If I Let You Go

by Kyra Lennon

“On behalf of myself, and that bloke over there who has been staring at your legs for the last five minutes, I want to say the effort was definitely worth it.”

  Following Neil’s gaze, I noticed a young lad, probably no more than eighteen, checking out the lower half of my body with approval. When I met his eye, his cheeks turned red and he quickly turned away.

  “You embarrassed him!” Neil laughed.

  “He wasn’t being very subtle!”

  “No. But I don’t blame him for looking.”

  He slid a hand around my waist, and drew me closer to him. “What do you say we get out of here and go back to my place?”

  I laughed softly. “Later,” I told him. “Definitely later.”

  His smile made my legs buckle, but as he leaned in to kiss me, I felt a vibration against my hip.

  “God, I hope that’s your phone,” he said, making me laugh again.

  “It is.”

  Expecting it to be Dominic again, I pulled my mobile out of my bag to reject the call, only to find that I had a voicemail.

  Listen to it later. You’re having fun now. This is not the place to be thinking about work.

  But I couldn’t ignore it. I had to know what Dominic wanted. Once I’d done so, I planned to turn the damn thing off so I could get on with my night in peace.

  I gave Neil a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

  By the club’s entrance, away from the loud music, I pressed play on the voicemail, waiting to hear Dominic’s voice. Instead, I heard a muffled sniffling sound. After a few seconds, Tilly’s voice said, “Madison? Madison? Daddy said we’re moving far away, but I don’t want to go. You have to tell him I can’t go. You have to.” Her voice gave way to some deep, heartbreaking sobs until her time ran out and she got cut off.

  Tilly had memorised my number for emergencies. To her, this definitely qualified.

  He told her? Right before bedtime, when there was no way she’d fall asleep knowing that news?

  I glanced over to the bar where Neil ordered himself a drink while he waited, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I had to go home, to comfort Tilly and try to find a way to ease her fears. Tucking my phone back into my bag, I headed over to Neil, who greeted me with a smile. “Everything okay?”

  I shook my head. “I have to go. Tilly needs me at home.”

  He nodded in understanding, even though he looked a little disappointed. “Okay, but call me soon. We should get together sometime.”

  “I’d love to,” I told him. I gave him a quick hug. “I’ll call you over the weekend, I promise.”

  Even just those few minutes with Neil had been enough to remind me why I loved being with him. He was easy to talk to, and just so damn gorgeous. But Tilly was more important, and after telling Erica I had to go, I hopped into the nearest cab to go home.

  “Sweetheart, calm down, please,” I heard Dominic say as I slipped in through the front door. Even though her room was a few doors away, I could hear Tilly’s huge, shuddering sobs and I dropped my bag on the floor in the hallway, slid my heels off, and hurried to her bedroom.

  Dominic perched on the edge of Tilly’s bed, and she had her back to him, crying while he tried to soothe her.

  “Hi,” I said, making them both jump.

  Tilly sprang out from under the covers and leapt up into my arms, saying nothing, just weeping into my shoulder. I held her tightly, as Dominic stood up. “You came back.”

  “Yes. Did you know Tilly called me?”

  Confusion crossed his face. “How? I … Oh. She asked me to get her a drink of water about forty minutes ago. I guess she did it then. I’m glad you came, I don’t know how to calm her down.”

  Of course you don’t. You’re never here long enough to know.

  Telling him to let me deal with Tilly would have been the easy thing to do, but he needed to be there for her too. Sending him away would only serve to create another gap between them, and that was the last thing I wanted.

  I carried Tilly back to bed, sitting her down and covering her with her duvet. Her face was streaked with tears, and she sniffled trying to calm herself down.

  “Dom, could you grab some tissues please?” I asked.

  I could handle a lot of gross stuff, but kid snot was not one of them.

  Dominic nodded before leaving the room, and I reached out for Tilly’s hand.

  “I don’t want to go away,” she said, her head bowed. “I don’t want to.”

  “I know, honey. But Daddy has a new job.”

  “He had a new job before, but we didn’t have to go away.”

  Tilly understood enough about Dominic’s work to know that it changed sometimes, but she had no comprehension of just how well he’d done. He worked as a business analyst for a global finance company, and he’d climbed through the ranks at high speed due to his incredible dedication. Every promotion meant he could better provide for his daughter, but it also meant he spent less time with her. Neither Tilly nor myself had any idea whether New York would actually give her back her father, but we were both united in one thing. Neither of us wanted them to go.

  “This is a different job,” I explained. “It means Daddy will get paid more money.”

  “I don’t care about money, I want to stay with you!”

  Telling her I wanted that too would only have made her more upset with Dominic. Instead, I pulled her into my arms again and gently stroked her hair.

  Dominic returned, handing me the box of tissues, and I plucked some out then moved Tilly slightly away from me so I could wipe her nose and dry her eyes. Her eyes were stunning. The exact same shade of blue as her father’s, but with longer lashes. Seeing them shine with tears stabbed at my soul, making me want to cry with her.

  “Do you know what I think?” I asked, tilting Tilly’s chin upwards a little, and giving her a smile.

  “What?”

  “I think you should give Daddy a hug, then we’ll read you a bedtime story until you fall asleep.”

  “But what about going away? I want Daddy to say we’re not going!”

  “I promise we’ll talk about it tomorrow. Everyone’s tired now, but tomorrow we can talk about it properly. Together.”

  Slowly, Tilly nodded. “Can you make Daddy change his mind?” she whispered, as if she hoped he couldn’t hear her.

  “I can’t make him, darling. I can’t. But I promise that you will get a chance to tell him how you feel. But you need some rest first, okay?”

  She nodded again, and I said, “Give Daddy a hug.”

  Tilly eyed him as if he were the Devil, then sighed. Only when the hostility had gone, did Dominic reach out to her.

  “I love you,” he said, gently.

  “Love you too.”

  Tilly lay back on the bed, and Dominic tucked her in while I searched the toy-strewn floor to locate her toy monkey, Mungo – who she couldn’t sleep without. He must have got tossed away during her tantrum, and I found him on the roof of her doll’s house.

  It was another half an hour before she finally fell asleep, with both me and Dominic at her side, taking in turns to read from one of her favourite books. I was shattered by the time we were finished, and I quickly retreated to the kitchen in search of something alcoholic to take the edge off.

  About a thousand questions popped into my head through the evening, and I knew that if I didn’t get at least some of them out, I would never get to sleep. Plus, if I was going to honour my promise to Tilly, I’d need to have some idea of what Dominic’s plans were, in order to help him make the transition to New York easier for her.

  I located a bottle of beer in the fridge, and wasted no time popping the lid off and taking a swig.

  “Thank you, Madison.”

  Dominic stood in the doorframe, his hair a mess, presumably from where he’d raked frustrated fingers through it. His face looked drawn, in a way that only happens after a stressful day.

  He’d better get used to that.

  “I didn’t really come back
for you,” I told him, with more honesty than I’d intended.

  “I know. But I still appreciate it.”

  “Well, you’re welcome. Do you want a beer?”

  He shook his head. “I already had one. Best keep a clear head in case Tilly wakes up again.”

  I took another drink, and Dominic said, “It was good of you to tell Tilly that we’ll talk about New York tomorrow. It’ll help her sleep. But you know it won’t change anything, don’t you?”

  “Do I? You’re not going to listen to what she has to say?”

  “Of course I will. But I can’t leave life-changing decisions to my five-year-old daughter.”

  “Her age is irrelevant. Her feelings matter.”

  “I’m not saying they don’t. I’m just saying this is going to happen. The plans have been made, I’ve bought an apartment, I’ve found a school for her. All we need to do is make the move.”

  Anger began to rise in me again. All that planning, done in silence. Not a word to me, not even a sign that anything big was going to happen. He’d just come home every weekend and acted like everything was the same, when in reality, he’d been getting ready to turn Tilly’s life upside down for months.

  “If you have something to say, I suggest you say it,” Dominic said. We wore matching expressions of annoyance, as if my own irritation was being reflected in him, bouncing between us like light off glass.

  “Oh, I have plenty to say,” I told him, slamming my bottle down on the counter, “Starting with, why did you hide this for so long? Why didn’t you tell me, even if you weren’t ready to tell Tilly?”

  “Because I didn’t want to tell you you might lose your job until I knew it was really going to happen.”

  “You must have known before now. This didn’t all just tie up in the last few weeks.”

  “No,” he admitted. “It didn’t. And you’re right, I should have told you earlier. But I didn’t … I didn’t know how to. Today, I just needed to get it out, because dragging it out all this time wasn’t fair, not on either of us.”

  Damn him. He’d made me feel bad for him instead of giving me a reason to unleash my rage.

  Don’t feel too sorry for him. He’s still got a lot of explaining to do.

  “What will happen when you get there?” I asked. “Who will take care of Tilly while you’re at work?”

  “I’ll hire another nanny.”

  “Will you still have to go away all the time, or will being in New York mean you won’t have to go away as much?”

  “I’ll still need to travel, mostly within America, though.”

  “Oh, so you’re uprooting her to make your own life easier.”

  Dominic glanced over his shoulder, down the hall towards Tilly’s room, then closed the kitchen door. “That’s not fair,” he said. “I’m doing it to make both of our lives easier. I won’t be away for as long, or as often. It means I’ll get to spend more time with her than I do now.”

  “Yeah, maybe in the beginning! But just like when we moved here, you’ll end up working longer hours again, going away more and more, and she’ll have nobody!”

  “She’ll still have me! And she’ll have someone new looking after her.”

  Another stab hit me, in the chest this time, as I imagined someone else collecting her from school and hearing about her day. Someone different being there to wipe her tears, and protecting her from bad dreams.

  It took the breath out of me, and I slumped onto a stool, resting my arm on the counter to prop up my head.

  “Why didn’t you ask me to come?” I asked, weakly.

  Dominic opened and closed his mouth a few times, making it obvious that it hadn’t even crossed his mind. I’d been taking care of his daughter for three years, and it didn’t occur to him that I might be able to make the whole thing smoother for them both.

  “Madison, I-”

  “What? I’m not good enough to look after her anymore? I haven’t done enough, I haven’t kept this flat perfect for you, and done everything for Tilly every time you’ve been away?”

  “No, it’s not that. God, you’ve been amazing, you’ve taken care of everything, and Tilly loves you, but I didn’t even think to ask you to move to New York. Not for us. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  “Maybe you should worry more about what’s fair for Tilly than for me. Are you even allowed to move her out of the country without her mother’s permission? I know she doesn’t have any part of Tilly’s life, but-”

  “I found her,” Dominic interrupted.

  I halted my ramble and sat up straight. “You did?”

  He nodded. “If I’m making this move, I want to do it right. I talked to my lawyer, he tracked her down, and I met up with her.”

  “Jesus Christ,” I said, hopping down from the stool, and starting to pace. My head swam with all the revelations. “Before you finish explaining this episode of ‘Dominic Hartley’s Secret Life,’ is there anything else you’ve been hiding?”

  “No. And I didn’t tell you for the same reason I didn’t tell you everything else. It wasn’t the right time.”

  “Did you talk to anyone about it? Your mum, your brother?”

  “No. I just dealt with it on my own.”

  If I hadn’t been so far away on the other side of the room, I’d have slapped him. Hard. Why did he think he had to do everything alone?

  “What happened when you saw her?” I asked.

  “Well, I drove up to Manchester, where she lives, and we went for a coffee. I told her about the new job, and she said she was happy for us to go.”

  “Did she even ask about Tilly?”

  “No. I tried to tell her but she wasn’t interested. She had another baby. She made it clear that she wants nothing to do with Tilly now she has her new family.”

  Sickness churned in my stomach at the idea of a mother being so completely uncaring towards her own child. Tilly deserved so much better. Dominic’s jaw tensed the way it always did when he was upset or angry. I was sure he was more pissed off than upset. His grieving for his marriage was done a long time ago, but he’d never stop hurting for Tilly because she’d been denied a mother.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “That she didn’t care, I mean.”

  He nodded. “Me too. The good news is, seeing her meant we could finally get the divorce sorted out. Another thing that’s being taken care of.”

  The spinning cycle of emotions had made me tired. Being infuriated really takes it out of you, but when you threw in sadness, regret, fear and confusion, it was too much. I’d woken up that morning, excited because I had a weekend ahead of me that promised to be full of laughs and drinking. Less than twenty-four hours later, my heart felt heavy because everything I knew was about to be taken away.

  “I need to go to bed,” I said.

  “There’s still more to talk about.”

  “You’re probably right, but I can’t.”

  “Please,” he said. “I don’t want to leave things this way.”

  “What way?”

  “Not knowing what you think. Not knowing if I can count on you to be here until we leave.”

  “Do you honestly think I’d leave Tilly a second sooner than I have to? I’m not going anywhere. And as for what I think … you know that.”

  “You think I’m selfish,” Dominic said. “You think I’m doing all of this for myself.”

  “I think you put your need to be successful ahead of Tilly’s needs. And I think that’s unfair of you.”

  “How can you not see that I’m doing this for her?” he snapped. “So I can spend more time with her, so I can afford to give her everything she wants!”

  “Everything she wants is here!” I said, throwing my arms wide and spinning in a circle to mark my point. “It’s right here in this flat, right now!”

  “I can’t be here all the time.”

  “You could if you stopped thinking about your enormous wage packet! You earn more than enough to live comfortably now. You earned more than enough for t
hat before your last promotion, but instead, you took it and you’re missing out on everything. Every little achievement Tilly has made has passed you by. You even missed her parents’ evening! You should have seen her work for yourself, and heard the teacher praising how far she’s come in the last year! Are you even going to be here for her birthday in a few weeks, or is that another milestone you’re going to sacrifice?”

  “I’ll be here,” he said, through gritted teeth. “But don’t push it. If you want to be angry with me, that’s fine, but don’t ever question how much I love my daughter.”

  “I don’t question that for a second, Dom. I don’t. But you have to see how much damage this move could do to her. You’re taking her from everything she knows. And I still don’t see a good reason for it.”

  “This isn’t up for debate, Madison, it’s happening! She’s my daughter, not yours!”

  “Duly noted,” I said, trying to keep a firm grip on my temper. “I’ll get out of your way in the morning so you can talk to her about the move. You need to do that without the help getting in the way.”

  “Jesus, Madison!” Dominic snapped, practically flying across the kitchen to stand in front of me. “I need your support! I need to know you’re going to back me up, and that you’re not going to be filling her head with poison while I’m not here!”

  A blinding, burning anger surged through my veins. Tilly might not have been my own flesh and blood, but I’d have done anything, anything, for her, which was a lot more than could be said for her mother. Maybe my words had crossed the employer/employee boundaries, but I’d never have even dreamt of trying to turn Tilly against her father.

  “Do you really know that little about me?” I spat. “If you think I would be capable of that, if you think for a second that I’d do anything to hurt either of you, I may as well leave right now!”

  He didn’t answer, and I shook my head, knowing that all we were going to do if I stayed right there was go round in circles. I’d had enough.

  I tried to push him aside so I could get to the door, but he refused to budge. I pushed harder, trying to use my anger to shove him out of the way. His response was to grip the tops of my arms until I stopped fighting, glaring into his eyes.