Through The Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  As my father excused us, I walked Ethan to the door. “I guess I’ll need to get home. School tomorrow and all,” he said.

  I lightly grabbed him. “I don’t think they heard you.”

  Smiling ruefully at me, he said, “Will you walk me to my car?”

  “Of course,” I said.

  Outside in the darkness, he and I met on the driver’s side of the massive SUV. With the tinted windows and darkness, we couldn’t be seen.

  “I missed you, princess,” he said.

  Whispering against his mouth, I said, “I missed you, Obi Wan.”

  Laughing, he said, “I think you meant Han Solo.”

  “I don’t know. Blame Bradley and his desire for us to see all the classics.”

  “Can I hold your hand tomorrow at school?” he asked.

  Looking away, I said, “Maybe we should wait.”

  “For what?” he asked.

  “Everyone’s going to know about the breakup. If I’m with you so quickly, they’ll think you were the cause.”

  “I don’t care about what everyone thinks,” he said.

  Kissing him quickly, I said, “I do. Obviously there are rumors about you. You don’t need any more bad press. Let’s give it some time.”

  “Will you come over after school then?”

  “Yes,” I promised before wrapping my arms around his neck to stop talking. His kiss heated my bones and filled me with something only he could give. Knowing my Dad would be waiting for my return to the house, I pulled away and said. “Have you heard from Allie?”

  “No,” he said casually.

  “Aren’t you concerned? She said she was in town and was coming to talk to you and never showed up?” I asked.

  Shrugging, he said, “It’s likely her flight was delayed, and she didn’t have time to come see me before heading overseas. Once there, she would be busy with the film rehearsals and what not?”

  “Have you called her?” I asked, exasperatedly.

  “No. This is how Allie is. I’m used to it,” he said.

  Staring in his face, not getting his lack of concern, I said, “Can you try calling her please or her Mom?”

  Now he frowned. “I’ll call her. But her Mom doesn’t exactly like me. She says I’m the reason her daughter is in all this trouble with drinking. And she’s right. “

  “You didn’t force alcohol down her throat, did you?” I asked.

  Shaking his head, he said, “No.”

  “Don’t blame yourself then. Just call her, okay?” I pleaded.

  “Sure, I’ll call. But it’s on you if I get an earful from her.” He kissed me just as the door opened with my Dad silhouetted in the doorway. “You better get inside,” Ethan said, grinning at me. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

  Waving, I walked passed my dad in the house, feeling fuzzy from something wonderful blossoming in my heart.

  Chapter Thirty

  Staying under the radar had been my intention. Walking into school, I passed Ethan giving him a sideways smile before heading to my own locker. There waiting for me was Josh. I should have realized that he’d be here. The last time he’d messed up, he hadn’t given in easily. But this time, he had what he wanted, my sister. So why was he here?

  Spinning my lock, I pointedly ignored him and hoped my silence would be meaning enough.

  “Jessa, you have to know I’m sorry,” he pleaded, giving me the most sorrowful look I’d ever seen.

  Sighing, I gave up on my combination because my mind wasn’t working. What to say to make him leave? “Josh, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you are a bad guy. And maybe you never set out to hurt me, but you did. And I’m not up to this right now.”

  His hand reached up, maybe to stroke my face, but another hand slapped it away. “You need to go. Now,” Ethan said, looking like a bear protecting his den. Ethan’s pointer finger was almost touching Josh’s face.

  Taking Ethan’s hand away, I linked his fingers with mine. And Josh missed none of it. “So you’re really with him now.”

  Pulling my hand back because this was exactly what I didn’t want. I could see this breakup turning around in the rumor mill as being my fault. Not that I cared, but Ethan was new. He had enough crap in his world for people to blame him for. He didn’t need the blame for why everyone’s darling, Josh, was broken up with his girlfriend. “Josh, don’t even try it. You did this. Don’t blame anyone else.” I spouted off at the mouth.

  “And you didn’t even give me a chance to explain,” he said, resoundingly.

  Ethan looked ready to pounce. I took his forearm in my hand, trying to hold him back. “Chances, really?” I asked. “I gave you several. And you messed up each time.”

  Tipping his head in Ethan’s direction, Josh said, “Do you know what they say about what he did?”

  “Stop, Josh. This isn’t about Ethan. Please,” I paused. “Just go.”

  “Yeah, Macon, leave,” Ethan said.

  Josh was vibrating with anger. “What did you say to her to poison her against me?”

  “I didn’t have to say anything. You buried yourself,” Ethan said, rising to Josh’s bait.

  “Please,” I said, backing up Ethan.

  Josh said, “Just let me just talk to you for one minute.”

  “Not today, okay?” I said, weary of the people standing in the halls. I so hoped this confrontation didn’t end up on YouTube.

  “I’ll call you,” Josh said and backed off. With him walking away, I said nothing, letting him have the last word. There was just no point otherwise.

  Ethan pressed his shoulder against the adjoining locker to mine. I went back to trying to remember my combination. When it clicked, I opened it and quickly switched out books getting ready for first period.

  “I don’t blame him,” Ethan rattled out. Closing my locker with a twang, I looked at him. Seeing that I was confused by his statement, he added, “I would fight to keep you, too. He didn’t know what a good thing he had until it was gone.”

  His words had a calming effect on me. The sly grin on his face only added to my teasing him. I said, “So cliché, Mr. Hart.”

  “But true,” he said, his eyes seemingly growing dark. The desire to kiss me was plain on his face.

  Playfully, I stepped back. Out of his reach, I said, “See you later, Mr. Hart,” and headed off to class.

  All thoughts of my confrontation with Josh gone, I couldn’t stop smiling as Ethan did his best to get my attention later in our third period class. Thankfully, I was able to ignore him mostly.

  Walking into lunch, Madison waved me over like she was air traffic control. All she needed was the orange cones and blinking lights. “Can you be any more obvious?” I chided. I wasn’t mad, but attention isn’t what I was looking for.

  “Josh cornered me earlier,” she began. “He’s begging me to talk to you. The boy’s got it bad.”

  “The boy has it wrong. He called me Jenna, and then I caught him kissing her. I can’t do it,” I protested.

  “Okay, okay,” she said. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

  Bradley walked over with purpose. “I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, but Josh and Ethan got in a fight.”

  “What?” I demanded. Before Bradley could answer, I got a text on my phone.

  Going home. Come over later. It read.

  Closing my mouth, I didn’t know how to react. I never had two boys fight over me. Jenna walked into the lunchroom and gave me a clear “I hate you” glare. My sister and I had fought before. But it was always something stupid. This was different. Part of me ached to go to her and work things out. But the rational side of my brain said that she needed to be the one to try and work things out with me.

  “You have to admit,” Bradley started talking. With the full force of my attention back on him, he continued, “Now that you, um…” Gesturing with his hand wildly up and down in front of me, I think I got what he was trying to say. “Um…”

  He was failing, and I gave hi
m a life raft, “Lost weight,” I said flatly, not amused with the direction of this conversation.

  “Yeah, well, you and Jenna do look a lot more alike,” he finished.

  Looking over at Madison, she looked down, up, and to the side, anything other than meeting my gaze. So she agreed with him. “So, I should forgive him. Is that what you both are saying?”

  They shook their collective heads. Pissed as I was, I managed not to yell, “Good, because for a moment I thought maybe you guys were on his side.”

  Madison shot Bradley a look, then said, “We just want the best for you. And I mean, how much do you really know about Ethan?”

  “Not you, too,” I sighed. “How much do I know about Josh other than he likes my sister more than me? Ethan has been nothing but a good friend. And I really like him. I hope you guys will support me.”

  They nodded together. We ate the rest of lunch in silence. The rest of the day, I spent lost in thought while trying to pay attention in class. Art class was weird with Ethan missing. I heard the murmurs of students about the fight I missed. I didn’t listen because who knew how the story had changed from the actual events by now. I would get the full story from Ethan tonight.

  When class was over, Mr. Miller asked me to stay. Thinking he was going to ask me about Ethan, I braced myself. “I hope you don’t mind,” he said. “But Ethan showed me some of your pictures.”

  Surprise was an understatement. “Really?” I said.

  “Don’t be mad at him. He thought you were really good and wanted my opinion, and I have to agree. He told me how you guys developed the film yourselves. I have to say, I’m impressed. Technology the way it is, it is much simpler to use a digital camera and manipulate the prints the way you want. To see raw film that isn’t perfected through photo editing is really good. I wondered if you would mind if I submit your picture on your behalf in a couple of contests.”

  Stupefied that my teacher was giving me such a compliment, I nodded and said, “Sure. That sounds great.”

  “Good, once I submit, I’ll copy you on the confirmation. There may be some in which you may have to submit yourself. For those, I’ll bring you the contest information, and you can decide if you want to enter.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  However my day didn’t end that way. After getting the books I would need for studying and homework, I saw Lucy standing with her pouty mouth turned upside down. Knowing what was coming, I braced myself.

  “I never thought of you as a slut, but Jessa, you’ve really outdone yourself. Dumping Josh for Ethan was a mistake. Josh probably really liked you, but Ethan will only use you until I take him back,” she said with hands on her hips.

  “Is that so?” I said annoyed.

  “Yes. If I were you, I wouldn’t get feelings for him. He’ll run, and you’ll be left heartbroken,” she said, before rolling her eyes and stalking off.

  Of course, I didn’t believe a word she said. However, it did spark some curiosity about what went on between Ethan and her. I’d have to ask him about it.

  On the way home, I asked Bradley to make a pit stop. Still feeling bad about lunch, he didn’t give me any flack.

  Alone in my house, I still closed the door to the bathroom. Studying myself, I saw what my friends saw, Jenna. And I knew it was time for a drastic change. The box on the counter of non-permanent hair color would give me a chance to try a new path.

  I’d already studied the instructions, googled them and was pretty sure what I was getting into. An hour later, I looked at myself and smiled. For the first time, I wasn’t a version of Jenna. It was interesting how much hair color can change your appearance.

  Hearing my sister bang through the hallway and into her room, I slipped out with my keys in hand. I’d already talked to my Mom and told her I wouldn’t be home for dinner. Thankfully, my parents hadn’t made it home yet. I wouldn’t have to explain my now brunette hair color.

  Feeling freed, I wasn’t a total wreck wondering how Ethan would react. I didn’t think he would mind. Parking in front of his house, I picked up my camera. I wanted pictures of this moment.

  When he opened the door, we both stood shocked. His cheek was red and slightly swollen. “Your hair,” he said.

  “Your face,” I retorted.

  His hand touched my hair in disbelief. My hand lightly brushed his cheek. It was cool to the touch. “Have you been icing it?”

  “Yes,” he answered. “Don’t get me wrong, I would think you are beautiful even if your hair was green. But why?”

  Shrugging, I said, “Just needed a change.”

  Tugging me in the door, he closed it by pressing me against it. His lips were warm despite the coolness wafting off his cheek. “I’ve wanted to do that all day,” he admitted.

  When he looked at me, he made me feel pretty. I wanted to drown in the blue pools of his eyes, but I needed an answer to a question. “Why did you fight him?”

  His eyes danced to the ground, before he took a step back. Shifting on his feet, he started to walk away. “He called me a murderer and you my next victim.”

  Catching the rage on his face by just recalling Josh’s words, I had to wonder if that was all that was said. Following him to the kitchen, I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face against his back. “It doesn’t matter what they think.”

  Taking one of my wrists, he spun me to face him. Leaning down and looking directly in my eyes, he said, “Do you believe I’m capable of that?”

  If I’d been honest, I would have told him he was scaring me right now. The pressure on my wrist made me want to wince. Then again, Ethan didn’t deserve this. If he was culpable, wouldn’t the police have caught him? Plus, I’ve been alone with him plenty of times and never once did he take advantage. He was pissed right now, and I couldn’t blame him. Because of me, people were questioning his integrity. He’d left his old school, no doubt because of all the rumors.

  “No, I don’t believe that,” I said, honestly.

  Letting go of me, he wrapped me in his embrace. His anger burned off so quickly, I was left a little bit mystified. It only took a moment for me to take in the state of his home for me to soften to him again. Ethan needed someone constant in his life who trusted him. It was probably unexplainable, but I did. Stepping back from me, he said, “I have two questions for you.”

  “Okay,” I said, hesitantly because the way he spoke was ominous.

  “Would you go with me to homecoming?”

  Most girls dreamed of this moment. I was no different. In all my years of school, no boy had ever asked me to a dance. It was bipolar of me, but I felt like doing a happy dance. Outwardly, I quietly said, “Yes.”

  Funny enough, he looked relieved like I might say no. “Good,” he sighed. Then he grew pensive. With an undercurrent of anxiety, he said, “Would you go with me somewhere on Saturday?” he asked.

  His demeanor said that this was really important. “Sure,” I answered, without any idea of where would be going. But I suspected he needed my confidence and decided I wouldn’t ask where. “Would you mind taking a picture of me?” I asked.

  That got a smile out of him. Picking up my camera from where I deposited on the counter, I handed it to him. “We should go outside while the sun is still out,” he said. The mood changed, and things were light again. I wanted to ask about Allie and Lucy, but decided to wait.

  Following him, we ended up out back in the tall golden grass. Even though the film was black and white, the outdoor light gave the shades of grey intensity. After clicking off the final shots of the roll, he said, “Stay right there.” He dropped into our hidey hole. When he came back up, he loaded my camera with film. Lifting the camera, he took the first shot. “Smile,” he said. And I did. The clicking of the camera made me bold. I started to act silly and blow kisses at him. “Now run like you want me to catch you.” Turning, I ran but turned back smiling a few times. The next time I turned, he wasn’t there.

  Stopping, I looked around. When I spu
n and landed, he was right there. His hands brushed the bare skin of my arms, and it was electric. He circled my waist, pulling me close. Closing my eyes, I tilted my head to meet his. When he didn’t kiss me, I opened my eyes, feeling slightly foolish to meet his deep stare. “I never thought I could feel this way,” he said. Biting my lips, I let a tiny smile curl my lips. “You’re just the first real thing in my life. You’re not a dream. You are here right now.”

  There are times when you should let the moment lie. And times, when your mouth should stay shut, and it doesn’t. “What about Carly?” I asked.

  “Carly was a dream, and I had to let her go so she could shine,” he said absently.

  Taking my hand, we walked back to the bunker. There we stopped. For a moment I waited before I asked, “Is there something wrong?”

  Shaking himself out of his inward thoughts, he didn’t answer my question. Instead, he asked, “Are you hungry?”

  “Yes,” I replied because I was.

  Chapter Thirty One

  Camp-style, we sat cross-legged on the floor of his living room eating Chinese. Not often getting to eat out because my mother liked to cook, I had no idea how to use chopsticks. He took it upon himself to feed me at first. It was all so romantic, like something out of a novel.

  “You’ve never had lo mein?” he asked, sounding completely astonished picking up more food destiny for my mouth.

  “No,” I confessed. “I’ve had fried rice and General Tso’s chicken, but that’s about it. My Mom is like a cooking machine. She says we shouldn’t eat all of that stuff because of preservatives and cholesterol.”

  “What about McDonald’s?” he asked, smirking at me, still holding the food at bay.

  “We had it. Not a lot, but we got to eat there when we were little on what my Mom called ‘treat days,’” I said.

  Suppressing a laugh, he asked, “So what about now that you have your own car and can go eat wherever?”