“You owe me big time,” Ramon says a second before the line goes dead. I glance at the phone before my hand moves, almost of its own volition, and sends the cell crashing against the wall on the opposite side of the room. I watch it shatter but I don’t care.
Turning, I head toward the bathroom and fling my clothes off. I’m about to step into the shower when I catch a glimpse of my back and freeze. The weight of what happened to me hitting me in the chest like an arrow.
On legs that feel ready to give out from under me, I finish stepping into the shower and rest with my hands against the wall in an effort to stay upright. My hands clench into fists while I breathe through my nose to ward off the frustration of my body.
The once smooth skin of my body is no longer there, and I’m left with my body scarred for life. Not all of my body—my chest and abs are relatively free of scars, only a small amount are still visible but my right side—arm, back, buttocks, groin and leg—took the brunt of the injuries.
My brother, Michael, once asked me if I’d do it all again knowing I was going to be left the way I was. I didn’t need to think about it because my answer was yes. A mother and child are alive because of me so how could I ever answer in the negative.
As my breathing starts to even out, I think about the two people who are alive because I climbed into their vehicle at the scene of the accident to get them out. Samantha is now thirteen and won a bronze at the horse show over the weekend, here in Lexington. I don’t have contact with them, but every now and again, I’ll check up on her to make sure she’s doing well, and she appears to be.
With a heavy heart, I shake the past from my mind and start to get clean hoping like hell that Sabrina is all right and that I have the strength to stay away from her. Because I have a feeling that she’s going to be the only woman I ever crave.
Chapter Five
Sabrina
“I’m still not sure about this Ramon,” I say as I grasp my seatbelt, trying to keep myself from jumping from the moving car.
“You can’t hide forever,” he replies with a quick glance at me before turning his attention back on the road.
It’s been five and a half weeks since I last laid eyes on Lucien, and since my friendship with Ramon began. During this time, I’ve even missed the twins’ birthday because of the rawness of my heart. I just couldn’t bring myself to be around the McKenzies. I’m sure Lily saw through my excuse of being sick with the flu.
I glance at Ramon from the corner of my eye but his own are staring straight ahead. He has saved me in more ways than simply giving me a lift. That day when Lucien had shattered my heart, Ramon had come to check on me. I hadn’t heard the door, and I have no idea how he managed to get into my apartment, but he had found me in a heap on the floor of my shower—naked. I didn’t care, didn’t try to cover myself and instead just cried as he lifted me from the floor and took care of me.
It wasn’t until later that I became embarrassed by it all but he’d sheepishly admitted to me that, although he’s been with a few women, he actually prefers guys. It took a few minutes before I realized what he meant then I’d started laughing.
Since then we have spent more time together. I like Ramon and have enjoyed spending time with him even if he is the wrong McKenzie. Before my melt down, we hadn’t really spoken, and now I have his number on speed dial. He did confuse me some with his comment about preferring guys because I’ve caught him on more than one occasion eyeing Sylvia.
Despite my promise to not tell Lucien’s family, Ramon knows all about the arrangement I had with his brother, although I haven’t gone into detail about what we actually did or how it ended. No doubt he put his own spin on my words and probably got a pretty accurate result. I just told him that I needed more than Lucien was willing to offer, which is basically the truth.
I sigh and glance out of the window. I’ve had a lot of time to think about our time together. The fire at the beginning, the way Lucien had started pulling away. Although I was the one who ended it, I realize, now, that he was pushing me away. Ramon knows my thoughts on this but he avoids the subject whenever I try and pin him down. He’d finally admitted that he agreed with me, and that he hadn’t a clue how to bring his brother out of his self-imposed exile.
The only advice he gave me was to keep showing up wherever Lucien is. And that is why I’m sitting in the car, on my way with Ramon as his ‘date’ to his parents’ place for Sunday lunch. I’m trying to stay calm as we get closer to their house, but I’m not sure anything is going to keep me calm. Especially when I’m about to come face to face with the man who has my heart—the man who pushed me away rather painfully—the man that needs to know...
“You have about two minutes to pull yourself together,” Ramon tells me, breaking into my thoughts.
My heart thuds in my chest. I shouldn’t be so nervous, right?
“Sabrina?” I feel Ramon glance in my direction. “You really need to calm down.” He takes my hand into his and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I know my brother, okay? There isn’t any way that he’ll acknowledge what’s happened between the two of you. God, Lily would kill him if she found out, not to mention what my mom would do to him.”
“I know. It’s just that it’s the first time I will have seen him since the other week.” I pause and glance out of the window before looking back to Ramon. “I don’t really know what to expect, and the fact that he probably won’t acknowledge me hurts.” I try to shrug my depression over the whole situation away.
The ranch house comes into view and I tell myself that it’s natural to be nervous when about to come face-to-face with an ex, and that I’ll get over it, but I’m not sure I will. Lucien is different than anyone I’ve ever known and the thought that he doesn’t want me anymore tears me in two. I know he wanted me. He was hungry for me, that wasn’t hidden—only his emotions were. Someone has definitely hurt him in the past and she must have hurt him a lot. I couldn’t imagine what had made him as protective as he is with his heart and body. All of it makes me want to cry if I think about it too long. He deserves someone to come home to. Someone to kiss away the pain he has. I wish he knew how much I wanted to be that someone.
As Ramon cuts the engine outside his family’s home, my heart does summersaults in my chest when I spot Lucien. Our eyes lock for a second before anger fills his and my heart drops to my feet when he turns and heads inside.
He couldn’t even be bothered to say hello.
I vaguely hear Ramon cuss as he climbs out, and walking around his SUV, he opens the door for me. He takes my hand into his, pulls me out and into his arms for a hug.
“He cares more than he’ll ever let you know,” Ramon whispers into my ear before pulling back and grinning. “He’ll be pissed if he’s watching from the window.”
Managing a small chuckle, I push him away from me. Laughing, he grabs my hand and slides his fingers between mine. With a slight tug, he gets me moving toward the house, which looks to have a fresh coat of yellow paint on the porch and makes Pippa’s colorful flowers stand out against the house. They certainly are in abundance. I guess it’s as well no one in the family suffers with allergies because suffer they would with the amount of flowers around the house.
“You ready for this?” Ramon asks, concern clear on his face.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I squeeze his hand. “Best get it over with.”
Ramon gives me a once over, and, opening the door, he pulls me inside.
My eyes immediately find Lucien, who is standing by one of the front windows with a frown on his face. If he saw Ramon and me outside then he really can’t say anything considering he threw me away when I was right in front of him.
“Sabrina, you look lovely,” Pippa gushes.
Plastering a smile on my face, I turn away from Lucien and feel close to tears when Pippa pulls me into her arms. She nearly squeezes the life out of me.
“Thank you, and so do you. It’s great to see everyone again,” I say, as I avoid
looking in to her eyes.
Deciding it’s best to avoid meeting Lucien’s gaze, I keep my back to him and slide my hand back into Ramon’s. He’s my strength right now and I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with being here, around Lucien and his family, without him.
Ramon smiles and kisses me on the cheek. As he pulls away his family are watching us closely. I blush and he shrugs as he pulls me to the sofa. He sits down and pulls me into his chest, his eyes looking defiantly towards Lucien. I catch him grinning at Lucien who looks like a thundercloud.
Seeing Lucien like this makes me think he’s just as affected by our break-up, if that’s what you call it, as I am. Unable to take my eyes from him, I notice he looks to have lost weight—his face is leaner with his cheekbones more pronounced on his handsome face. My heart aches and all I want is to wrap him up in my arms and never let go, but my head is telling me that I’ll only ever feel rejection from him.
Feeling Ramon squeeze my hip, I realize Lucien has been holding my gaze. Before he turns his head and continues to look outside, I catch a look of regret on his face, which makes me snuggle more into Ramon for comfort.
Pippa is telling everyone a story about her twin grandchildren, most of which I’ve missed thanks to the stubborn man across the room. She stops mid-story when Michael and Lily arrive with Charlotte and Jr., who appear to be ready for some fun with their uncles.
After the greetings are out of the way and we are settled back on the sofa, Sebastian waltzes in, alone, and sitting on the coffee table facing me, asks, “Are you seriously dating Ramon? I thought,” he looks between Lucien and me, “well, you know?”
He’s always blunt and to the point. His gaze, along with everyone else’s makes me want to squirm in my seat, but luckily Pippa comes to my rescue and cuffs him around his head.
“Ouch…Jeez, Mom. I’m only asking a question.”
“Hmmm. Yes, well…Where’s Carla? I haven’t seen her for a couple of weeks.”
Sebastian laughs. “No, I haven’t screwed up. She’s been sick with the flu. She’s here with me but ran in through the backdoor to visit the powder room first.” He winks at me with a grin on his face. “Sorry Sabrina.”
“Thank you, but it’s okay.”
“So if it’s okay, are you going to answer my question?”
“No she isn’t,” Ramon interrupts. “Stop acting like you’re five and go and annoy someone else.”
“You’re no fun brother,” Sebastian adds before jumping up from the coffee table when Carla enters the room.
This family has come to mean a lot to me. After my father died and I moved back to the states with my mother, I realized I really didn’t have anyone. My mother is more into having the perfect daughter, which I am not. Especially now. When she hears what I have to tell her, she isn’t going to be happy at all, and even though part of me hopes she will surprise me, I know this might be the thing that sees her saying goodbye to me. She’s never been what I consider a real mom. She’s always made sure I had clothes and food, but anything else, no.
Now Pippa is a real mom, and I love her. She doesn’t have a bad bone in her body, and neither do her sons for that matter. I find them amusing when they tease each other, something they do even more when they are all together. Sebastian seems to be the one who starts it, every time, as though he senses when his brothers, or the mood needs lightening up.
My eyes have a mind of their own today, and I find myself gazing into Lucien’s again. With every look, my heart thuds in my chest—hoping he’s going to change his mind.
It isn’t going to happen but I can dream. After all, that’s what I’ve been doing these past few weeks. Dreaming of Lucien seeing sense and coming after me. Telling me he’s sorry and that he’d rather be with me than apart. In this case, dreams are so much better than reality.
“Sabrina,” Ramon whispers. “You with me?”
I try and shake my thoughts as Ramon gets to his feet, pulling me with him.
“Sorry. I tuned out.”
“I figured.” Ramon grins, and then explains, “Mom wants us all to go and sit outback. She’s planning on taking a family photograph.”
“But—”
“You’re family, Sabrina.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads me outside to where his family have started taking seats.
Walking around the table, Ramon stops at the seat beside Lucien and pulls out the chair, navigating me into it. I feel like refusing, but how childish will that look. So I let Ramon seat me and glare at him as he walks to the opposite side. He winks at me, his mouth twisted in a smug grin as he sits facing me. Beside me, I hear Lucien cuss under his breath.
Enough is enough, and I’m starting to get angry. We’re adults and need to get past whatever you’d call what we had together. So taking a deep breath for courage, I try to keep my nerves at bay and turn to look at him. Intending to have my say the words freeze in the back of my throat when I realize he’s already watching me from beneath his heavy eyelids.
Lucien is resting his arms on the table in front of him with his head bent, but his face is turned towards me. My heart jumps in my chest with his closeness and the look—full of need—that he’s giving me. Time stands still as neither of us are willing to break the connection we’ve just formed.
Chapter Six
Lucien
As my brother pulls the chair out for Sabrina, a part of me wants to kiss him and the other wants to punch him. If anyone knows about Sabrina, me and everything going on between us it’s Ramon. And now he’s trying to play matchmaker.
As much as I love my family, sometimes it’s a pain in the ass having siblings because they think they know better. In this case, they probably do because I feel like a fish out of water with Sabrina. I want one thing, but my heads telling me I’ll get my heart broken further down the line if I go after it, or rather her. Holding the gaze of the only woman I’ve ever let close to my heart cuts deeply. The pain I feel in my chest every time I think about her, which is often, is like nothing I’ve felt before. My heart and body keep telling me I’m an idiot for pushing her away and treating her the way I did towards the end, but my head keeps telling me it’s the only move I can make.
Sabrina has no idea how beautiful I think she is, and how I’ll use the slightest excuse just to be near her. She makes me feel so damn confused, as though I don’t know which way is up or down. One thing I do know is that I can’t handle the way she looks at me anymore—as though I’ve broken her heart because that’s impossible. Right?
“Sorry we’re late,” Ruben says bringing me back to the present as he pulls Rosie down onto his lap for the family photograph that Mom is after.
Sabrina greets the latecomers, but my eyes stay on her. I’m afraid if I turn away that she’ll be gone and I’ll be left feeling her loss. The same way I feel after every encounter I have with her. I know I’m confusing her with the mixed signals, probably because I’m so goddamn confused myself. More so when I forget the reason I need to keep her away from me.
Rubbing at my temples, I try to work out the slight throbbing of pain that has started there.
With a heavy sigh, I move my mouth closer to Sabrina’s ear and take in a deep breath of her heady scent. She feels my movement and turns towards me—her lips breezing over mine and sending a bolt of longing through me. She sucks in a small breath of shock as a shiver runs down my spine and straight to my dick. Whenever she’s close, I spend most of my time trying to stay flaccid because she quickly does things to my body that I haven’t felt for a long time.
Before I can say anything, she pushes her chair back, a tight frown on her lips as her eyes dart around for an escape. She turns back to glance in mine and I see a mixture of anger and sadness brimming in her eyes.
“I can’t do this, Lucien,” she whispers, her voice tight and withdrawn. “You didn’t want me so…leave me alone.”
I watch her quickly walk back into the house and feel someone come up behind me.
�
��Don’t be a complete bastard,” Ramon tells me. “She’s hurting and you need to make this right before you lose her to Gavin.”
What the fuck!
My head whips round to stare at my brother. “Who the fuck is Gavin?”
Ramon smirks. “He’s someone who’s been asking her out for a while now. He’s a doctor at the hospital, who is on the fundraising board that Lily got her involved in.”
Over my dead fuckin’ body.
Getting to my feet, I ignore the stares from my family, and kiss my mom on her forehead. “I need to talk to Sabrina. We’ll be back soon for your photograph. I promise.”
Letting Mom go, I follow the path Sabrina took to the house, my thoughts racing as I walk. I really have no clue what to say to her but I need to say something.
The kitchen is empty when I reach the house and so is the family room so I head towards the guest bathroom knowing that’s where she’s gone to hide—from me.
Running my hand through my hair before knocking on the door, I hear something clatter into the sink.
“Sabrina. Please let me in.”
Nothing.
“Sabrina?”
Still nothing. I rest my forehead against the door and try one last time. “Sabrina, please. I’m not going to leave until you’ve opened this door and I’ve said what I need to say.”
The door is yanked open and I practically fall into the room. Sabrina grabs hold of my arm, just stopping me from face planting the floor.
“Sorry,” she mumbles. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I turn away from her and distract myself with closing the door to try and catch my breath. Falling into the room hadn’t been on the agenda.
“What do you want Lucien?”
I turn and face her, which is a mistake. Having her so close to me in the small guest bathroom is playing hell with my libido.
What do I want?
If I lie to her then I’m going to witness the hurt that I keep causing her, but if I answer honestly, will I be setting myself up for more heartache? I don’t want to suffer either.
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