Finding Me

by Dawn Brazil

  I didn’t complain anymore; it was futile. My beautification would take place no matter how I felt about it. Mother happily chatted away with Nadia and Alexis, Nadia’s sister who worked on our nails. This was the only time she appeared to relax.

  I cringed, as the little hand on the clock inched closer and closer to eight. Finally, tiring of Mother and her incessant cackling – this was the only time I could say she cackled – I announced loudly, “I have got to get home.”

  “Speaking of los niños,” said Nadia. She looked at me out the corner of her eye but totally ignored my comment. “Have you heard anything about Zackary’s case? Do they have any suspects? Any leads – cualquier cosa?” she asked. She still wouldn’t meet my eyes and I had them glued on her the entire time.

  My mother sighed softly. “They have a few leads, nothing concrete. They are looking at one possible suspect right at the high school.” She leaned forward, in a secretive crouch. “A new student who recently transferred in with a questionable background.” She arched her eyebrows and folded her arms over her chest.

  My body went limp with shock. Her words sliced through my resolve. Don’t panic, calm down, I ordered myself. I was walking a tight rope and I was so out of balance.

  Of course I’d considered Chris, and then discounted him. No possible way. Other new students were at the school, I told my racing heart. Calm down. Mother was so biased and prejudiced sometimes. I couldn’t believe everything she said.

  Though she was a lawyer, a criminal lawyer, you’d think she believed in the right of innocence until proven guilty. However, she carried deep-seated prejudice against certain groups of people, teenagers being her target for the moment.

  Once we left the salon, I asked the question that had been burning my tongue since I’d heard her comment earlier about Zack’s case. “Mother, this suspect that you mentioned, do you know who he is?” I didn’t look at her for fear she’d see how nervous I was. I bit the inside of my cheek and waited for her answer.

  “No, dear, I don’t. I wanted to distance myself from the case. Any involvement from me would present a conflict of interest. I have heard, however, that they may begin to pull students into the counselor’s office next week for more questions.”

  “Isn’t it a little late to do that? It’s been a month. Why would they not ask us immediately?” My voice arched an octave higher than I wanted. Though he sucked as a boyfriend, he was still one of my best friends and I missed him. She took a quick sideways glance at me. To calm myself, I peered out the window at the many people that we passed as she drove. I didn’t need her thinking I was crazier than she already thought I was.

  “Well, initially they concentrated their attention on another suspect. Obviously, that did not pan out, so they are looking into other possibilities. Plus, the student they suspected has now disappeared. I believe that is the reason they want to speak with the students again. To track clues that could lead to the perpetrator himself or to the suspected missing student. Poor Maureen is torn and does not know what to think. How are you holding up?” She diverted her eyes from the road to give me a once-over.

  “I’m fine. I have Tee and Em to help me through the bad days.” I looked down at my hands because I couldn’t face her glare. Stay still, Carmichael. But my hands continued to fidget nervously, as if they weren’t attached to my body and had their own separate brain.

  “That is good. You should have them to the house. I haven’t seen them in some time.”

  “I’ve had a lot on my mind. Plus a ton of make-up work for the week I missed. But I invited them over for the weekend.” Lying had become second nature.

  “Okay,” was her response as her phone rang. She talked to her caller and it appeared she’d forgotten I was even in the car at all.

  Once we reached the house, I immediately headed to my room, but she stopped me. “Chloe, I need to speak with you. Please come back down here.”

  “Uh, sure,” I said. I wanted desperately to get to my room. I bounded down the spiral staircase, taking it two and three steps at a time. No matter what she says, agree with her so you can hurry to your room. Chris was waiting.

  I entered the living room to find Mom, Dad, and Matt looking at me as if I had poop on my face. “Is there a problem? Did something bad happen?”

  “No, no problem,” Dad said. A smile spread across his handsome face. “We wanted to give you an early birthday present. We know how much you hate when we do this part in front of everyone else. So this year we decided to do it with just the family.”

  “What!” My smile was so big it hurt my cheeks. I was in awe. My family wasn’t spontaneous. Their idea of spontaneity was arriving 15 minutes early to a planned event.

  “Close your eyes,” Mother ordered me, excited.

  “Really, seriously, close my eyes?”

  “Just close your eyes, Bops, and stop being a pain,” Matt said. “I’ve got somewhere to be,” he mumbled under his breath, and then grinned mischievously at me.

  I caved and Mother blindfolded me. She turned me around in a circle three times. This was ridiculous. They were acting like I was two years old. More odd than that, I enjoyed it. My family was ritualistic and boring. Their idea of fun was reading statistical data on who were the wealthiest families in Manhattan. I welcomed this break from the norm.

  Mother lead me around the house with the blindfold on. Then she stopped. She peeled it off to reveal that we were in the living room. Still. They doubled over as I stood in front of them, wobbling back and forth to catch my balance.

  “Here you go.” Mother handed me a red velvet photo album with a shiny red ribbon wrapped around it. “Open it up.”

  I looked up at her, confused. “The big surprise, the blindfold…all of that was for a photo album?” I glanced from each of their smiling faces to the next. They were serious.

  “Open it up, Bops,” Dad said. I looked at each of them again, speechless. They were excited. It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen from my family.

  I opened the album and the first picture was of the outside of our parking garage. No one had cars at their homes in the city. My family had drivers to take us where we wanted to go. On occasion, my parents might drive but not often. And Matt drove his car during the week only. We housed our three cars in a garage on 89th Street under a special covered section.

  I flipped through the album and stopped when I came to a picture that displayed the cars. In the picture, there was a fourth car. A shiny red BMW with tinted windows. It had a large red ribbon wrapped around it.

  I braced myself on Dad’s arm. My eyes bulged as I tried to comprehend. “Is this for me?” I asked. Mother and Dad nodded yes. Matt didn’t get his car until he was eighteen and they were giving me mine at seventeen.

  “Why, uh…I don’t know what to say.” I tried to choke back my emotions and say more at the same time, but I couldn’t. My tongue was all twisted around the unshed tears ready to spill any second.

  “Say thanks,” Dad said.

  “Thanks,” I said through the basketball-sized lump in my throat.

  “You deserve this. You’re the best daughter any father could have, Bops.”

  I threw my arms around his neck, Mother and Matt joined in, and we all embraced. This moment had passed from the ridiculous to the sublime. I would have been okay with a Barbie bike if I knew this – that us embracing could be possible.

  Too soon, however, the feeling of comfort and love dissolved. A foreign emotion emerged from within me. I couldn’t discern why, but I needed to be alone, desperately. Deep within the recesses of my mind I heard something. Something terrible was about to happen. I struggled to shake the feeling and concentrate on my family and this perfect gift. But I couldn’t.

  “I love it. Thank you so much.” I meant the words, but I desperately needed to be alone. Panic seized me, squeezed tight, and wouldn’t let go. What is wrong?

  I yawned, loudly, “I’m sorry. I’m tired. I need to lie down. Too much excitement f
or one day.” I stretched my arms over my head, yawned once more, and motioned to the stairs. “Don’t you want to test drive the car?” Mother questioned. “It is still early. We can go right now.”

  “Can we save that for my actual birthday, please? I have to lie down before I pass out right here.”

  That was when I heard the voice again. It was more distinct this time. It was Chris. What did he say?

  “Of course you can,” Dad said, “but just in case.” He raised his hand and tossed me the keys. The cool metal of freedom on wheels wrapped in my hand was gratifying, but my attention was again pulled in a different direction.

  I took one more reverent glance at the car in the photo. Then at my family standing together like a perfect portrait. I ran and threw my arms around them before I sprinted up the steps.

  Once I reached the door to my room, I breathed a sigh of relief. The pull to be alone was strong. I assumed Chris or one of the others summoned me for a reason.

  Once I entered, I found I was alone. I sat on the bed trying to contain the compulsion that something terrible would happen. I sighed softly. “I don’t have a clue how to manage my emotions.”

  How could I have the level of supernatural power Chris and the others believed I had if I was frightened of breathing too hard? The greater part of me wanted to cry and I had no idea why. Your parents bought you a brand new car, a BMW, I reminded the wimpy little girl in me. You should be ecstatic right now.

  “You’re right. You don’t know how to control your emotions.”

  “Chris,” I stared into the open air. “Where are you?”

  “I’m here, princess,” he whispered in my ear. “Can you please stop fighting me so I can show you how much I missed you?”

  I held my breath with nervous anticipation. Decidedly unprepared for whatever was happening to me. The feeling of gloom that had fallen on me wouldn’t let up.

  “Baby,” Chris whispered. “What’s the matter?”

  I turned my head in the direction of his voice. He was there, looking at me, through me. “Is it true?” I asked.

  “Is what true?” He lifted my hand and ran his lips across my palm. My belly flipped upside down at his touch.

  “You – you told them…I heard.” I bit my lip, trying to concentrate on what I wanted to say. What I had to say but was hard as hell with him touching me. “I realized just now…um, I realized what you said.” Talking proved a difficult task while he caressed me; my thoughts jumbled together into incoherent nonsense. All I could think about was how incredible his touch felt. Like the radiance of the sun pouring over me slowly.

  “What was that, princess?” He pulled me so I sat beside him and stared intently into my eyes.

  “Um…you said. Um, maybe…it’s not her.” I bit down on my bottom lip to suppress the moan suspended there.

  “You heard that.” His brow lifted and he laughed softly but didn’t move. The laugh, I could tell wasn’t real. He was hiding something. Why? If only I could hear his thoughts.

  “Yes, I did. I think you should explain,” I said, barely audible. I turned my head. Unable to meet his eyes for fear he might be able to hear what I was thinking. Though I wasn’t even sure what that was now.

  “I thought you might be a little relieved about this.” Still unperturbed. “I’m also surprised you heard that part and didn’t hear the entire conversation.” He ran his finger back and forth along my jawline. I fought the part of me that wanted to stop talking. Let him hold you. No, just shut the hell up, Chloe.

  He ran a trail of kisses down the right side of my neck. My eyes fluttered closed as a shiver of delight tore through me. But I had to continue. “I’m surprised I heard any part of your conversation. But…I stopped listening. I was with my family. I didn’t want to look flaky in front of them,” I forced the words out quickly.

  “Oh, I see. You can tune us in and out at will. When were you going to tell me you could do this?” He traced patterns on my palm and waited for me to answer.

  “I didn’t know I could do it.” I slouched forward, out of his embrace. “What did I miss?” I cringed but wanted him to get on with it.

  He stopped rubbing my hand and placed his hand on his lap. I grimaced. I wanted that hand to stay there. “Look at me.” His voiced carried a certain amount of authority I wasn’t used to hearing. He switched from playful to serious in a matter of a few seconds.

  I stared into his eyes and wondered why his demeanor changed so quickly.

  “What I have to tell you is hard to explain. I need you to have patience and a miniscule amount of understanding. We don’t know the full story yet… This hasn’t happened before.”

  “What has never happened before?” I crossed my arms over my chest and released a long sigh. Just spit it out already!

  “We were doing research. Like I told you, in Tierra. And we discovered why you can’t remember any of your past lives.”

  Oh. “Why?” He didn’t answer. Instead, a pained expression crossed his face. Like someone had pinched him.

  “Well, you thought you could outsmart the ENO. Make him believe you aren’t the same person. Or that you gave up our fight. You created a poison for your mind. The side effects of the poison stripped you of your powers and erased your memory. You left instructions for the drug antidote to be given any time before your 13th birthday.”

  “What? That doesn’t sound too smart. If I can’t remember anything how am I–”

  “I’m getting to that.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

  “You left the antidote with the one person you knew you could trust more than anyone else. The one person you loved even more than me.” His face stretched into a half smile. He paused again but didn’t meet my eyes. He didn’t say anything then. He began tracing patterns on my hand.

  “For heaven’s sake, Chris. Who is it? Who has the antidote?”

  “Your mother.” He didn’t look at me as he said it. Instead, he fumbled with the stitching on my red coverlet.

  “My mother? A normal? But she wouldn’t have remembered to give it to me. You said only the eight of us could remember on each universe what happened on the previous.”

  “That’s true, but you transferred a portion of your power into her so she would remember.”

  “What?” I shook my head, confused. “How…she’s never exhibited anything abnormal…that doesn’t make sense. Why would she not–” I stopped abruptly, realization sinking in. “I’m not her. That has to be the only explanation. I’m not Amanda.” I laughed softly and sadly as the truth slapped me hard across the face.

  “No. That’s not it. You are Amanda.”

  “You can’t say that. You don’t know for sure.” Anger boiled inside me. Why did this have to happen to me? I tossed my hands up in frustration. His body catapulted into the air and he slammed into the wall with a thud.

  “Oops! My bad.”

  “Chloe, is everything okay?” My mother yelled from the other side of the door.

  I bit my lower lip, not sure what to say. Chris picked himself up from the floor without a sound. He pointed to the door because my mother was waiting for my answer. “Lie,” he mouthed. He hadn’t moved from next to the window where I’d tossed him. He stood as still as a statue, ready to disappear at a moment’s notice.

  “Oh, um…I dropped some books. I’m okay.”

  “I thought you were going to sleep.”

  “I am. As soon as I finish cleaning my room.” I was having to lie too much about everything.

  When I turned back to Chris, his face held an anguished expression.

  “What aren’t you telling me, Chris?”

  “I don’t know everything, but the answers are on Tierra. Can you please come with me and the others tonight? We’ll be back before school tomorrow morning. Promise.”

  I stared blankly at him. “You want me to go to Tierra…another universe…with you.” A sarcastic chuckle escaped my lips and I rolled my eyes. “That doesn’t make sense. Why can’t
you tell me now? Here. I know there’s more you’re not telling me. I know it.”

  I opened my mouth to fuss again, but he raised his hand and stopped me. “Let me explain further.” He sat back on the bed with a defeated expression. “Or try to. I talked with your mother when we went to Tierra. She explained things to me,” he said. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes. And he continually fidgeted. But he continued. “She explained how she received the power from you, how she decided not to give you the antidote, how she was resentful of our cause. She did it out of love, not fully understanding everything that could happen.”

  “If that’s true, how could you visit her on Tierra? Shouldn’t she be dead by now or something? And–”

  “I knew this conversation would produce more questions than answers. Think parallel universe, same time different place.” He sighed heavily, again. “Are you up for traveling tonight? It may be better for you to hear the truth from the source. I’m sure I’m not getting the story straight and I know I left some important details out.”

  “I’m going to meet my mother…from Tierra.” I searched his eyes, unsure about the whole thing.

  “Yes. She’s been waiting for you.” He crossed the room and pulled my face to his own. My hair fell forward into my eyes and he tucked it behind my ear neatly. For a long moment, he stared at me. I assumed to gauge my reaction to what he’d said. “We have to go tonight. You’ll understand everything once we talk with her. I promise.”

  Chapter 16

  I dressed quickly to meet the mother I was certain must behave differently from anybody I could even imagine. She lived in a world that was foreign to me. Chris prepared me for that much. “Tierra will be a totally new experience,” he assured me.

  I didn’t ask any more questions. I couldn’t have phrased an appropriate one if I’d tried. All I could think about was what would happen when I met her. What would I say to her? What would she say to me?

  When I exited my bathroom, all seven of them were present. And they stared at me with bright eyes and big smiles. Chris stepped forward and reached for me. I thought we’d disappear into flashes of light and large clouds of smoke would appear. That didn’t happen. He simply held me.