The Butterfly Room

by Lucinda Riley

  ‘That sounds perfect, although Estelle is rather wild, Posy. You won’t be tempted to follow her lead, will you?’

  ‘Of course not, darling. We’ll hardly see each other anyway, with me working all day and her dancing all night.’

  ‘At least it will keep you out of trouble until I’ve completed my training, and then,’ he squeezed me tight, ‘we’re off to see the world.’

  I decided not to continue the conversation further. The fact that Jonny simply assumed I would leave my longed-for job the moment he said I should, was a subject for another time.

  My last May Ball was bittersweet. Jonny and I and a group of St John’s and New Hall undergraduates leaving Cambridge danced until dawn, downing champagne until I collapsed on the Backs against Jonny’s shoulder, feeling tearful from too much alcohol as I watched the sun rise over the Cam for the last time.

  ‘Posy, I love you,’ Jonny murmured.

  ‘Mmmph, I love you too,’ I said drowsily, shutting my eyes and wanting to sleep, but Jonny moved from under me so I put my head against the soft, sweet-smelling grass.

  ‘Posy?’

  I dragged my eyes open and saw Jonny was on one knee in front of me, holding a small jewellery box in his hands.

  ‘I know we’ve been engaged to be engaged for quite some time now, so before we go our separate ways, I thought I should make it official. My mother gave me her grandmother’s ring when I went home for Easter, you see, and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket waiting for the perfect moment. It’s been such a wonderful night, and we’re both leaving Cambridge, and . . . what I mean to say is,’ he took a deep breath, ‘Posy Anderson, will you marry me?’

  He opened the box to reveal a ring made up of three sapphires surrounded by tiny diamonds and slipped it onto my finger.

  ‘I . . . yes,’ I replied, watching the way the ring glittered in the first rays of the sun. And even though, when he drew me to him to kiss me, I didn’t feel the excitement I perhaps ought to at the prospect of being an engaged girl, I kissed him back.

  Chapter 21

  Over the weekend, Amy’s emotions had lurched between guilt and euphoria. The morning after the night with Sebastian, she’d risen early, unable to sleep, woken her children and they’d crept out of the house so as not to disturb him. She’d driven straight into Southwold, drawn some money out of the bank and been the first in the queue at the post office to pay the electricity bill. Arriving back home to their chilly house, she saw that the fridge-freezer had started to defrost, leaving a big puddle on the kitchen floor, which meant that most of the food inside it would be ruined. Salvaging what she could to eat in the next twenty-four hours, Amy cleared up the mess and at noon, the fridge had started whirring once more and the bare bulb in the kitchen had lit up.

  When Sam had arrived home, she’d told him in a matter-of-fact way about the electricity being cut off and that they’d all had to ship out to Admiral House for the night. If she’d wanted to cover her tracks and lie about where they’d been, it was pointless. The children would tell him anyway.

  Sam had been full of remorse, saying it must have slipped his mind and how could she ever forgive him? Far too exhausted for an argument and hardly feeling she held the moral high ground anyway, Amy said she forgave him, that it was one of those things and she was prepared to forget it. Obviously relieved he’d been let so lightly off the hook, Sam announced that he’d been paid yesterday, that he’d like to take Amy out to supper that night and could she get a babysitter at short notice? She had thanked him but refused, the thought of spending a couple of intimate hours across a table from her husband too much for her, and had taken herself off for an early night. Sam had followed her to bed and proceeded to try and make love to her. She had feigned sleep, and he’d taken her rejection as a sign that underneath, she was still cross with him about the electricity bill. He’d been in a bad mood for the rest of the weekend and Amy had done her best to keep out of his way.

  She was glad when Monday arrived and she could escape to work. She bought herself a sandwich at lunchtime and went down to the sea front to eat it on a bench. The day was fresh, but not cold. Amy closed her eyes and for the first time, allowed herself to remember what it had felt like to have Sebastian making love to her, the words he had spoken, the way he’d caressed her body, her face, her hair, so gently. Having little with which to compare the experience, other than a few university romps and the early days with Sam, she wondered whether the loving way Sebastian had been and the things he’d said were par for the course when a man got a woman into bed: was she just another notch on his bedpost, or had it meant more?

  Amy had felt the tingle in her lower stomach as she remembered, and knew for her, it was definitely the latter.

  She walked back towards the hotel, wondering if Sebastian contacted her, whether she would want it to happen again. And despite trying very hard to think of her marriage, her children and the dire consequences of being discovered, Amy knew she would.

  However, in the following few days, as she heard nothing from Sebastian, any romantic thoughts began to disappear. It was obvious that he was not interested in pursuing the relationship any further. Why else wouldn’t he have contacted her?

  She tried to remember that she was a consenting adult, that he had not dragged her into bed, that she’d gone of her own free will for her own pleasure. Therefore, she must not feel used by Sebastian. That was old-fashioned. These days, it was perfectly acceptable for a woman to sleep with a man without having to label herself a tart.

  Nevertheless, as the week passed, her spirits sagged further as still she heard nothing from him. Even Sara and Jake noticed their mother’s short temper. Sam imaginatively asked her whether it was the time of the month as she slammed their supper onto the table.

  ‘Mum called whilst you were out shopping,’ he said as they sat down to eat.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes, she wanted to know if we’d like to go round to Sunday lunch this weekend.’

  The thought of going anywhere near Admiral House was anathema to Amy. Sebastian would be there, probably gloating over his conquest as she suffered the humiliation of rejection.

  ‘I don’t think so, thanks.’ Amy stood up and tipped her bolognese into the bin. ‘I’ve got a heap of washing and ironing to do and to be honest, at the moment, I can’t think of anything worse.’

  ‘Keep your hair on, darling! I thought you liked going to Mum’s.’

  ‘I do . . . I did . . . I’m just not up to it at the moment, that’s all. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going up to bed.’

  Amy climbed the stairs, fell onto the unmade bed and sobbed her heart out into the pillow.

  By Monday, over a week had passed and it was becoming impossible for Amy not to hate Sebastian. She realised she must try to forget all about him and what had happened. For all she knew, Sebastian spent his life sleeping with women and not giving them another thought. And because of him, she’d been rotten to the kids, and it wasn’t their fault she’d made a total fool of herself.

  That evening, as she was leaving the hotel to walk to the car, a hand was placed on her shoulder.

  ‘Amy.’

  ‘Hello, Sebastian.’ She did not look at him as her heart banged against her chest.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked as she carried on walking towards the car park, looking nervously from side to side in case anyone saw them.

  ‘Fine,’ she lied.

  ‘Why did you leave that morning without saying goodbye?’

  ‘I . . .’ She was shocked that, after over a week of hearing nothing from him, he could somehow twist the blame to her. ‘You were asleep. I had to go and pay my electricity bill.’

  ‘Oh. I presume you now regret what happened?’

  She stopped and turned to look at him. ‘You obviously do, or maybe you’ve just forgotten all about it by now.’

  ‘What?!’ He looked amazed at her anger.

  ‘Let’s face it, you’ve hardly made a
big effort to contact me in the past week, have you?’ she said.

  ‘Amy, last Monday morning, I came to the hotel. You weren’t in yet, and I was rushing to catch a train for London, so I left a note for you with someone on reception. Didn’t you get it?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I didn’t.’

  ‘Well, I swear to you I did. Check when you get back to the hotel. It was heavily coded, of course, and brief, but it told you I was off to Oslo for a literary festival. It gave you my mobile number and said to call whenever you could.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yes, oh,’ he repeated. Then he smiled. ‘So there was me in Oslo, miserable as sin because you didn’t call, and you here, thinking what a complete and utter bastard I was.’

  ‘Something like that, yes,’ Amy agreed, allowing a small smile to cross her own lips as relief flooded through her.

  ‘Amy . . .’ He grasped her fingers in his hand. ‘I’ll ask you again, and please tell me honestly: Do you regret what happened?’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘God, no.’ He shook his head vehemently. ‘I’m worried you do.’

  ‘No,’ she said quietly, ‘unfortunately I don’t. I wish I did.’

  ‘And I wish I could hold you,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘I’ve missed you so much. All I thought about in that hotel room was you. When can I see you?’

  ‘I really don’t know.’

  ‘Do you get any time off during the week?’

  ‘Wednesday afternoon,’ she said.

  ‘Posy is now working until five at the gallery on a Wednesday because of Christmas. Could you come to Admiral House? Please?’ he urged her.

  Amy rubbed her forehead. ‘God, Sebastian, this is wrong. I—’

  ‘We just need to talk, that’s all,’ he said gently.

  ‘I have to pick the children up at three thirty from school, unless I asked Marie to collect them for me . . . oh dear . . . I really shouldn’t . . . I . . .’

  ‘Please, Amy.’

  She took a deep breath and exhaled. ‘Okay.’ She got inside the car and smiled wearily up at him. ‘Bye, Sebastian.’

  ‘See you on Wednesday,’ he whispered.

  The following day, Posy arrived at Ferry Road as Amy was feeding the children their supper.

  ‘Sara, darling, what a lovely hug,’ Posy said as the little girl flung herself around her legs. ‘Amy, you look well. Better than last time I saw you, anyway.’ She extracted herself from Sara and bustled into the kitchen. ‘And there was Sam saying you weren’t feeling well enough to come over for lunch on Sunday. Here, I made a trifle for the children’s pudding.’ Posy put it down on the kitchen table and stared at her. ‘Have you had your hair cut?’

  Amy blushed. ‘Yes. I popped into the hairdresser at lunchtime for a quick trim. I haven’t had it cut for over a year, and it needed it.’

  ‘Well, it looks splendid. In fact, my dear Amy, you look splendid.’ Posy’s eyes crinkled with mischief. ‘By the look of you I’d say things were going much better with Sam. Am I right?’

  ‘Yes,’ Amy nodded vehemently, ‘yes, they are.’

  ‘It’s amazing how it shows. You have that sparkle back in your eyes and it’s wonderful to see.’

  Amy busied herself with spooning out the trifle so Posy wouldn’t see her flushed cheeks, then shooed the children off into the sitting room.

  ‘I heard about the electricity bill debacle, by the way.’ Posy sat herself down at the table. ‘Sam was mortified for forgetting to pay it. And of course, it’s typical I wasn’t at home. Still, I’m sure Sebastian looked after the three of you.’

  ‘Yes, he did.’

  ‘He’s such a nice chap. I’ll miss him when he leaves for good.’

  ‘He’s leaving?’ Amy couldn’t help herself asking.

  ‘Not until Christmas, as far as I know. I’m just saying I’ve got used to him being around, that’s all. But, of course, so much will change in the new year,’ Posy sighed. ‘However, the sight of you looking so much better cheers me enormously and makes me feel it was the right thing to do, to give Sam his chance at Admiral House.’

  ‘Yes, thank you again, Posy.’

  ‘Anyway, I popped in because there were a few things I wanted to ask you. Number one, I wondered whether you’d do me the honour of designing me some Christmas cards? I thought it might be a nice idea to have a last sketch of Admiral House on the front. I’d pay you, of course.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Posy. I’ll do it for nothing. I’d love to.’

  ‘Thank you, dear. That would be marvellous. And I also wanted to know whether you’d be able to come and see some houses with me this coming weekend? Marie has popped some details in to the gallery and a couple look quite interesting.’

  ‘Of course I would. I’ll see if Sam will mind the children.’

  ‘I think, my dear, at present, Sam would walk over burning coals to be forgiven for his misdemeanour. Saturday it is, then. We could go for that lunch we keep promising ourselves. Now, the other thing is, I presume the two of you are still going to Tammy’s launch party next week in London?’

  ‘To be honest, I’d forgotten all about it,’ said Amy truthfully.

  ‘Well, I think it’s very important for you and Sam to go. Every couple needs the occasional night to themselves. I’ll have the children.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Oh and the other thing is that, in readiness for the big move, I actually went upstairs into the bedroom wardrobes to begin to clear things out,’ explained Posy. ‘And I found racks of my mother’s old evening dresses. I’m sure a lot of them are far too moth-eaten to be salvageable, but there are a few, including a beautiful black Hartnell, that are definitely worth you trying on. My mother was about your size and the Hartnell in particular would be perfect for the party. The ones you don’t like can go to Tammy for her boutique. Anyway, I shall leave them out, and if you’re passing, pop in and have a try.’

  ‘Actually . . .’ A thought jumped into Amy’s mind. ‘I might pop in sometime tomorrow afternoon, if that’s okay with you.’

  ‘Fine by me, dear. I’ll be at the gallery, but I’ll leave the kitchen door open.’

  ‘So, how was Amsterdam?’

  ‘Delightful.’

  ‘And when do we get to meet your Freddie?’

  ‘He’s not “my” Freddie, dear, just a very pleasant companion. Now, I really must be off. I’ll give you a buzz when I know what time the viewings are on Saturday, but why don’t we say I’ll pick you up here at half past twelve?’

  ‘Okay. Bye, Posy.’

  Amy watched her mother-in-law head for the sitting room to say goodbye to the children, and thought she wasn’t the only one who apparently had a sparkle in her eye these days.

  On Wednesday afternoon, hardly believing her good fortune at having found a genuine reason to be at Admiral House, Amy left work and drove the ten minutes out of town, butterflies fluttering round her stomach. She parked her car at the front and made her way round to the kitchen door. Before she could open it, Sebastian appeared and enveloped her in his arms.

  ‘God, I’ve missed you.’ He pulled her inside and kissed her almost roughly. Amy found herself responding with similar fervour. Managing to break away and draw breath, she looked up at him and smiled.

  ‘I thought I’d come here to talk?’

  ‘We can, yes,’ he replied, kissing her neck and removing her coat at the same time. ‘But first, please, come to bed. It’s much more pleasant to talk with no clothes on.’ His hands slipped underneath her shirt and her body tingled with desire. She let him lead her up the stairs to his room and insisted he lock the door just in case Posy returned early.

  ‘Darling, she just might notice your car parked right outside, but never mind,’ he teased her as he ripped the clothes from her body and began to make love to her.

  An hour later, she was propped up in bed, leaning against his chest as he stroked her hair.

  ‘This may sound corny, but has it
ever been like this for you before?’ Sebastian asked.

  Amy stared into the distance. ‘I suppose I should say that, yes, I’ve had great sex with lots of men, so if you dump me, I won’t feel you were just getting an ego boost—’

  ‘Amy, stop it, I know you spent a week thinking I was a total bastard, but you have to trust me. I’m just not that kind of man. In fact, the last time I had sex was . . .’ He thought about it. ‘Over a year ago.’

  ‘Oh, so you’re just desperate, are you?’ She turned to him and played with the wiry hair on his chest.

  ‘Sometimes, a man just can’t win,’ he sighed.

  ‘Well the truth is, I have never, ever had anything like what we just had then.’ She kissed his chest. ‘Okay?’

  Sebastian was silent for a while before he said, ‘Amy, the way I feel for you, it’s not just about sex, you know. It’s something much deeper than that. And it frightens me. The last time I felt this for someone, she went and died on me.’

  ‘Well, I’m not intending to do that,’ Amy promised.

  Sebastian shook his head. ‘But you are married to someone else. Morally, you are not mine to love.’

  ‘And vice versa,’ she sighed. ‘I’m a wife and a mother.’

  ‘What I’m trying to say is that it might actually be better if it was just a strong physical attraction, a mutually beneficial arrangement between the two of us with no strings attached. I mean, where on earth do we go from here?’ he pondered.

  ‘Sebastian, we hardly know each other, and—’

  ‘I feel as though I’ve known you for a very long time,’ he interjected.

  ‘Well, you haven’t.’

  ‘No.’ Sebastian was silent for a while. ‘Amy, this is a ghastly question to ask you, but I have to know the answer. Do you still love Sam?’

  She bit her lip and stared out of the window. ‘I’ve been asking myself the same question for the past few weeks; I mean, before you and I . . . He’s the father of my children, and that’s a huge bond that can never be broken, whatever happens. As to whether I love him . . . well, if I’m brutally honest, no. I’m not in love with him any more.’