Mercury Shrugs

by Robert Kroese

  “Let’s get out of here before more show up,” Blue Mercury said.

  Red Mercury nodded. He grabbed Lucifer’s ankles and Blue Mercury grabbed Tiamat’s. The two Mercurys dragged the demons to the door. Red Mercury let go of Lucifer and opened the door, stepping outside with his hands up.

  “STEP AWAY FROM THE BUILDING,” the voice of the FBI said from somewhere behind a bank of blinding floodlights.

  “Okay,” said Mercury. “But we’ve got a couple of demons you guys might want to take a look at.”

  Blue Mercury stepped into the light next to him, also with his hands up. There was a pause for several seconds during which nobody behind the lights seemed to have any idea what to do.

  “Mercury?” said another voice from the megaphone. “This is Special Agent Burton. Are you saying you have Lucifer and Tiamat in custody?”

  “Not so much in custody as lying on the floor unconscious,” shouted Red Mercury.

  “Can you bring them outside?”

  “Not with our hands up,” the two Mercurys said in unison.

  There was another pause.

  “Okay,” said Burton. “Go get them.”

  The two Mercurys dragged their respective demons outside.

  “Step away from the demons,” said Burton.

  The Mercurys took a step away and several black-garbed men ran forward. They gagged and handcuffed the demons, and then carried them away. As they were doing so, Burton stepped forward into the light.

  “You’ve got the Balderhaz cube?” asked Red Mercury.

  Burton held up the black cube. “We were about to go in. So, I noticed there are two of you.”

  “Long story,” said Red Mercury. “Is Suzy safe?”

  “Yes, she’s resting comfortably. The others as well.”

  “Others?” said Blue Mercury.

  But before Burton could respond, another black-garbed man approached. “Sir,” he said, “we just had three men surrender at the West gate.”

  “Very good,” said Burton. “That’s everybody, assuming nobody else has duplicated themselves…?” He looked to the Mercurys, who shook their heads.

  “Not that we know of,” they said in unison. Red Mercury added, “You have Drekavac and Azrael?”

  Burton nodded. “They surrendered a few minutes ago.” He turned to the black-garbed man. “Take this,” he said. “Keep all the suspects together, gagged and handcuffed. Under constant watch, and never let any of them get more than fifty feet from this cube. Guard the cube with your life.” He rubbed his forehead and glared at the Mercurys.

  “Got it, sir,” the man said. “I’ll put them the prisoner transfer truck.” He took the cube and began to walk away.

  “Wait,” said Burton. “Put them back in the building.”

  “Sir?”

  “I want that cube near the portal generator until we can figure out what to do with it. If anybody else comes through that thing, I want to have the upper hand.”

  “Yes, sir.” The man turned and jogged away.

  “Come on,” said Burton, walking toward the lights. “I’ll take you two to see your friends.”

  “Both of us?” said Red Mercury. “That might be a little unsettling to the others. Maybe you should keep us separate. Take me to that dank old trailer you’ve got around here somewhere, and take this handsome gentleman somewhere nicer. He needs to be debriefed. And between you and me, he could use clean socks as well.”

  “Whatever you’re trying to pull,” said Blue Mercury, turning to face his counterpart, “you’re not going to get away with it. I’m you, remember? I can see right through your smartass tricks.” He turned to Burton. “If he’s going to the trailer, that’s where I’m going. I admit to being a little confused why you aren’t arresting us though.”

  “Need to pick my battles,” said Burton. “I know how dangerous Tiamat is, and if that really is the Lucifer, my guess is that I’m going to need all the help I can get. I’m willing to consider you two and your friends allies—for now.”

  “That’s the first halfway intelligent thing I’ve heard you say,” said Red Mercury. He sighed, glancing at Blue Mercury. “All right, take us to the trailer.”

  Burton escorted them to the large black trailer that Red Mercury had escaped from a few minutes earlier. They went inside, where Suzy, Eddie, Balderhaz, Jacob and Christine sat on couches waiting for them. They were speechless as the two Mercurys entered. Blue Mercury’s jaw dropped as he saw Christine and Jacob.

  “Hi, gang,” said Red Mercury. “This is my new pal, Blue Mercury. Don’t let the name fool you, he’s actually not any more suicidally depressed than I am. Oh, I’m Red Mercury now.”

  “Um, hi,” said Christine, looking from one Mercury to the other. Balderhaz waved. The others simply stared.

  “You didn’t tell me….” Blue Mercury murmured, pulling Red Mercury aside.

  “About Christine and Jacob being back,” whispered Red Mercury. “Yeah, I ran into them when I went back in time. But it’s no big deal to you, right? You have no romantic interest whatsoever.”

  “You tricked me, you son of a bitch,” said Blue Mercury. “You knew as soon as I saw her—”

  “We should probably discuss this later,” said Red Mercury, smiling at the others, who were still staring at them.

  “I’m going to get you for this,” Blue Mercury said.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “How are there two of you?” Eddie asked at last. “Is one of you from an alternate reality, like…” He trailed off.

  “Like Gray Mercury?” asked Red Mercury. He had decided on this name for the now-deceased Mercury who had come through the portal fleeing from the alternate Lucifer. It just seemed to fit, for a number of reasons. “No. Well, I don’t think so. I’m not sure what the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate reality is.”

  “No difference,” said Balderhaz. “Realities, timelines, universes, planes, dimensions… all different names for the same thing.”

  “But Blue Mercury is identical to me,” said Red Mercury. “The only difference between us is that he didn’t go back in time. Gray Mercury was a whole different person. He came from a completely different universe.”

  “All that means is that the Gray universe diverged from ours much earlier,” said Balderhaz. “Maybe thousands of years ago. The divergence that created the Red and Blue Mercurys was only a few minutes ago.”

  “What divergence?” asked Blue Mercury. “We’re both here in the same reality. We’re two different people, but we occupy the same universe.”

  Balderhaz nodded. “Yes, but there’s also a universe where Mercury didn’t stop himself from going back in time. That decision point created a divergence. Part of that divergence is a causal anomaly.”

  Christine frowned. “What do you mean, ‘causal anomaly’?”

  “An event occurred in our universe that had no cause.”

  “Which was?”

  “Why, your appearance, of course,” said Balderhaz, as if he couldn’t understand how there was any confusion on the matter.

  “My appearance?” asked Christine.

  “Yours and that of Red Mercury and the other gentleman.”

  “His name is Jacob,” said Suzy. “He’s sitting right next to you.” Jacob gave Suzy an appreciative nod. Balderhaz shrugged.

  “When you say ‘appearance,’ you mean our return to the present?” asked Christine.

  Balderhaz snorted. “You didn’t ‘return’ anywhere. You just appeared, ex nihilo. Mercury never went back in time, so he couldn’t have brought you back to the present with him. The three of you just materialized for no discernible reason.”

  The two Mercurys regarded each other, deep in thought.

  “That’s insane,” said Christine. “Mercury went back in time, just like Jacob and I did. We met him there. I mean, then. And then we returned to the present.”

  “Wrong,” said Balderhaz. “In this universe, Mercury never went back in time. Ther
e is another universe where he did, but it diverged from ours. There is no causal relation between the two.”

  “Then why do I remember going back in time?” asked Red Mercury.

  “Why does a chair dream of being an antelope?” asked Balderhaz. “Meaningless question.”

  “You’re contradicting yourself,” said Christine. “You said that our return—that is, our sudden appearance—was inexplicable. That it had no cause. But then you said that the decision point created a divergence. So there is a cause.”

  Balderhaz shrugged. “It’s a semantic issue. Yes, the decision point precipitated the divergence, and one result of the divergence was you showing up here. That doesn’t make your appearance any less arbitrary or inexplicable. I wave a magic wand over a hat and a rabbit jumps out of it. You ask, ‘How did you do that?’ And I say, ‘With my wand. Weren’t you paying attention?’ Such an answer makes a mockery of the idea of cause and effect.”

  “So we appeared by magic?” asked Christine.

  Balderhaz shrugged again. “Semantics,” he said.

  “What I hear you saying,” said Blue Mercury, “is that I’m the real Mercury. I belong in this universe. He’s just an interloper.” He pointed his thumb at Red Mercury.

  “That’s one way to look at it, I suppose,” said Balderhaz.

  “A really stupid way,” said Red Mercury.

  “This is all fascinating,” said Special Agent Burton, who had been standing just inside the door watching this drama unfold. “But if you’re all done solving the mysteries of the universe, perhaps somebody could tell me what to do with the two demons I have tied up in the next trailer.”

  “Well,” said Blue Mercury, “I don’t recommend putting them on the payroll, which seems to have been your first instinct with Tiamat.”

  Red Mercury nodded. “They’re both completely insane, and extremely dangerous. The only place they can safely be detained is Heaven.”

  “You’re suggesting we use the portal generator again. You realize that every time somebody turns that thing on, something horrible happens.”

  “We won’t be using it as a time machine,” said Blue Mercury. “Just to open a portal to Heaven. We only ran into problems last time because Tiamat interfered. If you can keep them from causing trouble while Balderhaz resets the portal generator, we should be fine. We’ll deliver them to the authorities in Heaven, and Bob’s your uncle.”

  “And then what?”

  “Then Blue Mercury and I arm wrestle,” said Red Mercury. “What do you mean, ‘and then what’?”

  “I mean, do we establish some sort of diplomatic relations with Heaven? How does this work, now that we know you guys exist?”

  The Mercurys shrugged. “Beats me,” said Blue Mercury. “Politics isn’t really our thing. We were just going to reestablish contact and then let the bureaucrats do their thing.”

  “I imagine, though,” said Red Mercury, “that handing over Lucifer and Tiamat would be a pretty good start to the U.S. government’s official relationship with Heaven. You’ll be the guy who made that happen.”

  Burton nodded. “All right,” he said. “You two come with me. And you, Balderhaz. The rest of you stay here.” He added, after a pause, “Please.”

  The two Mercurys and Balderhaz followed Burton outside and back to the building. The lights had gone back on; the FBI had probably cut the power when the hostage situation started. They found their way through the maze back to the open area near the center of the building. They found Lucifer, Tiamat, Azrael and all the other demons bound and gagged, not far from the portal generator. The black-garbed man Burton had talked to earlier stood guard, along with three other agents.

  “Well, this is an interesting reversal,” said Blue Mercury. The eyes of the assembled captives went wide at the site of the two Mercurys.

  “Jesus Christ, Dexter,” said Burton. “We’re supposed to be resolving hostage situations, not creating new ones.”

  “Sorry, sir,” said Agent Dexter. “There was no other place within fifty feet of the portal thing where I could keep an eye on them all. This place is a mess.”

  “Never mind,” said Burton. “If all goes well, we’ll be sending these BIOs back home in short order.” He turned to Balderhaz. “Can you set that thing back to Heaven?”

  “Sure,” said Balderhaz. “Piece of cake.” He went to work on the machine.

  “Good,” said Burton. He turned to the two Mercurys. “You two should probably go through first, explain the situation. Come back here and give us the green light to send the demons through.”

  “Okay,” said Blue Mercury. “But only one of us should go. The authorities don’t know there are two of us, and they tend to get spooked by things they don’t understand.”

  “Then we have something in common,” Burton deadpanned.

  “I’ll go,” said Red Mercury. “I’ve seen everything Blue Mercury has seen and then some.”

  “What are you, like eighteen hours older than me?”

  “It was an eventful eighteen—oh, shit. Not again.”

  “What?” Blue Mercury asked. He and Burton turned to see what Red Mercury was looking at. “Oh, shit,” Blue Mercury agreed.

  The familiar blue-white ellipse of the portal had once again appeared.

  “What did you do, Balderhaz?” Burton demanded.

  “Nothing!” Balderhaz cried, stepping away from the portal generator. “It isn’t even turned on!”

  “Somebody is opening a portal to here from somewhere else,” said Blue Mercury.

  “Or somewhen else,” added Red Mercury.

  As they watched, a tall, lean figure materialized. He was wearing a crimson robe with flared lapels and an odd-looking pyramid-shaped hat that seemed to be made of velvet. The getup was so strange that it took a moment for the watchers to recognize him.

  “Greetings, dwellers of this fair plane!” the newcomer exclaimed. “It is I, Lucifer! I have spent the past three hundred years trying to open a portal between our two worlds. Many said it was not possible, but ever since the loathsome traitor Mercury disappeared through a strange rift in the spacetime continuum, I have devoted all the resources of my realm to reopening it. And now the momentous moment is here, and I am proclaiming my dominion over this plane as well. Bow before me!”

  The two Mercurys, Special Agent Burton, and the bound captives sitting on the floor stared at the crimson-robed figure.

  “Bow!” screeched Lucifer. “Or I shall bring you to your knees with my miraculous… why isn’t this working?”

  Burton held up the Balderhaz cube.

  “What’s that?” asked Lucifer.

  “You’ve never seen a Balderhaz cube?” asked Red Mercury.

  “A what?” asked Lucifer.

  “It prevents the performing of miracles. I guess you have no Balderhaz where you’re from, so no Balderhaz cubes. Interesting. Of course, you should really be more concerned about that.”

  Lucifer turned just in time to get smacked across the head with an iron pipe. He fell to the floor unconscious.

  “You really enjoy doing that, don’t you?” asked Red Mercury.

  Blue Mercury shrugged, letting the weapon clatter to the ground. “It’s not every day you get to whack the devil in the face with a pipe.”

  “Tie him up,” said Burton. “Put him with the others.”

  Dexter nodded and went to work on Lucifer.

  Burton turned to Red Mercury. “Can I surmise that this is the alternate Lucifer that the now-deceased version of you was running from?”

  “So it would seem,” said Red Mercury, watching as Burton’s men tied the newcomer up and dragged him next to his shocked counterpart.

  “Gray Lucifer,” said Blue Mercury. “Do you think he really worked on his portal generator for three hundred years?”

  “Wouldn’t surprise me,” said Red Mercury. “That plane was right out of the Dark Ages. Completely backwards from a technological standpoint.”

  “And every other st
andpoint,” said Blue Mercury. “That’s what happens when Lucifer is in charge of the place. No freedom, no creativity, no innovation. Just millions of people scrabbling to get by, for thousands of years.”

  “No Balderhaz either,” said Red Mercury. “Gray Lucifer was starting from scratch, trying to understand interplanar technology. It’s kind of amazing it only took him three hundred years.”

  Balderhaz nodded, in some combination of appreciation and agreement.

  Burton frowned. “But if three hundred years have passed on his plane since Gray Mercury came here, then why did he show up now, rather than three hundred years from now?”

  “Who knows?” Blue Mercury said. “Maybe he accidentally invented time travel too.”

  “These were the only coordinates he had,” said Balderhaz. “If he built a portal generator from scratch, using brute force methodology, it may actually have been simpler for him to build the time travel component into his device. It’s all a matter of perspective.”

  “So does he have a shard as well?” asked Red Mercury.

  “Or something like it,” Balderhaz said. “With enough time and resources, you could build a battery with as much energy potential as the shard. If it was made of something other than ubiquium, though, it would have to be gigantic. And of course you’d need some sort of amplitude modulator, or the rift would be unstable and the gravitational vector would tear apart anything going through the portal. Man, would I love to see how they handle the torque shear problem on that scale!”

  “You may very well get to,” said Blue Mercury, regarding the still open portal.

  Burton shook his head. “Nobody’s going through that thing. We have no idea what’s on the other side.”

  “Somebody needs to go through and shut that thing down at the source, permanently,” said Blue Mercury. “Nothing good can come from leaving a portal open to that place.”

  “I don’t like it,” said Burton. “We need to get these demons to Heaven before anything else goes wrong.”

  Balderhaz frowned. “I’m not sure I can even open another portal while that one is open.”