Not Christmas Without You

by Jane Porter

  “You’re my best friend, but also my protector. You’ve made it your life mission to be sure I was okay, and I’m okay. I’m better than okay. I’m really, truly happy. And now it’s time for you to be really, truly happy too.”

  *

  McKenna stopped by Melk Realty late Monday afternoon to pick up Noel and drive him back to Quinn. She had all the kids in her car and they screamed in delight when Noel joined them in the back seat. Noel, for his part, just lay down and accepted the attention as if that was the reaction he’d expected. He really was such a good dog.

  “Thank you for driving him back to Quinn,” Charity said, careful to avoid mentioning that anything was amiss between her and Quinn as McKenna adored her big brother.

  “We’re taking dinner to the guys at the tree farm,” she said, nodding toward the noisy crew in the back seat before giving Charity a frazzled smile. “I keep telling myself this is fun but, right now, I could use a long hot bath without a kidlet in sight.”

  “Has Trey been at the Gallaghers today?”

  “Half day. He came in midafternoon so Rory could go help Sadie haul a tree to a client’s house she is decorating.”

  “Rory’s happy, isn’t he?” Charity said, hating the wistful note she heard in her voice.

  McKenna nodded. “Very happy.” And then she hesitated. “And until this week, I would have said the same thing for Quinn.” She opened the door to her car and then gave Charity a meaningful glance. “And you two need to sort this out soon because I’m happy to chauffeur this dog to Quinn today, but this shouldn’t be an ongoing thing. You guys need to be grown-ups and talk.” McKenna waved goodbye, closed her door, and backed out carefully onto Main Street.

  Charity watched McKenna’s car disappear, hating how horrendous she felt. McKenna was right. This couldn’t continue. But Charity didn’t know how to make things right with Quinn when Alice was still looming large in the background.

  “Don’t make me be the one to say it.”

  Greg’s voice caught her off guard, and Charity jumped. “What was that?” she asked, turning around on the sidewalk to face him.

  “Come on. Don’t make me have to spell this out for you. I’m not on your team, and I’m not on Quinn’s team, but Charity, you are being clueless.”

  She stiffened and folded her arms across her chest. “What do you want, Greg?”

  “I’m trying to help you.”

  “You’ve never tried to help me.”

  He grimaced. “That’s fair. You make a good point. But putting aside our disastrous relationship, don’t let Alice Sterling tie you up in knots.”

  “How do you know about her?”

  “I heard you talking to Sam about her, and I recognized the name. The Sterlings are big in commercial real estate. Her dad, Leo, owns tons of luxury properties and resorts all across the country.”

  “Your point being?”

  “Alice is accustomed to getting what she wants. Don’t let her railroad you. Go see her. Sitting around being upset accomplishes nothing. Do something about it.”

  Charity gave Greg a wary look. “After what we’ve been through, I’m not sure I should listen to your advice.”

  “If I were you, I’d feel the same way.” He sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. “I’m sorry for how things turned out between us. I was arrogant and a jerk and I treated you badly. I don’t feel good about that, and I kind of ruined things for me here in Marietta, too.”

  She arched an eyebrow. “Did Sam make you say that?”

  “Yes. No. Let’s face it, I screwed things up for myself here and I’ve told Sam that I’m thinking of returning to Omaha. Sam thinks it’s probably a good move if I have an opportunity there.”

  “Next time just be nicer, and have more integrity when you date.”

  “I think I will take your advice.”

  She gave him a rueful smile. “And I’ll think about yours.”

  Charity did, too. She thought about Greg’s advice all evening as she finished Amanda’s dress for the Mistletoe and Montana fund-raiser. Maybe Greg was right. Maybe it was time to confront her fears—namely, Alice—and have a conversation, which meant a visit to the Graff Hotel was in order.

  The next morning she stopped by the hotel on her way to work, and approached the front desk asking if they could please connect her to Alice Sterling’s room.

  The front desk receptionist said there was no one by that name at the hotel. “We did have a guest here Tuesday night by that name, but the guest departed early Wednesday.”

  Charity’s first thought was one of relief—Alice was gone—and then a second thought came, and it was far more disquieting. Had Alice returned to Quinn’s?

  She felt nauseous as she returned to her car, and drove the three blocks to work. She hated the second thought and, truthfully, she didn’t think Alice was at Quinn’s. She thought Alice had probably gone home. Charity suspected that everything Quinn had told her was correct.

  Her sister’s words came back to haunt her.

  Quinn wasn’t the problem. She was.

  *

  Thursday morning Quinn sent Charity a text that he was slammed that morning and couldn’t get the dog to her, but she was welcome to come pick him up, or stop by the Gallaghers later to see him.

  Charity read the text several times, telling herself not to read anything into the message, and yet felt anxious all over again. Her stomach had been in knots all week. She hadn’t been able to eat much since Tuesday night and it didn’t help that she and Quinn weren’t speaking. This silence between them reminded her so much of the breakup with Joe, and how when things fell apart it all just ended.

  She didn’t want this to end with Quinn. In her heart of hearts, she was still so crazy about him, which was why she was keeping her distance. She was afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of his silence. Afraid he’d soon disappear. She was simply afraid, period.

  As she went through the motions of working, Charity found herself wondering if part of the reason things had ended so badly with Joe was due to her… and the way she handled hurt and conflict. Had Charity contributed to the problem by not communicating better?

  Was it possible even that she’d been the problem?

  Amanda certainly made it sound as if she was the problem now, because Charity didn’t fight for what she wanted… whether it was a relationship or a career. Instead she gave up. Became a defeatist.

  Was it true?

  *

  Charity left work a half hour early to go home and finish the final details on Amanda’s dress and then drove it over to Tyler and Amanda’s house. Amanda was still at the hair salon but Tyler was home and he took the dress, promising to hang it up straight away in Amanda’s closet.

  Charity thanked him and started back down the front walkway.

  “Do you remember when Amanda and I had our falling out?” he called to her, stopping her midway down the front walk.

  She paused and turned around.

  “You were instrumental in helping us get back together,” he added. “If it wasn’t for you, I’m not sure we would’ve gotten back together, at least not when we did.”

  Charity’s shoulders lifted and fell. “You guys were so good together.”

  “Just like you and Quinn are good together.”

  “I’m having a hard time,” she admitted. “Quinn and I haven’t talked in days.”

  “So talk to him.”

  “And what do I say? That I’ve been wrong about everything? That I’m just a coward with terrible self-esteem issues?”

  “That’s probably a good start.”

  “Just a start?”

  Tyler came down the steps, walking to her. “And then you add the really important stuff. Like how much you care about him, and how much you’ve missed him.” He smiled at her. “Basic stuff, but still really good to hear stuff.”

  She glanced away. “He’s a professional baseball player,” she said in a small voice. “He has groupies and everything.�
��

  Tyler’s laughter rang out. She shot him an accusing glance. He shrugged. “Sorry,” he said, lips twitching, “but the way you said groupies was funny.”

  “It’s not funny, though. Women throw themselves at him.”

  “But he doesn’t want them. He wants you.”

  “His career terrifies me.”

  “His career is his job, not yours.”

  “Then what do I do?”

  “Just love him. That’s all he wants from you.”

  The knot in her chest grew, making it hard to breathe. “I haven’t heard from him in days other than brief, awkward texts about the dog.”

  “Have you reached out to him?”

  She shook her head.

  Tyler shrugged. “Maybe he’s waiting for you to reassure him that you still care about him.”

  She could barely swallow around the aching in her chest and throat. “Of course I care about him.”

  “Then tell him that. Quinn is a strong confident athlete, but he’s also a man. He needs to know he matters to you.”

  Instead of driving home, Charity got on Highway 89 and headed south, taking the exit for the Gallagher Tree Farm. She didn’t know what she would say to Quinn when she saw him, only that she had to see him. She cared about Quinn too much to let the silence continue. If he was going to reject her, he would reject her, but at least she would know and not lose any more sleep wondering.

  And a little voice in her whispered he wasn’t going to reject her.

  That same little voice whispered that she had hurt him by doubting him.

  Charity knew that lack of confidence wasn’t her only weakness. She was also proud. Having grown up in such humble circumstances, she was overly sensitive to slights. But Quinn had never slighted her. Quinn had never been anything but lovely.

  She was nervous as she pulled into the lot, parking amidst the other half dozen vehicles.

  The barn blazed with light. Fire crackled in the fire pit. Festive Christmas carols filled the frigid night air.

  It took her a while to find Quinn, finally spotting him in a thicket of trees, twisting and turning a tree for a couple trying to make up their mind.

  She stood back and watched him. He was smiling and joking with the couple, and so very patient as they asked him to turn the tree around again.

  She felt a pang as he laughed at something the woman said because she had missed his laugh, and she had missed his smile.

  She missed him.

  Charity went to the barn for a cup of hot cocoa to wait for the crowd to thin so she could approach Quinn. She was in the barn studying the ornaments when Quinn and Noel walked in. Noel dashed up to her and Quinn followed more slowly.

  She gave the dog a pat and then smiled nervously at Quinn. “Hi,” she said.

  “Noel didn’t realize you were here,” Quinn said.

  “That’s okay,” she said, suddenly thinking this might not have been a good idea. Quinn didn’t look happy to see her.

  “It’s pretty busy out there,” he added.

  “I saw that. Go do what you have to do. I’m happy to wait.”

  His eyebrow lifted.

  She gave him another smile, even less steady than the one before. “Unless you don’t want me to?”

  “You’re here for Noel.”

  “And you,” she answered, swallowing hard. “Mostly you.” She drew a quick breath. “Actually 99% you.”

  “I thought you were very attached to the dog.”

  “I am.” Her heart was thumping hard. Her stomach did flips. “But I’m more attached to you. A lot more,” she added with emphasis.

  “Hmmm.”

  She gestured around the barn interior. “So I’ll just be here browsing and drinking cocoa until you have time to chat.”

  “It might be a while.”

  “That’s okay.”

  He returned twenty minutes later. “It’s slowing down,” he said, taking a seat on the bench inside the barn. “So, let’s talk while we can.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said bluntly, certain they’d be interrupted any minute. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and sorry I didn’t believe you. I’m just sorry for not being a better… friend.”

  “What changed your mind?” he asked.

  She noticed that his easy smile was gone and his expression was guarded. The Quinn she’d met at Little Teton Resort seemed to have disappeared. Had she done that to him? To them? Her heart ached a little more. “Lots of things. Including a lot of people trying to talk sense into me.”

  “Like who?”

  “Amanda. McKenna. Tyler. Greg.”

  “Greg?”

  “I know. It was weird.”

  “I guess it does take a village.”

  She shot him a glance from beneath her lashes. “The point is, they all essentially said the same thing. That if I cared for you, then I needed to fight for you.”

  “So this is it? Your battle plan? You are right now fighting for me?”

  “You don’t need to sound scornful. I’m here and that’s a big first step.”

  “I’m not scornful. We both know that you’re really here for the dog.”

  “Why do you keep saying that? I’m not. I’m here because I’ve missed you. Terribly.”

  Her eyes stung and her throat thickened. “I’m crazy about you, Quinn. I want so many things with you that it scares the heck out of me. And the fact that you know all the bad things about me doesn’t help me feel more secure. I told you everything in Wyoming. I told you I was a coward and insecure, but you either didn’t listen or didn’t believe me, which is maybe why we’re in this situation now.”

  “So it’s my fault?”

  She started to protest when she realized he just might be teasing her. Her anger dissipated. “Quinn, I really am sorry. I wish I hadn’t been so rattled by meeting Alice—”

  “Listen, Alice scares even me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when she arrived at my house. I would have dealt with her in a way that reassured you she isn’t a threat. She was part of my past, Charity, but she’s not part of my future.”

  “Your life in Seattle makes me nervous.”

  “I know that.”

  “And you’re really good-looking and I’m sure women are all over you.”

  “They like me,” he agreed.

  “So this makes you… scary.”

  “I’m scary?”

  She wrinkled her nose. “No, you’re not scary. My feelings are, though.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I really, really like you. And I really, really don’t want to lose you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “You’ll go back to Seattle soon.”

  “Not soon, but eventually, yes.”

  The weight in her chest was back. “And then you’d forget me. Not intentionally, of course—”

  “Hard to forget you, sweetheart, if you’re in Seattle with me.”

  Her heart skipped and her eyes widened and she couldn’t find words, because going to Seattle had never truly crossed her mind. She hadn’t allowed herself to go there. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Good. Because, honestly, I don’t want to discuss Seattle or baseball or any of that right now, because that’s all down the road, and all of that won’t matter if we’re not good now.” He reached out to her, hand up. “Come here, sit with me.”

  She let herself be pulled down onto his leg. His arms went around her, and for a moment she sat there, in the circle of his arms.

  She could tell there was more on his mind, and she was reminded of what Alice had said. That he projected to people what he thought they wanted, and needed, from him. Was that true? Was Quinn not himself with her?

  She covered his hands with one of hers. “Alice said—” She broke off, hating herself for mentioning Alice but needing to understand. “She said you’re better in Seattle. That in Seattle you can escape the pain of this place. Is that true? Is it hard for you being here?”

  He c
aught her fingers between two of his. “It can be.”

  She drew a breath and exhaled, feeling a strong pinch in her chest, near her ribs. “Do you feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re here?”

  He didn’t answer right away, and then when he did, he spoke carefully. “I don’t want people worrying about me. They did enough of that when I was a boy. When I come back, I want people to be happy. It’s important the people I care about are happy. Life is short. Love matters. Happiness matters.”

  The pinch in her chest seemed to grow and rise, pushing up into her throat and jaw, all the way to her eyes. She blinked, holding back tears. “I’ve been a bad friend to you,” she whispered. “I forgot about us being a team. I was just thinking about me.”

  He squeezed her fingers. “It happens.”

  “You shouldn’t have to carry the team, though.”

  His arms wrapped tighter, drawing her closer. His cheek grazed the top of her head. “It’s what I do best, babe.”

  For some reason that nearly undid her. She struggled to keep her voice steady, “But wouldn’t it be nice to know that I could carry the team if I had to?”

  “I already know you can. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.” He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

  She didn’t answer, just so very happy to sit there in the warmth of his arms. She’d missed this, being with him, feeling safe, and secure. “I need you to know something,” she said after a moment. “That no matter what happens with us—”

  “Don’t say that.”

  She turned in his arms to look up into his face. “No matter what happens, you should know that I love you.” Her lips quivered and she nodded, holding in emotion that threatened to burst free. “You are one of the best people I’ve ever known, and I’m just lucky to have met you.”

  “It’s not luck, sweetheart,” he answered. “It’s fate.”

  “Fate?”

  “Yep.” He kissed the tip of her nose and then her lips. “You were meant to be with me.”

  Chapter Twelve

  In the end, there was no time to make herself a spectacular dress, not when Sam needed her to work late Friday and then Quinn was slammed at the tree farm and texted her that they could use her at the cash register in the barn if she didn’t mind helping, and of course, she didn’t mind helping.