, Abigail. His blessing. A way to let me know he’d understand. He did it because no matter how well I tried to hide it, he knew I was in love with you.”
His eyes well up as he cups my face in his hands. “I love you, and it fucking kills me I can’t be with you this way anymore.” My lips are caught between his on a soft kiss, and my hand moves of its own accord to thread through his curls. Both reluctant to end what we know will be our last kiss, we linger, exploring and marking the other’s taste in our memories.
“Joseph.” I choke up.
“I know. I don’t know how I’m going to see you every day without kissing you or touching you or making love to you, but you aren’t mine,” he continues, his hoarse voice breaking my heart one word at a time. His left hand runs soothingly up and down my spine while his right tilts my chin until we’re eye to eye again. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I do love you, baby, and I sure as hell didn’t have to try. You’re very easy to love, even if you’re damn difficult to understand.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper.
Tenderly, he brushes my hair from my tear streaked face. “Right now, you go wash your face and take Airen some breakfast. He’s waiting for you.” I feel like I’ve aged a week in the past hour and my day has barely begun. I still have to face Airen, and admit I cheated.
“Okay.” We get to our feet and Joseph embraces me.
“Everything will be okay, Abby, you’ll see. A few months from now things will be back to normal, but no matter what happens, please, never doubt I love you. Whether you believe it or not, you’re beautiful to me, and I’ll always be here when you need me.”
Airen
I wake up alone. Joseph must have left as soon as the sun showed its face. Abby appears with a tray laden with food. She’s determined to fatten me up.
“Good morning, darlin’.”
“Good morning.” She kisses my cheek. “You look better. How do you feel?”
“I feel good. Starving,” I exclaim, digging in to the mile high stack of pancakes. “These are fantastic, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I like to see you eat.” She flashes a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and I pause to study her for a moment. She looks exhausted and far too thin. Dark circles ring her eyes, and her cheeks are unnaturally pale. I realize she’s stressed from everything that’s taken place, but it’s more than that. She looks so lost and sad.
“Sweetheart, what is it?” I catch her small hand in mine. She shakes her head, and turns her back to fiddle with something on the table. “Something is bothering you. Talk to me.”
“Please don’t, Airen. I know Joseph told you that we…what we d
id while you were gone. You don’t have to pretend,” she replies, her eyes downcast.
“Pretend what?” I ask softly.
“That everything is okay. That you aren’t angry and disappointed.” Her lower lip trembles and she swallows. “That you don’t hate me. Please, just let me take care of you until you’re well again. You don’t have to be so…kind, when you should be screaming at me. I betrayed you. I cheated on you and destroyed our marriage.”
“Abigail, no.” She’s so hurt, so immersed in her guilt. “Please, come here.” Placing my tray on the bedside table, I pat the bed beside me. She shakes her head, and walks hurriedly for the door. “Abigail Holder, don’t force me to chase you around this house, and we both know I will,” I threaten, my voice stern. Freezing at my words, she stands motionless in the doorway, her shoulders slumped, torn between running and facing me. After a long minute, she takes a deep breath as if steeling herself for the worst, and acquiesces, joining me on the bed.
Her face is impassive. Hard as stone. I’m familiar with this reaction. It’s the expression she wears when she’s striving to maintain control. When she’s trying to hide. My stubborn, stubborn girl.
“Sweetheart, I could never hate you. I love you with all my heart and nothing could ever change that. You didn’t cheat on me. You thought I was dead, and so did Joseph. Besides, there’s more to it than you realize. There’s something I need to tell you.” I scrub my face with both hands. How do I explain what I’ve done? My worst fear is that she’ll feel like I gave her away, as if she means nothing to me. I’ve dreaded this moment and I pause, attempting to get the words right. I needn’t have worried.
“I know you told Joseph to do it,” she says, her eyes darkening. “I overheard you. You asked him to take your place, but that doesn’t excuse what I did. Your suspicions about me were correct. You sent him to me and I went willingly.” Her eyes brim with tears and she looks down, so ashamed. “Truthfully, I coerced him when he hesitated. After all you’ve done for me, I cheated. I threw it all away for a man who never wanted me, who was burdened with caring for me to honor the man he loves,” she says, her body shaking with silent sobs she’s fighting to suppress.
Witnessing her heartbreak wounds me far deeper than any physical pain I’ve ever endured. Hearing her insecurity, the disgust and contempt she feels for herself, pour out of her like poison, tears me apart. She’ll never understand how wrong she is. How loved she is. I embrace her as tight as I can while she cries with her face buried in my chest. When she calms down, she’s too ashamed to look at me. Lightly gripping her chin, I tilt her head until her soft brown eyes meet mine.
“Abigail, sweetheart…you’re so wrong it hurts.” Skepticism floods her face and her guard slams down, hardening her features. My girl, stubborn to her core. “No, listen to me,” I demand. “I know how you feel about Joseph. I’m aware that you love him. Now, answer me honestly. Does your love for him in any way affect your love for me?”
“No,” she replies desperately, a pleading expression on her face. “Airen, I love you so much I could die of it. There could never be anyone above you. It will always be you. Whether you intended for it to happen or not, what I did was wrong. There aren’t enough apologies in the world, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to earn back your trust and forgiveness.”
“Abby.” I shake my head, swallowing the lump in my throat, and taking her shaking hands in mine. “I wish you could love yourself as ferociously as you do others. You don’t need my forgiveness, my sweet girl, and you always have my trust.”
“You love us both, darlin’, and Joseph feels the same about you and me. Yes, I asked him to be with you if the time came when I couldn’t be, but it wasn’t necessary. With the love the two of you share, it was inevitable. I only wanted him to know that it was okay, to assure you that you shouldn’t feel guilty for loving him. I want you to be happy and loved no matter what happens. Joseph wasn’t with you as some favor to me, Abby. He loves you.”
Tears streak her cheeks and drip from her chin as my words sink in.
“I realize I’ve kept things from you, and I’m sorry, but have I ever lied to you, Abigail?”
“No,” she whispers.
“Then please, trust me.”
There’s a light knock before Joseph peeks his head around the door. “Sorry, I can come back later,” he offers, gazing uncertainly at Abby’s red eyes and puffy cheeks.
“No, come in. I want to talk to both of you,” I insist. “We need to clear the air.”
Joseph nods and sits quietly beside Abby. I can tell he has something else on his mind, but I have to get this straightened out first.
“My…disappearance has made a mess of things between the three of us, and I’m so sorry. Although I’ve said this to each of you, I want you both to hear it again. I’m not upset that you slept together. You needed one another, and I understand. Abby, you did not cheat on me, and I don’t want to hear that again. Joseph, you loved and cared for my wife in my absence and I’ll never forget it. As far as either of you knew, I was dead.” My gaze alternates between them. “Please, let go of the guilt.”
Abby throws her arms around me and squeezes me tight, enveloping me in all the love and affection she’s held back out of her fear and guilt. “I missed you so much,” she sobs. I slide my hands under the back of her shirt to caress her smooth hot skin.
“I know, darlin’. Every day was like a year without you.” My voice cracks and I have to wipe my eyes. Once she gains her composure, she faces us with a determined look.
“While we’re getting things out in the open, I need to say something.” She gazes long at Joseph before shifting her regard to me. “I saw you kiss Joseph.”
“Abby…” Joseph moans, preparing to apologize.
“No,” she interjects. “It was beautiful and loving and I wouldn’t begrudge either of you a second of it.” Her hand grips mine as she turns to me. “Joseph loves you, and it’s time for you to admit that you feel the same about him. Maybe you think it doesn’t show, but it’s written in flashing lights across your forehead. There’s always been something special between you, and I can’t stand in the way of it any longer. You love each other and you should have a chance to be together.”
Before I can respond, Joseph pulls her into a fierce embrace. “You’re the sweetest, loveliest, most selfless woman,” he murmurs. He grasps her hand and stares into her eyes. “I can’t deny that I love him. I confessed that to you long ago, but I’d never…I will never get between you and Airen. I couldn’t hurt you like that or cause the break up of your family.”
“You’re our family, too.” She sniffs. “You deserve so much more than you’ve been getting.”
It’s time to announce my thoughts on the situation. I’ve thought long and hard about this. I knew when I was absent for so long that if I made it back home things would be complicated. I also had a lot of time to think about my true feelings for Joseph. I’ve tried to deny my attraction to him for so long, struggling even to admit it to myself, so afraid that it’s only because of my past that I feel this way for him. That the shit from my childhood is still influencing my life, dictating my desires. Maybe it is, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
There’s nothing like a near death experience to make you realize how trivial all that self examination can be. All the questioning and self doubt. None of it matters anymore. My head is ready to accept and embrace what my heart has known for two years; I love him.
I’m terrified of the reaction they may have, especially Abby. She’ll always be my first concern, and I’m afraid my suggestion will reinforce her belief that she isn’t enough for me, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. She loves him too, and he loves her. Something has to change.
“Sweetheart…how would you feel about bringing Joseph into our relationship?” I ask softly. They both freeze in astonishment, and I have to suppress an urge to laugh at their shocked faces.
“What do you mean?” Abby whisp
ers.
“I want the three of us to be together… in every way.” I take her hand in mine as my other slips into Joseph’s. “I realize it’s a radical idea, but we no longer have to conform to societal norms. I know it’s different, but so is our situation. Abby, you’re my wife, and I love you more than anything in this world. You’re everything to me and you’ll always come first.” I grasp her face in my hands and stare intently into those lovely brown eyes. “You are mine. Do you understand? Mine. My wife. My woman. Forever. That will never change.”
Nodding, she bites her lip, tears spilling down her cheeks. Pulling her slight body into my arms, I continue. “But you’re right. There’s a connection between the three of us that can’t be ignored any longer. I’m ready to give it a chance if you are.” Joseph remains dumbstruck, staring at us without a word. “What do you think?” I ask him softly.
“You don’t have to do this. This is your family we’re talking about,” he murmurs.
“Abby’s right. You’re our family, too.”
Abby turns to me, and brushes my overlong hair off my forehead with a soft sweep of her fingers. “Air, you and Joseph deserve a chance to explore a relationship without me caught in the center.”
I listen to them each try to sacrifice their own happiness for the good of the other with a satisfied smile on my face. This is why I’m confident this relationship will work. Joseph responds to Abby before I have a chance.
“Abigail,” he breathes. Hearing her full name spill from his lips with such reverence and affection brings tears to my eyes and reinforces my decision. He kneels before her and clasps her hand in both of his. “You aren’t caught in the center. You are our center. You’re our star, our sun. This all revolves around you. Our mutual love for you and for one another. Can’t you see that? Without you, it all falls apart.”