“I’m going to marry you one day.”
I sighed contently. “You better.”
I drape my arm over my face as if that will make the memory go away. Coffee. That will help. Now, how do I get up?
After untangling the sheets from my body and stopping the room from spinning, I make my way into the kitchen.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
“Not so loud. You picked us up?” Tristan is sitting at the kitchen bar drinking coffee. He nods.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to. It was really late.” I grab a mug from the cupboard and pour myself coffee.
“I was nearby. Besides, any excuse to see Katie.” He winks. These two are so into each other.
I nod and sip my coffee in silence. My body feels too heavy to move any faster than a turtle, but I finally plop onto the stool next to him.
“Did you have fun at the gala?” Oh God, he wants to make small talk.
“Yes.”
“Good. I’ve heard a lot about you. Katie was so happy when you were moving back to the States. I think she told the whole world her best friend was coming back. So, you and Ethan, huh?”
“It’s not like that. We’re friends.”
“Okay.” He shrugs and drinks his coffee, dropping the conversation. Finally, some silence.
“Well, I’ll be damned. Did we get shit faced last night or what?”
“Why do you have to yell, Katie?” I close my eyes shut, hoping it will make the headache go away. Tristan chuckles next to me.
“Good morning to you, too, Ava. Be happy. We’re young and free, and I got laid by a hot guy last night.”
“Damn straight you did.” I hear something that sounds like a slap, and Katie yelps. Great, they’re getting frisky. I peek one eye open and stare at Katie.
“TMI?” She laughs.
“Just a bit. I’m going to shower before you two decide to go at it on the kitchen counter.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Katie says over her shoulder as she serves herself a cup of coffee.
“Ugh. If you do, Clorox it down when you’re done.”
There’s nothing I need more than a shower. Thinking back to my conversation with Ethan on Friday night, I have to admit that he’s right. Our relationship won’t be the same. We’re different people, but wouldn’t that have happened anyways. Whether we stayed together or not, our relationship would’ve changed. We struggled through something major, and there’s no way we left unchanged.
He seemed so honest, so open, when he apologized and told me what he wants. He makes it seem so easy. Forgive and start over. But what if I get sick again. Once you have cancer, there’s always a risk of it coming back. Has he matured enough to stay by my side or is he just going to run again?
I don’t doubt he loves me. Aiden told me to stop being so naïve. He was right. I’m not stupid. I see it in his face. I saw it on Friday when he picked me up for the gala. It was just easier to deny it. Same way it was easier to deny that I love him because I thought the right thing to do was to move on. Forget him and leave the way he left me. But who are we kidding? He was everywhere I went. I could’ve left to the fucking moon and he would’ve been right there with me. How can he prove himself to me if I don’t give him the chance to?
I finish my shower with more questions than when I entered it. However, these questions have answers. Well, most do anyway. There’s really no way of knowing if he’ll stay or leave if I ever get sick again. That will be a risk I need to take. Same way I don’t know if the cancer will come back. The odds are that it won’t. The rest is pretty clear. He loves me. I love him. Should be easy, right? At least I’ve got my feelings sorted.
For now, I’ll focus on planning my birthday before Katie goes crazy and invites Magnolia Thunderpussy’s whole family and then some. One Thunderpussy is enough for me.
I dress quickly and head out to the kitchen, hoping I don’t catch Tristan and Katie spread out on the kitchen counter.
“You look spiffy. Are you ready? I’ll just change quickly.” Katie is wrapped in her towel rinsing out her mug.
“I’ll wait for you out here.” I take a glance at the pictures on the wall behind the sofa. There is one of Ethan and I in my room. He is hugging me from behind as I’m taking a picture of us in the mirror. We’re both in our pajamas and I’m smiling, even though the camera hides half of my face. He is lightly kissing the top of my head in that sweet and gentle way he always did.
Katie leaps into the living room. “Ready sweets? Let’s get to party planning!”
Chapter 19
Ava
Katie’s all hell-bent about making my party a themed party. Honestly, I think it could be fun, but she’s so over the top sometimes, it scares me what she might come up with. We’ve just arrived to Susan’s boutique. She’s the party planner my family has been using ever since I can remember. She is amazing!
Her ideas are original and exotic. She knows how to combine elegance with eccentricity in a perfect balance, and her boutique displays that.
“Sweetie, I am so happy to see you! I’ve missed seeing you around. I know Europe was fab. Your mom kept me up to date.” Susan wraps her arms around me kindly. “Hi Katie, always a pleasure seeing you. Are you ladies ready to plan an out of this world party?” She claps her hands excitedly.
We head back to her office and talk details. I know she’s the best planner in the city and offers catering and bartending, but I want to discuss décor. What style to go for and what theme to do.
“Take a seat ladies.” Susan motions to the chairs in her office. “Tell me your plans. What day are you planning on having the party? You two always come up with fabulous ideas.”
“April 10th, the day of her birthday. We want to have a theme party!” Katie jumps in quickly before allowing me a chance to speak.
“I love it. What were you thinking?” Susan looks my way expectantly.
“Eighties theme. Think Madonna “Like a Virgin,” Cindy Lauper “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” Whitney Houston “How Will I Know.” We want to recreate the 80s. Not cheesy, but seriously go back to it. Make people feel like they’ve stepped back in time.” Katie has taken over.
“So you want neon lights, geometric shapes and some rocking cocktails. I can totally work with that. It will take place in your parents’ house, Ava, so how about we hang a slinky chandelier from the pergola outside, using different colored slinkies and small lights to shine inside them? We can also have a Polaroid photo booth with props for people to take photos with them. Definitely, a signature cocktail. You like Martinis. How does a Pop Rocks Martini sound?” She says as she takes notes on a pad.
“Wow, that all sounds great, actually.” I am surprised at how quickly she is drawing up images for my party. I know she’s talented, but the ideas are just rolling off her quickly.
We work out details of each of those ideas and add some more to it. The walls will be covered in black paper with neon paint splattered on it. The bar will be made to look like a big Rubik’s Cube and glow sticks will be available for the guests to use along with some black lights bringing out the neon.
We will have a few high top tables. Susan will use small square vases with short hot pink daisies and enclose the vases with old cassettes, creating a cube around them. From the middle of the flowers, she will place 80s phrases in word bubbles.
I decide on a cake design with different 80s décor, but leave the final product up to her. I trust her wholly, and I want some of it to be a surprise for me, too.
I do choose the invitations right there, so she can have them out early in the week. She’s going to be kind enough to rush them since there isn’t much time. They are long and narrow, following the same color scheme of black background and neon lettering. The catchphrase says, “OMG! It’s Like Ava’s Totally 80s Bash.” I loved it! Of course, 80s attire is required. I give her a guest list Katie and I had already created for her to mail them out.
After leaving Susan to work he
r magic, Katie and I head over to the vintage store to find outfits for the party. It’s still a few weeks away, but you can never turn down the chance to shop at a vintage store, especially if you’re looking for 80s attire.
I’m searching through one rack and Katie is off to the other side, rummaging through the racks like a crazy woman.
“Yes! Flashdance!” Katie squeals. She’s holding a gray sweater. “I’m buying it! Have you found anything?”
“Not yet.” I continue my search. I find a white bodice that reminds me of Madonna’s Boy Toy outfit. I’m sure I can find a white tulle skirt around here to pair it with.
“Love this!” Katie says excitedly. “You can wear black lace leggings under and a belt at your waist. I‘ll tease your hair!”
“Yeah, kind of reminds me of Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ video.”
“Oh sweetie, we both know you’re not a virgin. You can wear white all you want, but as soon as Ethan gets his chance, he’s going to make you forget what the word means. You may be going through a dry spell, but you’re not that innocent,” she teases.
I gape at her in disbelief. It’s true. I’m not a virgin, but she makes it seem like I’m the one who sleeps around. I’m so glad she had to clarify what she meant by throwing the dry spell in my face. I don’t need a reminder of that. Especially since I’ve been back and seen Ethan multiple times. Trust me, I am very much aware of the fact I haven’t had sex in a very long time. I squirm involuntarily at the memory of his lips crashing onto mine at the gala.
“Don’t look at me like that. I personally love the outfit. Let’s find you a tulle skirt and accessories. I need a leotard to wear under this sweater.” I laugh out loud, amused at how nonchalant she says things.
We’re starting to get very excited for the party. I have to admit, I love the idea of an 80s party. We head over to the accessories and I find a huge bow for my hair along with bangles and different necklaces to mix and match. All I need are shoes and leggings and I’ll be ready. Katie finds her leotard and grabs a pair of black leg warmers.
Once we pay, we head out to eat something. We’re having lunch near the lake. The weather has been nicer lately, and families are out enjoying the day. I finally feel a bit of heat warm up my body, and the sky is clearer. The weather is crazy, just Friday night it was freezing cold.
This weekend has been jam packed with many different emotions, and what has been three days, has felt like an eternity. The gala feels like it happened years ago, and it’s only been two days.
I’m admiring a family sitting near us in the small restaurant. They’re a family of four; a young couple and two small children, a boy and a girl. I can’t help but admire how happy they seem. The children, no more than four and five, are playing peacefully and laughing at some silly game they’re playing on their placemats.
It’s a general truth that when you can’t have something, you want it even more. I was young when I got cancer, but I always wanted children one day. I look over at the children, smiling to myself at how nice it would be to have children of my own.
“Ava, you will need to have a hysterectomy. That means we’ll have to remove your uterus and cervix to make sure we get rid of all the cancer. You won’t be able to have children. But it’s either we do this, or risk endangering yourself more in the future. I understand how hard this is, but you need to do this now,” Dr. Kelley said, explaining the process.
No children? I would never be able to carry my own children. More than that, it’s the fact that I felt I had lost my womanhood. One of the things that empowers us women is bearing children. I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. What would Ethan think? Would he still want me?
I had so many questions, but if I didn’t decide to save myself, I wouldn’t live to get those questions answered. I always wanted a family. I wanted to have children of my own. How could Dr. Kelley tell me so calmly that I wouldn’t have them?
The tears began, and I couldn’t control it. I let it out; the fear, reality, truth of what was happening. At that point, I gave up and let go of control. I no longer had the choice to have certain things in life. I was done. My life was done. Now I was going to start living as a cancer patient. This wasn’t a case where you are cured and you forget what happened. No, the side effects of this monster would carry on with me forever. A reminder of what once was.
I just hoped I survived. And by some miracle, I could have children, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I was no longer a woman. I was… I was nothing.
“Hey, you okay?” Katie brings me back from the horrible memory.
“Yeah, sorry. I spaced.”
“You’ve been doing that a lot lately.” She looks around trying to figure out what sparked my memory and catches me eyeing the small family.
“You know Ethan didn’t care about that. He just wanted you. I can’t imagine what you went through, but I was there with you, watching you fight and suffer. He loves you and that’s all that matters to him. That you are alive.” Katie reaches out and squeezes my hand. It amazes me how she always knows what’s going on in this head of mine. It isn’t often that we talk about my sickness. I know it was hard on her, too. We’re like sisters, and you never want someone you love to suffer like that.
As we’re finishing lunch, I get a call from Jess. She’ll be on Spring Break and wants to get together this week to see my photos. We plan on meeting on Wednesday after work.
The rest of our Sunday is relaxing, discussing the party and sharing our excitement about it. I look forward to work tomorrow and meeting Jess later in the week. The memory of the horrid giant that shadows me put away in Pandora’s box for a little while.
∞
It’s been a slower day at work, so I’ve been able to catch up on portfolios and contact some new artists. Morgan Taylor came by in the morning, and I was able to meet her. She seems nice and happy to have me on board. We spoke about her exhibit, what she’s currently working on and the pieces I’ve sold. Elle had already gotten me up to date when I began working, but it’s nice to hear from the artist herself.
Around lunchtime my phone vibrates with an incoming text message. Unsure of who it could be, I open it quickly and stare at it confused.
Hey, I was wondering if you were free for lunch. It’s Matt. I already told him there was nothing between us besides friendship.
I’m at work, sorry. I try being nice.
I could take you lunch. Maybe pick up something from that Greek restaurant I mentioned the other night. Why is he insisting so much?
Matt, I already told you you’ve been a nice friend, but I don’t see anything more than that between us. I don’t want you to misinterpret my feelings.
I just want to have lunch with you.
I’m busy, sorry.
How about tonight? Dinner? God, he is being persistent. Bring me lunch here? Was he serious about that? And dinner tonight?
I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I prefer we didn’t. I’m trying to let him down easy. I don’t hear back from him for a few minutes, and I think he’s gotten the message.
I go back to work, but all this talk about food has made me hungry. It’s past noon, so I decide to take my lunch break and head out to the deli next door to grab a sandwich.
As I’m paying, I feel my phone again.
You don’t want to go out with me because you went to the gala with Ethan, right? He’ll just fuck with you again. That does me in. Who the hell does he think he is to ask me that question? So what if I did. That’s none of his business and how dare he say that Ethan will fuck with me again.
I knew it was weird he was being so persistent. He has no right to tell me who I should or shouldn’t see, and how Ethan will treat me.
I choose to ignore it, but can’t help the unwelcome feeling creeping inside me. I instantly remember how Matt acted on our first date when he spoke about Ethan. I got the sense then that he was competing, proving a point for some stupid high school vendetta. Matt was always a nice guy
to me, but I know many other people that spoke about his arrogance. And right now, I’m seeing it.
I push all thoughts of Matt aside as I get back to work and hope my lack of response speaks for me. I’m not about to be questioned by him or anyone else for my decision to attend that gala.
∞
Jess is on her way over today, and I’m excited to get to know her better. There’s something about her that is peaceful. She seems genuine, and that’s a quality that is hard to find around here.
I picked up a bottle of white wine and hummus and pita chips to snack on. I’m not over the top like my mom, but a host always needs to have something to offer her guests.
As I’m changing out of my work clothes, I hear the doorbell ring. I throw on my shirt quickly and run to open the door.
“Hey, Jess. Come in.”
“Thanks. How are you?”
“Great! How about you? Are you happy to be on break?” I smile kindly at her.
“Absolutely! I needed some time off. It’s one of the perks of teaching.” She returns the sentiment, and I lead her into the living room.
I have my photos out already. “Take a seat. You can start looking through them if you want. Do you want white wine?” I say, reaching for two glasses in the top cupboard.
“Yes, please. I could use a drink. Dan’s been nonstop today asking if I want to go away for a weekend. He’s been pestering me all day. I told him to plan whatever he wanted and let me know,” she sighs, annoyed.
I can’t help but laugh. “Sorry, I just know Dan too well. I love that guy, but he can be intense at times.”
“Tell me about it,” Jess chuckles.
“How did you two meet?” I am curious to know how Dan was hooked into a serious relationship. Jess isn’t someone I’ve seen before, so that means she isn’t your typical Chicago socialite.
“He came up to me at a bar when I was out with some girlfriends. He literally said, ‘Hey, people call me Dan, but you can call me tonight.’ I spit my drink all over him. I swear I almost choked laughing. I thought it was the most ridiculous pick-up line ever. Isn’t that what you hear in cheesy movies?” She laughs as she remembers.
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