When They Do

by Sara Breaker

  I narrowed my eyes at her, pausing, sort of in astonishment before I started, “What the hell are you talking about?” I met her gaze. “Nina Simons has got nothing on you,” I told her, bracing my hands on her shoulders. “Does she have a license to practice law in three countries? Does she do volunteer work? Did she shake hands with the Dalai Lama at the Charitable Trust event last year? When was the last time Nina got asked to assist with translations at the UN? Did she just make associate at her big fancy law firm? Does she consistently beat everyone else on every kind of movie trivia game known to man?” I prompted emphatically, my eyebrows raised. “Plus…you don’t know that that diploma wasn’t fake. She could have just printed that out,” I reasoned lamely.

  At that, at least, Claire shot me a look of ridicule.

  I chuckled a little. “Look,” I started seriously, pulling her back to sit down on the edge of the bed in front of me, “you said it yourself, you were all wrong about Marco. Are you really crying in a room about that guy who likes cats? Really, that guy?”

  “No. No,” she shook her head to herself, as though collecting her wits. “I was right. The Marco that I thought I was going out with wasn’t even real at all. I imagined him. He was just this guy that I kind of liked, and then I built up the rest of his personality in my head and only saw what I wanted to see.”

  I blinked again, a bit bemused by the depth of her analysis. “Great—listen, how about we get out of here?” I proposed with a disarming smile. “I think I saw a Starbucks around the corner. We can talk it all out and—”

  Claire cut me off, rolling her eyes automatically. “God’s sake Alex, are you trying to hit on me again?”

  “What?” my eyes widened. “No.”

  She gave me an oh-please look.

  “No, seriously,” I said firmly, putting up my hands in resignation. “Just coffee.” I paused for a second. “And…if we happen to have sex afterwards well, then that’s just a bonus,” I shrugged airily.

  “Yeah, maybe for you,” Claire concluded flatly, starting to get up.

  “Oh come on, it’ll be great,” I vowed, resisting the faint urge to be actually offended. Did she just forget who she was talking to? It wasn’t like every other girl I’ve been with didn’t sing me enough praises. I basically had it on good authority that I was the best ever lay in the entire bay area, maybe even the state.

  “Goodbye Alex,” Claire brushed past me brusquely on her way towards the door.

  “Claire, Claire, Claire, come on,” I caught her shoulder lightly before she could leave. “Give me one good reason why not,” I prompted, giving her a challenging look. I had never had to work so hard to get a girl into bed before. My heart was pounding in my chest, in anxiety, in anticipation.

  Claire stopped short, unfazed. She gave me an even look before she started. “Alex, your life is a train wreck waiting to happen,” she said emphatically. “I actually feel sorry for you, and all of those girls who don’t know any better than to fall for—,” she gestured at me, “all this—your charming smile and empty promises. And I sure as shit don’t want to be around when you finally run out of steam and realize your whole entire life had been a meaningless quest, from one shag to the next.”

  My jaw dropped, speechlessly. Ouch.

  Claire blinked, her mouth slightly open, as though she knew she had said too much, but without another word, she whirled around and walked out the door.

  Marco and Nina’s New Year’s Eve

  I guessed New Year’s Eve parties were important for couples. New Year’s has that “brand new” feeling that they just can’t resist to have to share with that someone they loved, kissing at midnight, fireworks, and the usual fuss about starting the year over as if it was all that important.

  We went to a party at the Palace of Fine Arts near the waterfront. The five of us arrived at the big party in a fancy-ass limousine. The limo was Marco’s idea – something to make the night more special, or something or other. Claire was going to meet us at the party later on because she had some other lawyer-y event to attend first.

  In spite of myself, I was really looking forward to seeing Claire at the party.

  For one, I had convinced myself that what had happened at Marco and Nina’s housewarming party was just a minor setback. That if anything, I was wearing her down. And for another, thanks to my mission, it had become sort of automatic for me that every time I arrived at a party, I would have to immediately look for Claire. Like an impulse, almost an instinct.

  “Wow, this is beautiful,” Nina breathed as we stepped out to the party.

  The Palace of Fine Arts was decked to the nines with twinkly lights, and adding the disco laser lights and fake fog made the party and the night look absolutely mysterious and exciting. Like anything could happen that night. I spotted the countdown being projected onto a large screen across the lagoon. It was about two hours to midnight.

  Marco and Nina immediately headed for the dance floor. Tyler and Janice immediately went for the buffet. I followed Tyler and Janice towards the bar. Right at that moment, and for the first time ever, I felt like a fifth wheel. But I stayed by the bar, nursing my gin and tonic, resisting the urge to hit on the (again) female bartender, and visually assessing the rest of the party in case there was somewhere better I should be parked. The night was a bit crisp but I could see it didn’t stop some girls from wearing bare-all dresses. Then I stopped short, grinning, as I was reminded that neither Tyler nor Marco had the freedom to hit on any of these totally hot party girls. Ah, the perks of being the fifth wheel…

  Claire arrived at the party about a half hour later. She had come in right when a new burst of fake fog covered the steps, almost as if it was on cue. Her entrance was almost magical. And as soon as my gaze landed on her, my pulse began to race nervously, excitedly. And since I knew she would be making a beeline for them, I actually had to step away from Tyler and Janice to pull myself together first. It was very uncharacteristic. And unsettling as hell. It didn’t matter that she was just wearing a pretty sensible long black strapless dress. Though I did notice quite a few other guys had also turned to look when Claire walked in. And who could blame them? She was absolutely stunning.

  I shook my head briskly to snap out of it. This was absolutely ridiculous. To me, girls were a dime a dozen. Not one of them should elicit this type of response or reaction. It was all the fake fog’s fault. So I decided right then that there was no point abandoning tradition. I quickly ditched Tyler and Janice before Claire could walk up to us. It was Alex Keaton’s New Year’s Eve. I was going to get back out into the party crowd, enjoy myself as per usual, and hook up with the hottest girl and/or girls I could find.

  Surely, my little quest could wait one night.

  Unfortunately, Marco had other plans.

  Right around T minus ten minutes to midnight, the night delivered on the unexpected happening.

  I was about to close the deal on this really cute art school grad student, when I noticed everyone on the dance floor suddenly stop moving all at the same time, and make way for this couple – and when I looked over, what I saw bowled me over so much, I seriously almost choked on my drink.

  Marco was proposing to Nina.

  He was literally down on one knee with an open ring box in his hand. In the middle of the party. In the middle of the dance floor, like slap bang in front of the lagoon.

  It took a full second to register the implications of the event in my head, and I held my breath, my eyes widening instantly, and for the next few minutes, I frantically tried to search the masses and masses of the party crowd in the foggy darkness to spot Claire. I hadn’t been keeping track of her for a change so it was not only difficult, it was damn near impossible! Of all the goddamn nights not to have been keeping track of her!

  But she found me first.

  Claire grabbed my tux jacket and pulled me after her towards the back area, and before I even realized what was going on, she had pulled my head down and her lips had found mine
.

  Her kiss was hot, demanding. I could barely believe it, but I shifted gears easily and began to kiss her back just as passionately, backing her up against one of the columns, bracing her hands on each side.

  ***

  You know sometimes when you anticipate something so much, you think, when it finally happened, it couldn’t possibly be as good as you’ve built it up in your head?

  Oh, it was. It was so much better.

  I collapsed on my back against the bed breathlessly, my mind still whirling. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. More to the point, I couldn’t believe how good it felt. I creased my forehead, somewhat bewildered, still trying to catch my breath. I was still shaking slightly and every inch of me was still tingling. I almost thought I was going to black out for a second.

  Claire however sat up in bed, clutching the sheets to her chest, though she too was still lightly heaving.

  The smile came to my face involuntarily. I reached out my hand to stroke her bare back, sitting up myself to plant a soft kiss on her shoulder. “That—was absolutely amazing,” I said in a low husky whisper.

  But when she glanced over and met my gaze, the expression in her eyes made me frown. She didn’t look happy at all, or comforted, or satisfied. She visibly swallowed hard, taking a deep breath and looking away, before speaking, “I shouldn’t have done that. Oh god, what have I done?”

  My frown deepened but I couldn’t quite fully grasp why. “What’s wrong?” I asked, looking concerned.

  She wouldn’t meet my gaze again. “I’ve just had sex with Alex Keaton,” she stated, sounding in shock. “I have become a notch on Alex Keaton’s bed post. Oh my god, what is wrong with me?”

  My chest constricted at her words. She made it sound so contemptible. I on the other hand couldn’t even begin to imagine regretting any second of it. In fact, strangely enough, I wanted more. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you,” I tried to reply in earnest. “You are…passionate, and sexy…and so goddamn beautiful…and you’re a wildcat in bed,” I said with a slight grin. My chest felt full. It was as though I could feel her mere presence envelope me.

  But when she spoke again, her voice broke, “He’s engaged.”

  There was a lump in my throat. She was still thinking of Marco. I raised my hand hesitantly to touch her again. I stroked her hair. “He…has no idea what he’s missing,” I told her.

  She quickly wiped her face with the back of her hand and vaulted up off the bed, putting on clothes in a hurry. “I have to get out of here,” was all she said, and after all but two minutes, she bolted out the door, slamming it shut.

  My heartbeat was pounding in my chest again.

  It finally happened! Mission accomplished! I had finally done it. Congrats to me!

  It was supposed to be time to change the sheets, have a shower, put on another suit, and head out to find the next conquest.

  Instead, I sat up in bed, my eyes pinned to the door.

  ***

  At The Irish the next day, there was quite a bit of festivity. Most of it a New Year’s day party. And then of course, there was the celebration for the brand spanking new happy news.

  Marco and Nina were engaged.

  I walked through the door just in time to catch the tail end of Tyler’s congratulatory speech at our usual booth.

  “—we’re really happy for you guys,” Tyler said, raising his glass.

  “Cheers,” Janice chimed in brightly, clinking glasses with Claire, Marco and Nina.

  Marco and Nina giggled happily as they kissed just as I arrived.

  “Whoa hey,” I called out, “stop that you two. What are you, engaged or something?” I joked.

  “Dude,” Marco pulled away from Nina to come up and give me a brotherly hug.

  “Congrats, bro,” I patted his back before glancing over at Nina. “You’re a lucky guy having locked that down,” I remarked with a teasing tone.

  “Oh Alex,” Nina said, looking embarrassed, though I couldn’t tell if it was pretend or not.

  “Hey guys,” I nodded shortly at Tyler and Janice but the moment I turned to look at Claire, she looked away. I guessed I should have expected that. The truth was that I didn’t know what to say to her. It actually served me right for being too impulsive, too focused on the goal. I never once even consider the fallout. Obviously, I’d never had to hang out the next day and pretend to be friends with any of the other girls I’d hooked up with. I had never spent the rest of the previous night racked with guilt and anxiety and anticipation either. It was very disconcerting. It was actually a relief that everyone seemed preoccupied with discussing the engagement and the upcoming wedding.

  Oh jeez, Marco was getting married. That just sunk in.

  “I absolutely love my ring,” Nina gushed to Janice and Claire. “Don’t you just love it?” she displayed her hand in front of their faces. “Marco picked it out himself. He probably knew I’d just love it.”

  “Nina wants a June wedding, of course,” Marco was telling Tyler. “I was thinking maybe Vegas.”

  “We know six months seems too soon—,” Nina was going on and on.

  “Noo,” Claire interjected, as though in ridicule.

  Nina giggled again, girlishly. “You’re right! Nothing’s too soon with true love,” she said, leaning back against Marco, who put his arm around her waist.

  “Bro, I just thought of the best bachelor party to throw for you,” Tyler told Marco.

  I creased my forehead, deciding to cut in. “Hey, if anyone’s planning the bachelor party, it is the only bachelor actually left in this group,” I pointed out.

  Marco laughed. “Just make it great, alright?” he directed. “And I don’t want that any of that low-key shit that Tyler wanted.”

  That made me laugh, and I patted Tyler’s back in consolation. “Dude, leave it to me,” I told Marco. “I’ll make sure to give you a very high-key night.”

  “Yeah, exactly! From now on, I want everything to be…legendary,” Marco declared.

  Tyler shook his head slightly. “Marco, man, you’re setting a dangerous precedent for your married life. I mean, how are you ever going to top that proposal?” he asked before gulping down his drink.

  “Yeah and anyway, how did you manage to plan that big fancy proposal without Ty or me knowing about it?” I wanted to know.

  “Some guys from work helped me. Seriously, you two are shit at keeping secrets,” Marco told us.

  Tyler laughed. I didn’t. I cast a brief glance over at Claire again, but she seemed highly concentrated on what Nina was saying.

  Nina had her phone out and was showing everyone like two hundred pictures from last night’s proposal. “I thought it was absolutely perfect,” she breathed dreamily. “It was the absolute perfect way to kick off our New Year’s together. I tried looking for you all afterwards for a toast, but the party was absolutely crazy! Like, Ty and Janice were there at the bar. But I couldn’t find you, Claire. And you were gone too, Alex,” she glanced up at me, touching my arm briefly.

  “Yeah, where did you guys go anyway? We didn’t see you after the midnight countdown,” Janice asked, though she sounded less than curious as she refilled her drink from the bottle.

  I shot Claire another quick look, but she was pretending to be checking her phone. “I uh…I hooked up with a girl, of course,” I replied nonchalantly, in a manner so as not to invite any further questions, with a sort of ‘nothing to see here’ shrug.

  “Claire—,” Janice began.

  “I’m busy,” Claire waved quickly, seriously committing to her checking-the-phone bit.

  “Fine, she doesn’t care,” Janice drawled before turning to me. “Ty and I met this guy we thought Claire should hook up with last night,” she relayed. “He’s an architect.”

  I pursed my lips, unsure how I was supposed to react. “Mm-hmm, that sounds interesting,” was all I said. An architect. That seemed stable, and responsible, and mature. I frowned. He was probably also the nicest guy
in the world. I didn’t want to listen to the rest of the story but Marco and Nina were making out across the table so I obviously had to look the other way.

  “Claire—Claire, did you hear me?” Janice whacked Claire’s arm, making her begrudgingly put down her phone. “An architect,” she repeated, nodding in a prompt.

  “Janice,” Claire groaned loudly, “you know I hate being set up. And frankly, I don’t think I really trust your judgment.”

  “Oh come on, I found Ty well enough on my own, didn’t I?” Janice said stubbornly though good-naturedly. “And he’s a perfectly decent guy. What could it hurt? It’s not like you’re seeing anyone right now. How long has it been anyway since your last date…?” she creased her forehead as if straining to actually remember.

  I saw Claire take a deep breath, her façade beginning to show cracks. Knowing what I knew, I was actually amazed how much of this dribble Claire could put up with. I would have thought that Nina’s onslaught of gush would already have been too much for Claire. But amazingly enough, it still wasn’t.

  “Look, blind dates are almost as bad as internet dating. They’re for old maids and suckers. They’re just not my thing,” Claire rationalized. “So thanks but no thanks.”

  “We’re not saying you’re any of those things, Claire,” Tyler put in. “We just think it’s not a bad way to meet new people either.”

  “But you won’t even know each other, and you’re obliged to be too polite, you never know where you stand—no, no,” Claire shook her head firmly. “Hard pass.”

  “But he could be just the guy you’ve been looking for!” Janice insisted. “And if he’s not,” she shrugged, “then maybe you just do it Alex-style, you know? Go big the one night?” she quipped with a grin.