Mercury Shrugs

by Robert Kroese

  “The hell you will,” said Blue Mercury, getting to his feet. “We’ve given you a perfectly reasonable solution, and you won’t even consider it. At least get your bosses on the phone or however you communicate with them.”

  “There’s no point,” said John, getting to his feet and staring coldly at Blue Mercury. “The rules are very clear. A causal breakdown of this magnitude necessitates a full abort. I’m not going to waste my superiors’ time on something like this. So if you gentlemen are finished with your beers, I will see you out.”

  Red Mercury stood as well, and the two of them towered over John for a moment. John chuckled.

  “Before you get any ideas about overpowering me and taking over the controls,” he said, “remember what I did to that ape.”

  “We’re not apes,” said the Mercurys together.

  John laughed. “No, you’re angels,” he said. “Immortal beings with mystical powers. Guess where your powers come from, Heckle and Jeckle?”

  The Mercurys exchanged glances.

  “That’s right,” said John, holding his hands in the air. “This place. The Outpost. Your so-called ‘Eye of Providence.’ And guess who controls the Outpost? Tell you what, gents. Why don’t you try using your hocus pocus on me and see what happens.”

  The Mercurys said nothing. Balderhaz remained seated, watching the exchange, holding his empty chocolate milk glass in his lap.

  “How about this,” said John. “A simple test.” He pointed his finger at Balderhaz, and the empty glass jumped out of Balderhaz’s hands. Balderhaz gave a small yelp and sat up straight. The glass floated toward John, pausing to hover between him and the two Mercurys. “Fill this glass with water,” he said.

  “From this angle?” said both the Mercurys simultaneously.

  “You’re as childish as you are predictable,” said John. “Too challenging? How about shattering the glass? Surely you can manage that.”

  The Mercurys made no response.

  “I have to do everything myself,” said John. “It’s fine, I’ve been doing it for six billion years.” He snapped his fingers and there was a sudden crack. The glass had shattered into dozens of little pieces, which floated before their eyes.

  “Whoa,” said Red Mercury. “He broke a glass.”

  “It’s a metaphor for his career,” said Blue Mercury.

  “Very amusing,” said John, as the glass shards—with the exception of two large, jagged pieces—fell to the floor. The two remaining shards floated toward the two Mercurys, one toward each of them. The Mercurys tried to step backwards, but found their feet stuck to the floor. The shards moved toward their necks, stopping only when the jagged edge began to bite into the skin of their respective throats.

  “One thought from me—not even a motion, just a thought—and you’re both dead. Forever. Because I control the Outpost, and the Outpost is the source of your immortality. I don’t know how you managed to tap into it in the first place; some kind of glitch in the causal matrix. But it doesn’t matter. I can shut it off with a flip of a switch. Ooh, I have an even better idea! The two of you fight to the death. Two Mercurys enter, one leaves!”

  “That’s not much of a prize if the universe is going to evaporate twenty minutes later,” said Red Mercury.

  “We’ll do it,” said Blue Mercury, glancing at his counterpart, “if you agree to try Balderhaz’s universe-splitting idea. Let the universe live, and we’ll fight. To the death.”

  Red Mercury looked at Blue Mercury grimly, but said nothing. Blood dripped from his throat where the glass shard pressed against it.

  “Interesting!” said John. “Two identical beings fighting to the death for the fate of the universe. Except, of course, you’re not truly identical, are you? Red Mercury cheated Blue Mercury out of a chance at happiness.” He took a step toward Blue Mercury, regarding his face curiously. “I can see why you’re so eager to kill him.”

  The Mercurys remained silent, staring at John.

  “I’ll tell you what,” said John. The shards of glass moved away from their throats, and the other broken pieces of glass leapt into the air. The pieces fused together into a glass once again. Then the glass morphed into a crystal hummingbird, which buzzed away. “Out of respect for your fighting spirit, I will seek an audience with my superiors regarding the fate of your universe.”

  “Great,” said Red Mercury. “Get them on the phone right now and we’ll make our case.”

  “Out of the question,” said John. “I must visit the headquarters in person. Your bodies would never even survive the translation into pandimensional form. Don’t worry, it won’t take long. Only about an hour in your time. And then I will give you an answer. But don’t get your hopes up, the rules are quite clear in this case and I have no reason to believe my superiors will grant an exemption. But if nothing else, you will have an hour to prepare for your obliteration.”

  “Gee, thanks,” said Blue Mercury.

  “It’s the best I can do,” said John. “I’ll see you gentlemen out and then be on my way. Follow me, please.” He clapped his hands and the display disappeared. The two Mercurys and Balderhaz reluctantly followed him out of the room and back through the entry way.

  “So,” said Blue Mercury, “assuming your bosses say no, what happens next?”

  “From your perspective, the Outpost will simply cease to be. In reality, it will never have existed at all. And shortly afterward, nothing else will either.”

  “How shortly?”

  “Hard to say. Milliseconds, probably. If you’re lucky you might get a second or two of existence, depending on the aggregate observational power of every conscious being. But it doesn’t matter, because even that time will never really have happened. There will be no mark left of this universe anywhere. Even my backups will have to be erased; can’t risk bringing the ontological impression of a faulty causal schema back to headquarters. The only thing that will remain is my own notes and my memories. Well, thanks for stopping by, gentlemen. I’ll be back in an hour to pronounce the fate of your universe.”

  John opened the door and the three filed out. Blue Mercury glanced at the area on the pyramid wall where the keypad had appeared as he walked by.

  “Don’t get any ideas,” said John. “I’ll be changing the combination before I leave. And the Outpost will be set to self-destruct in the case of a mis-entered code. One wrong key and the Outpost—along with your universe—goes kablooey. So sit tight, say goodbye to your friends, make your peace with… whatever. I’ll be back before you know it.” The door slid shut, with John inside.

  “Now what?” asked Red Mercury.

  Blue Mercury shrugged. “We wait to die, I guess,” he said.

  “Man, did we land on the right name for you,” said Red Mercury.

  “Whatever,” said Blue Mercury. “Let’s go tell Green Mercury the exciting news.”

  The three walked away from the pyramid across the desert plain.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  “Son of a bitch!” Lucifer cried as he materialized on the prehistoric desert plain. “How do you keep getting ahead of me?”

  “Well,” said Green Mercury, turning to face him. “It helps that there are three of me.”

  “And who the hell are all these people?” Lucifer asked, noticing the crowd that Green Mercury was addressing. The crowd, in turn, stared speechlessly at Lucifer.

  “Just some folks we picked up in the desert,” said Green Mercury. “Not angels or anything.”

  Lucifer regarded the crowd curiously. “Are you sure?” he said. “Because a lot of them look familiar.”

  “I thought the same thing,” said Green Mercury. “But trust me, they’re just a bunch of knuckleheads waiting for the Second Coming. Whatever you’re planning, it’s not going to work. There are no angels here, nobody to manipulate. If Heaven even exists, it’s inaccessible from here. And there’s no angel band. Try it yourself.”

  Lucifer concentrated a moment, and a frown crept over his face. “Th
is isn’t right,” he said.

  “Disappointing, isn’t it?” said Green Mercury. “You expected somebody else to have done the heavy lifting before you got here. They set up the angelic hierarchy and you slip in and corrupt it. But there’s no hierarchy here. Nothing to corrupt. If you want to build an empire, you’re going to have to do it from scratch.”

  Lucifer thought for a moment. “No matter,” he said. “It’s just as well there’s no competition.”

  “Competition is the least of your worries,” said a voice from in back of the crowd. The crowd parted to reveal Red and Blue Mercury returning with Balderhaz.

  “You weren’t joking,” said Lucifer, stunned. “There really are three of you.” He shook his head and regained his composure. “It makes no difference,” he said. “You still won’t be able to stop me. Soon this entire plane will be mine!”

  “Go for it,” said Blue Mercury, as the three approached. “You’ve got about forty-five minutes.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Lucifer.

  “It means,” said Red Mercury “that before the ink is dry on your global despot business cards, this whole universe is going to vanish. You see that?” He pointed to the glinting in the distance. “That’s the Eye of Providence, also known as Outpost 73221. It sustains all of reality. In less than an hour, it’s going to disappear, and take the whole universe with it. None of this—none of us—will have existed.”

  “Damn it,” said Green Mercury. “And our Gilmore Girls convo was just starting to get interesting.”

  Lucifer chuckled. “What an absurd bluff. The three of you and Mr. Crazypants travel 7,000 years back in time and this is the best you can do?”

  “Check it out yourself if you like,” said Blue Mercury. “Or go nuts with your world domination schemes. We won’t try to stop you. Either way, this is it. Game over.”

  Lucifer scowled. “Well, that’s no fun,” he said.

  “So that really is the Eye of Providence?” Green Mercury asked, squinting at the horizon. “Shouldn’t it be in Heaven?”

  “Apparently not,” said Red Mercury. “All of reality seems to have been the result of some sort of experiment by extradimensional beings. We broke something when we both did and didn’t go back in time, so they’re shutting it down.”

  “Who is ‘they’?” asked Lucifer. “You talked to someone?”

  “Yeah, a guy named John. Kind of a dick. He’s checking with his superiors right now, but he basically said there’s no hope for appeal. When he gets back, he’s going to redeploy the Eye and then everything goes away.”

  “Ridiculous,” said Lucifer. “I’m going to go see this thing myself.” He turned and started off toward the pyramid.

  Green Mercury sighed. “Should we try to stop him?” he asked.

  “I don’t see the point,” said Blue Mercury. “He can pound on that pyramid all day and it’s not going to change anything. Well, he can do it for about forty-five minutes anyway.”

  “But this John,” said Lucas, who had been listening from a few feet away. “He said he’s going to come back with a verdict?”

  “That’s right,” said Red Mercury.

  “Then we should all go there,” said Lucas. “Maybe he’ll be more sympathetic if he has to look us all in the eye.”

  Red Mercury shook his head. “I don’t get the impression that John’s a real sympathetic kind of guy. He sees universes created and destroyed all the time.”

  “And kills apes,” said Blue Mercury.

  “Well, we can’t just give up,” said a woman’s voice. They turned to see the woman who was the spitting image of Tiamat. The Mercurys looked at each other and shuddered.

  “Do what you like,” said Blue Mercury. “I’m done trying to fix the past. I’ve been hopping from one timeline to another all day, and this is where it’s gotten us.”

  Red Mercury nodded. “Me too,” he said. “I’m out.”

  “Well,” said Green Mercury. “I at least want to see this guy who’s pronouncing our doom.”

  Red Mercury waved his hand dismissively.

  “Attention, everyone!” yelled Green Mercury. “We’re going on a field trip to the shiny thing. Everybody follow me.”

  There was some confused mumbling from the crowd, but ultimately everybody followed Green Mercury. It was unclear how much they had heard or understood about what the Mercurys had been saying. Most of them still seemed too dazed and overwhelmed to make much sense of anything.

  Red Mercury and Blue Mercury watched as the crowd made its way toward the glinting in the distance. “Should we go after them?” Blue Mercury asked after a moment.

  “Why?” said Red Mercury.

  “You know, end of the world. Doesn’t seem like a good time to be alone.”

  “We’re not alone,” said Red Mercury. “We have each other.”

  The two exchanged distasteful glances.

  “Yeah, okay,” said Red Mercury. “Let’s go.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  “How did you get inside?” asked Green Mercury. He and the other Mercurys, along with Lucifer, Lucas, the woman who looked like Tiamat, and a few of the other cultists stood in a rough semicircle, staring at the pyramid. Most of the other cultists hung back, too afraid to approach the strange monument, while a few walked around it, banged on it, or even tried—without much luck—to climb up the sides.

  “There’s a door in the center of this side,” said Blue Mercury. He took a step forward and waved his hand over the side of the pyramid where he’d seen the control panel appear. It took him a few tries, but ultimately the nine icons reappeared.

  “Weird,” said Lucas. “It’s like a combination lock. You’d think these extradimensional beings or whatever they are would come up with something… I don’t know, fancier.”

  “Pattern recognition security is easy to fool,” said Balderhaz. “Irises, fingerprints, voices, faces… just analog patterns that can be duplicated. Code-based security is much harder. Nine characters, eight digits. That’s nine to the eighth possible permutations. Just over forty-three million possibilities. At five seconds per permutation, it would take seven years to try them all.”

  “We have about half an hour,” said Green Mercury.

  “It’s worse than that,” said Red Mercury. “A wrong combination will cause the Eye to self-destruct, taking all of us with it.”

  “And even if we could get inside,” said Blue Mercury, “we don’t know that we could figure out how to take control of it.”

  “I think I can figure it out,” said Balderhaz. “That gooey interface in the Iris seemed rather intuitive.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” said Red Mercury. “We can’t get inside. And in any case, John will be back in half an hour. We can’t fight that guy.”

  “I could take him,” said Lucifer.

  “Good luck with that,” said Blue Mercury. “He controls the Eye, which is where you get your power. And he’s got powers that make angels look like these dumbasses.” He waved his hand to indicate the crowd behind them. “He could kill you just by looking at you.”

  Lucifer swallowed hard. For a moment, everyone was silent.

  “I, um, have an idea,” said Balderhaz. “But I think it might be insane.”

  “Oh God,” said Blue Mercury. “If you think it’s insane, I’m afraid to even ask.”

  “Shoot, Balderhaz,” said Green Mercury. “It can’t possibly make things any worse.”

  “Well,” said Balderhaz. “What if we could try all the combinations?”

  “We can’t,” said Red Mercury. “And if we did, we’d all be annihilated forty-three million times.”

  “Forty-three million, forty-six thousand and seven hundred nineteen times,” said Balderhaz. “But we’d succeed once.”

  Blue Mercury threw up his hands. “How the hell are we going to try every possible combination in twenty minutes? Unless you’re planning on duplicating us a bunch more times, it’s… oh.”

  “No,�
� said Red Mercury, realizing where Balderhaz was going. “No more universe splitting.”

  “What do we have to lose?” asked Green Mercury.

  “Everything!” cried Blue Mercury. “John’s going to be back in a few minutes. Let’s say there’s a one percent chance that he was able to get approval to keep our universe going. Not great odds, I’ll grant you, but still a thousand times better than you’d get with Balderhaz’s plan.”

  “Four hundred thirty thousand times better,” said Balderhaz.

  “See?” said Blue Mercury. “Even Balderhaz knows it’s insane.”

  “Any of you jerks plan on telling me what the hell you’re talking about?” asked Lucifer at last.

  “A quoin,” said Red Mercury. “A quantum coin. Show him, Balderhaz.”

  Balderhaz held out his hand, revealing the silver disk.

  “It’s like a coin, but it taps into quantum mumbo jumbo something,” said Blue Mercury. “The point is, the outcome is completely unpredictable. Not determined.”

  “Truly random,” said Lucifer. “Pure chaos. I like it!”

  “But there are only two possibilities with a coin,” said the woman who looked like Tiamat. “Not forty-three million.”

  “We’d need to flip it a bunch of times,” said Green Mercury.

  “Twenty-six times,” said Balderhaz. “We’d get a random output of a binary number twenty-six digits long. A string of ones and zeroes, basically. Ones for heads, zeroes for tails. Then we convert that number to a four-digit base base-nine number. Translate the digits one through nine to the hieroglyphs on the panel, and we have our combination.”

  “We have a combination!” exclaimed Blue Mercury. “A combination that is almost guaranteed to be wrong!”

  “But we’d be doing it on forty-three million different universes,” said Green Mercury. “Right, Balderhaz?”

  “Theoretically, yes,” said Balderhaz. “And in nearly all of them, we will be obliterated. But on exactly one, we will succeed.”

  “Remember earlier,” said Red Mercury, “When I said our timeline-hopping plan was the most batshit crazy plan of all time? Turns out I was wrong by several orders of magnitude. That plan was basically a midnight trip to Arby’s compared to this. This is like Salvador Dali and Hunter S. Thompson on a peyote trip crazy.”