A Life Without Regrets

by Marci Bolden

  Carol chuckled as she put her pieces on the board. “That’s good. I’m sure they were thorough.”

  Ellen moved one of her checkers first without any debate as to who would take the first turn. “Would you like them to look into Simon?”

  Sliding a red plastic disk forward, she glanced at her aunt. “No. I’ve known Simon for over twenty-five years. I feel pretty confident I can trust him.”

  “There were a lot of years when you weren’t in contact. Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think.”

  Carol grinned. “He’s the chief of staff at a prestigious children’s hospital. I’m quite confident they wouldn’t have given him that position if there were skeletons in his closet.”

  “Oh, honey. You can’t be that naive.”

  Carol couldn’t really explain why, but her defenses spiked. She knew Ellen meant well, but any insinuation that Simon might harbor some kind of ill intent made her want to protect him. She didn’t. She simply stated, “Simon’s a good man. No background search required. Thank you, though.”

  Ellen seemed satisfied. For a moment. Then she smirked that same mischievous grin she’d had when she was waiting for Carol to figure out that Judith had a friend. “You do realize that you said a background check wasn’t necessary because you trust him, not because you aren’t interested in dating him.”

  Carol opened her mouth, but her aunt’s know-it-all grin made her stop short of explaining herself. Much like with Lara and Mary, even Elijah, the more she insisted she wasn’t interested in dating, the less Ellen would believe her. Instead, she shook her head. “I really don’t know why everyone is trying to pair me off.”

  “Because it’s time.”

  “Don’t you think that’s my decision to make?”

  Ellen tilted her head, and the teasing light in her eyes faded. “Look around you, honey. You’re too young to set yourself up for a future like this.”

  Carol didn’t have to scan the room. She knew what her aunt was implying. If she didn’t pick up the pieces and move on soon, she might never pick them up. What was left of her life would pass by, leaving her a lonely widow in a retirement community. Her aunt didn’t have to say that. Carol had already considered the possibility. “I’ve been a widow for a little over a year. I’d like to take some time to finish grieving before throwing myself at the first unsuspecting male who comes along.”

  Ellen pressed her lips into a thin line. She might have been trying to bite back whatever she was thinking, but Carol knew her well enough to know she was going to share her thoughts, no matter how much a voice in the back of her mind warned her not to. Ellen and Judith had a way of saying whatever the hell they wanted.

  “Do you want to know why everyone is so concerned about you, Carol?” Ellen asked.

  “Because my husband is dead and I’m spending my life driving around the country in an RV alone?”

  “No. Well, that’s not all of it anyway.” Ellen pointed at her niece. “You’ve spent your entire life hiding away from what hurts you. You shut down, put your head in the sand, and pretend your pain doesn’t exist. We don’t want to see you doing that again.”

  “King me,” Carol said after moving one of her pieces.

  Ellen frowned as she stacked one circle on top of another.

  Carol sat back and drew a breath. Simon had encouraged her to open up to her mom and aunt about her diagnosis. Here, once again, was a segue that she could take. She considered doing so for a heartbeat, but when she spoke, she said, “I’m aware of my ability to shut down, Aunt Ellen. That’s something I’m trying to change. I’m in therapy now. I’m pushing myself to do the things that scare me. Or have you forgotten the episode at the pool?”

  “I haven’t forgotten anything. We’re all proud of the steps you’ve been taking. Your mom can sleep a little easier knowing you’re talking to someone. But what if you’re on the road, alone, and decide to stuff all your hurt into a bottle? There won’t be anyone there to push you to let your pain out. You’re going to cause yourself some real damage. That’s the same thing we feared when you left Dayton after Katie died. You shut everyone out and moved away, and none of us could help you. You’re doing that again.”

  Carol shook her head. She’d taken Katie’s urn and left Dayton without a word because she couldn’t be in their house, surrounded by the things that constantly reminded her that Katie was gone. She couldn’t stay married to the man she blamed for taking her daughter. She’d had to leave because her rage toward John had terrified her.

  “This isn’t the same,” Carol said, forcing those decades-old hurt from her mind. “I know I’m not alone now. I know I have family and friends to help me.”

  “I’m glad you know that. I hope you’re using the support you have.”

  Sitting back in her chair, Carol eyed her aunt. “You know, I have an entire life of bad habits to break. Tobias spent most of our marriage trying to coax me into finding better ways to cope, but I wasn’t ready. Losing him made me retract in a way I hadn’t since Katie died. I would have been perfectly content to stay that way. I’m so used to slipping inside myself that I don’t even realize I’m fading sometimes.”

  “Well, we see it,” Ellen stated.

  “I am getting better at recognizing the cycle and pulling myself free before I sink too low. I understand that you all are worried,” Carol said, “but I am reaching out now, even when it’s uncomfortable. Have you forgotten my last visit? I was here for the sole purpose of connecting with Mom. I was here to fix our relationship and bring us closer. I’m here now because we are closer. I spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws. I’m not shutting people out.”

  Aunt Ellen put her hand on Carol’s. “We all love you so much. We want you to be happy, whatever that looks like now.”

  “I know.”

  “But do you know you can be happy again? All you have to do is give yourself permission, Carol. Just allow yourself to be happy.”

  Carol glanced to where her mom and her new friend were sitting. Much like Carol and Ellen, the game they’d sat down to play was forgotten as conversation became the main focus. The difference was that Judith was beaming. Her smile was bright, something Carol couldn’t ever recall seeing on her mother’s face.

  Carol wanted that too. She missed having that. She suspected that if she called Simon right now and told him she might want to try again, he’d agree. He hadn’t said as much, but the connection between them seemed to be as strong now as it had been all those years ago.

  All she had to do was open herself up to it. To him.

  That was definitely easier said than done.

  Dread settled in Carol’s gut the moment her plane touched down in Houston. That sensation grew with each mile her friend drove, taking her closer to home. Carol had spent the last two weeks in St. Louis with her in-laws. She hadn’t been home since Elijah had driven her and Mary back to St. Louis for Tobias’s funeral. She hadn’t been home alone since she’d lost him.

  Tears filled her eyes, but her dark sunglasses hid them long enough to blink them away before they could fall.

  “Doing okay?” Alyssa asked, as if she sensed Carol’s inner turmoil.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  She reached across the console and took Carol’s hand. “You can stay with me if you want.”

  “Thanks, but I’ll be okay. And thanks for picking me up from the airport.” She opened her mouth, about to ask if she’d already said that. She couldn’t remember. Everything was still a blur. The world around her was going at a faster speed than her mind could process.

  “I’m happy to help,” Alyssa said before Carol could clarify. “You know…”

  Though her mind was drifting in a fog, Carol sensed the inevitable onslaught of sympathy. Pity had a specific feel that Carol had come to know all too well. The heaviness, the tiptoeing into the conversation, the hesitancy to point out that Carol was a widow now.

  “Don’t,” she said before the words could come out of Alyssa’s mouth.
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  “Don’t what?”

  Heaving a sigh, Carol looked out at the scenery passing by. “Don’t try to fix this. You can’t.”

  “I wasn’t going to try fix anything. I was going to tell you I’m here for you, no matter what you need or when you need it. I’m a phone call away.”

  “I’m aware of that.”

  Alyssa let a halfhearted laugh leave her. “Sure you are. But will you call me? No,” she answered before Carol could. “You won’t. We both know it.”

  “I called when I needed a ride, didn’t I? I could have called any number of driving services, but I called you. My so-called best friend.”

  “So-called,” Alyssa muttered as she squeezed Carol’s hand. “I am your best friend, and as your best friend, I think I’m allowed to tell you that I’m worried about you. Come home with me.”

  Carol shook her head. “No.”

  “I don’t think you’re ready to be in that house, Carol.”

  The words stung. For some reason, that house sounded cold. Cruel. A bubble of anger rose in Carol’s chest, and she had to forcibly swallow to push the feeling down. The urge to lash out was illogical. Alyssa would never be cruel; she’d never be mean. Alyssa’s words hadn’t angered Carol, but rather, the reality—her friend had dared to vocalize Carol’s own fears.

  Carol wasn’t ready to be in that house. She wasn’t ready to go home, to face the world she’d built with a husband who was no longer there. Tobias was gone. All that remained was that house and a million memories that she’d cherish forever.

  “I can’t hide forever,” Carol managed to say, though her voice was strained.

  “No, but you don’t have to go home today either. You just got back to town. Let’s ease you into this.”

  Ease her into this? She almost laughed. She’d been slammed into “this” as hard as Tobias had been slammed by a truck. The only difference was that her injuries weren’t going to kill her. No. She’d live with this pain for the rest of her life. “I’ve been gone for two weeks,” she said flatly. “It’s time for me to go home.”

  Alyssa took the next exit, the one that would lead to Carol’s neighborhood. The one that would take her to an empty house where she wouldn’t be able to escape the quiet emptiness. Where she would have to pack up the clothes he’d never wear again. The books he’d never read again. Take care of the flowers he’d never again coax into blooming.

  Sinking her teeth into her lip, Carol bit until she tasted blood. The metallic taste on her tongue and the pain on her flesh was enough to stop the sob from rising in her chest and escaping. Swallowing hard, she took a slow, deep breath. She had to hold herself together for a little bit longer.

  Within minutes, Alyssa turned into the driveway of the two-story home Carol and Tobias had bought fifteen years prior.

  The trepidation in Carol’s heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, but she ignored the sensation as she put herself into autopilot. “Thanks for the ride,” she said, reaching for the door handle.

  “I can come in—”

  “No.” She climbed out and opened the back door to get her suitcase. She offered Alyssa a weak smile. “I love you, and I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I have to handle this one alone.”

  “I don’t think you should, Carol,” Alyssa said quietly.

  “I’ll check in with you later.”

  Something like fear touched Alyssa’s eyes. “You know that I love you, right?”

  A slight laugh left Carol. “I’m not going to do anything stupid, Lys. I need some time to melt down on my own, okay? I haven’t had a minute alone. I need that.”

  “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “Well,” Carol said, “I’m not giving you a choice. Thanks for the ride.”

  She pulled her suitcase from the back seat and shut the door. After she punched the security code into a panel, the garage door slid up. Carol was instantly met with Tobias’s car parked next to hers. She disregarded the pang because she refused to give her friend any more cause to be concerned. Once inside the garage, she pushed a button to close the door and headed for the kitchen entrance.

  As soon as the automatic door closed, blocking Alyssa’s view of her, Carol choked out a sob and stopped her forward movement. Putting her hand on the hood of Tobias’s car, she took several gasping breaths as her strength waned.

  She was home for the first time since leaving for his funeral.

  She was empty for the first time since he’d smiled at her so many years ago.

  Come on in, the house seemed to say. Take a nice long look at the life you’ll never get back.

  At the door between the garage and the kitchen, Carol hesitated. She stood there for what seemed like hours before finally pushing the door open and taking one step into the kitchen. From the doorway, she scanned from the kitchen to the open living area, through the sliding glass doors where his flowers were dancing in the breeze.

  Everything was the same, but everything was different.

  The quiet that met her when she came home was deafening now. The silence ran deeper. As she stood there, she recalled the first time she went home after Katie had died. The first time she’d walked into that house with the understanding that her daughter would never come home again.

  The space that she’d been so familiar with all those years ago was foreign in that moment, just like how the home she’d shared with Tobias for fifteen years was foreign now. A land where she didn’t belong. A place she’d never been to before, one where she didn’t want to stay.

  Dropping her suitcase at her feet, she again looked around the open layout, more slowly this time, really taking in her home, from the granite countertops to the stainless steel appliances. The white furniture and the metal and glass coffee table Tobias had shipped in from Italy.

  “Hey,” a soft voice called from behind her.

  Carol jolted and slowly turned to where Alyssa stood a few feet behind her.

  She lifted the bag she was holding. “I grabbed us something to eat.”

  The words slowly sank in, and Carol creased her brow. “When did you do that?”

  “After I dropped you off,” Alyssa said. “Have you… Have you been standing here all this time?”

  All this time? Carol had no idea how much time Alyssa meant, but the deli where she’d picked up their dinner rarely took fewer than twenty minutes to fill an order. Had Carol been standing in the doorway of her kitchen for twenty minutes? She couldn’t really say.

  Alyssa pushed her way into the house, forcing Carol to take a few steps deeper into the kitchen. As Carol watched, feeling once again that she was outside her body, Alyssa pulled two plates from the cabinet and got silverware. Then she filled two wineglasses with a pinot grigio as she mumbled about not knowing what wine went with white bean and tuna salad but she guessed that didn’t really matter.

  “Come on,” Alyssa said after setting two plates on the counter. “Sit.”

  Carol looked at the place settings in front of the stools she and Tobias used when they didn’t want to bother sitting at the table. A tear welled in her eye and dripped down her cheek. “I hate him,” she whispered.

  Alyssa stopped moving, as if finally realizing she was about to get the emotional outburst she’d been asking for since picking Carol up.

  “That son of a bitch. What was he doing?” Carol furrowed her brow as she watched her friend. “What the hell was he doing running with the traffic? In the fog? He knew better. He knew better!” Carol ground her teeth, trying to stifle the anger at Tobias that was suddenly boiling. “You run against the traffic. You run so you can see what is coming at you. What the fuck was he doing?”

  Furious, Carol reached for one of the plates Alyssa had set out.

  “No,” Alyssa stated. “That’s our lunch, and I am starving.” She held out the bottle of wine. “Throw this. It’s not that great.”

  Carol stared at the bottle before sighing. “What’s wrong with it?”

  Alyssa smacked
her lips and scrunched up her face. “It’s got this really weird aftertaste. I don’t know what is.”

  “That was expensive.”

  “Well, it’s terrible.” She pushed the bottle toward Carol. “Throw it.”

  Another tear slid unacknowledged down Carol’s cheek. “No. It’ll leave a mess. I don’t want to clean up.” Dropping onto a stool, Carol sniffed.

  “Potholes,” Alyssa said. When Carol lifted her face to her, she offered a soft smile. “That stretch of road where he was hasn’t been fixed yet. He was running with traffic to avoid the potholes.”

  Carol recalled how the street had been due for repair since winter. “Oh. Right. Potholes.” Leaning her elbows on the table, Carol rested her forehead against her palms. “He was trying to avoid breaking an ankle. Instead, he got a broken back and a fractured skull. Oh my God.” Despite her tears and her anger, a laugh built in her chest until she let the sound loose. “Oh my God. He’s dead because he didn’t want to trip.”

  Leaning back, Carol looked at her friend. Alyssa didn’t seem to see the humor in that. She wasn’t laughing. Carol swallowed down was left of her chuckles and blew out a breath.

  “You need this,” Alyssa said, holding out the wine she’d been drinking. “Even if it does taste like rotten feet.”

  Carol didn’t argue. She couldn’t. She accepted the glass and drank down what was left in one gulp.

  Carol opened her eyes, and anxiety immediately filled her. Christmas morning. Oh, how she hated Christmas morning. She tried to stop the memories, but they steamrolled her. In her mind, she heard footsteps tiptoeing into her room. She felt a few gentle tugs right before Katie whispered, “Mama. Mama, wake up. Santa came.”

  Carol kicked the blankets off and rolled to sit before the pain could take hold. Not this year. She wasn’t going to dwell on the hurt this year. Her mom had said several times how much she was looking forward to this Christmas. Carol wasn’t going to let the sadness ruin this day for them. She pushed thoughts of Katie and Tobias from her mind, as far as she could.

  Picking up the framed photo her mom had given her a few days prior, Carol stared at Katie’s smiling face. “Merry Christmas, baby,” she whispered.