Way To My Heart

by Barbara C. Doyle

  His eyes lingered toward my fridge, seeing the letter hanging from it. He walked over and plucked it off, holding it up to read.

  “You’re going to U-Albany for school?”

  “Isn’t it illegal to read people’s mail?”

  He rolled his eyes. “It’s opened and in plain sight. If you don’t want people reading it, you should probably hide it somewhere. Like your pantie drawer.”

  I scoffed. “Really?”

  He winked. “So, grad school, huh? What are you planning on studying?”

  “Education.” I stared at my pizza, not liking the focus on me.

  “You don’t seem thrilled about it,” he noted, hanging the letter back up.

  I shrugged. “I just have a lot of things to consider, that’s all.”

  “I think you’d make a great teacher, Paisley.”

  I shifted in my seat. “You don’t know really know me well enough to make that call.”

  He watched me for a second.

  I fidgeted with my hands. “What?”

  He swiped his thumb across his jaw. “We could fix that. The getting-to-know-you thing.” He stared inquisitively at my plate. “Was food all it was going to take to get you to have a conversation with me? Because this is the longest we’ve talked without spouting insults.”

  “Huh.” I picked at my pizza again. “I must be off my game.”

  He snorted.

  I watched him as he glanced at his pizza, not taking a bite or picking it up. It was getting a cold, which was a waste of warm gooey cheese. I hoped he wasn’t the type of person who preferred cold leftovers.

  The horrors.

  Our silence was cut by the buzzing from the downstairs door. I hopped up to let the delivery boy in, ignoring Caleb’s presence right behind me.

  “What are you doing?” he demanded.

  I eyed him skeptically. “Getting my Chinese?” I wasn’t sure why it came out like a question.

  “You didn’t even ask who it was!”

  “So?”

  He gaped at me. “So? It could be a serial killer. Or a rapist. Do you always just let people up without asking?”

  I crossed my arms on my chest. “You’re kidding, right? You came up without letting me know you were coming. Plus, I know Dave. I also know that he’s the only one I’m expecting.”

  “Dave,” he blanched. “Dave sounds like the kind of man who has a hairy beer gut and stands naked in front of windows for children to see.”

  A surprised laugh escaped my pressed lips. That was not an image I wanted to see, but it was permanently etched in my brain now.

  “You’re saying I can’t trust Dave?”

  A nod.

  “You don’t even know him, so you have no right to be judgmental.” Just then, a knock at my door had me turning my back to Caleb.

  But before I could open it, Caleb pushed my small frame behind his bulky one, and was opening the door himself. I glared holes into his shoulder muscles, hoping they left nasty scars.

  “Uh…is Paisley May here?” a nervous voice croaked.

  I bit down on my bottom lip to try suppressing my giggle. Dave Chen was a measly five-foot-one teenager who worked at his parent’s restaurant. His voice was more like mine than Cal’s, his body was stick-straight with little muscle definition, and he still had a baby face.

  Dave was no threat to the oversized ogre cock-blocking my love affair with Chinese food.

  Caleb cleared his throat. “Yeah, she’s right here.”

  I took that as my cue to step around him. Making sure I shoved my hip into his to get him completely out of my way, I smiled at Dave.

  “How’s your mom doing?” I asked, knowing she recently had knee surgery.

  His shoulders eased once he saw me. “I think she’s going stir crazy, but she’s good. Everything went well and she’s recovering as best as possible.”

  “I’m glad to hear.” I passed him the money and told him to keep the change. He gave me the bag that luminated the smell of greasy goodness, and we waved goodbye. He stole one last glance at Caleb, eyes trained on the chain that disappeared under Caleb’s shirt, before turning on his heel and high-tailing it out of my building.

  Closing the door, I smirked at Caleb.

  “You could have told me he was a teenager,” he grumbled, following me back into the kitchen.

  “What fun would that have been?”

  He sat back down on his stool. “Not that teenagers aren’t dangerous. Some of them can be.”

  I balled up a napkin from inside the bag and threw it at him. He caught it before it hit his face.

  “Dave isn’t dangerous.”

  He remained quiet.

  “Why are you even worried about this?”

  Emotion drained from his face, as if asking, do I really need to explain?

  I knew he was protective, but that didn’t mean he had to protect me. Iris, absolutely. They were family. But we were barely acquaintances. What was I to him?

  Caleb pushed himself up from the stool and stalked his way over to me. I held my breath when he crowded my personal space, the tips of his boots touching my slippers.

  “What do I have to do, Paisley?”

  I gulped. “W-what do you mean?”

  Slowly, his hand rose to cup my cheek, his thumb stroking my cheekbone. “What do I have to do to erase the people who hurt you so badly that you think you’re not worth caring about?”

  My eyes widened, brain mushy from the warmth of his hand soaking into my skin.

  “The reason they never worked out was because they weren’t supposed to,” he continued. “Whoever you dated couldn’t possibly give you what you needed. It wasn’t you—it was them.”

  I sucked in a breath.

  I hadn’t invested myself in any of the boys that came before him…before Nathan. I couldn’t make myself feel something more for them, but I tried. I’d kissed their lips trying to make a connection, never finding what I was so desperately searching for. They let me make my moves and expect pointless things because they had nothing to lose.

  Because those boys chose not to care about me.

  They decided I wasn’t worth it.

  But it wasn’t me…

  “It wasn’t me,” I whispered.

  He shook his head, tilting my chin up so our eyes met. “That’s right, babe. None of them were right for you, and that’s on them.”

  Babe.

  Why did the pet name make my heart sputter?

  I sucked in my bottom lip, just staring at this gorgeous, generous man in front of me. Part of me worried what he’d do next—kiss me, make a move? But then a soft smile formed on his full lips, and he stepped back. He’d made his point clear, and that was all he wanted to accomplish.

  A lump had formed in the back of my throat, the emotion settling as I made my admission.

  “I never dated.”

  “What?”

  I took a deep breath. “I never dated them. I’ve never actually been out on a date before. No dinners, no movies, no walks down Main Street.”

  He shifted. “But they hurt you…”

  His questioning eyes grew dark, probably thinking the worst-case scenario.

  “They didn’t hurt me physically,” I quickly explained. “They hurt me in different ways. It…it probably sounds stupid, but they must have realized I wasn’t good enough to take out on dates or hold hands with. All my life, I’ve read books where boys are these perfect heroes. But in reality?”

  I shook my head. “I’ve never seen it happen. Never witnessed it. Never felt what it feels like to be so consumed in a person that you go crazy. Sometimes unrequited infatuation is worse than falling in love with someone, because you’re stuck wondering if you’ll ever get to experience it at all.”

  I couldn’t admit that I was having doubts about Nate to Caleb. Caleb would probably relish in that fact.

  When his silence greeted me, my body grew warm with embarrassment. I’d never admitted that to anybody—never thou
ght to. What could possibly be wrong with somebody that nobody ever wanted to date them?

  “Can we just forget about this?” I asked quickly, going to step around him. Before I could make my escape, he hooked his arm around my waist and made me take a step backward. Caleb had touched me more than Nathan—made his interest known. So why couldn’t I let Nate go?

  “We can’t,” he informed me causally.

  I groaned.

  “Because I’m taking you out.”

  My eyes snapped to him. “What?”

  “You’re going on a date with me,” he repeated, eyes serious instead of playful.

  “Is that…a question?”

  He slowly shook his head. “It’s not, because if I asked, it would give you time to wonder if I it was being serious. For the record, I am. I want to take you out, get you dinner, hold your hand, and show you that those other boys—because that’s what they are, Paisley, boys—know nothing about how a real man can make you feel.”

  I was struck speechless.

  He slowly withdrew his hand. “I’m going to make sure you forget every single one of their names. It’ll just be you and me. Not Nate. Just us. Got it?”

  I think I nodded, but I was too shocked over how this whole conversation unraveled. Did I just agree to go out with Caleb?

  Again?

  My heart hurt remembering the first time he asked me out.

  “Caleb.” My voice cracked. “I can’t afford to get hurt again. When I agreed to go out with you before that was a big deal, and you just…” I shrugged.

  “I told you I had to go—”

  “I know.” Tears welled in my eyes. “And I believe you, I do. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. There’s not much left to give.”

  He gently took my chin between his finger and thumb and lifted my watery eyes to clear ocean orbs. His brows drew in and lips tipped down. “So, take.”

  I sniffed, not understanding.

  His eyes raked over my distraught face, thumb brushing over the single damp trail that cascaded down my cheek. “I’m giving you more than I’ve given to anyone else, Paisley May. I know that may not mean a lot to you right now, but it means a hell of a lot to me. So, take what you need from me. I’m letting you have it.”

  I closed my eyes. Rapidly, indecision clawed its way through my every pore. A mental slideshow of all the boy’s faces reminded me that I’d been in this position before. I’ve let my guard down, gotten hurt.

  “I…”

  “Say yes,” he whispered.

  “Caleb?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Please don’t hurt me.”

  How You Know It Won’t Work:

  You…don’t

  The maid’s closet was an inferno on Monday morning. So much so that not even Satan himself would want to work in there. Taking a few days off meant working overtime to catch up on the unwashed linen toppled over the laundry bags piled on the floor.

  Wiping my forehead with my arm, I got to work. My earbuds were in, my music cranked up, and motivation at a moderate level.

  An hour into my shift and I was already regretting the bootcut jeans I wore. Even with the flowy tank that I paired it with. The laundry rooms lacked air conditioning, and the owners hadn’t put in a fan to regulate the temperature. I was sweating in places unknown to man.

  I yelped when my earbuds were pulled out of my ears, causing my arms to flail in some half-assed attempt to karate chop my assailant.

  Iris smacked my hands before I could land a hit. “What the hell are you trying to do, the Kermit flail? If anybody should be bitch slapping people, it’s me!”

  I lowered my arms. “What?”

  Her glare pierced my soul. “You’re going out with my brother.”

  I winced. I hadn’t even thought about telling her, but I should have guessed he would. “I was going to bring it up, but we haven’t even made plans yet. When did he tell you?”

  He’d asked me out two days ago. I was surprised she hadn’t blown up my phone the minute he left my apartment.

  She threw her hands up. “He didn’t!” she blasted in offense. “I had to hear it from the damn teenager at China 19!”

  “Dave?”

  “Yes, Dave,” she scoffed. “I can’t believe you guys kept me in the dark. He never keeps things from me. What did you do to him?” she gasps. “You broke my baby brother!”

  “Uh…”

  “You know what? It doesn’t matter,” she decided, waving it off. “What matters is that you two are finally admitting you’re attracted to each other.”

  I rolled my eyes and grabbed a laundry bag, throwing it over my shoulder to carry downstairs. “Don’t make a big deal out of this, okay? I don’t even know if it’s happening.”

  “Oh, it is.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  The dumbfounded look she casted my way had me second guessing myself. “Have you checked your phone lately?”

  I set the bag back on the ground and slipped my phone out of my back pocket. Sure enough there was a little green dot indicating a new message.

  “I never got notified,” I murmured, opening the first text. It was from yesterday evening and I had no clue how I missed it.

  Unknown: Are you going to answer this time?

  Unknown: Don’t make me call Iris

  Unknown: I’m picking you up Wednesday. Be ready by 7

  After programming his name and number into my contacts, I peered back up at Iris. “Did he really contact you?”

  She nodded. “He told me where he’s taking you, too. Wear something casual but sexy. Like those tight black skinny jeans with the zippers on the sides.”

  My nose scrunched. They were cute pants but ran a little too tight around the waist.

  “Oh! And you should borrow my faux leather brown boots.”

  Iris had a huge boot collection that ranged from combat to hooker heels. On a good day, I couldn’t walk normal in flats. Adding heels wasn’t the best idea.

  “Don’t look so terrified,” she mused, punching my arm. “They’re flat slouchy boots that would end just below your knees. I wouldn’t make you fall face first on your first date. They would add a touch of sexiness to your outfit, and still make you look conservative.”

  I wasn’t sure conservative equaled sexy, especially not how most people viewed it. Was that how she looked at me?

  “Where are we going?”

  She grinned. “Caleb made me promise not give you any details. But it’s the kind of fun you need, so enjoy it.”

  “Iris—”

  “And wear your hair down,” she directed, backing out of the room. “And put on a shirt that shows some cleavage. Oh! Oh! Maybe a pushup bra to give your boobies a little boost. You need to get some, girl.”

  When she disappeared around the corner, I leaned on the edge of the folding table and stared down at my phone.

  Caleb was taking me out.

  My eyes popped open.

  I couldn’t believe I was going on my first real date at the age of twenty-three. I wanted so badly to consider the bonfire my first, but deep in my heart I knew it wasn’t. Ever since Nathan called it casual we’d been taking two steps backwards in whatever tango we’d been dancing.

  Picking up my phone, I let my hands glide across the keyboard until I had a semi-decent reply. I didn’t want him to see my nerves, though I’m sure he expected them.

  I had never let anyone in before, but Caleb knew more about me than anybody from my past. Being open with him was easier than it was with the others. Did he know that? If he did, he’d probably bask in his glory. An ego stroke was the last thing he needed.

  Caleb’s involvement was already more prominent. He’d shown he cared, asked questions, and even bought Mashed Potato toys.

  The point was, he could end me in a single heartbeat, walking away and leaving me a shell of a person I was before him.

  I just hoped he was worth the risk.

  Wednesday started with a basket of assor
ted Hershey’s products showing up at my door. Under the Reese’s peanut butter cups and snack bites I found a note. Biting into the chocolate, I snorted when I read the three words scrawled in messy handwriting.

  From, Not Dave

  Shaking my head, I placed it back in the basket and dug through the candy some more. He even included chocolate peanut butter dipped pretzels, something only Iris knew was my addiction.

  Me: Looks like you’ve got competition

  Caleb: Oh, really?

  Me: Yeah, “Not Dave” has game.

  Caleb: Sounds like you’re infatuated

  Me: I’m going to marry him

  Caleb: I’ll remember that

  I smiled at our conversation, crossing my legs and getting comfortable on the floor. Underneath all the candy was a catnip infused pizza toy. As soon as I pulled it out, Mashed Potato came out of nowhere and batted the damn thing out of my hands. She was becoming as infatuated with Caleb as I was.

  Me: Thank you for the bribes

  Caleb: Anytime, babe

  The rest of the day flew by in a blur of errands, thrift shopping for new clothes, and getting my hair done. I was half tempted to get my nails done, but I didn’t want to seem like I was putting too much effort into tonight.

  Despite buying four new shirts today, I couldn’t decide what looked best with my black jeans. The pants and Iris’ shoes looked perfect together, but the tops didn’t seem to match the look I was going for.

  I examined myself in front of the mirror with my last option, a soft pink sweater that hung precariously off my right righter. My brown hair hung in waves just below my shoulder blades, and the only makeup I wore was a pink gloss splashed on my lips to compliment the color of my top.

  Flattening my hands against my thighs, I let out a tiny breath, and checked the time on my phone. I kept my bedroom door cracked and walked into the living room to wait for Caleb’s arrival.

  When the clock ticked seven, I was biting down on my thumbnail until it cracked and stared at the door willing for something to happen. Mashed Potato sat next to me, mimicking my stare down with the old block of oak.