In my defence, I say, “I’m sorry Sabrina. I don’t know what else to say. I told you that Michael was a mess, and I was worried about Lily. Someone needed to stay there with him while the doctors were examining Lily and she was having tests done. He’s my brother dammit, Sabrina.” I drag my fingers through my hair wanting her to understand. “My family have always been there for me so I’m not about to let my family down when they need me.”
I close my eyes. I’ve just told her she isn’t family when she is. She’s my family. My future. I hadn’t meant it the way it had left my mouth. In the past, I’ve always put them first, but now I should be putting Sabrina first, and I didn’t. I love her and our unborn child. What the fuck have I done?
The hurt on her face nearly kills me.
She just looks at me with silent tears falling down her face. “I guess I finally know how you really look at me.” She slowly gets to her feet while my words of apology get stuck in my throat. “Please don’t come after me. If you can’t show any respect for me any other way, please respect my wishes. My mother will let you know when the baby arrives.”
Unable to move, I watch her with my eyes as she grabs her purse and leaves.
I can’t breathe. There’s a pain in my chest that won’t let up. My whole life is passing before my eyes, spinning as out of control as a tornado all without Sabrina.
Throwing my mug across the room, not caring what’s just shattered along with it, I cry like a man who’s just lost everything…because I have.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sabrina
Two days ago I walked away from Lucien and instead of going to my mother’s place I ran to Ramon. I shouldn’t have with him being Lucien’s brother, but he’s the only one I wanted. The only one I knew would understand.
Lucien’s words had cut me up inside. Hearing him tell me he was there for Michael because he was family had put the final nail in our so-called relationship. I was living an illusion. I’m not sure what he thought we had, but it wasn’t what I thought we had. A relationship.
Lily, Carla and Rosie have tried calling me, but I can’t speak to any of them. I just want to forget and to try and get on with my life, which is a laugh. I’m still wearing my pyjamas and it’s already past lunchtime. Ramon and Eric are out at work so it doesn’t really matter, I guess. Eric, who I had no idea was staying with Ramon while he’s here, has also turned out to be a good friend. He even threatened to carry me into the shower and let me wash his back if I didn’t get out of bed today. I didn’t want to find out whether or not he was teasing.
Instead of lying around, I need to find a way to carry on without Lucien, who I relied heavily on for my happiness before he destroyed all my ideas I had about us. If only I could get the look on his face when I turned away from him out of my head. He’d looked as though I was the one doing the destroying.
Hearing a lock turn, I stare at the door and watch Eric walk through kicking his work boots off. No Ramon?
He smiles as he drops his ass on the chair opposite me. “See you made it from the bed to the sofa. You showered as well? Pity, I wouldn’t have minded carrying out my threat,” he observes with a grin.
“No one wants to see this body in the shower.”
“If I thought for one minute that I stood a chance with you, we’d have already showered together and other things,” he smirks.
“You’re a big flirt.”
“Been accused of that a time or two.”
I change the subject. “Why are you home now? I thought you were working all day.”
He shakes his head. “I needed to get out of there for a while before I actually push the asshole from the tenth floor scaffolding.”
“That doesn’t sound too good.”
He stretches out in the chair, and crosses his feet on the coffee table while he lets his head drop to the back of the chair.
“Are you alright?”
“Exhausted. I’m getting too old for this shit.”
He does look rung out.
“Let’s forget about why I’m pissed at someone at work and I’ll tell you about my brother, Dante,” he looks at me, his eyes sparkling with mirth, “and all the ladies who attend his church who won’t leave him alone.”
My eyes widen.
He chuckles. “He’s a priest and has been for a while now. Anyway, he rang me this morning needing to let off steam. Apparently working out at the gym didn’t work this time…I see I have your attention.”
“Please get on with it, this sounds like a story I might enjoy.”
“Okay, well, the chicks love a guy who looks after his body, and the same goes for a guy of the cloth. My brother works out when he gets the chance to burn through whatever demons he’s been running from for years, and the woman who attend his church drool all over him. So, anyway, he rang me the other day pissed because one of these women has started to stalk him.” He grins.
“Um, why are you grinning?”
“You’ll understand when I finish. So at some point during the day, he would find a single red rose somewhere around the church. He was starting to get worried and tried to be more vigilant. I’d told him it was probably one of the stiletto-wearing chicks. He rang me this morning to tell me he’d caught the culprit red handed. Her name is Betty and she is an eighty-two year old woman who is missing her husband. Apparently, Dante reminds her of him and the roses are what they used to do during their courting days. He was lost for words and had no idea what to say to her. On one hand, it’s funny because he was terrified it was one of the younger women who are always staring at him, but on the other it’s sweet and sad. I mean what a life she must have had to get to eighty-two years old, and I can’t help but wonder how long she’d been together with her husband when he died.”
“That is so sweet,” I blubber.
“Oh hell, Sabrina. I didn’t tell you that to make you cry, I thought it would make you smile.”
“I’ve been crying on and off all day and these pregnancy hormones make me ten times worse. Thank you for telling me that story. I really hope to meet Dante one day. He sounds nice.”
He rolls his eyes.
“I’ll keep that to myself. Don’t want it going to his head, and thinking your stalking him.”
I laugh as my tears dry up.
Over the past few days, I’ve enjoyed Eric’s company, but I think he’s lonely. He’s a marine, but he hasn’t been active for months. Not sure why, convalescent leave they said, but since no one has explained it, I haven’t asked. If he wants me to know he’ll tell me. I mean he tells me everything else.
“So tell me,” Eric pauses, and waits until I meet his gaze before continuing, “did that distract you from my cousin?”
“Yeah, temporarily,” I admit.
“I’ve seen how unhappy you are Sabrina, but are you sure there isn’t anything anyone can do to help you both get back together?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I love him Eric,” I swallow down the sob trying to burst forth. “The problem is that he doesn’t love me or considered me part of his family. I was living with him as a normal couple. I’m carrying his child so I thought at least I was part of his family, you know. When he practically told me I wasn’t, I realized I couldn’t stay anymore.” I shrug. “We might have been able to work through what happened with the ultrasound, but hearing him say he passed me over for family hurt. A lot.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t have any choice but to carry on. I have a growing baby to think about. I’m just not sure where I’m going to go. If I’m honest, I’m worried about Lucien. He looked as broken as I felt when I left. I can’t get his look out of my head.”
“He has his brothers. Don’t worry about him. Just worry about yourself and baby for now.”
“I know I need to, it’s just difficult. The love I have for him isn’t just going to disappear, regardless of his callous words. I’m not sure it ever will.”
A buzzing from
Eric’s pocket has him scrambling for his phone. Glancing at the screen, his mouth tightens into a frown—obviously the text message isn’t good.
“Hell. I need to head back. I’m sorry Sabrina. Will you be alright on your own?”
I smile. “I was alright all morning.”
“Okay.”
He gets up and hesitates before kissing me on the head.
Without another word, he slips on his work boots and slips through the door, leaving me with my thoughts.
Chapter Thirty
Lucien
My brothers, as usual, think they know best and are now in my kitchen warming up the food the girls have sent. Providing I stop hiding in my bedroom like a coward, it will be the first meal I will have eaten since Sabrina walked out. I don’t blame her for walking because I was a complete bastard.
I mean, what the fuck possessed me to say she wasn’t family? The minute the words left my mouth, I knew what I’d done. Watching her face as the words registered had killed me. Being honest with myself, I’d said them because I was feeling backed into a corner so I snapped. I knew she was right with the accusations she was throwing at me, that I was wrong but I couldn’t admit it and I’d ended up hurting her badly.
Now after three days of misery, my brother’s have arrived, letting themselves in because I refused to answer the door. I’m just thankful that the girls stayed away because I’m not sure how I’d have handled seeing them together with the love they have for my brothers. I had all that and I threw her away with my callous words.
And now I’m going to have to go out there and talk to them. Tell them what a bastard I was to her. If they don’t know already, as I’m sure Ramon has all the details. I’m not jealous, I’m fuckin’ jealous as hell that my brother has a closer relationship with my girl than I do.
Oh, I know they haven’t slept together, and they never will, but she talks to him. Part of me is glad that she has someone to go to, but, yeah, I can’t help but be jealous. Of my own brother as well.
Shoving my arms into a clean tee shirt, I make sure I’m covered while inhaling deeply before slowly exhaling in an effort to calm myself down.
I’m the oldest one and should be the one dishing out the grief to them, but today I’m about to get that treatment from them. There’s something wrong with this.
It’s usually me telling them what a bastard they’ve been.
Walking out into the lounge, four pair of eyes stare at me as though they haven’t seen me before.
I sigh, and, ignoring them grab a bowl of chilli, a fork and a beer from the breakfast bar and take them with me as I drop onto my chair in the lounge. Perhaps I could have shaved, but why would I? I don’t have any enthusiasm for anything.
Starting to eat, my brother’s join me and fill up the lounge, spreading out on the sofas and other chair with their dinner.
Eating in silence is new, but looking at Sebastian, I know the silence isn’t going to last.
He grins, and asks. “So what did you do to screw up?”
Michael and Ruben cuss. I glance at Ramon whose frown probably matches mine but he remains silent, which is probably a good thing.
Being prepared for the question helps to keep my anger in check as I place my bowl on the coffee table. I take a long drink from my longneck as I gather my thoughts and then sigh.
“Have you not told them?” I ask Ramon.
He replies, shaking his head, “No. It wasn’t my story to tell.”
I’m glad at least one of my brothers doesn’t gossip like an old lady, but in a way it would be so much easier if he did.
With my heart feeling heavy, I admit, “I missed Sabrina’s twenty week scan at the OB’s office.”
“How the fuck did you forget that?” Ruben demands. “If it was Rosie you can bet your ass I’d be there no matter what the hell else I had on.”
And that is how I should have been with Sabrina. I let her down by not being there. The truth is that I wanted to be there so damn much and when I rang her I tried to make light of it when in fact, I’d been hiding my disappointment from her. I hadn’t even mentioned Sabrina’s appointment to Michael when he’d asked me to stay with him because he’d been worked up over Lily.
I glance at Michael, and admit the truth, “It was the day Lily had her fall.” I have Michael’s attention, and notice my brothers glance at him as I continue, “I called Sabrina from the hospital telling her about Lily. I basically blew her off.”
“Because I was a selfish jerk and asked you to stay with me while Lily was having the tests,” Michael says before cussing.
“You had no idea what I had planned that day because I’d only just arrived at your place when Lily fell. And if you must know I blamed myself for Lily’s fall. She was rushing to let me in because the door was locked with the key in the lock so I couldn’t use my own.”
“Fuck. It’s not your fault she fell. She was rushing, had a dizzy spell, and slipped because she had socks on her feet instead of shoes.”
“Tell them the rest,” Ramon says, not being helpful at all.
Tugging at my hair with my hands, I add, “I snapped when I knew she was right with her argument, and basically told her she wasn’t family…and that family come first.”
“Fuckin’ hell,” Ruben cusses.
Sebastian adds, “Even I don’t screw up that big.”
“You do realize the fact it was Lily, which indirectly prevented you from being with Sabrina, probably made the situation ten times worse?” Ramon adds.
“What?”
What the hell is he talking about?
“You seriously don’t know? Why the hell do you think she doesn’t respond to Lily anymore?” Ramon questions me.
“Fuck. I didn’t even think about that,” Michael adds.
“Why would she be jealous of Lily?”
Now they all glare at me.
“You have a special relationship with my wife that was strange to me and the others to begin with. Sabrina is jealous because you always put Lily before her.” Michael shakes his head, which tells me to stay quiet. “Basically she’s an outsider looking in and thinks you’re in love with my wife…I know you don’t love her like that and so does everyone else. It hasn’t been a problem before because you haven’t had someone with you, but you did and she was finding it hard to get past your relationship with Lily. Did you ever sit down and tell her why you are so close to Lily? Or were you as clueless as I think you were?”
There isn’t any reason to answer him because he’ll see by the shock on my face. I’d obviously, wrongly presumed after my earlier conversation with Sabrina that she had dropped the whole thing about Lily. The signs were there if I’d only taken more notice.
“I need to talk to Sabrina.”
Ramon winces.
“What?”
He doesn’t answer.
“Ramon, if you know something then please tell me.”
He looks at anyone but me, avoiding my eyes.
This can’t be good.
“I’m not sure she’ll be willing to talk to you. I’m not sure what’s happened, but this morning she was up before Eric and me and had breakfast ready for us before she said she was fine and going to run some errands. She just looked, well, not heartbroken like she has done over these past few days.”
“That’s good right?” I query. At least I think it is. I’m not too sure. It would be easier if she was missing me…then she would take my apology and come back here where she belongs. If she isn’t missing me—well, I don’t want to even think about that.
“I’m not sure. Eric followed her to make sure she was okay, because, to be honest, she was acting oddly. We couldn’t work it out. Anyway, she, um, met some guy in Starbucks.”
“She what!” I roar.
“Ramon you idiot. I told you not to tell him that,” Ruben gets in his face, but Ramon shoves him back.
“Don’t start on me.” Ramon pokes Ruben in the chest. “He’s the one who screwed up, not me. Lu
cien needs to know so he doesn’t sit on his ass and let someone else walk away with his woman.”
He turns to me.
“I hope you’re listening because that is what’s going to happen if you carry on being a dick. That woman loves you, and has taken nothing but shit from you. You don’t deserve her after the way you’ve treated her. If you were anyone else, I would beat the crap out of you. But you’re my brother and I want you happy for once. I’m telling you this because I love you and her, but do not go after her unless you’re willing to keep her, and to talk to her. Tell her about your past so you can move forward because until you do you’re only going to carry on hurting her. And once that’s out of the equation perhaps you’ll be able to tell her how much you love her. That’s what she needs to know, Lucien.”
“Well fuck me. I didn’t know my baby brother had all those words inside him,” Ruben comments, staring at Ramon in shock.
“Fuck you,” he responds.
Every word Ramon has just spoken is the truth, and I know what I have to do.
Chapter Thirty-One
Sabrina
My breakfast with Gavin was uncomfortable to say the least. We managed to get through the final arrangements for the fundraising event taking place in a couple of week’s time. He’s a really nice guy when he’s not flirting with me, which he tends to slip into rather often. Even with my stomach protruding out with every passing day as well. I should be happy that another man finds me attractive, but at the end of the day, I miss Lucien. He’s the only man I want a relationship with.
Last night after waking myself up crying, I decided the tears had to stop along with the heartache because it couldn’t be good for our baby. Deep down I know Lucien regrets his choice of words, I just wish they hadn’t hit so deeply in my heart.
I know myself, and I know I won’t be able to stay away from him for long. Thanks to Ramon I have my clothes, but he only brought me some for a few days so at least I have an excuse to go and see Lucien. It gives me a reason for being at his apartment so I don’t look like a desperate fool, or a lovesick girl.
Looking in to the window of the store I’m passing, I try to see my reflection to see if I have the desperate, heartbroken look on my face. I stop and stare inside the store when I realize it’s a baby store. This is something I’d planned on doing with Lucien and I’m not even sure I’m capable of going inside on my own without having a meltdown. How stupid is that?
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