Giving It All

by Christi Barth

  Brooke’s heart fell to her feet. It was amazing Logan couldn’t hear it go splat. Life here in D.C.—a life filled with the friends he loved and the woman who loved him—evidently wouldn’t ever be enough. “Then what? Will you stay in Colombia for three months digging them out, and then spend another month hiking in the Andes to shake it all out of your system?”

  “Maybe.”

  She had to ask. She might hate herself in the morning for exposing this much vulnerability. But Brooke knew without a doubt that she’d hate herself for months to come if she let him get on that plane on Saturday without asking the question.

  “What will happen to us?”

  That caught his full attention. Finally. Logan clicked off the television. Tossed the remote over onto a leather wing chair. He paced down to the pool table. Rolled a ball beneath his palm on the deep red felt. Head down, in profile to her, Logan said, “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

  Suddenly, his utter honesty regarding their lack of a future didn’t go nearly as far as it had when they first started dating. In fact, it only angered her more.

  How could he feel so little for her that he couldn’t even spare a fleeting thought that he’d miss her when he left? Or heck, even something so insulting and basic as missing the regular sex? Or—equally insulting and basic but still better than zero thought at all—looked forward to maybe seeing her once his whole horrible life sentence here in D.C. began for good?

  No. Even if they had no future together, he didn’t get to devalue her memories of their past. They’d been having a wonderful time together since the island. And it wasn’t rose-colored, one-sided glasses that made her see it that way. It was fact.

  Brooke could read people pretty darn well. It was a survival tool for teaching at high school: being able to see past the mask of indifference, hormones, or both, to the true and truly interesting person beneath. Logan might not be ready or able to admit it yet, but she knew that he cared. He’d come out and said it in his confused and halting way several times. He cared, and he’d miss her.

  That last morning in Dominica, when Brooke basically rebooted her mind-set, she’d vowed no more hiding. Logan had been the one to give her the strength to do so. No more hiding from the world. No more hiding in her apartment from friends and fun. No more hiding from the fact that she dated men who cared more about their careers than about her. So there was no way she’d hide the fact that his leaving would suck for both of them.

  Brooke curled her hands over the edge of the pool table where the soft felt and polished wood met. “Well, guess what, Logan? You need to think about it. Right now. Because I matter. I deserve to know that I mattered to you, even for just a few weeks.”

  “Where is this coming from?”

  Mmm. An evasion, rather than an answer. “Your crappy attitude.” There. She did it. She’d hauled out a curse word and thrown it in his face. That ought to make clear just how bad things were—suddenly—between them. “You have so much, Logan. I spent the last few months in a fog, ignoring everything in my life, good and bad. Operating on autopilot. You know what? That’s no way to live. You showed me that I needed to embrace life. To choose to be happy. Otherwise, it’s a complete waste and a dishonor to those poor souls who aren’t on this earth anymore. Plenty, I might add, whom you’ve buried with your own two hands. You should know this better than anyone.”

  “I do know it.” He pushed the ball, and it cracked against the perfect triangle of the other fifteen at the opposite end of the table. It sent them into a spinning frenzy that mirrored her inner turmoil with uncanny accuracy. “Damn it, don’t you think I want to be happy? I know exactly what makes me happy. And I’m getting pulled away from it.”

  “Because there’s only one path to happiness? Because nothing else in the world will ever satisfy you other than being elbows deep in rocks and mud? It feels like you’re saying you care more for a cause than you do about people.”

  Logan spun to face her. Deep grooves bracketed his eyes and mouth. And those melted caramel eyes were as dark as dirt. “I have to.” He choked out the words. “It isn’t a choice, it’s a responsibility. If I can make a difference, I have to. If giving every bit of myself to a rescue operation can save someone, I have to. Anything else is selfish. Giving in to feeling good about anything else is selfish. Simple as that. Or it was.”

  Ah. So he was scared. That’s what this all boiled down to—the big, brave hero was scared of not living up to his potential. It made her want to cover him in kisses and murmur that everything would be all right. But coddling wasn’t called for now. Tough love was.

  “You’re looking at life through a single lens. As though there’s only one possible outcome, instead of an endless myriad of ever-shifting options. One of which is to put on your big boy boxers and be happy here. With your father and your blood brothers, your surprise half sister, and, yes, even me.”

  “You can’t tell a person how or what to feel.”

  The way things were spiraling out of control, Brooke saw no downside in throwing caution to the wind and opening up to what scared her. “Maybe you shouldn’t. To be polite. But I am. You know how you feel, Logan. About your father and the ACSs and me. You’re too scared to admit it. Too scared to admit that you care for us more than about being the hero. That you’re tired of missing your life here. And for once, somebody, some man in my life who claims to care about me, needs to put me first. God, I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but yes, I deserve to have someone choose me over saving the world.” It was selfish and horrible and one hundred and ten percent true. “Stay. Don’t go away on any more missions. Stay here. Stay with me.”

  “Don’t fucking put me on the spot like that. I’ve already got one major life decision weighing me down. I can barely suck in a breath for how it’s crushing me. It’s too damn much to even process. Everything else in my life is on autopilot. There’s no way I can begin to plan for the future. Not when all I can think about is how soon I can get on a plane and start making a difference for what might be the last time ever.”

  Why couldn’t she get through to him? “You have made a difference. And you’ll keep doing so. You changed my life. Not by using your muscles or your money, but just by being you.” This was the absolute last piece of ammunition Brooke had. It was also the biggest. “You’re an amazing man. Not the hero part of you, but the man who listens and laughs and cares. That’s how you make a difference. I could fall in love with you.” It was a lie. Brooke knew she’d fallen all the way down that rabbit hole. But something—pride, embarrassment, fear—kept her from admitting the full extent.

  His jaw clenched so tight that the muscle along the bone ticked discernibly. Logan stared at her for a long moment. “In that case, I should leave before you do. Less painful that way.” Then he took two long steps, picked up his duffel, and went up the basement stairs two at a time.

  Away from the future.

  Away from her.

  Chapter 23

  “Women suck.” Griffin clinked his beer bottle against Logan’s. They both had elbows braced on the wide rail of their roof deck.

  It felt good, right, to have a partner as he stared glumly through the treetops with church spires poking out in a rag-tag pattern. Locals joked there was an unwritten ordinance that every block in D.C. had to have either a church or a statue. Or, failing both, a spy.

  “You took the words right out of my mouth, G-man. But I’ll say them again, anyway, because if you liked it once, you’ll love it twice.” Logan lifted his bottle high in the air. “Women suck.”

  Knox joined them, but leaning backward on his elbows against the rail. “Women are glorious creatures. They smell good, they look great, and they taste like heaven. Just because you can’t seal the deal with yours doesn’t mean it’s okay to diss the entire gender, Griff.”

  “Oh, I’ve sealed the deal. Chloe’s all mine. All that’s left is the formality. The ribbon on top of the present.”

  “Then why are you
trashing women in chorus with the sullen and sour Logan?”

  “Because she’s driving me crazy. We’re in love. We both say it a dozen times a day. She’s happy, I tell you. Why won’t she propose?”

  “Clearly that missing ribbon belongs in your hair. Does the G in G-man stand for girly now?” Riley elbowed Griff in the ribs as he ambled over, crunching on a taquito.

  To cheer Logan up, Josh was going all out preparing a Mexican feast. If the round of apps with taquitos, empanadas, and tomatillo guac was anything to judge by, his roomie was turning this into an epic food night. Sometimes living with a chef really rocked. There were times, stuck out on a ravaged mountain gnawing on a dry corn tortilla that was a treat in those conditions, that Logan dreamed of Josh’s food. The man could cook anything. Especially if it had cheese in it.

  “Your turn is coming, Ry. Just you wait,” Griffin foretold in a voice of gloom and doom. “One of these days you’ll fall for some sexy sweetheart in a skirt, and your carefully ordered existence will turn into a game of fifty-two-card pickup.”

  “Fat chance. Precisely because I’m so careful with my life, nothing slips by me. Nothing messy entangles me. Nothing catches me unawares.”

  Knox grabbed the stub end of the taquito and crammed it into his mouth. “Really? Nothing? The right woman can steal your heart as quick as I stole your snack.”

  “Asswipe.”

  “Tight-ass.”

  God, Logan loved being back. “Hey, we could go round in circles on which one of you is the bigger ass all night. And we may, just for shits and giggles. But first, can I get a round of hell, yes about how right I was?”

  Knox quirked an eyebrow. “About what now?”

  “Which one of us died and made you right all of a sudden? You’re never right.” Riley crossed to the big circular table to grab a handful of chips. “For God’s sake, you actually put money on the Cubs to sweep the series three years ago.”

  “They won the division championship. It should’ve been enough to break the curse and let them go all the way,” he insisted stubbornly. Even though his bank account showed a definite dip from that October, which proved him wrong.

  “You’re a tireless worker. A strategic thinker. You can drive a soccer ball down the field better than any of us. But you’re rarely right about random shit.”

  “I am this time. I was right for walking out on Brooke. For leaving her.”

  The damned cicadas rasped at him from the underside of every leaf within sight. But his friends were nothing but silent.

  Fine. Logan had plenty of ammunition left to hammer his point home. “I can’t turn my whole life upside down just because she throws down an ultimatum.”

  “True,” Riley said.

  Knox moved to sit in one of the cushioned chairs at the table. “Ultimatums suck. They turn the power balance upside down. They’re a short-term solution that usually becomes a long-term problem.”

  See? That was classic Knox Davies. Having his back. And also showing off a few of the smarts that kept him playing the field so widely until just a few months ago. “Thank you.”

  “On the other hand,” Knox continued, “if you walked just because she was brave enough to ask you to stay and love her, that was kind of a dick move.”

  “I can’t believe you’re gonna straddle the fence like that.”

  “I’m not. I agree that she can’t force your hand. But…you like Brooke. We all like Brooke. You were tight with her in a weirdly platonic way back in high school. And now you’re tight with her in a very nonplatonic way. So if you like her, and if you walked just because she backed you into a corner, that’s cutting off your nose to spite your ugly mug.”

  They didn’t get it. His closest friends, his brothers in blood, and they didn’t get it. Well, Logan would fucking clue them in, words rushing out of him in a torrent. “I left because she wanted a future. With me. And she deserves so much more than that. Than being saddled with a boyfriend who’s going to spend the next year with as much field time as humanly possible. Being away from her for a year. And then when I come back, I’ll be a miserable son of a bitch, stuck in a job I hate. I won’t burden her with all that.”

  This time, the cicadas weren’t the only thing breaking the long-stretching silence. Footsteps coming up the stairs to the roof deck gave them all something to focus on, to turn and watch for instead of the shocked open maws they’d been pointing at Logan.

  “Oh, come on, new bro. You’re a catch.” Madison beelined right from the door to sit on Knox’s lap. She flicked her thick blond hair over her shoulder to get it out of Knox’s face. “Not like my suave stud over here, but any woman besides me would probably be lucky to have you.”

  “I, uh, appreciate the weird compliment.” It was nice that she’d accepted him so fully as her brother after so little time together. “You don’t really know me, though. Not yet.”

  “I know that these guys all miss you like they’re missing a leg when you’re gone. Knox only stops talking about you when I do this.” She planted a long, wet one on Knox that had Logan slapping his palm across his eyes.

  “Dude. Seriously. Did you not tell your girlfriend the rules about you not being allowed to mack all over my sister while I’m watching?”

  “Seeing as how my fiancée and your sister are one and the same, no, I didn’t bother to pass on your ridiculous rule. You’re going to have to get used to seeing us like this. Because we kiss a lot. All the time. Almost more time than we spend breathing.”

  “All right already. Geez.”

  Knox ran a hand up and down Madison’s thigh. Maybe it was habit, or maybe it was just to taunt the shit out of Logan. “It’s what people in love do, Logan. It’s what you and Brooke were doing just a few days ago.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  Madison cut him off with an upraised hand. “Hang on. Did you just all but admit that you’re in love with her?”

  “No.” He didn’t think so. He hadn’t meant to. How did women do that? See right into shadowy bits of his heart? “Damn it, how am I supposed to admit to you that I’m falling in love with Brooke when I haven’t even told her that yet?”

  Riley gaped at him. “Dude, you love her?”

  His friends were idiots. “I kind of…no, I’m pretty sure that…Yeah. Why else do you think I walked out on her?”

  Knox shook his head. “Nothing about that sentence makes sense.”

  Griff jumped into the fray, too. “If you love her, why the hell wouldn’t you stay with her?”

  It made sense. It made perfect sense. Why couldn’t they see it? Logan held up his right hand to tick points off on his fingers. “Brooke wants me to stay to see if—if—we could build a future together. Dad wants me to stay to take over the Foundation.” He ruffled Madison’s long blond hair as he walked past her, ’cause wasn’t that what big brothers were supposed to do? “Madison here wants me to stay so we can get to know each other.”

  “Yes, please,” she piped up.

  He paced a slow circle around the table, too worked up to sit down. “Everyone is pulling at me to stay. What you’re all missing is that you’re pulling at me to do the selfish thing.”

  Knox batted away that idea with an exaggerated swipe of his arm. It made Madison squeal and hug him even tighter around the neck. “Falling in love isn’t selfish. It’s what makes the world go ’round.”

  “I think that quote’s actually about money, not love,” Riley pointed out, a stickler, as always.

  “Well, I’ve got craploads of both, and I’m happy. Point made,” Knox said.

  Sure. Knox was happy. He got to keep the smoking hot blonde on his lap. Whereas Logan had to give his beautiful redhead up, in order to be the good guy. The guy doing the right thing. The honorable thing.

  “I’ve devoted my entire adulthood to putting my own life on hold to rescue other people. If I’d decided to stay back another day with the beautiful signorita, you guys would’ve turned into Popsicles in the Alps.”

&n
bsp; Griff crossed his arms over the front of his USCG tee. Gave him the look that undoubtedly made everyone in his squadron straighten up and fly right. Literally. “Is that what this is about? Rescuing us?”

  The words came out slowly. Haltingly. “A little. It’s what got me started.”

  Logan hated that Griff made him say this stuff out loud. It was so much easier to admit how he felt in the faceless Naked Men blog. Which reminded him they wanted to stick a camera in his face during the podcast, and that’d probably be ten times more painful than even this moment. Shit.

  He flopped onto an Adirondack chair in the corner with arms wide enough to balance a beer bottle. Too bad he’d drained his at some point in the midst of this emotional diarrhea. “It showed me my calling in life. It showed me that giving up isn’t an option. Giving it my all? It’s the only option.” Because he might as well get everything out at once, Logan shook his head and continued with the most painful truth of the night. “I don’t want anyone in the world to go through what I did when I thought you guys were—”

  “Corpsicles?” Knox interrupted.

  “Nice.” Ry high-fived across the table. Madison snorted.

  Huh. Guess his new sister had a sort of morbid sense of humor. Good to know. Maybe she’d come to the horror-movie festival with him. If he was here. Or when he came back. God, this was hard.

  “That pain was brutal and frightening. I don’t ever want to feel it again. So if I can prevent it from happening to even one person, then I’m doing my part.”

  Madison got up, waving her arms wildly, as though trying to stop a car crash. “Hang on. I’ve got it now. You don’t want to love Brooke. You don’t want to love her because you’re scared of the pain of losing her if you do fall for her.”

  “I’m not wild about how that makes me sound like a coward.”