Lovingly Yours

by Jerry Cole

  Chapter Four

  Ian Lewis

  The phone was on silent but the buzzing managed to intrude into my dreams anyway. I haven't been sleeping well lately anyway. I always got a little anxious as I got closer to important deadlines. I suppose that’s normal. I was averaging a little more than five hours of sleep at night these days. My shrink said that if it fell to less than that I should think about sedatives. Lack of sleep is bad for your mental health, and I wasn’t exactly the poster boy for wellness, to begin with.

  When I opened my eyes, I was exactly where I was when I fell asleep, wrapped up in Josh’s arms, my head on his chest. He was still holding me, tighter than I remembered, but still holding on. I never thought those scenes in movies of couples that literally slept in each other’s arms were real. But here I was, sleeping in another man’s arms.

  The buzzing started again and I fished around for the phone, trying not to wake him as I sought the source of the intrusion. I finally found it under the pillow. This time I recognized the number. It had been more than a week since I last saw it but this time I didn’t need to wonder who it was. Her name was Janet, and she was the disapproving older sister that Josh didn’t want to talk to.

  But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t.

  “Hello?”

  “Josh?”

  “No, my name is Ian,” I said.

  “Oh, yeah. The boyfriend. How old are you?”

  “Did you call at this hour to check my ID?”

  “No, I just wanted to make sure...you know he has a thing for younger men, right?”

  “Don’t most people? Wouldn’t you prefer a twenty-year-old lover to a sixty-year-old?”

  She paused as if to think about it.

  “Is he there with you?”

  “He’s sleeping. He’s had a long day,” I said, looking down at Josh’s sleeping face. It had taken a lot to get him to fall asleep. He’d been upset the last few days about something, but I wasn’t able to get the details out of him. We had an unwritten understanding that we wouldn’t force each other to reveal things we weren’t ready to talk about yet.

  “Wake him up. His father is in the hospital. He should know that,” she said. The ice in that woman’s veins came through in her voice. I shivered unconsciously.

  “Where?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Where is he? Which hospital?”

  “Are you saying I’m lying?” She became defensive.

  “No, I’m just trying to give him the message,” I said.

  “Tell him to call me.” She hung up the phone, obviously annoyed by my questions. “Well, she’s just delightful.”

  I slipped the phone back under his pillow and settled against his chest again. I knew Josh didn’t want to talk about his past, but this was one of those moments when he would just have to bite the bullet and open up a little. If his father was in the hospital that meant that whatever he was struggling with was serious. It would be a shame for him to die before Josh got the chance to say the things he needed to say. Even if all he wants is to curse him, he should still go and say it to his face.

  You never know when the last thing you say to a person is the last thing you’ll ever say to them. I think I always envied people who lost loved ones after a long illness. When they died you knew it was coming and had a chance to say your goodbyes. You could feel good knowing that their suffering was over. When people just disappeared from your life, it was always much worse. If you asked me, Josh was being a dumbass, and I didn’t want him to have any regrets.

  I let that thought worry me until the sun came up.

  “Good morning,” he turned over, keeping me tucked against his body. His eyes weren’t open yet, but he was already alert.

  “Josh, we need to talk.”

  Maybe it was the tone of my voice that got his attention, but I could feel the tension slipping into his muscles as he opened his eyes and shifted so that he hovered above me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Your sister called last night, or, uh this morning.”

  “Shit. What did she want?”

  There was no nice way to say it, so I just blurted it out.

  “Your father has been hospitalized.”

  He rolled over and rubbed his face roughly.

  “She couldn’t wait a few hours to tell you that?”

  “It must have been urgent for her to call that late,” I argued.

  “NO, it's not. She doesn’t understand how time zones work. It wasn’t that late for her and she was awake, so she decided everybody else in the world needed to be awake as well. That’s how she is. She doesn’t think about how the things she does will affect other people. It’s one of the many reasons why I turned the phone to silent last night.”

  “Sorry,” I wasn’t sure why I was apologizing. It was just a bad habit at this point.

  “Don’t do that,” he looked at me with soft eyes. “Don’t ever apologize for anybody else, especially Janet.”

  “I heard the buzzing and I couldn’t sleep, so—”

  “Still not sleeping well? Do you want to try a sedative?”

  I shook my head.

  “There are some natural, homeopathic things I can try. I usually get pretty good sleep and I don’t want to monkey around with my meds too much. But this isn’t about me, this is about you.”

  “There’s nothing to say. I heard you. My father is on his last leg and laid up somewhere in a hospital bed. Do you know how many times I’ve been laid up in a hospital bed? Did that bastard ever once even question where I was or what I was doing?”

  “Josh.”

  “No, I take that back. I bet every time it gets dark, he’s certain I’m out there cruising for fresh meat.”

  His bitterness was so acidic I felt like I’d just had a chemical peel. His face twisted into a nasty snarl and his eyes were cold and flat. I was startled by the transformation and began to rethink whether or not I should press my luck and continue with this subject.

  “I think you should call her back and go see your dad,” I said.

  “Nope.”

  “Josh,” I wasn’t ready to accept that answer. “Hear me out.”

  “No.”

  “Please, just listen to me!”

  He threw back the covers and stood up, putting his hands on his hips and glaring down at me.

  “Listen to me, Ian. I love you and I respect your opinion, but when it comes to my family you are way out of your league. They are fucked up and the best thing that old man can do for the world is to die as quickly as possible and take that judgmental bitch with him.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “THE HELL I DON’T!”

  I bit my bottom lip and sat still as he paced the floor of the bedroom. For the first time since the day we met, I was feeling uncomfortable in his presence. I thought I’d seen almost all of the sides of Josh. I’d seen him angry and disappointed. I’d even seen him get jealous and possessive. But I’d never seen this. I never saw him in a rage, seething with malice and bordering on violence.

  I didn’t know this Josh and that made me feel vulnerable. I realized I was still naked and reached for my clothes.

  “What are you doing?”

  My hand went still in midair.

  “I was just going to get dressed.”

  “Why?”

  “I just, I-I just….” I needed to get out of that room. I needed to get away from this strange man in my boyfriend’s body. I needed...

  “Are you scared?”

  I took a chance and nodded. He stared at me with his mouth hanging open, astounded. The anger in his eyes gave way to a deep sadness that I couldn’t remember ever seeing before.

  “Jesus Fucking Christ, those people ruin everything.”

  He pulled a pair of underwear from the drawer in the dresser behind him and left the room without another word. I began to quickly get dressed. Before I could get my pants on properly, Friendly bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom.
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br />   “Hey girl, how was your night?”

  She danced around in a circle, wagging her tail and licking my fingers, seemingly unaware of the amount of negativity that had just gone down in this room. The dogs weren’t usually allowed up here. They were usually happy to nestle together on Shaolin’s oversized bed in the laundry room for the night. But, as usual, Josh had known just what to do to make things better for me. He’d sent her up the stairs to find me.

  Now I needed to figure out what to do to help him before it was too late.

  By the time I made it downstairs the coffee was already brewing and Josh was nowhere to be found. The message on the counter simply said: “Out for a run”. I looked at Friendly and sighed.

  “I think I scared him away,” I said. She looked up at me, expectantly. “Maybe we’ll both have to be brave this time.”

  I tried putting myself in Josh’s shoes. I’d never really had parents to disappoint. I was so young when my mother died, I’d never had a chance to think about how my love life might make her feel. I couldn’t really imagine how it must be to feel rejected because of who you go to bed with. I couldn’t even tell you what it must be like to “come out”. Even now I couldn’t tell you if I was gay or not. I just knew that when I was with Josh, I felt loved, truly loved, and that was enough for me.

  Besides, he was amazing in bed. That helps.

  I decided to shoot Joanne a message. She was my best friend and personal guru. In her younger years, she’d had her share of heartbreaks and lived enough to be able to give great advice. Agreed, she was a shut-in now, but she didn’t let that stop her. She was still finding ways to make her mark in the world, and that was what inspired me.

  I explained the whole situation to her as best as I could, read it twice and said a little prayer before I hit send. I was really at a loss and needed a little guidance on what to do next. I didn’t want to pretend that nothing had happened and let things get swept aside. Josh was good at distracting me. He had wicked hands and a seductive mouth, and I was a sucker for a warm meal and a hot body.

  I knew that whatever happened next was going to be very uncomfortable. My shrink would say that discomfort was a sign of growth. The problem was that Josh has become my safe haven. Being with him has been the most comfortable I’ve felt around human beings in more years than I care to count. Making things uncomfortable with him was akin to shooting me in the foot. Still, I had to remember that this wasn’t about me. This was about him. And if we were going to have any future together, and I was praying that we were, we would have to learn how to face the uncomfortable parts about who we were and where we came from.

  I sat on the stool that he’d dragged into the kitchen for me weeks ago and looked out at the yard as I sipped my coffee. I had work to do. I had a deadline to meet. I had emails to return. But I wasn’t going to think about any of that until I’d sorted this out first.

  I was almost done with my coffee when Josh walked into the kitchen, covered in sweat and looking just as dangerous as he was more than an hour ago. He was still breathing heavily, looking at me through bloodshot eyes, his body a mess of tension and surging hormones.

  “I’m sorry about this morning,” I said.

  “Don’t be.” His voice was gruff, pitched lower than normal. I felt a little bit like a rabbit caught in the eyesight of a wolf. Running would only make things worse, but it was the only defense I had.

  “I didn’t mean to push.”

  He moved toward me so fast I almost lost my balance on the stool.

  “I know you get scared sometimes. Maybe more often than you let on. Maybe more often than others. But I need you to promise me one thing,” he said.

  “What?”

  “Promise me that no matter what happens, or what you hear or see, you won’t be scared of me.” His eyes pleaded with me as he spoke.

  “What?” Some days I was scared of my own shadow, how could he ask me not to be afraid of him? But it was clear that this really meant a lot to him. He needed me to trust him and I did. That didn’t mean it was easy.

  “I can’t take it if you are afraid of me. The thought of it...it fucking kills me,” his voice shook as he spoke and tears filled his eyes. I realized that they were red from crying. He’d been crying. He’d been crying because he thought I was afraid of him.

  I felt like such a fucking idiot.

  “Oh baby,” I got out of my seat and wrapped my arms around his hot and sweaty body. “I am not afraid of you. You scared me for a moment, but I know you. I’m not afraid of you.”

  “I just,” he hugged me back, turning his face into my neck, “I can’t take it if you don’t trust me. I don’t ever want to lose that.”

  “I trust you. Do you trust me?”

  “With everything.”

  He held me tighter and I allowed him to rock me back and forth, ignoring the smell of sweat and the stickiness of his skin. Love wasn’t always sexy, but I was learning that it was always worth it.

  Chapter Five

  “Call the sister and get the details, then book his ass a flight and send him to go see his dad,” Joanne said in her no-nonsense tone.

  “I don’t have the number.”

  “Get it from his phone while he’s in the shower! Jesus, kid, do I have to explain every little thing?”

  “I don’t want to go behind his back. He won’t trust me if I start sneaking around behind him,” I complained.

  “Then don’t. Listen, sweetness, you are going to have to break a few eggs if you’re going to make this omelet. Either you go behind his back and get the info you need or you confront him directly. Either way, you need to act fast. Death waits for no man!”

  “Yeah, but what if I’m pushing him too hard? Maybe he’s not ready to deal with whatever happened between him and his dad. If you try to speed up recovery you can end up doing more harm than good.”

  “Unfortunately, you three don’t have too many options. If his father’s health is failing, there may not be a chance to settle things later on. Look, what I know is that right now, today, you three have a chance to get some closure and heal some old wounds. Maybe he’s not ready, but he’s got you and you won’t let him fall apart will you?”

  “Never.”

  “So, let him lean on you and you be the brave one. You make the call he’s too afraid to make. You help him to do the things he knows he should but is too afraid to do,” she urged me.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

  “Well get ready, honey. This is where you discover whether you really love him or you love being loved by him.”

  I heard the truck pull up to the house and quickly said my goodbyes. When he walked into the room, he looked like he was on fire. His gaze was so intense I couldn’t even manage a “hello, how was your day?” Instead, I made a funny little squeak and watched as he removed his boots, belt, and watch.

  “You’re here,” he grunted.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good,” he sounded relieved as if he was afraid that I wouldn't come.

  Little did he know that wild horses couldn’t keep me away. The nights we spent apart were getting increasingly difficult for me. I missed him and the way he made all of my fears and anxieties seem smaller. I missed the feeling of his solid body next to mine when I woke up. I even missed the steady metronome of his breathing in the stillness and dark of the night. I missed him so much that I had to remind myself all of the time that being apart was healthy and good.

  “How was your day?”

  “Long,” he took two steps toward me and then, as if he thought better of it, turned abruptly and headed toward the stairs.

  “I stink, I need a shower,” he said.

  I was a little disappointed. My whole body was anticipating that kiss. I followed him up the stairs and watched silently as he stripped his work clothes off of his body and dropped them on the floor. He wouldn’t look at me as he walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

  “Josh.”

>   He looked magnificent like that. A light sheen of moisture on his skin. His whole body was tense as if he was straining against some invisible force. I bit my bottom lip, trying not to be too obvious as I watched him step into the shower and turn his face up to the shower jets.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” he grunted. The sound was so low and guttural I felt it in my body.

  “Can I join you?”

  He turned and looked at me as if I’d just given him an indecent proposal.

  “Are you fucking kidding me now?”

  I shook my head.

  He turned his face back to the water and closed his eyes. Not sure what to do, I watched the water run down his body, making winding rivulets across his torso and narrowing at his hips. I followed it until it cascaded down around his cock, which was swelling with each passing moment. I felt parched and yet I was drowning at the same time. I needed an answer. I needed him to tell me what he wanted.

  “Josh?” My voice came out weaker than I’d wanted, more like a plea than a question.

  “Get in here.”

  That was all I needed to hear. I squirmed out of my clothes and stepped into the shower behind him. He wasted no time, pressing my whole body against the cold wet tile and assaulting my mouth with hungry and demanding kisses. I clung to his shoulders, holding on for dear life as his tongue swirled around mine, making me dizzy with the sheer ferocity of it. The sound of loud, wet, kisses echoed off of the walls.

  Whatever I’d been planning to say to him immediately escaped my mind. Whatever was bothering him could wait until after this moment passed. For right now I was going to enjoy the feeling of his hands on my body and the intense fire in his eyes as he looked down at me.

  “I want you.”

  I swallowed hard, letting the weight of those words add oil to an already blazing fire in my veins. He leaned in with all of his weight, forcing me up the wall until my toes were barely touching the floor.

  “Tell me,” he demanded.

  This time I didn’t try to play hard to get. I wanted him and I wanted him to know it.

  “Josh, I want you to make love to me,” I said, looking him in the eyes. He nodded and grunted and went back to kissing my neck and shoulders, his fingers lingering on my skin. He smoothed his hands over my waist and hips, gripping my ass and massaging the cheeks with startling force. The throbbing in my cock intensified as his erection slid against mine. I moaned out loud, turning my face up to the ceiling as he continued his assault on my body.