It Started in June

by Susan Kietzman

  CHAPTER 58

  Kevin picked Bradley up at the police station and drove him back to his apartment. After they ordered pizza, Kevin suggested Bradley let Grace know where he was. Bradley explained why that wasn’t necessary, why Grace was not expecting him to come home that night.

  “What is your fucking problem?” Kevin asked, opening a beer. He didn’t offer one to Bradley. “Why can’t you figure this out?”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “I mean, we’ve talked about this how many times? Either you’ve got to get out, Bradley, or you’ve got to commit. This bullshit stuff with Rachel is juvenile as well as wrong.”

  “I know,” said Bradley, sitting on the couch he would be sleeping on, head in his hands.

  “If you know, why do you keep screwing up?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Kevin took two long drinks from his can of locally brewed IPA. “Do you love Grace?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you love Hope?”

  “How can I not love a baby?”

  “Because she’s your baby,” said Kevin, “and you weren’t planning on having one.”

  Bradley leaned back against the cushion. “That’s what it is,” said Bradley. “My life has taken this turn that I didn’t anticipate or want. And now I’m stuck in it.”

  “First of all, you’re not stuck. Grace gave you a pass to walk away from it. And second, welcome to the life that everyone lives. Shit happens, as the expression goes, that isn’t planned or desired. And when it does, you have to deal with it. You can’t keep running away and running back. Decide if you are staying with Grace. If you are, be with her. Be a father. If you’re not going to stay with Grace, you’re free to do your thing with Rachel. But my advice? If you leave Grace, I’d leave Rachel alone. She’s bad news.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because she knows you’re in a relationship with someone. She knows you’ve got a daughter. And she’s still rubbing her breasts in your face. Seriously? You’re asking me why I think she’s bad news?” Kevin’s intercom buzzed, indicating that the pizza had arrived. He walked to the door, pressed the button to open the building door, and then cracked opened his apartment door. When the teenage delivery guy knocked, Kevin paid him and then walked the pizza to the table in front of the couch. He opened the box. “I’m going to stop talking before I start sounding like your mother.”

  “You already sound like my mother.”

  “Well, then, message delivered,” said Kevin, lifting a slice of pizza from the box and taking a bite. “Let’s watch the game.”

  * * *

  Bradley awoke early the next morning. He walked to the police station to pay his $400 fine and retrieve his car. He was grateful, for he should have been charged with driving while intoxicated. But the cop was someone Bradley played softball with during the summer months. He told Bradley this was his one gift, that he would not turn his head the other way if he again caught Bradley drunk behind the wheel. He had charged Bradley with reckless driving and then released him to Kevin, who had driven Bradley to his apartment. As Bradley drove onto the highway ramp that morning, he knew it was time to make a decision.

  CHAPTER 59

  When Bradley walked into the house, Grace was breastfeeding Hope on the couch. She looked up at him. “I got pulled over for drunk driving last night,” he said. “Dave, the cop I play softball with, was good enough to let me off with a reckless driving charge. If there’s a next time, I won’t be this lucky.”

  “Sit down,” said Grace. “We have a lot of things to talk about.” Bradley complied, sitting in the chair that faced the couch, the chair he often chose because it afforded its tenant not only a view of whoever was occupying the couch, but also of the water through the sliding glass door in the kitchen. “I want you to start.”

  Bradley had determined on his drive from the city that morning that if he wanted to be with Grace and with Hope he would have to give up Rachel. And part of giving up Rachel was telling Grace about his attraction to her. And so he did this, as gently as possible, starting with her relentless pursuit of him and ending with his inability to refuse her advances. He took responsibility for his actions because he knew, no matter what Rachel had done, that he had acted selfishly and with no regard for Grace’s feelings or even her presence in his life.

  He told her that he was too upset to work yesterday afternoon after their phone call, and that he had gone to Tapped to try to escape. Rachel had found him there, and, again, told him how much she wanted to be with him, how right they were together. She hit his vulnerable spot, like she always did, and he ended up making out with her in his car. When Grace said nothing, he told her that even though he was drunk, he was cognizant enough to push Rachel away, to realize that she meant nothing to him. And after she was out of his car, he could think of nothing but getting home to Grace. It had been almost an hour since his last drink. He thought he could make it home. But as soon as the cop asked him to get out of his car, Bradley knew he was in trouble. He paused here, waiting for Grace to tell him that she was pleased he was finished with Rachel or that she was flattered by the fact that Bradley wanted to get home to her, even though he knew she wouldn’t. And he was right. She said nothing. “Grace, say something.”

  Grace transferred Hope to her other breast. “What do you want me to say, Bradley? After the story you just told me, what do you want me to say?”

  “I don’t know. I just want you to talk. When I walked into the house, you said we had a lot of things to talk about.”

  “You’re right; I did,” she said. “I expected you to start with an apology, but instead I’m treated to a story about your continued infidelity, a story about an affair that started before Hope was born with a woman who has no respect for an established relationship, who has no respect for me. And your story didn’t even include an apology.”

  “Grace, I’m sorry. You know I’m desperately sorry.”

  “An apology that is offered in response to a prompt is not really an apology, Bradley.”

  “Tell me,” he said. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

  Grace lifted Hope onto her shoulder and patted her back. “I want you to be a different person than the boy that you are,” she said. “I want you to love me. I want you to love our child. I want you to commit to this relationship.” Bradley was nodding, but Grace was not finished. “But I now see that this was fantastical thinking on my part, that you are not capable of being who I want you to be. So I want you out of my life.”

  Bradley’s head stopped moving up and down. “I don’t want to be out of your life.”

  “I think, deep down, you do,” said Grace. “And I am giving you permission to leave.”

  “You gave me permission to leave when you found out you were pregnant, and I chose to stay, Grace.”

  “I know you did,” said Grace. “But you stayed for the wrong reasons. You stayed because you felt obligated to stay. You felt responsible, and you wanted to do what you saw as the responsible thing. And yes, you thought I was sexy and smart. You were flattered by my attention, as you are currently flattered by Rachel’s. And, I think you thought that having this baby with me, living with me, might help convince you that you’d made the right decision.

  “In fact, you made the wrong decision,” Grace continued. “If you had told me from the start that you weren’t interested in having a baby, both you and I would be free right now. You’d be free to be in a relationship with Rachel, and—”

  “I don’t want to be in a relationship with Rachel.”

  “—and I’d be free to be a single mother, to focus all of my attention on my baby and on my job and not on coaxing a child to grow up.”

  Bradley hung his head. He could think of no response to Grace’s charge.

  “Look, I don’t blame you for all of this. Whether or not I meant to, I pressured you to be with me, to say yes to raising our child, to say yes to living with me. I may have th
ought I was being open about it, but I wasn’t. Even though I wanted to have this baby, I was terrified of having her. I wanted help. I wanted your help. So, I will take responsibility for pushing you into something you didn’t want to do, and then being disappointed when it didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. We’re both at fault here, Bradley. And I think the best thing to do now that we know this is to let it go.”

  “I don’t want to let it go,” said Bradley. “I love you, Grace.”

  “And I love you,” said Grace. “But I don’t think it’s enough.”

  Bradley moved from the chair to the couch. He held out his arms for Hope and Grace gave her to him. He kissed Hope’s forehead. “Can we try again?” he said. “I think we can make this work.”

  “I don’t want to make it work, Bradley. I want us to want it to work. There’s a difference.”

  “I want it to work,” he said. “I want to be with you.”

  Grace closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. “We’ve been through so much Bradley. I can’t do it anymore.”

  Then Bradley had an idea. “Let’s give it a month.”

  Grace opened her eyes and looked at him. “What?”

  “Let’s give it a month,” he repeated. “You know how you gave me time to decide whether or not I wanted to be part of the baby’s life? Well, I want to do the same for you. I want to give you a month to decide if you can give us another chance.” Grace said nothing. “I’ll find somewhere else to live,” he said. “This time will give both of us a chance to think about what we want, about what works and what doesn’t. And after a month, we can get together and discuss what we’ve learned.”

  Finally, Grace said, “I’m not sure this will tell us anything we don’t already know.”

  “I disagree,” said Bradley. “We have new information to consider. I have come clean about my feelings for and actions with Rachel, and you have candidly confessed to nudging me into being a father when you knew I wasn’t sure. We need to figure out if we want our future to be together, and the only way to do it right is to be apart from each other.”

  “The only thing I know for sure right now is that we should live separately,” Grace said. “I purchased three large duffel bags last night, and they are sitting on our bedroom floor. I want you to pack up and go.”

  Bradley’s eyes filled with tears. “Grace, tell me you will consider this.”

  Grace, too, was close to crying. “I have to go,” she said, standing. “I’m going to take Hope for a long walk. When we get back, I want you and your things to be gone.” She held out her arms for Hope, and Bradley gave their daughter back to her. Without another word, Grace walked out the front door and put Hope into the stroller. Bradley pulled his phone out of his pocket, wrote a vacation request e-mail to Paul, and then booked a flight to see his parents.

  CHAPTER 60

  That night, Shannon sat in the same chair Bradley had sat in that morning. A bottle of wine stood on the table between them; Shannon was on her second glass; Grace had barely touched her first. The baby monitor, on the table next to the wine bottle, confirmed that Hope was asleep.

  “What are you going to do?” asked Shannon, after Grace explained what had happened.

  Grace put the glass of wine to her lips, but she didn’t take a sip. Her stomach had been upset all afternoon. She put the glass down and said, “I’m going to give him the time.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” said Grace. “I’ll be living without him for a month, which means I’ll be well on my way to being a single mother if that’s what I decide or if that’s what he chooses.”

  “What do you want to happen?” asked Shannon.

  “I don’t know. But I want to feel good about whatever it is,” said Grace. “If Bradley wants to be with me, with us, and I want to be with him, I want to know that it’s permanent.”

  “How will you know that, Grace? Is anything permanent?”

  “You’re right. I won’t know it one hundred percent. But I want to know it ninety percent.”

  Shannon took a sip of wine. “And you think you’re going to know this in a month?”

  “Tell me what you think,” said Grace. “You’ve been skeptical of my relationship with Bradley from the beginning. And you certainly don’t sound very encouraging now. So why not just get it out?”

  “Okay, I’m sorry, Grace,” Shannon said. “I know you’re hurting right now, and I am not being very sympathetic.”

  “I’d say you’re not being at all sympathetic.”

  “I said I was sorry.”

  “Fine,” said Grace. “Go on.”

  “You’re absolutely right that I’ve been skeptical of this relationship, for a couple reasons. One, Bradley is, in my opinion, as I’ve expressed, too young to fully commit himself to you or to anyone else. He’s immature. His life goals are not even close to being fully formed, and he is, therefore, not capable right now of being a faithful, loving husband.”

  “And I’m getting tired of that argument,” said Grace. “There are husbands and fathers who are thirty years old, Shannon. And just because you and I are in our forties doesn’t mean we always make mature, responsible, prudent decisions. So, move on from age discrimination.”

  “Fine,” said Shannon. “What’s more important is that he did not see this coming. And when you told him you were pregnant, I’ll bet that his initial thought was that you wouldn’t keep it.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because you were forty-two years old and single,” said Shannon. “Most women who are going to have children do so in their thirties.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Everyone knows that, Grace.”

  “You thought the same thing, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, I did. I kind of understand your motivation for having a child, but I mostly don’t. You surprised me, Grace, and I know you better than anyone. So it’s not too hard to guess how surprised Bradley must have been. But I think he wanted to do what he perceived was the right thing by standing by you. He didn’t want you to have the baby, but he didn’t want to disappoint you, either. He got caught up in it just like you did. And I have to admit, I admire him for this, for trying to do what he thought was the right thing. For trying to love Hope.”

  Tears formed at the corners of Grace’s eyes. “I love Hope,” she said. “I’m so glad I have her.”

  Shannon walked into the kitchen and returned with the square box of tissues Grace always kept on the countertop. She set them down on the table, pulled one from the box, and handed it to Grace. “I can see it,” said Shannon. “You are definitely happy to be a mother. And you are a very, very good mother.”

  Grace blew her nose. “Thank you.”

  “But Bradley isn’t a good father,” said Shannon. “I’m not saying he’s not capable of being a good father someday. But he’s got to want it as much as you do.”

  * * *

  Halfway across the country, Bradley was sitting on the couch in his parents’ living room. He had told them about his flirtations with Rachel, which, he could tell, had greatly disappointed both of them. Bradley, too, was disappointed in himself, in his inability to stay true to Grace. But he thought that maybe he had sought Rachel’s company because he felt trapped in his relationship with Grace.

  “Trapped?” asked Dorrie.

  “By the baby,” said Bradley. “By Hope. I made the decision to be with Grace and to help her raise our baby out of guilt, I think, rather than desire.”

  “Meaning you weren’t in love with Grace?” asked Bruce.

  “I was on my way to being in love with her, yes. But I wasn’t exactly ready to commit to anything. We’d been on, like, five dates before she told me she was pregnant. I thought she was great looking and an amazing person and we were having a lot of fun. But I was not thinking, at that point, that I would spend the rest of my life with her,” said Bradley. “I mean, we were just getting started.”

  “Do you love her now?”


  “Yes,” said Bradley. “I can see clearly that I do.”

  Dorrie asked, “What about the baby? Do you love Hope?”

  Bradley said, “She was precious and beautiful on the day she was born. And she is precious and beautiful now. And I feel something for her, I do. I just don’t know that it’s love.”

  “Is what you feel responsibility?”

  “Yes, I think so. I think that’s a better word for describing my feelings.”

  “But you would feel guilty if you left Grace,” said Dorrie.

  “Well, of course I would.”

  Bruce said, “I think it comes down to this. You have a decision to make. You need to decide if you love Grace enough to work at loving Hope and being a family, or if you’ve given it your best effort and cannot commit. If the former is the case, then get back on a plane tomorrow and beg for forgiveness, realizing that Grace may have decided that she doesn’t want you back. And if the latter is the case, move your things into another apartment and move on with your life.”

  Bradley nodded slowly.

  Bruce got up from his chair and took the couple steps to reach the couch. He bent down and hugged Bradley. “We can talk more tomorrow,” said Bruce. “I delivered a baby at three o’clock this morning, and now I’ve got to go to bed.” He kissed his wife on the cheek. “Don’t keep him up too late.”

  Dorrie looked at her watch. “Oh, it’s eleven o’clock already.”

  “Good night,” said Bruce, walking up the stairs to their bedroom.

  Bradley looked at his mother. “He’s right, you know,” said Dorrie. “All of this comes down to a decision. Are you in—in for good—or are you out?”

  “That’s so easy to say, Mom. It’s not that easy to do.”

  “I don’t think Dad and I have given you the impression that this would be an easy decision, at least I hope not. You are facing a very difficult decision. You know this, and Grace knows this. But the decision has to be made. No more running to Rachel for advice that suits her.”