by Paula Kay
Of everything that Arianna had left Isabella—and she’d left her a lot—it was the journals that by far meant the most to her. She treasured them and would never tire of reading her mother’s words to her.
Isabella carefully opened the journal to read the inside label. Arianna had written the dates inside every cover of every journal. She felt her heart beating faster when she read what was written inside this one.
Final journal of Arianna Sinclair
When Isabella had read the last journal of the ones she already had, she’d thought that it ended rather abruptly. In it, Arianna had been writing to her at that point and Isabella assumed that she’d had to stop because of her illness—because of the fact that she’d grown too weak to find the words or the energy to write them down as she faced her final days. But this journal seemed to tell a different story, and Isabella felt the tears already stinging her eyes as she carried it across the room to settle in with it on the more comfortable sofa.
She leafed through the pages, delighted to find that every one had been written on. Some appeared to be Arianna’s own thoughts written for herself, many others were addressed to her—addressed to Arianna’s daughter.
She opened the journal to the first page, a page that had been written just for Isabella.
Dearest Daughter,
By now you’ve read so many words that I’ve written over the years, many of which I’m sure have bored you to tears. Others I hope have inspired you, but mostly I hope they’ve helped you to let go of any anger that you might have.
I know about hanging on to anger, Bella.
Isabella grinned at the name—what Arianna had decided to call her daughter, without ever having known the name that Isabella had been given by her adoptive parents. It was just another of the many signs that made Isabella feel that much more connected to Arianna.
She brought her attention back to the journal as she continued reading.
I’m sure that you are far better than I’ve been about letting go of your anger. I’m confident that you are not the type to hang on to something that will not serve you in any positive way. And I’ve let my anger go, but I wish that my own mother would have known my forgiveness before her accident. I am choosing to believe that you have forgiven me by now—not for me, but for you, dear one.
So I wanted to let you know how thankful I am for your forgiveness. I don’t take it or your understanding lightly. I only wish I could hold you in my arms as I weep with the full acceptance of it.
Isabella continued to read, thumbing through page after page that allowed her more glimpses into her birth mother’s final days. There were several letters written to Isabella, but there were also lists and pages that Arianna had written to seemingly gather her own thoughts as her body and mind grew more weary with her illness during those last days.
Isabella’s breath caught slightly as she turned a page and read the heading.
Things I Regret
It was an unusual thing for her to come across, because most of Arianna’s words were about not having regrets and the things that she’d made peace with during those last days of her life. But this seemed different. Isabella bit into her bottom lip as she scanned the list, imagining the emotion behind each item that a young girl faced with death might be feeling.
- I regret not having the chance to tell my parents that I loved them before their accident. Especially my mother, who most likely died without ever having known my forgiveness or how much I truly loved her despite our differences.
- I regret the way I handled things with Lucas. He deserved to know that he had a daughter and I should have fought harder to share the truth with him.
Isabella smiled as she read the mention of her birth father’s name. It’s okay, Arianna. Lucas forgives you and we are family now. There was so much that Arianna would never know. Isabella wiped away a tear as she continued reading.
- I will never regret the trip to Italy with Lia. Those were the best days of my life. But I do regret that I didn’t get to see the world. I regret that I didn’t get the chance to travel on my own—to discover those things about myself that can only be discovered from being out of my comfort zone. I regret that I didn’t take more chances and allow myself to feel the fear of the unknown just a little bit more often.
Isabella reread Arianna’s words two more times before she closed the journal, walked over to get her laptop, and smiled as she pulled up her favorite travel-booking site.
Chapter 8
Isabella hummed along to the song that played from her laptop as she folded the last of the clothes to go in her suitcase. It was late, but she wasn’t tired and she wanted to talk to Thomas when he got home.
He’d texted her earlier while she’d been out to dinner with her parents, apologizing that he wouldn’t be able to make it—that he’d see Isabella at the apartment later. She’d been disappointed but there’d been so much on her mind—so much to discuss with her parents—that she thought it was actually for the best.
She looked up as she heard the sound of the door opening.
“Hi, babe. Sorry it’s so late. The study group was good for me, though. I think I’m going to ace this test tomorrow.” Thomas put his backpack down and crossed the room to where Isabella stood, kissing her on the cheek.
Isabella saw his eyes take in her suitcase through the open door of the bedroom as she reached up to give him a hug. “That’s great about the study group.”
Thomas stepped around her and just into the bedroom. “Did you take an apartment, Iz?”
“Nope. I guess I have some news for you.” Isabella laughed lightly as Thomas turned around with a look of confusion on his face.
“You’re not leaving me, are you? Because I’m not going to let you go so easily, you know.” He laughed as he grabbed her up into his arms and sat down on the sofa with her on his lap.
Isabella snuggled against him, before she kissed him on the lips. “Is that so?”
He kissed her back and then looked her in the eyes intently. “It is. Yes. So, you gonna tell me what’s up?”
“Well, the bad news—for you—is that I am leaving you.” She laughed lightly. “But the good news is that I’m not leaving you leaving you.”
“Meaning, wherever it is you’re going, you’re still my girl?”
Thomas kissed the tip of her nose, and Isabella felt her heartbeat quicken as it still did sometimes during those moments when she realized that Thomas was her boyfriend now.
She pulled away slightly so that she could look at him. “I’m still your girl, yes. I’ll always be your girl, mister—well, as long as you’ll have me.”
“So forever then. It’s settled.”
There was that look in his eyes—the one that made Isabella forget everything else and the one that was nearly causing her to second-guess the decision she’d made just hours earlier.
Isabella’s thoughts swirled as Thomas kissed her deeply, and she realized that leaving him might be the worst mistake she’d ever make.
But in the next moment, she remembered Arianna’s words that she’d read, that had spoken so clearly to her, and she knew that she wouldn’t change her mind. She slid off Thomas’s lap and onto the sofa next to him, taking his hand in hers as she did so.
“I booked a flight to Thailand. I leave tomorrow—in the evening.” She felt her heart race just thinking about what she’d done so spontaneously.
Thomas squeezed her hand and grinned at her. “Really, Iz? That’s fantastic.”
“It is?” She laughed but the laugh was nervous now. Was she really going to get on a plane to Thailand tomorrow all by herself?
“Well, I think so. And you must think so too, at least a little bit. What made you change your mind? I’m excited for you. But Iz…”
“Yeah?”
“I hope you’re not leaving because of me—because of anything I’ve said or done to make you feel unwelcome here. That’s the last thing I’d want, honey.”
Isabella looked
at the concern on his face, thankful for the way that Thomas always thought about her feelings. “No. No, it has nothing to do with you or me being here, really. I got the package from Lia today.” She smiled. “It was a misplaced journal of Arianna’s—the last one she’d written, actually.”
“Ah. I see. What a wonderful surprise for you. Wanna tell me about it?” Thomas shifted his body on the sofa so that it was easier for them to talk.
“I’ll share it all with you at some point. For now, let’s just say that I read something there that made me feel connected to her once again in regards to the travel—something that made me think that staying here now is not the right thing for me at this time. You were right when you said that I shouldn’t cut my travels early to come back. As much as I hate the idea of leaving you—” Isabella’s voice broke and the tears started to fall.
“Shh.” Thomas leaned in to gently wipe away her tears with his fingertips and pull her toward him for a big hug. “You’re not leaving me. You’re going toward something wonderful. I’m not going anywhere—well, unless it’s to somewhere exotic to meet you for Christmas.” He sat back so that he could look at her. “How long are you planning to be gone, by the way?”
Isabella laughed through her tears, which had continued to fall. “I don’t know. Thomas? Would you really come visit—if I stay away that long?”
“Are you kidding? Of course I will. Well, assuming there’s nothing crazy happening around here with school, I mean.” He took her hand in his, gently rubbing it as he continued. “Iz, don’t think for one moment that watching you go will be an easy thing for me. I’m going to miss you like crazy. You do know that, don’t you?”
For the first time in a long time, Isabella felt such peace wash over her. She was so very thankful for this incredible man in her life. She nodded her head as he waited for her response. “Yes, I think I do know that now. Thank you for telling me, though. I love you so much. Oh, I know I’m going to miss you every second.”
“Well, that just means that our reunion is going to be quite sweet, I’d imagine.” Thomas wiggled his eyebrows, which made Isabella burst out laughing.
“I’d imagine that you might be right about that.”
Thomas’s face grew more serious. “I just want to say that I think it’s wonderful that you seem to have this incredible connection with your birth mother—about the travel, but everything really. When I think about all that’s happened since you found out about Arianna—well, it’s just been really good for you, Iz. I think it’s made you more confident—more of the person you’re meant to be—more Izzy goodness for me to love.”
Isabella laughed, loving the words that Thomas had chosen. “Thank you—for saying that. It means a lot to me.”
Thomas hugged her close. “Now, I think we better get some sleep. Well, I better get to bed if I have any hope of doing a decent job at my ten o’clock exam tomorrow. I’m thinking maybe after my test, I’ll skip the afternoon classes so that we can spend the day together before you leave. If that works for you?” He grinned.
“Really? That sounds perfect. I’ll finish my packing in the morning and I’ll be all yours from lunch on then.”
“It’s a date.” Thomas kissed her on the lips. “Good night, love.”
“Night, Thomas.” Isabella grinned, the happiness and love she was feeling overshadowing any doubts she had about leaving the next day—for the moment, anyway.
Chapter 9
Isabella lowered her seat back and looked out the window of the plane. It still hadn’t completely sunk in that she was on her way to Thailand—a place as foreign and exotic to her as any she could have picked. At Nina’s earlier suggestion, she’d decided to skip the craziness of big-city Bangkok, opting instead to fly straight into the smaller city of Chiang Mai in the north. Nina had said that it was a place that she herself could settle down in for months, and she just knew that it was the best starting point for Isabella in terms of her Southeast Asia travels.
Isabella couldn’t wait to talk to Nina. She hadn’t told her yet about her travels. Everything had happened so quickly that she’d decided to surprise her friend with a video chat after she was settled in her new home for the next few weeks.
Isabella was proud of herself in regards to the little bit of planning that she’d done. She’d found what looked like a great apartment in the neighborhood where Nina had lived. Because she’d decided to travel so last-minute, there’d been no time to get a visa, so she’d have the thirty days upon arrival. After that, she’d see how she felt about everything. And if it didn’t feel right, she could always go back to New York—back to Thomas.
Thomas.
She closed her eyes as she thought about the day they’d had together. He’d come home straight after his exam to take her to her favorite lunch spot, followed by a walk in Central Park. He’d seemed relaxed to her—more like himself than he had since school had started. They’d laughed, kissed, and enjoyed the entire afternoon together before it was time to take the taxi to the airport.
He’d been so sweet to her, making it nearly impossible for her to actually say goodbye to him at the airport. She’d cried until she didn’t think she had any tears left, but Thomas had brushed them aside, assuring her that he could come to see her over the holiday break regardless of where she was at that time.
The thought was reassuring. Three months. That’s how long it would be until she saw him again—if she stayed away for that long. She could handle it. And somewhere deep down inside she knew that she could more than handle it.
The next three months were going to be about her again—about stretching herself to find out more about who she was and the things that she wanted. And she planned to really get into a good routine with her writing—to plan out her next series and figure out what her goals were in terms of her writing career. She’d let things slide recently with all of the pressure of moving and getting settled, and she was determined to get back to something that she’d loved her entire life.
Thinking about her writing reminded her that she needed to call Jemma as soon as she was settled. Her friend had been such a cheerleader to her when she’d been working on her first book, and Isabella missed her dearly. They’d exchanged quick texts about Isabella’s travels, but the two hadn’t had a chance to really talk since Isabella had left Greece. She had a lot to tell her friend and she also needed to find out how everything was going with her and Rafael in Guatemala. It was funny to her that only a few short months ago, she and Jemma had been traveling together throughout Europe. It reminded her how quickly things could change. And for some reason, this thought about things changing caused a little flutter in the pit of her stomach.
She wanted change but she didn’t want things to change between her and Thomas. That was her greatest fear. But could she learn to let the fear go? To just accept things as they were—as they should be?
She sighed as she took one last look out the window before closing her eyes. She needed some sleep if she was going to tackle this adventure ahead with clear thoughts and an open mind.
Isabella lifted the shade of her window at the instruction of the flight attendant. It had been a long journey with a layover in Shanghai—over twenty-four hours since she’d said goodbye to Thomas—and she was ready to be off the plane.
She watched out her window as the plane made its descent and the loveliness of Chiang Mai was spread out below her for the first time. It nearly took her breath away as she realized how small the airport was and that it appeared tucked into the beautiful hills that surrounded it.
She reached for her purse and checked the instructions that she’d written down from what she’d researched online. Everything seemed pretty straightforward. Go through passport control, collect her bags, go through the final check, stop at the ATM machine to get Thai baht and then on to the taxi stand.
She bit her bottom lip and felt the butterflies in her stomach as the airplane came to its final stop and the passengers stood to stretch and coll
ect their belongings. You can do this, Isabella. Just follow the instructions.
At the same moment as she felt the fear of the unknown for what was ahead, she smiled as she thought about the fact that she’d had zero fear about the actual flight. Yes, she had been conquering some big fears this past year. She was determined to keep reminding herself of that.
She practically could have ticked each item off a checklist, it had been that easy to get through customs and collect her bags. She had her money all sorted and was only waiting for the taxi that she’d paid for inside.
She took a deep breath in and noticed all of the smiling faces surrounding her. There were plenty of foreigners, but interspersed with the English that she heard was the distinct sound of what could only be Thai. She had only taken the time to download a language app to her phone, but she hoped that she could at least pick up a few phrases while she was here.
“Hi, is this your first time to Chiang Mai?”
The voice from behind startled her—so much so that she jumped a little as she turned around.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”
She smiled at the man who’d spoken to her. “Oh, no worries at all. I guess I was a little zoned out there—travel brain.” She laughed. “And yes, it is my first time to Chiang Mai—first time to Thailand and to Asia, for that matter. And you?”
“I’ve been living here for the past year—just in from a visa run.” He put his bag down and extended his hand to her. “I’m Dylan, by the way.”