Tiger Lily: Part Two

by Amélie S. Duncan

  As I flipped frantically through the photo album, I noticed the picture Declan had left with the flower delivery the day after he had attacked me. It was now ripped in half. Next to it was another photo—one of me in a bathing suit that was taken six weeks after my parents’ death. My eyes hovered over the swelling in my face and the bloating of my body. I had smiled for the first time in that picture. But when I saw it, I begged him to delete it from his camera. He had refused, “joking” that I was being a “fat, spoiled princess.”

  And now, this picture was sitting in front of me – with those same words scrawled across it.

  That was when I accepted the inevitable and screamed.

  “What are you doing?” Natasha asked. She had followed me into my room, and shook her head at the disarray. “Look at this place. You’ve lost your mind.”

  I closed my eyes tightly. “Declan was here. Somehow. He hit me and now he broke in and stole—”

  “Wait…‌he hit you?” Natasha interrupted. Then, as the realization overtook her, she continued, “You lied and told me you fell, but I’m no fool. I knew someone had hit you. I heard your friends talking about it when they came over a few weeks ago.” She pursed her lips. “I thought, ‘Fine. Okay, she doesn’t want to admit it,’ but I didn’t think you were stupid enough to not check your keys or do anything to protect yourself from him after.”

  My eyes opened and I winced under the hostile look she gave me. My stomach churned. She was right. I hadn’t thought it through.

  “How did he get in here?” she asked.

  I ran my hands down my arms repetitively as she paced, her disgust palpable.

  “He must have had my spare key. I don’t know, but I’ll find out. I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I did go to the police. It’s fine. I’ll call him. It’ll all be fine.”

  “It’s not fine,” Natasha said. “I was alone in the apartment. What if I walked in on him? What if I came back while he was in here and he wanted to keep me quiet?”

  My stomach clenched. I didn’t have any answers to give her. “I’ll get the building to change the locks. It’s fine. You’re not hurt. He only wanted to hurt me.”

  She twisted her mouth. “No. You put me in danger—”

  “I didn’t mean to,” I cut her off. “Look, Declan wouldn’t do anything to you. He was after me, not you. He’s upset because I got a restraining order and he was arrested.”

  Her eyes widened. “Arrested? This is serious. How could you be so selfish and stupid?” she spat. “I can’t live with someone this stupid.”

  “I’m not stupid. This isn’t about you. If he was after you, he would have….” I spluttered.

  She glared at me and I changed the course of my argument. “I will get the locks changed and that will settle everything.”

  Natasha gave me a look, as if I was a stranger. “I never thought you, of all people, would do this to me. But I’m not your bitch. I’m leaving.”

  “We have three more months here. You can do whatever you want after that. You can’t break the lease.”

  My eyes narrowed.

  She lifted her chin. “I will and I can. I’m telling the building manager what you did and they will get me out of the lease. I’m not staying where I’m not safe.”

  She turned and walked out of my room. I followed after her to her bedroom, where she closed the door in my face.

  I rapped on the door. “Come on, Natasha. Let’s talk this through. Don’t do this. You know I’d go through my savings trying to keep this place on my own.”

  Natasha spoke through the door. “There is nothing left to discuss. You won’t be able to change my mind. I’m not risking my life or my stuff for your psychotic ex. Now, I’m calling the manager. You just better hope they let you stay here after I tell them what happened.”

  My heart pounded in my chest as my mind raced along with all the things that were unfolding before me. I had fucked up. It was my responsibility. I had known all along we weren’t going to renew together, she wanted too badly to live in Manhattan. But now my own status in this place might be in question. When I heard Natasha connect her call, I turned and walked back into my bedroom and closed the door.

  Shrinking in on myself, I sat down on the floor. The lie that grew into more lies. When would I ever learn? A lie that almost cost my friendship with Mary, had shamed my parents’ memory, lost me my roommate and now may get me in financial trouble with my building. Would they evict me?

  All for Declan. Anger welled up inside me. I threw things around until I found my phone and called the demon that kept haunting me. Declan. He answered on the first ring.

  “So, I’m no longer blocked now, you stupid fat bitch?” he seethed.

  “I don’t want to talk to you, but you need to know. You broke in here. My roommate called the manager. So you may make your situation worse,” I hissed. “Now, give me the keys and return my book,”

  “I was arrested. Me? At my business!” Declan said, ignoring me. “You better hope I’m not arrested again. You better tell them you forgot you told me to pick something up for you or I’ll rip this book to shreds.”

  My body shook as I gripped the phone. He knew that book held a lot of meaning for me. It had been my father’s gift of pure love, and inspiration, and held some of my most precious memories. It had even connected Jonas and me on our first night together when he had awakened within me that feeling of being cherished and cared for. Yes, Declan indeed had in his possession something I would risk everything to have returned to me.

  “Did you like the photo?” Declan asked and laughed derisively. “I’ve got more, too…‌some you haven’t seen. Some with a little less than that suit.”

  “No you don’t. You’re lying,” I said with doubt in my voice.

  “Risk it and see. I’ll send them to your boss or post them online. Try me,” Declan said.

  My face crumbled. “No. Please don’t. I’m sorry. I’ll make this right,” I repeated over and over, a broken record.

  Truly, I had come apart. After a while, I finally quieted.

  “You done?” he chuckled.

  “Why do you hate me?” I asked, my voice so small.

  “Hate you? No. I don’t hate you. I love you. I still love you and still want to marry you. I did this to help you understand how much it hurt to find out you tried to destroy my life. But now, I forgive you,” Declan said.

  “Please, don’t do this,” I sobbed.

  “Shhh. It’s over now,” he cooed. “I wish I was there to hold you.”

  I wiped my cheek. “I don’t know what I can do. It’s out of my hands now. I made a mistake. I didn’t think…‌I didn’t want to ruin your life.”

  “You never think. You let everyone else think for you. I found it exhausting having to think for you all the time,” he said.

  I sniffed. “Will you return my book?”

  “I’ll hold it until you do the right thing,” Declan said. “My having it with me will remind you that if you betray me again, I’ll betray you, too.”

  In my heart, I knew this was all a game to him. And that I may never see that book again.

  Be like Dani, I thought. Be strong.

  I so wish I could be.

  My mind gave way to fear, conjuring up memories of him abusing me. His hands and his words. Memories I didn’t want to relive again. How could I stop this from happening? I would have to do what he wanted. I would give in again. I already made the decision, my mind crowed. Why was I fighting? I tried to soothe myself as I prepared for the inevitable. I was going to give in. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that fell from my lips in my own quest to hurt him.

  “You may not hate me.” My voice wavered. “But I…‌hate you. You won’t give me that book back anyway. Just stay the hell away—”

  “Stop the dramatics.” His voice was like ice. “I want those charges off my record. Now. I’ve got no more time to waste. I work.”

  He hung up, and I sat frozen on the floor, unable to move.r />
  The slam of the front door broke my trance, and I winced as the pain on my hand registered. The line was as empty as I felt. I had made a mess of everything. Natasha had left. What other choice did I have left? Declan wasn’t going to stop. What if he did something to Natasha? Or someone else to hurt me? I needed to make to make everything right. I need to get him out of my life. The only way that had worked in the past. The only way I knew how.

  I had to give him what he wanted.

  I dialed the building and got Carla, the building manager, on the phone to use the lie given to me.

  “I understand, Lily. However, if he broke in, as your roommate Natasha said, it is a police matter.”

  “He didn’t. I take full responsibility. It wasn’t Declan’s fault. I…‌I gave him the keys. Nothing was…‌stolen. It was a mistake. I am going down to the station to drop the restraining order. I really overreacted. I’m sorry.”

  “Well, you will need to fill out an incident report,” she said. “You will also have to cover the fees for lock changes. You’re roommate has requested to move out and we plan to grant that move to her. You will need to cover her security deposit, after she schedules her walk through and we check the apartment. Any new tenants would have to be approved and meet our requirements. If you move anyone in without our permission, you will not be allowed to renew your lease. Do you understand?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry,” I said hoarsely.

  Who would move in for three months? Then again, I wasn’t going to be able to afford to stay past that on my own.

  “We’re sorry, too, but we have to consider the safety of our building,” she said and ended the phone call.

  I slowly started cleaning my room. I went about the apartment, cleaning it for hours. By the time I was done cleaning, everything was sparkling. I went back to my bedroom and curled into a ball, finally falling asleep. When I woke, I heard my phone beeping with a text from Natasha.

  Ari offered me a place in Manhattan. Movers will come for my stuff.

  I won’t be back.

  Everything was ruined. Again, I thought morosely, as I went to my bedroom and changed into my sweats. I exercised hard, until my whole body hurt as much as I hurt on the inside. I then went across the hall and showered, scrubbing myself raw, but not clean. I was dirty. My lies made me dirty, filthy. My phone beeped and I took it out to check the messages.

  I found missed calls from Dani, Ian, the criminal lawyer, and Jonas. I licked my lips and erased all the messages that had been left without listening. Once they found out I planned to drop the charges, they would all be gone anyway. No amount of their inquiries or pressures would change my mind now, though.

  Declan had won. Again. I was going to do what he wanted from me.

  My heart constricted at the weight of all that my actions had cost me. I continued to underestimate him. I continued to lie and deceive. The more I thought about the people I loved, the book, photos, and memories, the more the pain inside me grew, spreading out and bringing me to my knees. I found it so overwhelming that all I could think about was needing it to go somewhere. I needed some way to channel it away before it crippled me. I had never been prepared or groomed for this in my small world in Quincy with my parents. They’d sheltered and protected me. They had wanted me to be perfect and I tried. I tried my best.

  I started running in place, pushing myself harder and faster. I moved on to lunges, then crunches. Over and over again until sweat covered my body and the pain in my limbs screamed. I’d fix this and my life. I’ll fix everything.

  I forced myself further still until I finally collapsed in exhaustion. But I wasn’t thinking anymore, was I? I was numb. I was free.

  CHAPTER 13

  I closed the door and bolted the new locks in place, marking the end of my first week alone in my now own personal, suddenly way out of my price range, loft apartment in Jersey City. At least, it was mine for the next few months.

  Natasha had indeed moved out of our apartment and into Manhattan. To where, I wasn’t sure. She hadn’t answered any text messages from me. Not since our fight in my bedroom, where the truth of my situation with Declan had come out and cost me. She didn’t feel safe here. In truth, neither did I.

  I had lied and covered up everything again, to protect myself and the things dear to me. Not just things, but also the people I love and care about. Declan used to be on that list, but now he sought at every turn to hurt me.

  My stomach cramped and I attempted to soothe it with my hand. Was it stress or was I hungry? When did I last eat?

  My mind flashed on the unflattering picture Declan had left of me—the one labeled, “fat spoiled princess.” I walked over to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water, draining it. I was full.

  My cellphone alerted me to a new text message, breaking through my negative thoughts as I reached inside my handbag. A trickle of fear went through me at the thought it might be Declan again, but instead I found a voicemail from Mary.

  “Are you avoiding me? I’ve called and left messages. Did something else happen? I’m sorry I wasn’t as available during your visit to Boston as I wanted to be, but I’m done with finals and can come up next weekend to do whatever you want. I miss you. Please call me.”

  I rubbed the center of my chest and sent a text reply.

  I’m busy with work and everything. Sorry I haven’t phoned back. I can’t do next weekend. I’ll be in touch soon.

  Kicking off my shoes, I stared at the kitchen island. I had forgotten to put away the two dry cleaning bags that were there. One contained the dress I stained from the gala, which I had paid for the cleaning on. The other one had a black Chanel suit I had seen Natasha wear to work on occasion. I spread my hand over her note, pinned to the front of one of the bags, and read the message for the fourth time this week.

  I can’t fit these. You can have them. Natasha

  I knew she could fit them, but it was as much of a peace offering as I would get. I couldn’t fault her. She had been right. I didn’t know what Declan would have done if he had found her here. And in good conscience, I couldn’t bring someone else here while he was still focused on punishing me. Not even Mary.

  I exhaled long and sent a text to Natasha. Our goodbye.

  I’m sorry for what happened. I hope you enjoy your new place and I wish you the best.

  I didn’t wait for a reply. Instead, I just deleted her from my contact list. After all, we weren’t friends. We were acquaintances, at best. I wasn’t going to hear from her again.

  My mood soured as I walked to my bedroom. The one place I used to look forward to returning to everyday had become the place I avoided. Nothing remained in here that I cared about, having carefully stored away all photos and videos that were left in my possession. The room was stripped down to the minimum. The taint of his theft was ever present, and I couldn’t stand to be in the room for longer than a few minutes.

  Prickly heat broke out on my skin as I removed my clothing in the dark and dumped the various articles in the laundry. I picked up my T-shirt and sweatpants, along with the folded blanket and pillows I had left there in the morning, and quickly exited the room. Returning to the living room, I put together my bed—simply a sheet, blanket and pillow on the couch for sleeping. My new routine.

  It was a routine I had created to get through my days. At dawn every day, I ran the same route Natasha used to take me on, along the boardwalk in Jersey City. During lunch, I ran for an hour at the corporate gym. And now, I planned to change into my T-shirt and sweats and workout until I exhausted my thoughts enough to fall asleep. My mind kept replaying the question of why I had gone to the police department and dropped the charges. Why I told the building I gave Declan the key. Why I wasn’t taking Dani, Ian, or Mary’s phone calls. Or the numerous ones left by the man I loved, Jonas Crane.

  My heart constricted and my eyes watered over my avoidance. I turned on the TV to drown out my thoughts. Part of me didn’t want to hear their disappointment, though it
was still evident in their voice messages. But in my heart I believed they had helped me enough, and I had to be strong and keep them safe until I found a way to rid Declan from my life completely.

  As I slipped my T-shirt over my head, my phone chimed. I finished putting on my shirt, and walked over to the phone and frowned. Ian. Again. I was being cruel, my mind crowed. So, I decided to answer, if only so that I could give him the closure to let me go.

  “Hello?”

  “There you are.” Ian’s tone held a bit of sarcasm. “I thought I’d have to talk to the voicemail again.”

  “I’ve been busy,” I said, as I balanced the phone on my shoulder and pulled on my sweatpants.

  “Yes. I know. Diane said you dropped your restraining order.”

  “I did,” I said, putting the sweatpants in place with one hand. “I didn’t want him arrested, and, well, I’m fine now. I doubt I’ll see him again. I’m considering moving back to Massachusetts.” I was considering it, as a backup if nothing turned around here. At least, that was what I told my conscience. “There are other publishing houses up there and I’d be close to my charity,” I offered in explanation.

  “You don’t have to lie to get rid of me,” Ian said bluntly.

  Bile rose in my throat, as his words stung me to the core. Lying was what I was known for now.

  “I understand why you’re avoiding me,” Ian continued. “I am upset by your choice, but I had hoped we would be friends.”

  I found a pair of socks and sat down on the couch to put them on. “Yes. Well, I’ve got a lot on my mind with work and everything.”

  “I see,” Ian said, disappointment coating his words. “Well, if you ever change your mind and want to watch a movie or have dinner or something, give me a call.”

  “I will. Thanks,” I said.

  I won’t, I thought as I put on my sneakers.

  He didn’t acknowledge my promise, as he already knew me to be the liar that I was. “If anything happens again, don’t hesitate to call me. You don’t have to date me or be my friend for me to help you.”