Wedgie & Gizmo vs. the Toof

by Suzanne Selfors

  EMILY: I’m so excited about the pet parade tonight. I’ve decided to enter Pinkie in all of the contests.

  JASMINE: All of them? That doesn’t seem fair.

  EMILY: Why not? It’ll be more fun that way. Are you going to enter Gizmo in any of the contests?

  ELLIOT: Gizmo and I aren’t going. Pet contests are dumb.

  JASMINE: I don’t think they’re dumb.

  Funny Dog is looking through the fence. I see you, Funny Dog. I see your funny nose and your funny face. Hello. Do you wanna dig a hole? Do you wanna roll on something stinky? Funny Dog sticks her head through the fence. Funny Dog bites my cape. Funny Dog pulls on my cape. Hey! This is my cape. Mine! I growl.

  EMILY: Wedgie, don’t growl at Pinkie. You’re scaring her. You’re a bad dog.

  JASMINE: He’s not a bad dog. Pinkie’s the one who’s being bad.

  EMILY: Pinkie’s never bad. She’s a princess. I don’t think Wedge and Pinkie should play together anymore.

  JASMINE: Fine by me!

  What’s that? Did someone just say BAD DOG? I try to hide behind the mailbox, but Jasmine picks me up. Jasmine carries me up the walkway. Good-bye, Funny Dog! Good-bye, Emily! We’re going inside. Are we going to have a snack? That’s what we always do. After the bus comes we always have a snack. I lick Jasmine’s face. I LOVE snacks!

  Now we’re inside. Jasmine puts me down. Where are the snacks? I sniff and sniff and sniff.

  DAD: Hi, kids. How was your day?

  JASMINE: Emily is being really mean. And so is Elliot!

  Jasmine is using her angry voice. Why’s Jasmine angry? What did I do? I sit. I wonder. I watch Jasmine run down the hall. I whimper. Jasmine?

  ELLIOT: How come Jasmine is so grumpy?

  DAD: Jasmine used to be the oldest kid and now that you’re here, she’s the middle kid.

  ELLIOT: So?

  DAD: Winning one of those trophies is her way of trying to feel special. When you say it’s dumb, it hurts her feelings. It would be nice if you supported her.

  ELLIOT: Yeah, okay. I get it.

  Jasmine’s lying on her bed. I’m lying next to her. I LOVE Jasmine’s bed. It’s soft. I can go under the covers and over the covers. Under the pillows and over the pillows. Sometimes I find a sock. Socks are fun to chew. Shoes are also fun to chew. But today I’m not chewing on anything. I’m cuddling with Jasmine. She’s nice and warm.

  Jasmine rolls onto her side. I lick her face. Then I cuddle some more. Her hair smells like flowers. I LOVE Jasmine!

  Now Elliot’s in the room. Hi, Elliot!

  ELLIOT: I’m sorry I said the pet parade was dumb. I’ll go with you, if you want.

  JASMINE: I’m not going! Wedgie won’t win Best Trick, and he won’t win Prettiest Pet.

  ELLIOT: But what about the other contest? Best Look-alike.

  JASMINE: Oh, I forgot about that. But it’s in two hours. We don’t have time to make costumes.

  ELLIOT: I have my Thor cape from Halloween. You can have it. And then you and Wedgie will match.

  JASMINE: Really? Oh thank you, Elliot!

  I AM IN THE MIDST OF A WONDERFUL DREAM. I am flying my Drone of Destiny, the wind at my back, fame and fortune ahead. As I pass over neighborhoods, cavies scurry out of their human houses. They raise their paws and catch my flyers. Then they wave and cheer me onward. As I pass over pet stores, more cavies appear, collecting my flyers and waving to me, their future king. It is glorious. The uprising has begun!

  But someone grabs me, and I am rudely awakened. What is happening? I did not make any appointments. I need to get my sleep. Set me down immediately!

  ELLIOT: Sorry, Gizmo, but we’re all going to the pet parade to support Jasmine. You have to come with us if you want to be in the parade.

  I stop struggling. A parade? I am going to be in a parade? Well, this is certainly a pleasant turn of events. The humans have finally come to understand my importance, and they are throwing a parade in my honor.

  I had planned on taking my first flight this very evening. My Polar Expedition Rucksack is packed and ready to go. But if there’s a parade in my honor, I suppose I could delay my departure. I wouldn’t want to disappoint my fans. I make little noises of contentment. A Drone of Destiny and a parade. Today is shaping up quite nicely.

  When I am King Gizmo, this parade will become an annual tradition. An official holiday. It will be televised so everyone can see me sitting on my throne, high on a float, waving to the crowd. My human servants will toss marshmallows and there will be music and fireworks. I will need a theme song.

  Take me to my parade! I command as I grab my crown. Let us not keep the masses waiting!

  Elliot sets me in a small portable chamber, then carries me to the automobile. The canine paces back and forth. He is jealous. The citizens of this town have chosen to honor me, and it is obviously driving him crazy.

  But what do I see? The girl is wearing a cape that matches Thorgi’s cape. She has joined his side! I should have expected this. But I am not worried. Thorgi thinks he can thwart me with two sidekicks. He is delusional. When we return home, I shall shrink them all in the Shrinking Machine. I will be victorious because my Evil Brain is the size of THREE peas!

  During the car ride, I prepare my speech. I will thank my littermates, who taught me the importance of hiding food and not sharing. I will also thank Swampy’s Pet Shop, for that is where I learned to read and write. I will thank Elliot for his loyalty and devotion. And I will thank Gweneviere for agreeing to become my future queen.

  Of course, I must also thank myself, for without me and all my hard work, I could never Take Over the World!

  Then I will tell the audience that if they eat a nutritious diet, treat themselves to a tasty marshmallow now and then, and take lots of naps, they, too, can become Evil Geniuses.

  But then I shall laugh and tell them I am kidding. No one can be like me!

  As I conclude my speech, I will instruct everyone that the autograph line will form to the right, and please no pushing or shoving. Then I will bow as applause fills the air.

  What a glorious moment that will be!

  The car stops. Elliot keeps me in my portable chamber so that I will not be crushed by the admiring crowd. I set my crown onto my head and fluff up my fur. I make certain that no green bits cling to my teeth. There will be many photographs, and I must look my best.

  We stand outside a building called Cloverland Elementary School. A banner hangs above the door.

  Why is my name not on the banner?

  Humans are so lazy.

  Elliot carries me into the building. It is noisy inside. There is squawking, barking, meowing, and chirping. The humans have brought their pets to meet me. I wave from my portable chamber.

  PRINCIPAL: Hello, Elliot. What a nice guinea pig.

  ELLIOT: His name is Gizmo.

  PRINCIPAL: You can put him on the table with the other small pets.

  Hold on a minute. Did that human just call me a pet? I am not a pet. I am an Evil Genius, and I am supposed to be placed on a podium or a stage of some sort. So I can give my speech before the parade commences. Where is my microphone? My spotlight?

  Elliot walks along a table. I peer through the bars of my portable chamber. We pass a cage containing a white rat. The rat eyes me suspiciously. I admire rats. They are intelligent, and they can carry plague, which is quite Evil indeed. This particular rat might like to become one of my minions. I will discuss the details with him later.

  We pass a cage containing a pair of gerbils. They are giggling and hiding in a toilet paper roll. Gerbils are brainless creatures. I have no use for them.

  But then we come to a section of the table where all the cages contain cavies. I grasp the bars of my chamber. I have not seen other cavies since leaving Swampy’s. What a beautiful sight! Short-haired cavies. Long-haired cavies. Fat cavies. Skinny cavies. Cavies with spots. Cavies without spots. Elliot sets me down, then walks away.

  Hello, I say. I am Gizmo the Evil G
enius, and I am your future king. They pay me no mind because they cannot hear me. A parrot is squawking, Pretty boy, pretty boy, and some dogs are barking.

  I squeak as loudly as I can. Join my Cavy Horde and help me take over the world! But the cavies do not reply. How can I get their attention?

  Human children stick their fingers into my portable chamber. How rude! I bite a finger. Where is Elliot? Where is my parade? I fold my arms and scowl.

  I will write a letter of complaint to the leader of Cloverland Elementary. It is very rude to make the guest of honor wait!

  The door to my container opens. I see a spotted human hand. It reaches in and pulls me free. I look into the watery eyes of the Elderly One.

  ABUELA: This came in the mail for you. They want me to return it, but it’s yours. This’ll teach them to think I’m crazy!

  OH BOY, I LOVE THIS PLACE. THERE ARE ANIMALS everywhere. I see cats. I see rabbits. I see dogs. There’s a big dog. There’s a dog with a smooshed face. There’s a dog with no fur. Hey, what happened to your fur? I’m getting lots of pets. And lots of scratches. I LOVE pets and scratches!

  There are so many smells in here. I smell popcorn. I smell cookies. I smell lots and lots of dogs.

  Jasmine holds tight to my leash. I wanna go smell the dogs. I tug and tug and tug. But she won’t follow me.

  PRINCIPAL: You brought Wedgie?

  JASMINE: He’ll be good this year. I promise.

  PRINCIPAL: I certainly hope so. He was such a bad dog last year. He almost ruined everything.

  JASMINE: He’s not a bad dog. You’ll see.

  PRINCIPAL: Just make sure you keep him on that leash. And keep him away from the cats. Oh, look at that adorable piglet over there. She looks just like a princess.

  Why are they sitting when there are so many things to smell? Dad tells me to sit. Mom tells me to stop barking. I smell Jackson’s ankles. They smell like home. I LOVE home. I rest my head on Jackson’s foot.

  PRINCIPAL: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cloverland Elementary’s pet parade. We have three contests tonight, but we won’t announce the winners until the very end. Our first contest is for Best Trick.

  Big Dog’s in the middle of the room. A boy’s with him. The boy holds up a hoop. Big Dog jumps through it. Everyone claps. Can I have some popcorn?

  Now Dog with Smooshed Face is in the middle of the room. A girl’s with him. Dog with Smooshed Face picks up a newspaper and carries it to the girl. Everyone claps. I need to piddle. Can we go outside and piddle?

  Hey, Funny Dog’s in the middle of the room. I jump to my paws. Hello, Funny Dog! Whatcha doing over there? Funny Dog shakes her head. Her funny hat slides across the floor. Then she runs. Emily chases her.

  EMILY: Pinkie, come back. Why won’t you sing and dance like we practiced?

  PRINCIPAL: Let’s give a big round of applause to Emily and Pinkie for trying. Our next contest is for Prettiest Pet.

  I really, really, really want some popcorn. It smells so salty. Can I have some popcorn? Why do I have to sit? Why do I have to stay? A long time passes. A really really really long time. I whimper. Why can’t I go play with the other dogs?

  EMILY: Pinkie, please come out from under the table. Don’t you want to be Prettiest Pet?

  PRINCIPAL: Well folks, let’s have a round of applause for all those super-pretty pets. Now it’s time for the look-alike contest.

  Jasmine tugs on my leash. I don’t have to sit! I don’t have to stay! We walk out to the middle of the room. There’s Funny Dog again. I want to smell her. But Jasmine pulls me away. Funny Dog and Emily are both wearing funny hats. Funny Dog shakes her head. Her funny hat falls off.

  EMILY: Pinkie, why won’t you wear your crown? We’re both supposed to be princesses.

  Funny Dog kicks her funny hat. Then she trots up to me. Hi, Funny Dog. Look at me and Emily. We both have capes. Hey! Why is Funny Dog pulling on my cape? She pulls so hard, it comes off. Now Funny Dog is running away with my cape. Are we playing chase? I LOVE playing chase! I’m gonna get you, Funny Dog!

  But what’s that sound? I’ve never heard that sound before. I look up.

  Hey! It’s the Furry Potato. What’s he doing way up there?

  THE ELDERLY ONE BROUGHT MY DRONE OF Destiny! This is a delightful turn of events. The Elderly One has become my servant. Not only do we watch television and eat cheese puffs together, but she clearly shares my vision and wants to help me with my Evil Plan of world domination.

  When I take over the world, I will give the Elderly One a special place in my kingdom. And I will allow her to eat as many marshmallows as she wants.

  I press the Start button. The motor makes a pleasant whirring sound. I am pleased to report that the harness fits me perfectly. It secures around my middle and beneath my rump, thus holding me quite comfortably as I dangle from the drone.

  Four blades twirl above my head. I grasp the control box in my paws. There are switches for Takeoff and Landing. There are buttons to move me Up, Down, Right, Left, Back, and Front. What’s this button for?

  Apparently that was the Spin button. I shall not press it again.

  The dizziness passes. I adjust my crown. I test the controls, moving up and down, left and right. The controls obey me. It is no surprise that I am an excellent pilot—more evidence that I was born for world domination!

  The Elderly One and the other humans have gathered in the center of the room. They are waiting for me to give my speech and to lead the parade. To pass the time, a dog is entertaining them with tricks. They shall have to wait a few minutes longer. There is something important that I must do.

  The rat eyes me, jealous that he does not own a flying machine. But that is because he is not an Evil Genius. He gnaws on his cage. I maneuver my Drone of Destiny forward. Whilst carefully balancing the control box in one paw, I open the rat’s cage with my other paw.

  King Gizmo has set you free! I tell him. Go forth and spread plague! He slinks out and disappears over the edge of the table.

  Next I open the gerbil cage. They scramble out, thanking me with flicks of their whiskers.

  Go forth and chew things! I command. They scurry beneath the tablecloth.

  Now to release the most important creatures—the cavies! I open cage after cage. Come out of your cages! I tell them. A pair of short-haired cavies step out. A Himalayan follows. Three more long-haired cavies inhale the air of freedom. A gray cavy, a black-and-white cavy, and an orange cavy join the others on the table.

  Your days as pets are over. You are now members of my Cavy Horde! I tell them. They look at me with awe and respect. I am giddy with glee. My Evil Plan is working. My Evil Horde is forming!

  To celebrate, I decide to set everyone free. I make my way down the length of the table, opening all the cages.

  PRINCIPAL: Watch out, the animals are loose!

  BOY: Spot, why are you swimming in the punch bowl?

  GIRL: How’d my snake get up on the basketball hoop?

  ANOTHER

  GIRL: Don’t step on my hedgehog!

  I press the Up button so that I can get a better view. Animals are running everywhere. Humans are chasing after them. Such glorious chaos!

  Muh-ha-ha!

  That is when barking erupts. Of course, Thorgi is the source of the noise. He and the Toof look up at me. How small they look from way up here, almost as if I’d already put them into the Shrinking Machine. They will try to stop me from giving my speech and leading my parade. They will try to stop me from taking over the world. But they will fail. I am invincible!

  I swoop across the gymnasium. Humans scream and duck as I fly over their heads. I hover in the center of the room. Everyone is looking up at me. Finally I have the crowd’s attention. This is my chance. I hold up my arms and begin my speech.

  Humans, listen up! My name is Gizmo the Evil Genius, and I am your worst nightmare! Soon, all the cavies of the world will be set free and the Cavy Uprising will begin. There is nothing you can do to stop us. You humans wil
l feel my wrath, but for now I hope you enjoy the parade, which is being held in my honor. All hail to me, your future king.

  Some of the humans are taking photos, which will be published in history books. I strike a regal pose. But as I do, my Drone of Destiny sputters. It rolls to one side, then to the other side. That dizzy feeling comes back. The machine rolls again. Then it spins. I grasp the control box. I press the buttons, but they do not obey. Spinning. Rolling. My little tummy is not made for such violent movement. I feel queasy. I feel faint. Just when I think I might lose my lunch, the blades stop twirling.

  Uh-oh.

  For a moment I hang in midair, motionless. My life flashes before my eyes. My carefree days as a pup. My evenings reading to Gweneviere in the pet shop as she waddled on her wheel. My glorious naps in my Eco Habitat. Will this be the end?

  An odd sensation takes hold of me, and I realize that I am . . .

  . . . falling!

  PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING. DOGS ARE BARKING. Birds are squawking. There’s too much noise in here! Why’s there so much noise?

  Oh, there’s a mouse. I wanna chase that mouse. And there’s a snake. I really wanna chase that snake. There are critters everywhere. I wanna chase them all. I don’t know what to do. What should I do? I’m so excited I start shaking. Hey, why is Furry Potato up in the sky? I wanna chase Furry Potato!

  ELLIOT: Don’t worry, Gizmo. I’ll catch you!

  EMILY: Oh no, Pinkie is heading for the door! If she gets outside she might get hurt!

  JASMINE: Wedgie, stop Pinkie!

  Hey, the door’s open. A bunch of critters are running toward it. And there goes Funny Dog. She still has my cape. Hey, Funny Dog, I bark. Don’t go outside. There’s a street out there! If Funny Dog goes outside, she’ll be called Bad Funny Dog. And if all those critters go outside, they’ll also be Bad. I gotta stop them. I gotta protect them.