Risk the Fall

by Steph Campbell

  Without a word, he lightly places a small box on my lap. It’s about the size of a book, wrapped neatly in crisp, navy paper and a dainty silver ribbon. I hope it’s a book. Something simple and impersonal. I can handle a book.

  “You really shouldn’t have done this. I don’t deserve it,” I say.

  “Yes, you do. Besides, I told you, I wanted to. I hope you like it.”

  I untie the thin ribbon and lay it neatly across my lap. I feel uneasy with him sitting right next to me, watching me. I move in slow motion, carefully opening each side of the paper and gently pealing it back. Inside is a dark blue, velvet box that I recognize immediately. It’s the same type of box that Maisy’s snow globe was put in after I bought it from the aquarium. My heart slams in my chest when I realize what must be inside. It’s definitely not a book. Tears already start to brim in my eyes before I can even get the box open.

  “Don’t cry, Syd.” He nudges my hands. “I can take them back, if you want.”

  Inside is the elegant strand of freshwater pearls. The strand that’s somehow almost identical to Mom’s. The one I’d destroyed in my argument with Trevor.

  “No. I just, I just don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.” I dab at the tears in my eyes with the corner of my sleeve before they can fall.

  “You’re welcome,” he says.

  “I really can’t believe you did this.” My voice cracks with emotion. I finally look up and meet his eyes. His expression is warm. His eyes are full of empathy and affection. My self-control is slipping. Teetering. Breaking. I can’t help it. I reach up and run my hand through his hair. His eyes close and he lets out a barely audible sigh. I jerk my hand back and close it in my lap. What am I doing? I glance at my watch nervously. I had told Dad that I was going to do some homework with a friend. I didn’t anticipate dinner.

  “I should go,” I say. I start for the bedroom door. I know I’m being rude. I don’t really want to leave. I wonder if Grant can sense that. Surely he’ll understand. He’s never had any trouble deciphering my moods.

  “Hey, Syd, I hope I didn’t upset you.”

  This is by far the most thoughtful, generous thing anyone has ever done for me. So, upset? No. Definitely not.

  “You didn’t, I just have to go.” I turn for the door and run down the stairs.

  I hope he doesn’t follow me. I don’t want him to walk me to my car. I don’t want to say good-bye to him. I don’t even want to look at him again. I know that if any of those things happen, I will kiss him for sure. Because I want to kiss him.

  I bolt out the front door and don’t look back. I’m pretty sure I left him at the top of the staircase questioning my sanity. Once I reach the end of Grant’s street, I roll the windows down and let the cool air fill my car.

  Dad is at the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes and looking more than stressed when I get home.

  I should have called to let him know I’d be later than I’d planned.

  “Hey, Dad.” I set my gym bag and backpack down on the bar. I try to gauge how much trouble I’m about to be in by the tight look on his face.

  “Hi, Syd. Sit down. We need to talk.” He points to the wooden chair across from him. My stomach does a flip-flop. I’m never in trouble, but I’m pretty sure that my night with Grant was worth any punishment I’m about to have thrown at me.

  “Listen, Dad, I’m really sorry for being late.” I leave it at that. I don’t have a good excuse, so I don’t bother trying to defend myself.

  “Late? What time is it?” He glances at the clock above the stove.

  Crap, why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?

  “Well, as long as you got your homework done, it’s okay. This time.”

  I let out a sigh of relief. But it’s short lived. Because if Dad wasn’t upset about me being late, what is going on?

  “Syd, I know you’ve got plans with Trevor and his family this weekend, but I really need your help. I’ve got to fly to Chicago in the morning to put out some fires. I won’t be back until Monday. I really hate to do this to you, darlin’, but I need you to stay with Maisy. I don’t want her to have to cancel her party.”

  Me. Solely in charge of my little sister with the super-sized attitude and eight of her friends. Ugh.

  “Sure, Dad. No problem.” The dutiful daughter saves the day again.

  After Dad and I sort out details, I rush upstairs. I’m thankful I don’t have a lot of homework, since I didn’t even start it. After washing my face and throwing on some pajamas, I flop down on my bed and start to empty my backpack. I guess reading a few chapters in my Econ book isn’t a bad idea. On top of my books is the soft blue box. I run my hand across the thick velvet and then crack it open. I trace the elegant line of pearls with my finger. Grant’s generosity is unbelievable. I totally didn’t deserve this.

  I’d rushed out of the house so fast after opening the gift, I hadn’t noticed a small note card tucked into a flap on the inside of the box. I pull out the thick cardstock and read the handwritten note.

  I laugh out loud when I read his words. Simple. To the point. Just as he always is.

  Yes, you do.

  -Grant

  I slip the note back into its sleeve. How is it that he knows me so well? He gets me like no one else. Something that Quinn had said about Trevor months ago pops back into my head. “I just don’t think he gets you the way that he should.”

  Maybe Quinn was more insightful than I’d given her credit for.

  I lay in bed, restless. The nerves twist knots in my stomach before I finally give up on sleeping anymore and get up for the day. I’m so apprehensive about telling Trevor that I can’t go to the lake. I know he’s going to be upset. And really, I’m concerned about how upset he might get.

  I could stay home. Dad’s already left for the airport. I could tell him I’m not feeling well. I could leave Trevor a message while he’s in class. But if I stay home, I won’t see Grant. And he’ll think I’m upset about his gift. And that’s just not acceptable.

  There’s a note from Dad on the counter for Maisy, explaining that, despite what she thinks, I’m in charge for the weekend. It’s written exactly how he would speak to her in person, and that makes me laugh.

  I try to take my time getting ready for school after gym. I flat iron my hair and carefully apply the little makeup that I do wear. Still, I manage to arrive at school earlier than usual.

  Since I’m early, there’s really no point in putting off the inevitable. So I trudge across the quad to find Trevor. Seeing him in the morning used to be the highlight of my day. But now, walking to class with him has turned into something I almost dread. I’m just argued out. I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore. But with Trevor’s temper lately, I don’t think I can avoid one today.

  He’s there. In his usual spot. Surrounded by his large group of friends. Watching him from far away, I’m taken aback by how handsome he is. I remember how it felt in the beginning of our relationship, being seen with him. The way it felt to be his. The way I used to love that he never wanted to share me. Because being Trevor’s girlfriend was always something that I took pride in. Was.

  I feel a crushing sadness now when I look at him. He’s still gorgeous. His smile is brilliant. He oozes charm. He’s still the guy that every girl wants. The guy that, somehow, I managed to snag. Still, despite my best efforts, I can’t seem to make him happy. Maybe that’s the point. I truly wasn’t ever good enough for him.

  I now know, looking at Trevor, that things with us are not what they used to be. We can’t go back. And maybe I don’t even want to anymore. Not aching for Trevor is a foreign feeling to me. I never imagined a time that I wouldn’t fight to hang on to what we had.

  He finally looks up and sees me watching him. He breaks away from his group of friends to catch up to me.

  “Morning, baby.” He wraps his familiar arms around my waist and kisses me lightly.

  “Morning,” I say. I will my voice to sound normal. Whatever normal is f
or Trevor and me anymore.

  “We’re taking off right after school, you all packed?” He asks with a level of excitement that makes me cringe.

  I stop in the hall and look around. Fortunately, no one is close by. I think carefully about my wording. I try to choose something that won’t upset him. I can’t come up with anything.

  “Listen—” I begin.

  “Sydney, please tell me you aren’t canceling. We’ve had these plans forever. I need to be able to spend some time with you.” His voice is pleading. At least he’s still smiling; that’s a good sign.

  “I know, and I want to go. It’s just that my dad is out of town. I need to stay with Maisy for the weekend,” I say. I rest my hand lightly on his firm chest.

  “So, you’re staying home to babysit? That’s ridiculous. Can’t she stay with a friend or something?”

  “It’s her birthday,” I say.

  “Dammit, Sydney! I can’t believe you’re doing this.” His smile is gone. His voice has turned cold. I understand that he’s upset, but the sulking is aggravating.

  “Trevor, be reasonable. I’m not breaking plans on purpose. You know I want to go.” I move my hand from his chest to his arm and rub it lightly.

  “Do you?” His voice is sharp and he shoves my hand away from him.

  “Of course I do. What’s that supposed to mean?” Tears are welling up in my eyes, but I fight them. I’m not going to cry at school like an idiot.

  “You’ve been pushing me away for months. And now, this? I just can’t help but think—”

  He pauses as if he’s debating whether or not to finish his thought.

  “What? You can’t help but think what?” I ask.

  “Is there someone else?”

  The air leaves me.

  “Are you kidding me? I’m not going to do this right now.” My voice cracks. Don’t you dare cry.

  “Fine. We’ll talk about it later.” His voice is low, but still sharp. I assume it’s because the bell is about to ring and the hall is much more crowded than it was just a couple of minutes ago.

  He leans in to kiss me goodbye, but I turn my head. I don’t want to kiss him. He grabs the top of my arm. Hard. The pressure of his fingers wrapped tightly around my slight arm is almost unbearable. I try to twist free, but just as in the past, it isn’t working.

  He leans in close to me with a fake smile plastered wide on his face. His grip doesn’t loosen. I can feel his breath hot on my face. His eyes swim with red, fiery anger.

  “Do. Not. Make. A. Fool. Out. Of. Me.” He hisses each word through the frightening, plastic smile.

  He drops my arm and it falls limply to my side.

  I stand there. Stunned. And watch him walk away.

  I try to stay composed. But I can feel the heat burning under my cheeks and the salty tears forming in my eyes. My throat tightens up as I fight them back. I quickly glance around to see if anyone saw our argument, but it looks like we’ve gone unnoticed. I coolly smooth my shirt and hair and walk into class.

  I sit down at the empty lab table and stare straight ahead. My mind is racing. It’s on a loop, replaying the argument. This one. The others. Too many to keep track of now. I try to block out the image of Trevor in my face, so incensed. Instead, I concentrate on slowing my breathing like I do before a meet. Clear your head, Syd.

  I just about have it under control when Grant appears and, not surprisingly, it picks right back up. It’s not logical that, even in my stress, his presence thrills me the way it does. He smiles warmly as he sets his books down. I give a weak smile back and his fades. His eyes narrow, questioning me silently.

  He sits and positions his chair close to mine.

  “What’s the matter?” he whispers. His head is tilted right next to mine.

  “Just tired, I guess.” I try to sound nonchalant, but doubt that my mediocre acting skills will be enough to fool him.

  I cross my arms on the table top and rest my head in them, wishing I could disappear. My hair falls around my face, blocking me from Grant’s gaze. I know it’s a wasted effort. I could put a cement wall between us and he’d still see right through me. He reaches over and lightly brushes the hair away from my eyes. The path that his finger has left on my forehead triggers a chill. His gaze is locked on mine, his eyes, full of worry. I know him. I know he isn’t going to give up. I have to give him something, but if I really start talking, I’ll break down.

  I’m teetering. Scared. Alone.

  “It’s just been a bad day already. I don’t really want to talk about it,” I say.

  “Understood,” he nods. Relief fills me as he turns to face forward. He’s respectful enough to leave it alone.

  Since the school year is wrapping up, there isn’t any new material to cover in class. Mrs. Drez gives us the period to review for our final. I skim my notes for several minutes, until the painful silence between me and Grant is too much.

  “Thank you, again, for the necklace. I really didn’t deserve it,” I say. My words remind me of the card. A smile tugs at his mouth.

  “Yes, you do.”

  “So, your mom is coming home this weekend?

  “Yeah, she’ll be here tomorrow.”

  “Does she know?” I ask. “I mean, does she know that you and I are friends?”

  Grant nods.

  “Is she okay with that?”

  “Does it matter?” he asks. I wish it were that simple for me to disregard others’ opinions. He sighs. “She doesn’t care as long as I don’t interfere with her show. And if I do, well, I don’t care.”

  “Well, I’m sure it’ll be nice to have her home.”

  “Sure, I guess. What about you? You have your sister’s party tomorrow? What about tonight?”

  Not going to the lake with Trevor.

  “Nothing, just staying in. My dad had to leave town for work, so I’ll be home with Maisy.”

  The rest of the period passes quickly. Rather than rush out of class like I typically do, I gather my things slowly. I hang back, hoping Grant won’t leave and we can walk together. Even if that’s completely crazy.

  “Ready?” he asks.

  We walk slowly to class. I fight the urge to look over my shoulder. Even if Trevor is around the corner, this is school. He’s not going to cause a huge scene.

  “It’s too bad you have to stay home all weekend. You could have come over to meet my mom,” Grant says.

  “Ha!” I laugh. ”I’m sure you’re mom has had her fill of me on film, she wouldn’t be interested in spending time with me socially. Besides, she’s been gone for a long time, right? I don’t think I should intrude.”

  Grant stops for a moment. “You could never be an intrusion.”

  The halls are congested with students hurrying to their next class. We take a more leisurely pace. When the crowd becomes too thick for us to walk side by side, Grant pauses to let me walk in front of him, his hand never leaving its protective spot on my hip.

  “So, are you going to tell me what had you so upset this morning?” he asks.

  “I don’t think so. It’s not worth getting into.” I glance up to gauge his reaction.

  “Fair enough. As long as you’re all right.” He nudges me lightly with his broad shoulder. The goosebumps that I feel each time he barely touches me are becoming more familiar and expected.

  “You know what? I really am.”

  He doesn’t reply. I stop in the hall and look up at him. His smile has faded.

  “What’s the matter?” I ask.

  His only reply is to shake his head. The bell rings.

  “We’re late,” I say.

  Grant reaches for me at the same time someone unexpectedly tugs on my arm. I spin around to investigate the source.

  Trevor.

  “What the hell are you doing?” he yells at me. Trevor yanks me backward with a powerful jolt. With little effort on his part, I’m no longer standing next to Grant.

  “Let go of her,” Grant says. His words are controlled but firm
.

  “You, stay the fuck out of it,” Trevor shouts back. There’s zero restraint in his voice.

  “Let me go, Trevor,” I plead. I stare at him, trying to see past the anger that encompasses him now. Trying to see the person that I’d fallen in love with. The one person that I’d given myself to. If I could just recognize that person, maybe I could relate to him well enough to get him to stop acting like this. But it’s hard to concentrate on anything while his fingers crush into my skin.

  “I just want to talk to you,” he says. I can’t respond.

  “I don’t think so,” Grant says. He’s beside me again.

  Grant is several inches taller than Trevor and he’s glaring down at him with an intensity that I’ve never seen in him before. If Trevor doesn’t let go of me, Grant will make him. His eyes prove it.

  Trevor finally relents and drops my arm. I feel it tingle and throb as the blood starts flowing through my veins again.

  “Can we please go and talk. You and me?” Trevor asks. His voice is calmer now. Surely a side effect of Grant’s presence.

  “Yeah, there’s no way in hell that’s going to happen,” Grant says. Trevor shoots him another challenging look.

  This is not happening. This can’t be happening.

  “It’s okay,” I say. This has to stop. “I’ll be okay.”

  I look at Grant. He shakes his head back and forth repeatedly.

  “Really,” I press.

  “Syd, I can’t just—” Grant begins.

  “She said she’s fine,” Trevor interrupts. His hand reaches out for mine. I don’t want to take it. I don’t want to touch him.

  He doesn’t give me chills. I don’t feel protected by his touch, instead, I’ve come to fear it. But, stubbornly, I want to convince Grant that I’ll be all right. I want him to leave. I don’t want him to see this part of my life. The messy part. He’s already too involved in all of this drama as it is.