Reaction

by Lesley Choyce

  Stephen let out a snorting laugh.

  I kept trying to offer up some small talk about school or sports, but it went nowhere. It seemed that whatever I said, Ashley’s father had something negative to say about it. Pretty soon I knew I’d made a mistake by coming over and trying to be nice to her family.

  After about five minutes of dead silence, I found myself saying, “Why don’t we cut through some of the crap and just talk about the baby.” I didn’t mean for it to sound hostile. I thought it would help if we could just get it out in the open. But it came out sounding all wrong.

  Mr. Walker looked up from his plate. “Good point, Zach. Yes, let’s do just that. Why don’t you start us off?”

  Mrs. Walker was shaking her head.

  Ashley looked paler than ever. I didn’t know where to begin.

  I guess my silence was another wrong response, because Stephen was out of his seat now. “Yeah, why don’t we cut through the crap,” he said. And then he leaned across the table and shoved me hard with both hands.

  “Sit down,” his father ordered him.

  I was trying to stay calm. I slowly started to stand. I figured I’d better just leave. Ashley took my hand, but I pulled away. “No, I think I better be going.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mrs. Walker said again.

  “Mom, you don’t need to apologize,” Stephen said. I couldn’t believe this was happening. All I wanted was to get out of there.

  But I didn’t make it to the door. Stephen said, “Good riddance to bad trash,” and then pushed me hard from behind so that I slammed into the wall.

  I wasn’t even thinking. Just reacting. I turned and pushed him. I pushed him so hard that he fell backward over a table. Some framed pictures fell to the floor, and then Stephen hit the floor. Hard. I didn’t hang around to see what might happen next. I was out the door and walking quickly away into the cold night air.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ashley wouldn’t speak to me the next day at school. I couldn’t believe things had gone from bad to worse. I waited for her outside several of her classes, but she refused to even look at me or make eye contact. I had to talk with her. I thought she would have realized that none of what happened was my fault. But all she said was, “Just leave me alone. Haven’t you done enough damage?”

  I felt rotten. Really rotten.

  I saw Stephen in the hall, and I could see he had a big bruise on his face. I thought about trying to apologize, but I knew it wouldn’t work. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to hit me. Then we’d end up in more trouble, and I sure didn’t want that, or any more attention.

  It was one of my worst days of school ever. I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t figure out how to patch things up. After school was finished, I was sitting in the back of the bus thinking about what a crappy future I had ahead of me when Kiley sat down beside me.

  “You don’t look so good,” she said.

  I told her what had happened.

  She didn’t say anything at first. “Maybe this just isn’t meant to be,” she finally said. I knew exactly what she meant.

  “I don’t know what it is,” I said. “I’ve been trying to do the right thing.”

  “Maybe you’re trying to do the wrong thing. I know your heart is in the right place. It just seems that it’s not working out.”

  I knew there was more to this than what Kiley was saying. I could see it in her face. It was that look she had given me back when we had first gotten together. We’d been together for almost a year, and then I screwed things up. After that, Ashley had come along, and the rest, as they say, is history.

  But maybe Kiley was right. Maybe Mark was right. And my parents. And Ashley’s parents. Maybe everyone could see things clearly but me. When it was time for Kiley to get off the bus, she said, “Call me if you need someone to talk to. I’ll be there for you.” Both of my parents’ cars were in the driveway when I got home. That was weird. They both should have been at work. I knew something was up. But I would never have expected what happened next.

  I walked into the kitchen, and my father was reading some kind of document. He looked up at me. “What happened last night, Zach?”

  I looked down at the floor. “Ashley’s brother and I had a little disagreement.”

  “Maybe not so little?” he asked.

  “Why?”

  “This,” he said, holding out the pages in his hands. “It’s a restraining order. The Walkers went to the police, and they delivered this today. You’re not allowed to have any contact with Stephen or Ashley.”

  “This is crazy,” I said. “It wasn’t my fault. They can’t do this.”

  My mother came up to me then and put her arm around me. “If they went this far, this is very serious. Zach, I think you just have to back off. I think you have to let all this go.”

  “This is so unfair.”

  My dad set the papers on the table. “I don’t think you have much of a choice here, Zach. I think you need to let Ashley and her parents sort out whatever they’re going to do. Anything you try to do now would only make things worse.”

  “And you could get in real trouble,” my mom said, the look of parental worry stamped on her forehead.

  “Maybe this is all for the best,” my dad said. And that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I called Ashley’s cell phone nearly a dozen times, but she didn’t pick up. She would have known it was me calling. I realized that doing even this was going against the restraining order, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was talk to her and find out what she was thinking and feeling. I needed to know what was going on.

  It was almost midnight when I called Kiley. She had been sleeping, but she listened to me and she had some kind words for me. I eventually let her go and then fell into a fitful sleep.

  In the morning, I got another reminder from my parents about leaving Ashley alone. “We don’t want this legal thing to get any worse. Zach, you just have to back off. That’s all you can do.”

  And that’s what I did. I backed off.

  I didn’t get on the bus at the corner. The weather was a bit cooler, and it looked like rain, but I walked for ten blocks and then put out my thumb. Hitchhiking out of town was much more difficult this time. I did a lot of walking by the side of the highway, and the fact that so many drivers ignored me made me feel more and more like crap. Finally, a guy in an old beat-up Toyota stopped and picked me up and talked the whole time about what a rotten life he had. But he gave me a long drive to the exit I wanted, and then I walked the rest of the way to the river I’d been to before. I felt confused and tired as I sat down. I had never felt more alone in my life. But at least I was alone. I didn’t have anyone there telling me what to do or think. I thought about Ashley, and now I didn’t know if it was worth it. It would always be like this. Her parents would be there telling her what she should do. And no matter how hard I would try, they’d always, always resent me. They’d want me out of the picture.

  Ashley and I had said we “loved” each other. But now I was even less certain that I knew what love was. I was even more confused by the way I was feeling when I was around Kiley. Kiley seemed so much more mature than Ashley.

  I remembered the day I’d been here before and was reminded of that other option: running away. Just splitting and leaving it all behind. It seemed so sweet. But again, I couldn’t do it to my parents.

  I tried to focus on the baby that Ashley would have: what that would be like and what I would be like as a father. But I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t bring that picture into focus in my head.

  And then it started to rain. I tucked in beneath a rock outcropping on the hill above the falls and watched the rain coming down. I was cold and damp and alone. After about two hours, I felt like I was going crazy. I had this big temptation to call Kiley. But I didn’t. I checked my watch and waited until I knew Ashley would be between classes. No one was supposed to have their cell phone on at school,
but almost everyone did. I blocked my number and phoned Ashley.

  She picked up.

  As I looked out at the rainy dismal world around me, I said, “Please don’t hang up.”

  She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t hang up.

  “I just want to know if you still care about me.”

  “I do, Zach. It’s just that now everything is so impossible.”

  “You know I didn’t mean to hurt your brother.”

  “I know that. But it’s just not going to work between us. My parents are right. I just have to admit it. You have to admit it.”

  “I know it’s bad, but did they have to get the police involved?”

  “What?” She sounded genuinely surprised.

  “You didn’t know?”

  “Know what?”

  “About the restraining order. I’m not allowed to even see you or speak with you. I can be in big trouble just for talking to you on the phone like this.”

  “That’s crazy. My parents did this?”

  “Yeah, I’m afraid so.”

  Then there was silence. I was aware of the sound of the falling rain and the waterfall. I guess Ashley heard it too.

  “Zach, where are you?”

  “I just had to get away. I hitchhiked to this place up in the mountains. I couldn’t handle going to school.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “I think so. Everything is just so insane.”

  “We need to talk,” she said. “Some place where no one will see us.”

  “I’ll hitch back to town. If I leave now I might get back by the time school is out. Meet me in the bookstore over on South Park Street, the one with the coffee shop. I think it’s called Off the Page. Do you know where that is?”

  “Okay, I’ll be there.”

  The rain let up, but I had a long walk before I caught my first ride. It took me longer than I thought it would to get back to town. Maybe my career as a hitchhiker was over. Ashley had been in the bookstore waiting for me for over an hour. But she hadn’t given up.

  When I walked in, she ran to me and gave me a hug.

  I could tell she was just as scared as I was. We talked for a long time. And then she said it was time for us to go talk to her parents.

  Chapter Fifteen

  We took the city bus. As we got closer to her house, I started to lose my nerve. I was cold and tired and even a bit shaky.

  “I’ve thought about being pregnant and about the baby so many times,” Ashley confided. “And each time I get more confused. I’m not ready for this.”

  “I don’t think I am either,” I admitted. “But we both decided that you’d have the baby, right?”

  “I don’t want to change that. I still think that’s the right thing for me to do. I just don’t know about us.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know about you and me being parents.”

  “I’ve thought about that too. Some days I feel confident that we can do it. Other times it really scares me.”

  She saw the uncertainty in my face. Right now she seemed the stronger of the two of us, the one who was more mature. “What are we going to say to your parents?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said. And suddenly I wished we weren’t about to go through with this meeting.

  All too soon we were back in Ashley’s neighborhood, and the bus stopped. We got out and walked to her door.

  When we walked in, the house was quiet. We sat down in the living room, and Ashley’s mom came in first. She looked at me and then at Ashley. “He’s not supposed to be here,” she said.

  “Mom, you had no right to get the police involved. It wasn’t Zach’s fault. Stephen pushed him first.”

  Ashley’s mom shook her head. “It was your father’s idea. I shouldn’t have gone along with it.”

  “Is he home yet?” Ashley asked.

  “He should be here any minute,” Mrs. Walker said. She turned to me and added, “I’m not sure it’s such a good idea that you are here.”

  I shrugged and looked at Ashley. “Do you want me to leave?”

  “No,” she said emphatically.

  A few awkward minutes later, we heard the car in the driveway and the sound of Mr. Walker’s footsteps. Then the door opened, and he walked in.

  He glared at me and at Ashley and, without saying anything, started walking to the phone. He picked it up, but his wife marched over and made him put it down.

  He stood there and tried to contain his anger. “What are you doing here?” he asked me.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I just know that we need to sort this out.”

  “It was my idea,” Ashley said. “Why didn’t you tell me about the restraining order?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “You need to call the police and tell them you made a mistake,” Ashley demanded.

  “I’m not going to do that.”

  “I’ve been thinking about how you are controlling my life, and I don’t think it’s fair.”

  “You are too young to know what fair is,” he snapped. “And you don’t know what’s right for you.”

  “I need a chance to figure that out.”

  “And how are you going to do that?”

  Ashley was being more assertive around her parents than I’d seen her before, but she was also looking flustered. “I think Zach and I just need to go away together for a while.”

  This was not at all what I was expecting her to say.

  Her father seethed silently as her mother said, “We don’t want you to do that. We want you here.”

  I knew what Ashley was thinking. I’d thought about it before. We’d talked about it. It had always been an option. Running away. But it was all wrong.

  “No, Ashley,” I said in a soft voice. “We’re not going to run away together. We’re not going to do that. I’ve already done the rehearsals on that. It’s not the way to go.”

  “Then what is the way to go?” her father demanded.

  I looked at Ashley and thought of all the conversations she and I had about the pregnancy and the baby. I knew what we needed. We needed more time.

  “Look,” I said, “I think everyone needs to back off and let us have a chance to think it through.” I looked her father right in the eye. “You don’t have to like me, but you might just have to get used to having me around. I’d like to be here for Ashley, unless she tells me she doesn’t want me around. I’d also like to be there for the baby, even though I’m not at all sure if I’d be any good at helping out with that.”

  “Have you thought any more about giving the baby up for adoption when it’s born?” Ashley’s mom asked.

  “We’ve talked about it as a possibility,” Ashley said.

  “I don’t think it’s what I want,” I said. “But I haven’t ruled it out. I just know that there are no easy answers here.”

  Mr. Walker looked at me differently now. The hostility had faded. It’s almost like he was looking at me as me for the first time, not as the boy who had gotten his daughter pregnant. “Well, you sure got that part right,” he said.

  And that’s where we left it. I gave Ashley a hug and walked home. I was still baffled as to what would come next. I didn’t know how we were going to sort out the difficulties or make the right decision. All I knew was that we had, for now, taken some control. There would be problems ahead and difficult decisions. And I knew I would never be fully prepared for what lay ahead. But we had taken our lives back for now. There would be a child, and we’d have to figure out what would be best for that child.

  Maybe Ashley and I could see it through and stay together. It wouldn’t be easy. Nothing would be easy from here on. But I knew one thing for sure. I’d be there for her right up to the time the baby was born and beyond. We’d see this through together.

  Lesley Choyce teaches part-time at Dalhousie University, runs Pottersfield Press and has published over seventy books for adults and kids. He surfs year-round in the North Atlantic and
has been a newspaper boy and lead guitarist. Lesley lives at Lawrencetown Beach, Nova Scotia.

  Orca Soundings

  The following is an excerpt from

  another exciting Orca Soundings novel,

  Comeback by Vicki Grant.

  978-1-55469-310-8 $9.95 pb

  978-1-55469-311-5 $16.95 lib

  RIA IS RICH, SLIM, PRETTY, POPULAR.

  If you only knew her at school, you’d think she led a charmed life. But her situation has suddenly changed. Her parents’ seemingly perfect marriage has broken up, and before she’s had a chance to absorb the blow, her father disappears in a plane crash. What’s worse, rumors begin to surface that he may not be the man—or father—everyone thought he was. Ria decides she needs to take desperate action to protect herself, her younger bother and her father’s reputation.

  Chapter One

  My boyfriend is trying to make me feel better. He’s leaning against his locker, one arm over my head, making a little cocoon for me. He tucks a wisp of hair behind my ear and says, “It’s not the end of the world, Ria. Who knows? You might even end up liking it. So smile, would you? C’mon. Just a little… Please?”

  I appreciate the effort. I really do. Colin’s sweet—but it’s not helping. He doesn’t know how I feel.

  How could he?

  His life’s right off the Disney Channel. The mom. The dad. The three kids. The mischievous but lovable dog. Everyone sitting around the kitchen table, laughing at dumb jokes and flicking corn Niblets at each other.

  Colin couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to live without all that— any more, I guess, than I could have three months ago.

  The weird thing is I didn’t even know my life was perfect until suddenly it just wasn’t anymore. It was like waking up after a car crash and realizing your legs aren’t there. Who even thinks about how great walking is before something like that happens?

  The word crippled pops into my head, and that’s enough to get me started again. I have to close my eyes.