Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  “A superhero,” I said, mouth agape. I rolled my eyes and backed up a foot from them. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “We are not joking. We need you to take your role seriously. We need you to be Amanda. A heroine,” said Raja. She narrowed her eyes at me and shook her head.

  “A preserver of good and a destroyer of evil,” said Jill. She flexed her muscular arms. Yeah, she looked like she could kick some major butt.

  “A soul mate,” said Chris. A crooked smile played at his lips as if he thought I might object to that. The use of the word “soul mate” was confusing. I understood, though. It was a seldom-used term, not something I’d hear someone I knew say. But he was nothing like any teenager I’d ever known. It made my insides melt that he thought of me that way. I’d take that job any day. Well, I needed to get answers first, and then I’d happily be with him.

  “I get it. You all think I’m some superhero. Which I must note is the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not a superhero.” Everyone frowned – except for Chris who smirked at my words. “Um, also, not sure who this Amanda chick is, but I’m not her. That said, you still haven’t answered any real questions. I need answers. Now.” Yeah, the chicken in me was subdued for the moment.

  If they thought I was a superhero then they also believed I was powerful. So I could get away with a small hissy fit until they realized they came to the wrong house. Or planet.

  “Okay, princess. Sit down before I tell you this. And promise to allow me to explain everything before you interrupt. Do you promise?” Chris asked. He wasn’t smirking and his face was serious. I swallowed hard.

  “Yes,” I whispered, breathless. He smiled and pushed me to sit on the bed. My pulse quickened and my heartbeat accelerated again. I’d finally understand why this was happening to me and why they seemed so comfortable around this madness. I sat on my bed and braced myself for a scientific-experiment-gone-wrong story…or something like that.

  “All of us in this room comprise a…team. We’ve existed for decades in five other universes for the sole purpose of stopping the potential destruction of all humankind,” Chris said hurriedly, bunching the words together.

  Despite my promise, I found the story hilarious and howled with laughter. I had to hold my abdomen as the laughter shook my body. I laughed so hard my sides cramped and I teared up. No one said anything, moved or joined in the laughter. So, after some time, I quieted. It wasn’t fun if no one else joined in. And maybe I’d gone a little mad because maybe it wasn’t that funny.

  “Are you serious?” I asked. I needed to calm myself. These kids could rip me apart, I reminded myself. “If you don’t want to tell me then–”

  “You agreed to not interrupt,” the girl named Raja said, frowning at me. “Would you like me to restrain her mouth and hands, Chris?” She took a step toward me. I jumped and cringed behind Chris. She was wicked scary! Note to self: try to stay on her good side.

  Chris pushed me back to the bed and continued, unperturbed by my interruption and not taking Raja up on her offer. “Six separate universes exist in the Milky Way Galaxy. Each of us has existed on all of them for the purpose of capturing the being that will be responsible for the death of every human in all six universes.”

  “Ooookay,” I said, frowning up at him. I didn’t particularly see how that had anything to do with me or my supposed superpowers. Was he saying I was from these other universes – one of the six he was referring to? I almost laughed again. But the stern expression on Raja’s face – those narrowed eyes and pursed lips – made me stop. Chill, please.

  “You’re a superhero sent to save the world,” Raja said. She appeared irked again by my reaction. Seriously! It was possible she was crazy if she believed all this. I wasn’t certain if crazy people had much of a sense of humor. So maybe I shouldn’t expect a smile from her anytime soon.

  “On each universe when we reach the age of twelve we become enlightened to our true purpose. After enlightenment, we find each other and actively seek the ENO until we die,” Chris continued.

  “What is an ENO?” I looked directly at Chris and no one else. I didn’t even want to look at Raja. Was crazy contagious?

  “The ENO stands for Enemy Number One. He’s our target. We suspect he’s the reason for our powers. We made up the name ENO a few lives ago as a joke. But it stuck. It’s not scientific, but we’re only teenagers.” This amused everyone else and they doubled over. I gawked at them. I didn’t understand what was so funny, which wasn’t entirely surprising.

  “We’re supposed to find and destroy him. But he continually eludes us – he’s a crafty killer. He plans to destroy us, then all of our universes, starting with Earth’s first,” Chris finished explaining. I exhaled a deep breath and shook my head. He’s too cute to be insane.

  “He’s from some far away galaxy. We haven’t been able to pinpoint his exact home yet. Or who or what he really is. Before we can destroy him, however, we must determine how he plans to wipe out everyone else.” He rolled his head and his eyes in the direction of everyone else. “This part is proving to be the most difficult for us.”

  “You left out a major detail,” said Sam. Chris shook his head in her direction. She scrunched her eyebrows together as if she might be upset, then nodded slowly. I recognized what they were doing. They were talking with their minds again.

  Chris turned and looked at me. “I don’t think we should explain that yet.” Oh great, there’s more. I stared at the floor as my stomach flipped upside down. What were they keeping from me now? Am I really a boy, a mermaid? Or maybe I have two heads instead of one and only people from other universes can see it – or people who thought they were from other universes. I looked up to find them engrossed in another of their private inner conversations. I collapsed on the edge of the bed. Heat rose and invaded my cheeks. I could feel an explosion ready to burst within me.

  “Explain what?” I asked, my voice elevated an octave. This was all too creepy. Deep down I knew their story wasn’t entirely false, but could it be entirely true? And how could they leave me out of the conversation when they talked about me?

  My entire life was devoted to doing the right thing. To making sure everyone around me was okay with the decisions I made. Now I’m supposed to just be okay with having to devote the remainder of my life to a cause that I didn’t understand and couldn’t fathom?

  I wanted to scream. To really howl. I wanted to claw at someone. To throw a proper tantrum, to cry until my tears filled this whole house. I wanted to hit someone. Instead, I did what I thought was expected, as usual. I bit my lower lip and tried to follow their conversation.

  Chris looked around at each of them and they each nodded . I assumed they were approving something he said to them, again using their minds to speak. Insanity, meet Chloe! Actually, we’re well acquainted.

  He turned and peered sidelong at me for a moment. As if he were trying to determine if he was going to tell me something. “Um…there’s one detail that we think you should know up front.”

  “Okay.” I said, looking nervously from his face to everyone else.

  “At the age of 18, on all previous universes, if we hadn’t discovered the ENO…we died. Earth’s is the sixth and final universe. If we fail here all of humanity will die with us,” Chris explained.

  “No, thanks.” I rose from my bed and crossed the room in long strides. The gravity of the situation was sinking in. “I don’t want to do it. I don’t want any involvement.” No one moved or said anything. They stared at me with hard, cold eyes – everyone but Sam. Her eyes were squinted in a sympathetic manner. She seemed to understand what I was going through. At least that was what her face said. “I’m sorry. But if you all feel you must catch this ENO person, I’ll keep your secret. I won’t blab. I promise. But, in all fairness, I can’t participate. I would suck at being a superhero. The powers are great and all, but I’ll give those back, too. I’m a natural chicken...by nature, I mean. I’d ge
t us all killed before this ENO could do it.”

  Everyone but Chris laughed.

  “You don’t get a choice. None of us had a choice. And you can’t give the powers back, they’re yours. For life,” said Joseph in his deep baritone voice. He glared at me with stony eyes and squared his jaw. Gulp.

  “Of course she gets a choice,” Chris said. “We all had a choice, initially. It’s just unfortunate that we’re so close to the end.” He turned to me, pleading with his beautiful cappuccino eyes. “Think of your family, all the people you love. They’ll all die. Can we defeat the ENO without you? Possibly. But I don’t want to take that chance. We need you.”

  I didn’t move or speak. My tongue was held in place by the fear of dying young.

  “Chris, you have your work cut out for you. You need to get her straight within a couple of weeks. If she can just remember she’s Amanda we’ll be fine. Amanda’s not a coward. She’ll have to become Amanda or we’ll have to move on without her,” Joseph said. He shook his head. “If that’s even possible.”

  “Chris, I don’t have any real power. I–”

  “Yes, you do,” he said. “You have a massive amount of power. I’ve never met anyone as powerful as you. Don’t write us off. Please. Agree to let me prove it to you. I can’t do this without you. I need you. I need Amanda,” he paused and looked reflectively at the others then back to me. He sighed softly. “I miss her.”

  “What you’re saying...what you’re all saying...is you knew me. Before...on the other five universes. Me,” I said again and pointed to myself for emphasis. No one spoke or moved a muscle. “Why can’t I recall any of you then? Or anything else about the other universes, and you all can?”

  “We do not have a definitive answer to that yet,” said Raja, “but we are devising a theory now. The truth is we have known you for five universes. You.” She pointed at me. “The only difference is your name has been Amanda. And you are–”

  Chris looked at her and shook his head discouragingly before she could finish her statement. She and Chris were inner talking again, and she shook her head at something he thought, the others following suit.

  He turned to stare at me again. He grabbed my hands and held them between his. “Believe us, give us a chance, please.”

  God, when you put it like that, cutie...

  Ms. Graves’s words earlier rang in my head. No doubt, this was what she warned me against, joining an unknown group. I was certain it was, and as much as I would have liked to turn Chris down, I couldn’t. My actions mortified me. In theory, saying no to Chris should have been easy. It wasn’t though.

  I would do this because he wanted me to. Because somehow, we had a connection. Those feelings gave his story plausibility. If I accepted what he said, I’d be able to see him more. That fact alone cinched the deal for me. The sad part: I knew I was no superhero. A coward, a nerd, even a diva sometimes, but definitely not a superhero. Sure, go forth, slay dragons and conquer foul beast, all in the name of a crush. How absurd am I?

  “I–I can try. I can’t make any promises. But I’ll allow you to prove these things to me and if you can...turn me into this brave superhero, then I’ll agree to help,” I smiled at him crookedly. At least I hoped it looked like a smile.

  “I can make you do it,” he said. The sly smile returned to his face and he stepped toward me. He hadn’t even touched me and the heat generating from his body to mine was overwhelming. “I am a great deal stronger than you right now.”

  “So you mean you’re more of a freak than I am for the moment.” I threw a cautious glance at the others. “Uh, no offense, guys.” Everyone dissolved into laughter. Then as suddenly as they appeared, they vanished. They were all gone, leaving only Chris and me.

  I looked at Chris, amazed. “Where did they go?”

  “They left so we could talk. Privately.” He sat on the edge of my bed and avoided my eyes for a long moment. He rubbed his hands together, his lips in a tight straight line. Was he nervous? Usually he embodied confidence.

  “Can you keep an open mind?” He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to his side. The places his hands rested as he turned me were set aflame. Desire rose and swelled inside me. I recalled the sensation of him kissing my neck. How I could barely breathe or stand on my own two feet. What would a kiss on the lips do to me?

  He didn’t speak and neither did I. Then he leaned forward and pulled my head down to his chest. He wrapped his muscular arms around me. Oh. I’ve spontaneously combusted and the fire is slick and hot and coursing through my entire body. Consuming me. I didn’t know I could feel this. The flames were sucking my oxygen. My breath wouldn’t catch. Oh God!

  “Breathe, Chloe,” he instructed me without releasing me from our embrace. My heart beat so loud, I was certain he could hear. I squeezed my eyes closed tight. And I took a deep steady breath. What the hell was he doing to me? With just a touch? This simple caress reverberated down my spine. Zack’s touch never rang as true as this.

  “Can you? Keep an open mind?” he asked again. He moved his hand to the small of my back and with long dexterous fingers, he shaped circles. I closed my eyes and tried to absorb all the sensations flowing through me at his touch.

  “Um.” I swallowed hard. “I think I can do that,” I finally said.

  “It feels so good to hold you. How does it feel when I touch you?” He sat me up. Then he rubbed his index finger along my jaw, then down my neck and around my collarbone. I forgot to breathe again. “We’re sorta strangers since you don’t remember me. But I noticed the others frightened you and you hid behind me. Do I make you feel safe – protected?” He was quiet, waiting for me to answer. His eyes searched mine, consuming me with every second our eyes held each other.

  But I was too embarrassed. How could I tell him how I felt when his words were true: we were strangers.

  “I can’t explain it.” Embarrassed, I lowered my eyes and stared at my fingers as they worked the frayed end of my blanket. No way was I confessing I liked him more than I should. For only knowing him a little over a week, it was shameful. I couldn’t admit that to him, though. It wouldn’t be the proper thing to do.

  “I can’t make out all that. But you shouldn’t be afraid to express your feelings. You can tell me how you feel. No threat of reproach here.” He lifted my chin so we were facing one another again.

  Dang it! I forgot he could read my mind. I had better be careful of my thoughts in his presence. I bit the inside of my lip. How in the world was I going to do that? He consumed all my thoughts.

  I didn’t answer him still. I sat and watched my knotted fingers again. He waited for me to start, not moving or becoming inpatient.

  “I…I guess my drawback is…my boyfriend. Zack. Umm, of three years…He was murdered a little over a week ago. It feels like I’m doing something wrong…how I feel, I mean. And my mother…my friends. I–I…” I turned my head away from him. My gaze concentrated out the window on our backyard. I looked at nothing in particular, but I couldn’t face him because I had the inexplicable feeling I might cry.

  “I’m sorry about what happened to your friend. But he wasn’t your boyfriend. You and I know that.” He attempted to turn my face to him again, but I wouldn’t budge. He was right. Zack wasn’t my boyfriend. How much did he know about me? “Look at me,” he ordered me when I wouldn’t on my own. Obediently, I turned to him. His full lips curled into a smile. Smiling made his face even more exquisite. Stop that! I wanted to shout. Afraid of what I might do in response to his smile.

  “I need you to be Amanda. To walk in her strength. To possess her power. I need her – we all need her. If you give yourself to me, I can unlock you. You won’t fight the inevitable so much that way.”

  “You want to unlock me,” I whispered. “What exactly does the unlocking process consist of?” I smiled like an idiot. And I didn’t recognize the beat of my heart.

  He stood and motioned for me to stand also. “Come.” I pushed myself from the bed and took my pl
ace in front of him as he instructed. “Close your eyes.”

  I kept myself still and held my breath as he tarried before me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. The electrical current, much like before, raced through me at his touch. The smell of his minty breath swirled around me as we stood together.

  “Don’t move too fast.”

  I trembled with anticipation.

  He whispered something I didn’t understand. Then my body jerked forward against him as if an invisible force pulled me. His embrace tightened. Then the wind blew my hair, the sun beat upon my face. Gravel crunched beneath my feet.

  My eyes popped open. Chris held me by the waist and peered down at me with an apprehensive expression; I assumed he was gauging my reaction. I spun my head from right to left taking in the scene. We were atop a mountain, really, really high up – somewhere in a tropical forest.

  “Oh my God,” I gripped him tighter. Frightened I might fall to my death.

  “It’s okay. I have you. I won’t let you go. I promise. I’ll never let you go.”

  I looked up into his eyes and my fear dissolved. In its place was a thirst – a longing had built, one I didn’t recognize. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn’t care anymore that he was a stranger.

  However, if a week was like three months to me, then it was one day to my parents. They provided me with a list of things that were improper for a girl of my stature. With all the social obligations forced upon me by them, that list was lengthy. That list for now, was tossed out the window. Kissing Chris was at the top of my to-do-list. He hadn’t asked though, so I wouldn’t force it. Just yet.

  “This,” he motioned with his right hand to the expanse of trees and mountains in front of us, “is our spot. On every universe, this was where we came to be alone. The others can’t hear us here. And no one else is ever this far out. It was like it was made for us.” He held me tight and looked at me as I soaked in the beautiful scene.

  Massive rock formations lined the sky above, and large snowcapped mountains peaked at every corner. A fuchsia sun burst over the horizon and cast an alluring glow on everything around us. A glistening waterfall lay to the right with a cascade of frothy water gleaming. It spilled into a body of water as pristine as I’d ever seen. And sweet smelling flowers – like orchids – perfumed the air. It was breathtaking.