Lovingly Yours

by Jerry Cole

  “Please,” he whispered. “I was worried.”

  “I’m fine. Let’s just go inside and talk.”

  He followed me obediently but his eyes were still on fire. As soon as I stepped into the house I was confronted by a small pile of suitcases and boxes packed and ready to go. Even Shaolin’s crate was leaning against the wall.

  “You guys taking a trip?”

  “Yes,” Josh growled.

  “Did you find your girlfriend?” Harold called from the living room. “Or did she find a bigger, better deal and decide to move on?”

  “No, I’m fine Mr. Green,” I said cheerfully. He groaned but I ignored him. He wouldn’t allow himself to admit it, but I think he was getting used to having me around. Taking his cue from me, Patrick stuck his head around the corner and waved from the doorway.

  “Hey Mr. Green,” he said cheerfully.

  Harold’s eye went wide with surprise and he choked a little. Patrick rushed over to pour him a cup of water from the jug on the end table. Harold accepted it silently and took a sip.

  “Damned meds either have me drooling down my shirt or give me a mouth full of cotton,” he complained.

  “No pain, no progress,” he said like a good little soldier. Harold lifted the corner of his mouth in an attempt at a smile. He cast a wary look between the three of us, trying to figure out why we were all standing in his living room and looking miserable.

  “Ian decided that we all needed to talk,” Josh said.

  “Do we now?” Harold leaned back in his chair, lifting the legs up slightly.

  Friendly pressed her body against my leg, putting space between me and the other people in the room. I was a little confused about why she would do that since I wasn’t tapping or cowering and I hadn’t given her a command. And then I looked over and saw Josh. Friendly is a highly trained service dog and my best friend, but at that moment she wasn’t responding to my command. She was responding to the prompting of the only person in the room who was more concerned about me than himself.

  Josh.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Josh

  Everything in me was telling me this was a bad idea. When I saw the disgustingly large vehicle pull up into the driveway and watched Ian and Friendly climb out, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to break his legs or kiss him until his knees gave out. I’d spent the morning packing our things and making calls to arrange a nurse for Harold. All that was left was to find a reasonable flight back home. Janet had called several times to persuade me to stay.

  “Not for a million dollars. If you’re so worried about him, why don’t you pack up your family and stay with him?”

  “The kids have school. I have a life here, you know?”

  “So do I. Why don’t you just take him to live with you? There are plenty of people at home in your house, he would never be alone. He could spend his last days with people he actually considers family.”

  “I can’t?”

  “Why not”

  “I have a husband, Josh. He would go ballistic and I really need to work on things around here.” she said.

  “Right, I forgot. You have a real family to take care of.”

  I hung up on her. It was the least I could do.

  Watching him now, standing in the living room between my father and my ex, I couldn’t help but to feel some sense of pride. Ignoring the way he nearly stiff-armed me in the driveway, I watched him closely, ready to step in and whisk him out of the room if it all became too overwhelming for him. I was probably overreacting. I was probably assuming things about Ian and his tolerance for uncomfortable situations. He’d been a lot bolder lately. Maybe focusing on him helped me to escape my own discomfort. That sounded like something a shrink would say. Maybe he was rubbing off on me.

  I watched as the ghosts of my past assembled in the living room and Harold silently wondered why we were all there.

  “Ian decided that we all need to talk,” I said.

  “Do we now?” Harold leaned back in his chair and despite his outward calm I knew he was preparing to dig his heels in and resist. He didn’t want to deal with the past and I didn’t have the energy to force the issue any longer. I just wanted to get my dog and get the hell out of dodge.

  As if on cue, Shaolin pressed the tip of his cold, wet nose against my fingertips. I patted his head and looked up to see Friendly watching us from her spot next to Ian. He wasn’t showing his anxiety but I could feel it building in him. He was going to need her to get through this. We looked at each other and I silently used a hand gesture that I’d seen him use a thousand times to call her into action.

  She got up and pressed her body against his leg and looked back at me as if to say, “Don’t worry, I got this.”

  Ian looked surprised by her quick response but didn’t push her away.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. When is Janet coming?”

  “She isn’t,” I informed him. “She said she has to stay home and work on her marriage. Oh, and you’re not welcome, by the way.”

  “Godammit!”

  “Your sister Janet?” Patrick asked. I nodded. “By the sound of it, she’s caught that holier-than-thou husband of hers cheating on her again.”

  “Again?” Ian gasped.

  “Oh, you know how these Bible thumpers are, hypocrisy to the core. Especially when it comes to the bedroom.”

  “How do you know?” I growled.

  “I’m a Dunlevy. The most important asset we own is information. My grandmother taught me that when I was a young boy.”

  “So, you’ve been keeping tabs on my family?”

  “Yes and no. I try not to pry but when a familiar name comes up, I usually follow up.”

  “Let’s not get off topic,” Ian said.

  “What is the topic?” Harold said.

  “He wants to talk about that day,” I said. “He wants to understand what happened that day.”

  “Some things aren’t worth mentioning,” Harold grumbled, spittle escaping his mouth as he spoke.

  “Especially since nothing good can possibly come from it,” I agreed. “He didn’t believe me then, he’s not going to believe me now, and nothing is going to make up for all of the years he’s spent hating me and being ashamed of me.”

  “Hate you? You’re the one who hates me, boy. I don’t approve of your lifestyle and that’s no secret, but you’re the one who stopped coming home, stopped calling, even stopped calling me dad,” Harold yelled.

  “You said I wasn’t your son. Why would I call you dad? You said you regretted raising me every time you looked at me. Why would I come home?”

  “You said that?” Patrick’s jaw dropped open.

  “Stay out of this.” Harold growled.

  “No! Why should he stay out of it now? This began with him. He should get a front row ticket to the show,” I argued.

  “You really told him you were ashamed of him?” Patrick was still in awe. For a guy who probably never had anybody speak a harsh word to him in his life, it must have been unimaginable.

  “After what he did to you?” Harold looked crestfallen. “I am so sorry that happened to you. And I am so sorry that it was my son who did it. I know you probably wanted him put under the jail, but he’s my son. I had to save him.”

  “That’s your idea of saving me? I spent two years in a military school, which for the record, might as well have been a prison. Not once did it occur to you to be on my side or listen to what I had to say. YOU THREW ME AWAY!!”

  I was shouting like a madman now. I could hear the pain in my voice, pain I promised myself I would never let him see. I could feel it all bubbling to the surface as our “talk” continued. Patrick gave me a profoundly sad look. He tried several times, but he couldn’t look me in the eye. He decided, instead, to look at Harold.

  “Mr. Green, Josh never did anything to me that I didn’t want to happen.”

  I watched the blood drain away from his face.

  “What?” Harold’s eyes began to glas
s over.

  “That day,” Patrick hung his head. “I was scared. I didn’t want my family to find out about us. I didn’t want them to know...that I was gay.”

  “What?”

  “I’m gay, Mr. Green. I knew I liked boys then and that never changed for me. That day, Josh and I, we—”

  “Wait! I don’t want to know.” Harold waved his hands in front of him, shooing away the image of the two of us together from his mind.

  “He didn’t force himself on me. I wasn’t confused.” He finally looked me in the eyes as he spoke. “I was the one who chased him...for a long time. And when I finally had him, those were the happiest days of my life. That day, we were together for the first time. I think about that day a lot. I think about you a lot.”

  “I try my best not to think about you or that day at all.”

  Patrick’s attempt at a smile fell short and landed on an insane looking grimace. That one had hurt him. I was surprised that I cared, but I did. I was such a weakling, even after all that has happened, I still didn’t want to be the one to hurt him.

  “I know what I saw,” Harold argued.

  “And what did you see?” Ian spoke softly but his question landed like an atomic bomb. We all looked at one another, daring each other to recount the events of that day. Each one of us was clearly wrestling with a vivid memory, but none as much as Harold.

  “I heard it before I saw it.” He closed his eyes as he spoke. “I thought it was some girl. I’d seen that look in a boy’s eyes before. He was obviously hooked on some girl. He had it bad, too. I was kind of relieved. He was a good-looking boy, but he’d never been on a real date with a girl. Never had a real girlfriend. I figured he’d finally fallen in love. I was just waiting for him to introduce me.” Harold smiled as he spoke. It was the first time in years that I’d seen him smile while talking about me.

  “I heard the commotion upstairs. It wasn’t hard to figure out what was happening. I actually hesitated to go up at all. But I didn’t want to seem like I condoned that kind of thing. I also wanted to talk to him about being safe, so I decided to break it up.” The smile on his face fell.

  “I got to the top of the stairs and I realized I heard a lot of heavy breathing and grunting but I didn't hear a girl at all. It was obvious he wasn’t alone but the other person...it didn’t sound like a girl enjoying herself. So, I ran in.”

  I looked at Patrick who seemed to be reliving the moment as my father spoke. His face was flushed and his breathing had changed. He seemed both embarrassed and aroused at the same time. Then I looked at Ian who was listening quietly, looking strangely detached from the scene.

  “I saw...my son...on top of you. Doing something I never thought he’d do. I never thought he’d…”

  “Did you see me? Did you hear what I said to him? Did I look like I was there against my will?” Patrick walked over to Harold and kneeled down so that he could look the old man in the eyes. “Did you see my face?”

  “I couldn’t. He was in the way. He wouldn’t let you go.”

  “Yes,” he smiled. “He held on to me, protected me while you went berserk. He wouldn’t let me go. And when it was my turn to do the same, it was me who hurt him, violated him, and let him go. I lied because I was fifteen and afraid, and he paid the price.”

  “Why didn’t you ever set the record straight?” Ian gave voice to the question that was lingering in my mind.

  “It was years before I came out to my parents and by that time he was long gone. There was no point in digging up old skeletons. Why?”

  “You didn’t know that they weren’t on speaking terms?”

  “I knew but I figured that they would work it out with time, and then I honestly didn’t give it a second thought.”

  His mask of cold indifference slipped back into place without a hitch. He looked at Ian with a mixture of disdain and envy.

  “So now you know the whole truth,” Ian turned to Harold. “We all do.”

  Harold ground his teeth and stood up.

  “I have to use the bathroom,” he announced, and then shuffled into the bathroom.

  “If you’re waiting for an apology, that was it,” Patrick said.

  “I think so,” I agreed. “Somethings just won’t change, no matter what.” I looked over at Ian who smiled back at me. The stone that had been crushing my chest melted away, knowing in that moment, that he was one of those things.

  “Wow, I can’t believe...all these years. And now this,” Patrick picked up one of Harold’s prescription bottles and read the label.

  “You guys might not have a lot of time left, but you shouldn’t waste it hating each other over a misunderstanding.” Ian sat on the sofa that we’d pushed to the far side of the living room to make room for Harold’s chair. Friendly followed him and put her head in his lap.

  “There’s a drug trial that’s getting ready to start. It’s shown some promise to help with particularly stubborn cases of prostate cancer. I can put in a good word and recommend you to the program. I can’t guarantee you’ll get it but having your name on the building has its benefits.”

  He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number that connected almost instantly. He gave my father’s name and recommended that his file go for review. The person on the other end seemed more than willing to do as he was asked, especially if the great “Mr. Dunlevy” was asking.

  “His insurance won’t cover experimental treatments,” I said.

  “If he qualifies just have the bills sent to me, I will cover the cost of his treatment.” Patrick hung up the phone and looked at the three of us.

  “What the hell are you playing at, Dunlevy?”

  He held up his hand and nodded his head as if he were receiving a standing ovation.

  “I know, I know, you are going to say something about how money can’t buy back the time or something. I know all of that, but it sure as hell can take the sting out of the losses. And, I am a lot of things but I’m not a thief. I robbed you two of a lot of years because of my own cowardice. The least I can do is give you the possibility of having a few more together.”

  “Thank you,” Ian said, softly.

  “Don’t thank me. I’m paying back a debt, not doing you a favor.” He glared at Ian. “And don’t think that we’re on the same side either. The moment you let your guard down, I plan to snatch him away from you. You got it?”

  Ian smiled and nodded, and for a second, I thought he would run over and hug him. Even I found my hatred of the man softening around the edges. Patrick clasped his hands together as he looked around the room.

  “Okay, good talk, fellas. Let’s do it again some time,” he said, taking the opportunity to leave without hindrance.

  “So, you did have a decent bone in your body,” I mumbled as he passed me, just loud enough for him to hear.

  “Just one, but it was a good one,” he smiled at me and for a moment I caught another glimpse of the boy I fell for. Maybe it was wishful thinking but I couldn’t help but hope that somebody would be able to resurrect that guy again.

  He was amazing.

  Until he wasn’t.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Josh

  “So, I guess we’ll be staying here for a little while longer,” Ian sank down on the bed.

  “For a while,” I walked over and touched his face. This time he turned his cheek into my palm.

  “I’m sorry you were worried.”

  I shook my head.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “What are we going to do about Janet?”

  “We?”

  “Yeah, we, us, the two of us. We are a couple, right?”

  I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head. That was just the kind of thing I expected from Ian. No matter how upsetting the situation seemed, he was going to face it. Even if it crippled him, he wouldn’t let me go through it alone. That was the promise he made on the night we met, and he’s been keeping it ever since.

  “
I should thank you,” I said. “I never would’ve called Patrick and I don’t think I would’ve even come back here if it wasn’t for you.”

  “I just didn’t want you to regret not getting the chance to patch things up with your father because you were too stubborn to try.”

  “There you go again, making me feel like an asshole?”

  “Well, you were kind of an asshole.”

  I sat on the bed next to him.

  “I know, and I’m sorry.”

  “It's okay. Avoidance is a normal response to trauma. We don’t want to deal with the underlying problem so we focus on the anger or we run away. Unfortunately, the only way to resolve the issue is to face it, eventually,” he said.

  “Spoke to your therapist, huh?”

  He landed a playful punch on my shoulder.

  “Better, Joanne.”

  “How is the old bird?”

  “Still chirping along.” He looked over my shoulder at the stack of bags that needed to be unpacked. “Did you really spend all morning packing that?”

  “I wanted to get out of here like yesterday.”

  “Why?” He looked genuinely confused by the idea.

  “Because I can lose almost anything in this life, but I can’t lose you. You started double guessing yourself and me,” I took his hands in mine and pulled him closer. “If I lose your trust in me, I don’t know who I am anymore. Everybody needs one person in the world who believes in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves. For me, that person is you.”

  He turned my hands over and kissed my knuckles.

  “It wasn’t you that I didn’t trust. It was me. I’ve been a fool before, and sometimes it’s hard to trust my own judgement. I don’t want to live my life waiting for something bad to happen. But I don’t want to close my eyes and ignore red flags either. It gets hard to tell what’s a legitimate fear and what’s just my own mental health issues making things look scarier than they are. I wanted to be sure about this, though. I couldn’t walk away until I knew the truth.”

  “I thought I was losing you.” I didn’t realize how much I needed to say those words until they were out. It felt like the final weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could breathe freely again.