Innocent Tears

by Iris Blobel

  But I do not regret it. I never for a single second regretted having Nadine.

  I know I’m asking for much, very much indeed, but Nadine is yours now. She knows about you and has heard a lot about our time together. I don’t think she understands the whys and hows of never having seen you before, but she’s only small. She’s scared of a life without her mumsy, and scared of going to live with you. But I told her that you’re ‘not scared of anything’, and you will look after her. Not as well as I did, but just as good as a dad can.

  The cancer has spread right through me and I was told there are only a few more weeks. I know you will do the right thing and love Nadine with both our love. And love her as much as I loved you – and still do.

  Nadine and I had a wonderful time together, and I don’t want her to be sad. She should miss me, but relish the times we had together. I’ll look over you two from above… and when you see a rainbow in the sky, you know I’m right there.

  S. xxx

  * * *

  Flynn looked out the window and held back a chuckle. A rainbow! Out of all things she chose to be a rainbow. Colourful and bright. No, it didn’t surprise him.

  With his throat tightening, he sat still and breathed slowly. The sky out there changed and he shook his head in disbelief. The sunset was close to the horizon, yet a little faint rainbow was eagerly trying to shine as hard as possible up in the sky! In one fluid motion he stood and walked over to the window. Leaning his forehead against the glass, his heart ached. Ached so deeply he winced. She’d asked too much. How could he possibly raise a child? Emma was right. He was cold. He had been ever since that day he’d said good-bye to Saz. That was the day he had known he would do everything to not be hurt like that again. He thumped his head against the window. He just couldn’t do it. And he had to let go of Emma as well. But was it too late?

  30

  Emma focused on Nadine on the playground. The sun made it hard to keep her eyes on the little girl because of the glare off the ground, but she had left her sunglasses in the car, not expecting to run into her little friend. Getting bored inside the same four walls, she had decided to go for an ice cream along the beach. On her side of town! No way had she thought of seeing Flynn and Nadine over here, out of all places. But the little girl had spotted Emma, and obviously there was no denying her, to spend a few minutes of watching her little friend. Now she was stuck with Naddie’s dad! Fate? She would call it bad karma. Or bad luck!

  “Tell me about Sarah,” she heard herself saying all of a sudden, without looking at Flynn.

  She thought there was a little jerk when he heard the name.

  “There’s nothing to tell.” He groaned.

  “You do know that you’re shutting yourself off from the world by ignoring that life’s going on.”

  He glared at her and then turned his head towards Nadine again.

  “Flynn?”

  “Hmm?”

  “What did she look like?”

  His ache was obvious. He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. Without looking at her, he replied, “Naddie is the spitting image of her mum. Except the eyes.” There was a tiny smile on his lips when he turned to look at her. “They’re the same as my mum. There was no denying she’s mine when I first met her.”

  “How did you meet her?”

  “Sarah?” He stifled a laugh. “At school. We had just moved into town and I was the new one in class. She made me welcome straight away and let me sit next to her.”

  His tension seemed to fade away, and Emma placed her hand on his arm. “Why did you never go back and find her?”

  With a simple shrug, he leaned his elbows onto his legs. “She told me there was somebody else. How was I supposed to know it was a kid?” Shaking his head he added, “My kid.”

  She gazed over and watched Nadine going down the slide, screaming in delight.

  “Why wouldn’t you fight for her?”

  Arching an eyebrow he looked at her “Sweetheart,” he said with a deep and low voice that made her shiver. “This is no romance novel we’re talking about. She said there was somebody else, and I respected that.”

  “Flynn? Do you honestly think, now that you know why she left and the reason she never told you about Naddie, that she’d be looking down at you happy with the way you’re living your life?”

  Startled by his sudden movement as he stood, she stared at him.

  “I’ve had enough of this boring conversation. I think it’s time to get Naddie home. We still have to get a few things organised before she leaves next week.”

  “Flynn, please, let me help you.”

  He turned and met her stare. “You’ve helped already. There’s nothing else that you can do.”

  She frowned and then turned away from him. Shading her eyes, she watched Nadine on the swing, when he slowly sat back next to her. “Sarah left a letter for me.”

  Eyes wide, she stared at him.

  “She’s asked me to look after Nadine. There are quite a few things that are explained in it.” He paused, and Emma patiently left him to his thoughts, not rushing him to tell her more. “She told me she left me so I can follow my dreams here in Melbourne. As fate wants it, she now wants me to just throw all that away.”

  “Not throw away, but have both sides of the world.”

  “For goodness’ sake, Emma. I honestly don’t know how you cannot see that it just wouldn’t work. I’d have to move further out of the city for a decent house. School, before and after care, babysitters, and all that stuff would be her daily schedule.”

  With her hand over her eyes to avoid the glare she looked back at Nadine. It made some kind of odd sense, but there just had to be a way.

  “Nadine is better off with Mum and Dad. Full stop!”

  Something in Emma wrenched, and her heart ached for the girl. She stood and walked over to Naddie to join her for a small play.

  * * *

  * * *

  “He’s just a jerk, Auntie Mary. A stubborn, unreasonable jerk!”

  “But a sexy one, too, I assume.”

  Emma threw the peeled potatoes in the pot with water splashing everywhere. “There’s nothing sexy about this jerk. Trust me. Nothing!”

  Mary smiled.

  “Stop smiling. It’s not funny.”

  “You like him, don’t you?”

  “Nope. Not. A. Bit.”

  Her auntie’s smile grew wider. “Oh yes, love, you do. You have the same spark in your eyes when you talk about him as your mother had when she was angry with your father.”

  Emma placed the peeler next to the sink and sagged onto a kitchen chair. “I miss them so much, Auntie Mary. It doesn’t seem fair.”

  Mary wiped her hands on her apron and sat next to her niece. “Love, it’s not nice to lie to your favourite auntie. These beautiful blue eyes of yours express a lot. Tell a story. They tell me that the events of the previous weeks are the reason for the freckled face to be so pale and you need to get things sorted.”

  “You’re my only auntie, and I was not lying. I miss mum and dad so much, it sometimes drives me insane.”

  She gently placed her arms around her niece. “Life’s not meant to be easy, love, but that doesn’t mean we have to make it even harder for ourselves. And yes, I’m talking about the men in your life. I know you miss your parents, but I keep warning you to try and relish the memories, and not get a headache from being sad that they’re not here anymore.” She pulled Emma closer and kissed her on her forehead. “As for the girl’s dad — people make their own choices in life and we have to respect that. If Daddy is too scared to look after his little princess, you have to accept it and get on with your life. As hard as it is.”

  Trying to swallow the lump that lingered in her throat, Emma turned to Mary. “It’s just not fair to the girl.”

  “Emma, darling, Jack’s not for you and you know that–”

  “That’s not true!” she almost screamed. Her mind was racing.

  “Hush, now.
Yes, it’s true. You are just too afraid to accept it. How about you tell me about Jack?”

  Emma stared at Mary, baffled, took a deep breath and told her of recent events when she had been with Nadine, as well as the things Jacqui and Frank had told her.

  “Oh my. I think it’s time to move on, don’t you?”

  She agreed with a slow nod. Then her auntie stood up and made some tea, while Emma relaxed as she listened to the sound of the cups rattling, the water boiling, and the whistle of the kettle. Pouring some water into a cup, Mary said, “Have a sip of tea, and then close your eyes to tell me about Flynn.”

  Emma’s eyes went wide as they travelled from the cup to her auntie, and she stuttered, “What do you mean?”

  “Exactly what I said. So, come on now, close your eyes.” She paused. “Now focus on his face.”

  An easy smile played at the corners of Emma’s mouth. She would never forget a single detail of Flynn’s face. Feeling her auntie’s gaze like a soft whisper, she heard the words, “Now tell me what his eyes look like.”

  “They’re brown,” she replied matter-of-factly.

  “Darling, what do they look like?”

  Emma opened one eye in question.

  “Honestly, how hard are they to describe? Big eyes, small eyes, dark brown–”

  “Okay, okay. I get the gist.” She closed her eye. “Let me see. His eyes are brown. Hazel brown. And there’s always a calmness in them, yet mischief too, but distant. His gaze turns loving when Naddie’s around, and full of warmth around his parents. Unfortunately, I’ve seen some icy glares as well. Oh, and he’s got a little scar on his eyebrow.”

  “What about the rest of his face?”

  One eye opened again, and a stern look from Mary made her shut it immediately and concentrate.

  “Face? Well, it’s nicely tanned. Smooth olive skin. I like it when sometimes the shadow of his beard gives him a kind of manly aura. He’s got a squarish-kind-of jaw, and a nose in the middle of it.”

  Mary chuckled.

  “I love it when he smiles. It’s a contagious smile which softens his features. And his dimples. They show up when he smiles. There’s a lot of pride, as well as pain, stacked away in his face. But a very handsome face.” She paused and her thoughts filtered back to the days she had spent with him. “He’s got dark hair, not quite black. It’s cut short. Probably is as unruly as mine. When he feels out of his comfort zone, he rakes his fingers through his hair and it looks even more dishevelled than usual.” Her mouth curved into a smile.

  “What about his kisses?” Mary whispered.

  Emma’s face burned as she remembered, and then her eyes flew open. “How did you know?”

  “I didn’t.” Mary grinned. “But after the way you described him, I had a good guess.” She took Emma’s hand into hers. “Go and set things right.”

  Emma had allowed her subconscious thoughts to surface and was momentarily lost in her own daydream. She needed to say good-bye. She knew that now.

  31

  It had taken Emma a few days to think it over, but she had finally made her decision. As Mary had said, it was time to move on. Her heart ached, because deep down inside she still liked Jack and wished for a different solution.

  Emma stared at Jack. Her brain just couldn’t compute what she was hearing.

  “Please, you need to understand, Jack–“

  “This is nonsense,” he snarled as he banged his hand on the table in frustration. His voice was laden with anger.

  She stood. “Once Mary’s back after the weekend I can stay with her. I will pay the rent–“

  “Why?”

  Turning to look at him, she asked, “Why what?”

  He stood as well and stepped closer. “Why are you suddenly moving out?” The words spoken quietly, but firmly.

  Just as she tried to move away from him, he grabbed her arm. Eyes wide open she stared at him. “Jack, let go. You’re hurting me.”

  “Why?”

  Trying to move his hand from her arm, she stuttered, “Staying here wouldn’t be fair on you. I’m tired of the fights we have. I don’t believe we’re good for each other.” He gripped her arm even tighter and Emma squirmed. “You’re hurting me.”

  “It’s the girl’s dad, isn’t it?”

  Still with her hand on his struggling to move it, she suddenly froze and stared at him. A cold feeling crept up her spine, and the tears she tried to hold back, now ran freely down her cheeks. “This has nothing to do with Nadine or Flynn. Nothing at all,” she sobbed.

  He shook her. “It’s got everything to do with him.”

  She stared at him in disbelief, his dark eyes blazed with anger. Emma’s body trembled in fear. Her only thought was to get out of the house quickly.

  “Let me go,” she screamed, and with all her effort pulled herself away from him. She stumbled and fell against the doorjamb. The pain on her face was instant and momentarily took her breath away.

  Jack stepped closer and reached out for her. “I’m sorry.”

  Casting a disdainful look at him, she warned, “Don’t touch me.” It took all her strength, but she stood straight and met his gaze dead on. Her breathing was unsteady, but taking a deep breath she said, “I haven’t seen Nadine and her dad for days, because I don’t agree with Flynn’s decision.” She paused to control her emotions. “I merely needed a bit of space between you and me, because of your temper. The anger everyone had warned me of.”

  “What anger? Who warned you?” he asked, his voice seething.

  “Look, let’s—”

  “I said I’m sorry.”

  Emma shook her head. “Too late, Jack.” As she touched her sore face, she started to cry again. “Too late,” she repeated quietly and went upstairs to pack her bags.

  * * *

  * * *

  “I know you don’t need this but–”

  Flynn stared at Emma and a muscle quivered at his jaw. “What on earth happened?”

  Her gaze went past him. “Is Nadine in?” she asked quietly.

  “No, they’ve gone to Tassie for a few days to see Mum’s sister and visit Sarah’s grave.” He reached out for her, getting nothing but air. “What happened, Em?” Trying again, he touched her jaw, gently stroking a strand of hair behind her ear. Her little flinch didn’t go unnoticed, and Flynn raised a brow.

  With a sigh, Emma leaned against the doorframe. “I would have gone to my auntie’s, but she’s gone away for a few days. Talk about bad timing?” she said with a tight smile.

  With a gentle tug, he pulled her into the apartment and silently closed the door behind her. Nodding at the bruise on her cheek, he asked, “What happened?”

  Wrapping her arms around herself protectively, she turned away. “I’d rather not talk about it. I’m sorry to–” Em took a deep breath and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and Flynn assumed she was desperate to hold back the tears. “I’m sorry. I’m sure I’ll be able to stay at my friend’s tomorrow. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Jack–” Her voice broke.

  He rubbed his hands over his face, and then looked at her. Hesitating he studied her for a moment. “Em? You can stay as long as you need to, okay.”

  She shook her head as her curly hair brushed her cheek. “No, I couldn’t–”

  “Sweetheart, I don’t think he knows where I live, so you’re safe.” He pulled her in closer and hugged her. And as soon as he stroked her hair softly, she started to sob. So open with her feelings. So heartbreakingly honest and not holding back. His stomach was still clenched tight, but her body relaxed in his embrace.

  * * *

  * * *

  He leaned back slightly to look into her face. “You can camp in Nadine’s room. I had to buy an extra bed for all her dolls.”

  A soft laugh escaped her lips. “You didn’t!”

  A muscle twitched at the corner of his mouth. “Now, why is it that you don’t believe me?”

  Emma smiled at the offended expression on his face.
r />   “Okay, I admit, I bought an extra bed for the nights she doesn’t settle. She likes it when I’m close.”

  Somewhat surprised by his confession, she shook her head.

  Wiping a tear from her cheek with his thumb, he added. “Yeah, I know the hug issue.”

  She stepped back out of his embrace. “You seem to have learned a lot in the last few weeks.”

  “No need to get cheeky now.”

  With a smile she gazed up at him and then followed him to Nadine’s room. He had done a great job making this room as girlie as he possibly could in such a short time. She imagined that Jenny had played a big part in it as well. Whatever was able to be turned pink was, indeed, pink – the bed covers, the mosquito net, a pink rug with daisies on it, and a girlie bedside lamp. Emma loved it. It looked, well, perfect for a little girl.

  “I’ll leave a towel in the bathroom down the hall. Mum’s bought some of that smelly bath stuff if you’d like to take a bath to wind back.”

  She couldn't help but feel the corners of her mouth twitch upwards. “Thanks.” Noticing something missing, she asked, “Flynn? You wouldn’t have an alarm by any chance?”

  “Sure.” When he met her eyes and a moment of silence enveloped the room. “You’re not going to work with that sore cheek, are you?”

  She shrugged. Knowing he was right, she avoided his gaze. “I can’t afford not to.”

  The look on his face made it obvious he didn’t understand. “Care to tell me why?”

  No. No, she didn’t care to, so she shook her head. “People know, anyway.” Choking back a laugh, she added, “Everyone’s warned me, but I didn’t listen.”