“Hmm.”
“Lucien, you are really going to start pissing me off. For god’s sake, I don’t just let anyone rip my panties off, and fuck me at his parents’ house.”
“Hell, Sabrina,” he growls.
“Don’t you ‘hell Sabrina’ me.”
He starts laughing.
I’m not impressed.
He continues to laugh.
“I didn’t think that was funny.”
He pulls himself together. “Sorry. It wasn’t funny, in fact is was fuckin’ hot.”
I roll my eyes at him.
“We are going to have to do something about your language before the baby gets here.” I smile to take the bite from my words.
“I’m not that bad.”
“No, but one word is bad enough and you seem to like the fuckin’ word.”
He grins so damn wide I’m tempted to knock it off his face.
“Who doesn’t like fuckin’?”
I ignore him and concentrate on breathing because I’m wound up now.
He releases my fingers and starts to massage my foot, which I have to admit feels damn good, and is starting to relax me again.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks sounding unsure.
“You can ask me anything, Lucien. I thought we’d had the discussion about this.”
He seems to gather his courage and asks, “When my mom asked about buying things for the baby, you said you wanted to get past the four month mark.” I nod, and he continues, “Please tell me what’s worrying you about the pregnancy. Why do you want to wait?”
Has he been worrying about me? Wondering why I’m hesitant to start planning more for the arrival of our child?
“I’m not worrying about the baby. Well, no more than any other pregnant woman. To me it’s just early days. I don’t want to jinx anything for want of a better word by getting a nursery sorted and filling it. I guess I shouldn’t have researched pregnancy and things online, but I have and I don’t want to be someone who gets everything now, only to lose the baby. I don’t think I could handle that.”
“So other than the doctor wanting to keep a close eye on you because of the episode in the park, there isn’t anything to worry about? I’m referring to you as well.”
He has me choked up with his words. One thing I’ve been told is that my emotions will be all over the place and that I’ll probably cry at the drop of a hat while I’m pregnant. So far those words have been fairly accurate.
Shuffling slightly on the sofa, I spread my legs and watch as Lucien’s eyes darken. I smirk, “Don’t get any ideas. I want you to come sit up here with your back resting against me.”
He hesitates before kicking his shoes off and scooting up between my legs. I thought it would be more difficult to get him to do this because of how he is with his back. I’m sure as hell not going to complain because for now, he’s where I want him.
The fact that I asked him to sit between my open thighs might have had something to do with his easy compliance.
Sliding my hands over his shoulders, I pull him back. He moves lower so that he’s half lying on me with his head resting on my shoulder.
“Are you sure I’m not too heavy?”
“You’re just perfect.”
His whole body seems to tense at my words. I hope he realizes that they are words of truth.
“Relax,” I whisper, and wrap my legs around his waist, my feet resting against each of his thighs.
“How do you expect me to relax with your feet rubbing my cock?”
I laugh and swat him on his arm. “Behave. I’m trying to get you to relax without sex being involved.”
“Honey, when you’re touching me it’s difficult not to think about having you naked and under me or your touch on my cock.”
If he carries on he’s going to get a hormonal pregnant woman wanting more than to massage him.
Wiggling around under him, he chuckles.
“Now, I hope you’re ready for my talented hands.”
He grunts as I place my hands on his shoulders and let them slide to the front of his tee shirt. Slipping them inside, I feel a twitch against my feet causing me to smile and nibble on his ear.
“That good, huh?”
“Hmm.”
Rubbing over his collarbone, I move my hands and start to caress up and down his arms. “You’re a beautiful man, Lucien. When you walk into a room you’re the only one I see,” I whisper into his ear and feel his whole body shudder.
He brings tears to my eyes because he can’t or won’t see himself like I do. Instead of massaging him, all I really want to do is wrap him up into my arms and never let him go. He’d be pissed if I acted on my instinct.
Hopefully if I continually tell him what he means to me, he’ll eventually start to believe me. I need that hope.
Slipping my hands over his shoulders, I start to apply pressure hoping I’m not going to hurt him. Although he mentions his scars, we’ve never talked about his pain. Whether or not he still suffers. I have no experience with a burn victim so I’m going into this a bit blind. Well, I’m good at research.
As my thumbs start to rub up and down the back of his neck, Lucien stills.
What’s changed? I can’t get to his back so surely he isn’t worried about that?
Moving out of my arms, he drops his feet to the floor and with his elbows on his knees rests his head in his hands.
After minutes of silence, he turns his head and as he looks at me, his face is filled with regret. Shaking his head, he gets to his feet and grabbing his cell and keys walks out of the apartment.
I’m speechless and feel my heart break.
Chapter Twenty
Lucien
There isn’t enough alcohol in Kenza to make me forget what I’ve just done. I can’t even explain what made me leave without saying a word.
I was enjoying her touch more than I’ll ever be able to admit to her, not that she’d listen anyway. But that won’t happen with what I’ve just done.
She didn’t deserve that.
“Congratulations, brother. About damn time you decided to turn your life around.”
I grunt at his words.
“You pissed she’s pregnant? Mom said she doesn’t remember seeing you as happy.”
“I’m happy about the baby.”
Ruben slouches on the bar to my side with his eyes burning a hole in my bowed head while messing with his phone.
“Burying your head in Mr Daniels isn’t going to solve anything, brother.”
I choose to ignore him.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He drops onto a barstool.
“If you didn’t want me to see you, you would have chosen a different bar. So quit with the attitude and tell me what you’ve done now.”
Lifting my head, I meet his gaze. “How do you know I’ve done something?”
He laughs.
“You’re a McKenzie. All McKenzie men screw up and come here to drown their sorrows. So I’ll ask again. What have you done?”
“Walked out on Sabrina.”
He shakes his head. “When are you going to stop hurting her? And yourself?”
“It’s complicated.”
“No it isn’t. You want her and she wants you. What’s complicated about that?”
“You’re an ass. If I recall, not too long ago you had it bad for Rosie and acted like a dick. What makes you the expert?”
“Love,” he replies giving me a smug look while still playing with his cell.
“I’m not going there. Let’s just say that we were on the sofa and her hands…started to dip onto my back and I froze.” I empty my glass down my throat. “I’m a bastard. I knew it hurt her when I pulled away, which made me angry. I left without a word.”
“So she has no idea where you are. You didn’t even tell her you needed space. If that’s the case, then you are a bastard.”
Well, at least we agree on something.
“Can we talk about something else?”
I hold his gaze as he studies me.
He nods. “Ramon tells me you’re having problems on the site.”
Sighing in relief that I’m going to have my mind distracted for a short while at least, I admit I’ve brought reinforcements in. “I’ve asked Dante for help. He’s agreed to ask his brothers, but says it will more than likely be Eric as he has more experience on a building site than the others. Plus Eric is on leave for a while and driving everyone crazy. So Dante said Eric would jump at the chance to help so he’d have something to do. He did mention Diego at first, but he’s started back at the firehouse, plus Dante said he’d become a bit of a hothead.” I shake my head thinking about my brothers and me being hotheads. I’m not sure how our mother coped with us.
“Isn’t Diego’s twin out of the country? Studying or something,” Ruben asks with a frown.
“She is, Emelia. They were inseparable when she was home, and kept him tame, but now that she isn’t around, he seems to be spreading his wings a bit too far. If you get my drift.”
Ruben laughs. “It’s been a heck of a long time since both families came together. Perhaps that’s something we need to think about. When the next wedding takes place, maybe.”
“We’ve been invited to a wedding.” He raises an eyebrow in question. “Mateo is getting hitched and he’s invited us all to Montana for the event. According to Dante, he doesn’t sound like a man about to get married. So I’m more curious now than anything.”
“You thinking of going?”
“Yeah. It would be great if everyone else would also. Especially Mom and Dad.”
Ruben takes a drink and looks thoughtful. “I’ll talk to Mom,” he smiles, “and let her talk to Dad.”
I grin. Dad’s a hard nut to crack.
Ruben pauses. “Let’s get back on track. When’s Eric arriving?”
“Soon. When he gets here, we need to make sure the relationship doesn’t get out. He’s going in as one of the workers. See if he hears anything. I’m hesitant about him going in on his own. These bastards have been screwing with us for a while now.”
“He’s a marine. He’ll be fine.” Ruben pours himself a drink.
“Since when do you drink the hard stuff?”
“Since I looked at you.”
I pause then start laughing at him.
There isn’t any way he would have walked past me. He may have not wanted to get involved, but the brother connection is strong with us McKenzies. It always has been and no matter how much we might piss each other off, we’re loyal to a fault.
“So, Ruben tells me you’ve screwed up again.” Ramon grins obviously just arrived at the club.
“For fuck’s sake, Ramon,” Ruben cusses.
Ramon holds his cell out in front of his face and reads, “L’s screwed up. Drinking in club. That sounds like you’re telling me he’s screwed up,” Ramon points out to Ruben.
“Okay, children. Give it a rest. Yes, I’ve screwed up with Sabrina. I’m going to continue drinking this,” I hold the half empty bottle of Jack up, “until I can’t think straight anymore and then my life won’t seem so bad.”
“If you think drinking all that is going to change the fact that you have a woman at home who cares about you and a baby on the way, then you’re going to be sadly mistaken. And you also better start praying that Sabrina doesn’t decide to pack up and leave. I wouldn’t blame her if she did.”
Will she really walk away from me?
Yeah she will. If you push too far.
I knock the rest of my drink back and no longer feel the burn of it sliding down my throat. Since I met Sabrina, I’ve only really drank on a few occasions, and even though I know I’ll regret it tomorrow, I can’t stop. If I do, the look on Sabrina’s face when I walked out and left her will still be with me.
When will I stop hurting the only woman who I care about?
“Well, hello there. Aren’t you three handsome?”
A cute blonde woman, who isn’t too bad on the eyes, pulls me out of my alcoholic daze. I look to my brothers, and grin. Ramon looks shocked as though he wants to get out of here, and Ruben frowns before hiding his smile behind his drink.
So I take the initiative and ask, “And you are?”
“Susan,” she tells me moving in closer to run her finger over my chest. Her finger moves slowly down past my abs coming to a stop at my belt.
Really looking at her, she’s a cute little thing.
But not the woman you want!
I shake my head to get my conscious out, it isn’t working as I remove her hand from the waist of my jeans.
“Susan,” Ruben grabs her attention, “you might want to go say hello over there before they attract other attention.” Ruben points behind her to where there are two guys sitting watching her with us.
I agree it’s best she moves on. I’ve hurt Sabrina enough without trying to lose myself in someone else. I laugh. Shit, I can’t believe that thought even popped into my head. As though I’d move on to someone else. There isn’t any way I’d be able to get it up for anyone else, not even my own fuckin’ hand. I’ve tried.
Ruben slings his arm around my neck as Ramon removes the glass from my hand. “You, my brother are going to come upstairs with us before you get yourself into something you’re unable to dig yourself out of.”
Yes, I’ve had too much to drink, but I’m plenty aware of what’s going on around me. I’ll still suffer tomorrow, but it’s nothing less than I deserve.
“Can you walk?”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Hmm. Well get your ass up then,” Ruben smirks.
I stand and turn to face him saying, “I’m up,” as I sway into him.
“I’ll ask again. Can you walk?”
“Probably not in a straight line.”
Ignoring my brothers who are waiting for me to face plant the floor, I make my way through the club and wait for Ruben, whose come up behind me to punch the code to his place.
The stairs feel like more than I can handle, but I’m not about to give my brothers the satisfaction of knowing just how badly I’m struggling right now.
Finally, in Ruben’s apartment, I crash on his sofa and turning my head, I grin at Rosie who is trying her best not to laugh at me from the chair she’s curled up on.
“What’s going on?” she asks Ruben.
“He’s fucked up again.”
“Oh.”
My eyes drift closed, but soon open again when I feel a cold cloth against my face.
“What’s happened, Lucien?” Rosie asks when all I want to do is get lost in sleep.
“I keep hurting her. I do it deliberately…testing her. She says she isn’t going to walk away, but she will.”
“Ruben?”
“Leave him Rosie. He can sleep it off here,” I hear Ruben talking to his girl. “Ramon can you shoot Sabrina a text and let her know he’s spending the night here, and we’ll just hope she doesn’t decide to walk.”
“I’ll ring—”
I sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
Sabrina
Up and dressed, I refuse to check my phone for the millionth time in case I’ve missed a message from Lucien. After I received the call from Ramon last night, I managed to get some sleep. Not much.
I’d been worried about him after he left even though he’d hurt me by walking out without a word. I mean who does that? He never even said what the problem was. What I’d done or said. I’d practically told him that I loved him, well, not in so many words, but anyone reading between the lines could make out my real feelings for him.
And then he’d walked out and left me with my heart breaking, desperate to go after him. I hadn’t. He’d left so quickly and by the time I’d shaken off the shock, he would have already been in his car and away from the building.
I’m not going to give up on him. I promised I wouldn’t and regardless he’s under my skin so I wouldn’t be able to walk away even if I wanted to.
That doesn’t mean
I have to wait here for him to return home. To wait for an explanation from him that I’m not sure he’d give.
That’s why I accepted Carla’s invitation to meet her for breakfast. She wants to go over a few things for the charity event at the hospital as well as to pass on a few baby brochures that Lily has picked up for me.
Thinking about Lily hurts my stomach. She was my best friend, but now I’m not sure what we are. I know things are strained—my doing—because of her connection to Lucien. I know Lily is in love with Michael and she doesn’t see anyone else in the same way, but her relationship with Lucien is hard to explain. There is a closeness there that seems so much deeper than his connection to me. Sometimes I think he’s telling me the truth and there is nothing between them, but then I see a secret look shared between them and then I’m not too sure.
I obviously want to believe him. It’s just difficult.
My only hope is that somewhere down the line my friendship with Lily, and the closeness we shared growing up, will come back because I really miss having her to turn to. She always gave me sound advice and with Lucien, she is sure to know how I can help him…or, at the very least, have an idea. I’m completely out of my element with him and can’t seem to do right for doing wrong.
Stepping out of the elevator, I walk through the lobby and offer a smile and wave to Roger on the security desk. He does a really good job, which Lucien has confessed is one of the reasons he chose to purchase the apartment. And as I approach the door, he quickly dashes in front of me to open it for me.
“Have a nice day Miss Walker.”
A lovely man.
“Thank you and please call me Sabrina,” I request with a smile.
“Oh, I can’t. Mr McKenzie won’t like that.”
“Hmm.” We’ll see. “Thank you, Roger.”
The Starbucks coffee shop is only a few blocks over, and, with the weather being so nice, it’s lovely to walk. All because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m unable to do anything. I love walking and when we have good weather, I can walk miles, and often do. It’s also a good opportunity to try and get rid of the stress that seems to constantly have me in its clutches.
Something has to give with Lucien. I’m human. I can only take so much before it gets to be too much. The doctor has told me, in his presence, that I need to be stress free. She has no idea what it’s like living with someone who is expecting you to walk out the door the first opportunity you get. Sometimes I feel like screaming at him, but most of the time I just want to hold him. And I can’t deny how much I need his arms around me. Lucien has lived a very solitary life until I dropped into it. So I can understand him needing time to adjust, but he needs so much more. I’m starting to think that perhaps I’m not strong enough to hold him together, tears prick my eyes and I take a deep breath to stop them. I can’t keep feeling so sad but what else can I feel when I’m watching my hope for a future with him slowly dwindling away.
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