A Life Without Regrets

by Marci Bolden

  Fourteen

  Carol watched Alyssa lean out her car window and swipe a fob in front of a sensor. Her nerves formed a knot in her stomach as the gate slid open. She’d been here a million times, watched this gate open a million times. The last time she felt this much trepidation was the first time she’d returned to this neighborhood after Tobias’s funeral.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this,” Carol said.

  “So you’ve noted.” Alyssa eased her car forward. “Repeatedly.”

  “You shouldn’t have that fob.”

  “You gave it to me.”

  Carol’s eyes widened. “To watch over my house while I was on vacation. Not to…stalk the new owners.”

  Alyssa snorted. “I haven’t stalked anyone. Lately.”

  Carol shook her head. “Don’t expand on that. I don’t want to know.” Her dread grew as Alyssa crossed into the neighborhood where Carol and Tobias had lived for fifteen years. “Why are we doing this?”

  “Because you said last night you wanted to see your house again.”

  “I was being pathetic after two glasses of wine.”

  “Never be pathetic with me, Carol. You should know that.”

  Carol did know. Maybe that’s why she’d said it. Alyssa had a way of making things happen. Even when she shouldn’t.

  Alyssa rolled to a stop sign. Once she turned right, Carol’s old house would come into view. She sat at the sign longer than necessary, and Carol understood that the lingering moment was her friend giving her a chance to back out. If she said to turn left, they’d make a loop and head out of the neighborhood.

  Carol didn’t say anything, so Alyssa turned to the right, and there it was. The home Carol and Tobias had fallen in love with so long ago. The home where they’d tried to have a family, where they’d cried and fought and planned for a future that wasn’t meant to be. The brick facade was so familiar yet so strange.

  As the car neared the house, Alyssa slowed and then stopped along the curb. Through the fence, Carol could see into the backyard. Tobias’s garden remained as vibrant as ever. The new owners hadn’t removed it. The relief she felt was unexpected. She hadn’t realized how much she’d feared the garden would be gone, but there it was, as lush and vibrant as when he could still tend to the plants every day. The bushes he’d painstakingly selected for the landscaping in the front remained, as trimmed and well cared for as they’d been when they’d owned the home.

  The house was the same. So much so, Carol almost felt as if she hadn’t left. Like she was still there. If she walked in through the garage door and into the kitchen, she wouldn’t be at all surprised if her decor was on the walls and her furniture sat in the places it had for so long.

  Instead of comforting, that feeling was jolting.

  She’d left this life months ago. The reason she’d left was because, as John had so bluntly stated, she was stuck in a rut. and she’d stay in that rut until she died or pushed herself out of it. Sitting here and feeling as if she could walk into that house and reclaim her old life, she finally understood what he’d meant. She finally got the point.

  This life was gone. She had to let the past go. She had to let Tobias and his garden and all the hopes she’d pinned on him go. Though she already knew this, she could no longer deny that the time to move on had come.

  A light breeze blew through the car window. Through the fence, Carol could see the Salvia dorisana dancing. A moment later, the fruity scent filled her.

  “Okay,” she whispered. “I’m listening this time.”

  “What?” Alyssa asked from the driver’s seat.

  Carol tore her gaze from her old life and focused on her friend. “I should be sobbing uncontrollably right now.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I’m staring at the past, at my life with Tobias. I should be a mess right now.”

  “Are you doing that stuffing everything into a bottle thing you do?”

  Carol shook her head. “No. I’m…okay, Lys.” She looked back at the house. “I’m sad, but…”

  “You’re okay,” Alyssa finished.

  “That’s weird, isn’t it?”

  “Accepting that life goes on and letting go of soul-crushing pain? No, that’s not weird, Carol. That’s a healthy part of the grieving process.”

  “I’m healing,” Carol whispered.

  “Yeah, babe. You are. You’re healing, and that’s okay. That’s actually really good.”

  Carol took one last look before blowing her breath out. “Yeah. It is. Let’s go.”

  Alyssa pulled away from the curb.

  “Simon has this entire life planned for us,” Carol said as they exited through the gate.

  “Does it sound awful?”

  “No. It sounds perfect.” She looked at the familiar bushes and trees that meticulously lined the street. She’d seen the landscaping as a sense of security, that their neighborhood was being taken care of. Now, the perfectly spaced foliage seemed fake, a facade meant to disguise that the real world existed, even inside the perfect neighborhood.

  This was a far cry from the woods that surrounded the home Simon had shown her. The wild freedom of trees growing where they pleased was much more appealing than she would have thought. “His kids are both in college,” Carol said. “They’ll be graduating soon. Simon thinks it’s only a matter of time before they’re getting married and having kids. He said he wants to share that with me. His kids and grandkids and family vacations. Sounds perfect, right?”

  “So why aren’t you jumping at it?”

  Carol tore her attention from the scenery to look at her friend. “I don’t know.”

  Alyssa kept her eyes on the road but tilted her head in the way she did before dropping some wisdom. “You deserve happiness.”

  Carol creased her brow. “What?”

  “You deserve to be happy,” Alyssa stated, enunciating each word.

  “What if it doesn’t work out?” Carol asked. “What if I pin all my hopes on this and he changes his mind, or he falls off a cliff while hiking, or…he slurps his cereal and I have to kill him?”

  Alyssa moaned. “Holy shit. This is what keeps you up at night?”

  “Those are all very real possibilities. I can’t live with a man who slurps.”

  “There are options. You could wear headphones. Don’t buy cereal. Train him how to not slurp.”

  Carol’s smile faded. “What if, six months from now, he realizes he made a mistake?”

  “What if, six months from now, he is madly in love with you and making you happier than you ever thought you’d be again?”

  “What if his kids hate me?”

  “What if they adore you?” Alyssa squeezed Carol’s hand. “He’s in Missouri right now?”

  Carol nodded. “For another week or so.”

  “How long is the drive? And don’t even try to tell me you haven’t already checked.”

  Embarrassed at being caught, warmth rose up her neck. “About eleven hours.”

  “When we get home, you put your shit in that RV and you go to him.”

  Carol jerked her head toward Alyssa. “Go? Just like that?”

  “Just like that,” Alyssa stated. “Come on, Carol. Take this chance. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.”

  The rose quartz flashed through Carol’s mind. She’d rubbed her thumb over the engraving so many times, she felt the bumps without even holding the stone.

  No Regrets.

  “I-I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Carol said. “I mean…I came here for you. I’m here to help you.”

  “So come back. You said he’s there for another week? Go visit him and then come back. I’ll still be here, and my life will still be a disaster.”

  Carol widened her eyes and opened her mouth, searching for a reason she shouldn’t go to Simon. A week. She could visit him for a week. She could walk his property and have those long talks that she loved so much.

  Alyssa stopped at a red light and turned her
face to Carol. “Can you at least admit that you’d like to go?”

  Carol nodded. “I want to go.”

  “So go.”

  She opened her mouth, waiting for a reason to come out, but her mind was blank. There was no reason she shouldn’t go to Simon, except that going to Simon meant she had to actually let go of the past.

  Carol jolted at the sound of the alarm from Tobias’s phone. The beeping never pulled him from sleep. He would stay blissfully unaware until she reached over and shook him. This morning was no different.

  “Hey,” she mumbled without opening her eyes. “Get up.”

  He slapped his hand onto the phone that rested on the nightstand and snorted. He hadn’t even completely woken up, which grated on her nerves. This was their morning routine. For the last twenty years, his alarm went off at five in the morning, but she was the one who woke up. Then she’d spend the next forty-five minutes waking up every time the snooze went off, trying to get Tobias out of bed.

  She wasn’t in the mood this morning, though. She’d been up until almost three working on a presentation she needed to give about a recent drug trial. Very rarely did she let these things shake her, but for some reason she was dreading standing in front of her peers this time. She didn’t feel prepared. She hadn’t been able to stay focused on the research. Now she was going to show up exhausted.

  The last thing she wanted was their daily alarm clock battle.

  “Tobias,” she snapped. “Turn that off and get up.”

  He shifted, slowly stirring from sleep, so she rolled onto her side and pulled the covers over her head. She managed to shut out the noise of him getting ready until he climbed onto the bed and leaned over her.

  “You coming?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Exhaling, she did her best not to bark at him again. He wasn’t the reason she hadn’t slept well. There was something off, something she couldn’t work through that had her feeling off-balance the last few days. This lecture she had to give shouldn’t have had her so out of sorts, but she just couldn’t grasp the reports. “I need more sleep before my presentation.”

  “Come on, babe,” Tobias coaxed, rubbing his hand over her back. “Running clears your head.”

  “Go,” she said, holding the blankets firmly in place when he tried to tug them free. “Get me up when you get back. With coffee,” she added.

  Tobias kissed her head through the blanket and then swatted her ass. “Lazy bum.”

  “Coffee,” she reiterated as the bed shifted. Moments later, she was alone, drifting back to sleep.

  She didn’t know how long she’d slept, but the sound of her phone ringing pulled her back to reality. Grabbing for her cell, she cleared her throat and squinted at the clock. Barely after six thirty. She glanced around the room, looking for signs that Tobias had returned from his run. He should have woken her by now.

  Though she cleared her throat as she connected the call, Carol sounded groggy. “Hello?”

  “Mrs. Denman?” a stranger asked.

  And just like that, Carol’s world spiraled out of control. Within minutes, she was out of bed, pulling on whatever clothes she’d snagged from the dresser and running for the door. The reason played on a loop in her mind.

  Tobias had been hurt. He was at the hospital. She needed to get there as soon as possible.

  As Carol rushed to get to his side, she became hyperaware—every light, every sound, every movement amplified. She was beyond alert. She was almost outside her body, experiencing every second in some omniscient view as she sped down the highway and rushed into the hospital.

  She jogged to the receptionist sitting behind a long, built-in wooden desk. “I got a call that my husband is here. Tobias Denman.”

  The woman pecked away on her computer and then turned to a nurse behind her, relaying who Carol was. The woman nodded and then disappeared. Once she was gone, the receptionist suggested Carol have a seat until someone could speak to her.

  Carol’s heart sank to the depths of her stomach. Her mind flashed back to standing in an emergency room in Dayton as she and John waited for news about Katie. The moment she’d seen the doctor’s face, she’d known. Before he even said a word, before he could escort them someplace private to share the news, Carol had known that Katie was gone.

  Nausea rolled through her. Putting her hand to her mouth, Carol controlled the urge to be sick as tears filled her eyes. “Is he…”

  “No,” the receptionist was quick to answer. “I don’t know his condition, but he’s alive.”

  That wasn’t much comfort, but Carol clung to the words as she nodded. “Okay.”

  “Please. Have a seat.”

  Carol glanced behind her at the row of chairs. Clutching her phone to her chest, she debated if she should call Mary. But what would she tell her? Carol didn’t know anything yet. Mary would want to know what happened, what his injuries were, if he was going to be okay. Carol couldn’t answer any of those. She didn’t know.

  Maybe he’d had a heart attack. Oh, God. He’d had a heart attack while running and she hadn’t been there. She’d been sleeping. Why hadn’t she gotten up?

  Because she had a presentation. That was why.

  Oh, shit. She had a presentation in just a few hours.

  Texting her administrative assistant, she let Tiana know Tobias had been in an accident and was at the hospital. She didn’t know more than that but didn’t think she’d be in today.

  Please reschedule the meeting to next week if possible, she typed.

  No matter what had happened to Tobias, Carol would surely be back in the office by next week.

  “Mrs. Denman?”

  She lifted her head, and her heart dropped again. The look in the doctor’s eyes… Oh, no. She knew that look.

  “I’m Dr. Ameer. I’ve been treating your husband.” The short, dark-haired woman peered around her. “Are you alone?”

  “Yes.”

  “Mrs. Denman…” Her mouth twitched as she debated what to say next. “I think you should call someone.”

  “Where’s my husband?” Carol’s voice came out so weak, she barely heard the words herself.

  The doctor didn’t answer. The pity on her face, the sorrow in her eyes…

  Oh, God. Oh, no.

  “Is he…alive?” she croaked out.

  “Yes.” Her voice wasn’t any more reassuring than her sympathetic eyes or subdued body language.

  “But?” Carol forced herself to ask.

  “I don’t want to scare you,” the doctor said gently.

  “But?” she pressed.

  She held Carol’s gaze. “Your husband was hit by a truck from behind.”

  Hit? By a truck? The words were foreign, and she had a hard time making sense of them. She was tempted to argue because that was absurd. Illogical.

  “The damage is extensive,” Dr. Ameer said, as if discussing the vehicle rather than Tobias.

  No. No. This didn’t make any sense.

  “There’s no way to prepare you for this,” the doctor continued. “His skull was fractured, and his upper back was broken.”

  Those words she heard. Those words she understood. But she couldn’t find the words to respond.

  “The next few hours will tell us much more.” The doctor’s voice faded after that.

  Carol couldn’t breathe. Her chest was too tight. Her throat was too dry. Her heart pounded too hard. She closed her eyes, and though she hadn’t prayed in as long as she could remember, she sent a silent plea for her husband to recover.

  Maybe the doctor was confused. Maybe she was talking to the wrong wife about the wrong husband. Tobias wasn’t lying in a bed. He wasn’t shattered and fractured. Carol wanted to verify Dr. Ameer had the right patient, but she couldn’t find her voice.

  “Mrs. Denman.” Dr. Ameer’s tone implied that she’d said her name more than once before Carol focused on her eyes again. “I want you to prepare yourself before you see him.”
>
  Carol swallowed. “I…um…I used to be a nurse, so…”

  “It’s different when the patient is someone you care about.”

  She bit her lip as, once again, she thought of Katie. In her mind, Carol clearly saw the sterile room where she’d last held her daughter. This wouldn’t be like that. This wouldn’t be like Katie. This couldn’t be like Katie.

  “I know,” Carol managed to whisper.

  “He’s bandaged and on a ventilator,” Dr. Ameer said. “There’s swelling and bruising on his face. He’s not going to look like himself. If you’d like us to call someone to be here with you—”

  She shook her head abruptly. “No. Please. Take me to him.”

  Dr. Ameer was clearly hesitant. “Okay,” she finally said. She turned, and Carol followed her down a hall. The chemical smell made her stomach churn. The sound of machines beeping rhythmically echoed through her head. Every step she took was a step toward a future she didn’t want.

  “He’s here.” Dr. Ameer gestured toward a closed door. “Come to the nurses’ station if you need anything.”

  Carol nodded and then pushed the door to his room open. The moment she stepped inside, she knew her prayer wouldn’t be answered. The moment she saw him, she knew.

  From the first time they’d met, his soul had reached out to hers. The brightness within him illuminated the darkness that surrounded her. That connection was gone now. The tie that had always bound them was broken.

  Tobias’s body was there, but his light was gone.

  The dread and anxiety Carol had been feeling all day magnified the moment the rural town where Simon lived came into view. She had opted not to let him know she was on her way to Missouri in case she made it all the way to his driveway and then chickened out. She didn’t even make it to his driveway. She made it to a little gas station, where she parked out of the way of other patrons. She sat, staring out at the street, wondering if she could live here.

  The community was clean, nestled in the Ozarks, away from the noise of the cities where she’d always lived. Life here would definitely be slower. That was oddly comforting. They could travel whenever they wanted. If she got the urge to immerse herself back in the hustle and bustle, they could take a trip somewhere. Simon had told her he wanted to travel after retiring.