by Misa Rush
“Sorry.” Hanna rubbed her hand in a few small circles on Karsen’s back.
“It’s not your fault.” Karsen continued to stare at them.
“Come on. Let’s go. You don’t need to watch this.” Hanna picked up Karsen’s bag and held it out to her, but she didn’t take it. Instead, Hanna watched as Karsen, filled with an unusual confidence, sauntered directly to where the two were flirting.
“James! Helloooo!” She sounded calm, sophisticated even. As if she were approaching a highly regarded friend that she hadn’t seen in ages.
A look of alarm crossed his face.
“Hi,” he mumbled. His body tensed and his smile faded as he waited in anticipation of whatever was coming.
“Funny running into you here.” Karsen flashed a phony smile. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”
Slowly, he answered in what Karsen thought to be the most rehearsed verbiage he could muster. “I decided to explore my employment options some more. The position wasn’t… well…it wasn’t the right fit for me.” A nice way of saying you got canned and are now unemployed, Karsen thought smugly.
She turned to the girl, who stood with a look somewhere between confusion and annoyance, no doubt assuming Karsen’s intentions were to step on her territory.
“Silly James, aren’t you going to introduce us?” Karsen said pretentiously. Before he could, Karsen extended her hand out to shake. “Hi, I’m Karsen. You are?”
“Josie,” said the girl tentatively. She grasped Karsen’s hand, her light grip flimsy against Karsen’s athletic strength.
“Nice to meet you, Josie.” Karsen said. Josie smiled slightly and nodded, not knowing how to react.
Karsen turned back to James.
“So, did you think about our discussion any further?” His eyes flashed in rage.
“I thought the situation was settled,” he said tightly.
Karsen’s insides boiled, yet she maintained her composure. If he thought he could simply move on without any repercussions, she’d show him.
“No, James, I’m sorry. WE haven’t settled anything.” She clenched her fists in her pockets and dug her fingernails into her palms. She had to maintain control of her emotions. “However, it appears you’re certainly clear on YOUR part.”
James unease grew. He fiddled with his fake designer watch. “I should probably be going now. Josie, I’ll see you later.” He hoped to conclude the conversation before Karsen’s ambiguous discussion turned more candid. Unfortunately for him, it was too late.
“Josie, you see, James here...”
“Karsen!” His temper flared and his tone implied for her to stop.
“Maybe I should be the one going,” Josie said uneasily.
“No stay, please, Josie. I assure you. You’ll want to hear this.” Karsen glared at James and continued. “As I was about to say, James here wants me to have an abortion.”
A deep blush rose in James’s face, turning it fire engine-red instantly. Josie stood, bewildered.
“Yes, that’s right. I’m pregnant with his child and he’s here seducing you. If I were you, I’d run along and don’t hesitate to tell all your friends about this one. He is not an honorable man.”
Glaring at James with contempt mingled with satisfaction Karsen turned and hurried back to Hanna. Behind her, Karsen heard him mutter “bitch” under his breath before pleading with Josie not to listen to a word she said.
“Oh my God!” Hanna mouthed as Karsen approached. Karsen grabbed her bag and they giggled as they hurried away.
“I can’t believe you did that!” Hanna gasped as they entered the food court.
Karsen swept her hand through her hair. A sense of empowerment radiated through her, reminding her of the inner strength that had been dormant for months.
“Me neither,” she giggled, feeling just a little more fulfilled.
The next morning, Karsen sat anxiously in Dr. Warren’s office. An oversized, stylish clock with numbers only at the quarter marks read approximately eight-thirty. She had not spoken to Dr. Warren since the ultrasound and was no closer to knowing what to do than she was then. She was faced with a series of negatives. Her head pounded and her eyes grew tired from stress every time the topic crossed her mind.
“Hello, Karsen.” Dr. Warren entered the room, quietly pulling the door closed. “How are you feeling?”
“All right, I guess.” She wasn’t really all right. In reality, she was really quite a mess.
Dr. Warren eased into her black leather chair, crossed her legs and folded her hands softly in her lap.
“’All right’ is a bit vague. Let’s start with how are you doing physically? Is the morning sickness bothering you still?”
“It’s manageable. I never want to see another cracker again, but I’m getting by.”
“Understandable.” Dr. Warren smiled, glad to see a spark of humor in Karsen’s response. “And how are you holding up otherwise? Have you thought about your options?”
“If you’re referring to abortion or adoption, then yes, I’ve thought about them. At least a little. But, I still don’t know what to do.” She studied Dr. Warren’s face trying to read whether she thought she was a lost cause.
“What about the father?” The doctor’s voice softened. “Is he still in the picture?”
“Not any more.” Karsen shook her head indignantly. She refused to cry. “He wants me to terminate the pregnancy.”
“Sounds like you’re hesitant to do so.”
“Not necessarily, I mean…I haven’t ruled it out. I just don’t want to regret it. But then I think, what will I do with a baby? I’m not stable. I haven’t graduated. I have little to no income. I just don’t see any way…” Karsen felt her heart rate increase.
“There is adoption. Good, secure couples are searching for children every day.”
Karsen closed her eyes. The picture of her child with another family tore into her. “I know. I just don’t know if I could live knowing I have a child out there. I can’t win. Any way I look at it, there is more negative than positive. I just don’t know what to do.”
Karsen put her face in her hands trying not to cry again.
Dr. Warren attempted to comfort and guide Karsen during the remainder of their session without making a decision for her. Karsen left feeling more confused than when she arrived. There was no right answer. She was scared. Scared to tell Brad and her dad, both of whom would be disappointed in her. Scared to make the wrong decision. Resentful she had to make it alone.
On the way home, Karsen dialed Brad and invited him over for dinner. She didn’t know how she was going to tell him about the pregnancy, but she felt it was time. As much as she valued Hanna, she needed another source of advice and she respected her big brother’s opinion as much as she would have her mother’s. He’d be a secure sounding board at least once the initial shock wore off.
Curious glances abounded as Addison entered her office the morning after her date. She was never late. Jacob eagerly awaited her arrival, almost pouncing on her the moment she arrived.
“Addison, Adelaide’s photos are adorable! I need you to select which one you prefer so we can finish the layout.” He shuffled an array of photographs on top of her desk before she even had time to remove her coat.
Her ears heard him, but her mind remained elsewhere. She flung her new Prada purse upon the credenza behind her desk, hung up her coat and reclined back in her chair. Her arms stretched behind her head and her foot bounced like a fishing bobber where it crossed at her knee. She glanced at the photos on her desk and noticed he’d also fetched her morning latte. She looked up without a word and scrutinized Jacob from head to toe. He stood motionless. For the first time, she felt it odd that he appeared nervous around her. Regretfully, she realized she’d been more domineering than empowering towards him.
She tapped her finger against her lip.
“Why don’t you choose, Jacob?” Her eyes twinkled. She saw something in him. Something that reminded her of he
rself. His subservient character aimed to please much like she had her father, but masked his gifted abilities. He was sharp, talented. How had she not seen this before? And the rest of her staff, had she stifled them, too, out of her need to be in charge?
“Really?” he said, shocked, before realizing the lack of confidence he was portraying.
“Really. And have Marjorie get my coffee tomorrow. Tell her you’re busy.”
He smiled and left the office, a feeling of fulfillment escalating inside him. Addison Reynolds had just empowered him to finalize a layout!
Marjorie’s head popped through Addison’s door. “Are you ill?” she demanded. Addison’s face flushed.
“I take it the date went well then?” Marjorie asked.
“Get back to work, Marge.”
“Since you’re in a good mood today, can I have a raise?”
“How about we discuss that after I drink my coffee. The usual please, with whip.”
“What’s wrong with the one on your desk?”
“It’s missing the whip.” Addison smiled. Marjorie rolled her eyes sarcastically. “You better get going if you want that raise.”
“You did have a good night,” Marjorie said, arching her eyebrows knowingly and smiling.
“Later, Marjorie.” Addison blushed as she waved her hand dismissively to shoo her out.
That evening, Brad arrived at Karsen’s apartment with a bag of Chinese food in hand.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, surveying the once immaculate space. The entry alone looked as though a tornado had hit. Her shoes, usually neatly tucked away, sprawled across the floor. Three days worth of dishes were piled in the sink. The only thing that looked in order was the bed, which appeared untouched like she had been sleeping on the couch instead.
“I’m fine,” she uttered by rote. She pulled two plates out of the cupboard. “Thanks for picking up the food. Want something to drink?”
“Sure. A Coke if you have one. Or water. Whatever.”
She opened the fridge and pursed her lips, feeling embarrassed for having offered drinks she didn’t have. She took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with tap water.
“Sorry. It’s all I’ve got. Guess I need to get to the store, huh?”
Brad simply shook his head. He pulled out two square boxes by their little metal handles and set them on the counter. Karsen handed him a fork and opened the second box. She’d read that greasy food exacerbates morning sickness, but she’d experienced the opposite. She scooped a pile of orange chicken onto her plate and then added a portion of pork-fried rice next to it.
“So,” she smiled broadly trying to ease her way into an appropriate moment to break her news. “How are things going with Hanna?” She stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork and popped it into her mouth. The heat radiated inside her mouth, stinging her tongue. She grabbed her glass of water and swished the cold liquid around like mouthwash until the burn dissipated. “Yowsers! That’s hot.” She set her fork down across her plate to wait for the food to cool before attempting another bite.
“Yowsers? What are you, twelve?” Brad taunted her.
“Leave me alone and answer my question.”
“Off to a good start, let’s say. It hasn’t been that long,” Brad said to appease her. He knew he couldn’t avoid the conversation entirely.
“But you two seem to spend a great deal of time together,” she pressed, wanting details. Of course, she’d heard Hanna’s take on the relationship but she wanted his.
“I’m sure you two talk.” He assumed Hanna shared every detail. Well, hopefully she didn’t share everything.
“Come on…” she prodded, still stalling while her insides wrestled in angst.
“It’s good. She’s …,” he hesitated. He’d talked to his sister about his girlfriends before, but this time was different. Hanna was Karsen’s best friend. “She’s incredible, really. She is beautiful and she gets me. She even laughs at my jokes.” Karsen noticed how his face beamed as he spoke.
“She is pretty cool,” Karsen winked at him.
“Yes, she is.”
“Speaking of your jokes, whatever happened with the reality show? I’m sorry I’ve been so preoccupied,” She stammered, “with the break-up and all… I haven’t even asked you about it. I know Hanna said your last show went gangbusters.”
“The reality show? What reality show?” he teased for a moment, glad for the segue to his big news…
“So…?”
“I leave for Hollywood in two weeks!”
“Holy shit!” She jumped out of her seat and hopped onto the couch, jumping up and down like a hyperactive toddler. “That’s incredible!”
He motioned for her to sit down. “You know what happened to the monkeys jumping on the bed?” Karsen laughed as she jumped to the floor.
“Yes, they fell off and bumped their heads.”
She plunked down on the couch, pumping her legs up and down, unable to restrain her new found energy. “Have you told Dad?”
“Not yet. I wanted to tell you first. Except, well…”
“Hanna knows?”
“Yes.”
“I guess I’m going to have to get used to playing second fiddle, huh?”
“Sorry.” He shrugged.
“No worries. I like that you’re happy. And now, oh my God! You’re going to Hollywood! My brother the star!”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, sis. I’m not even on the show yet. There are forty called to Hollywood. Only ten make the actual show.”
Karsen just smiled, unable to control her excitement. She knew he’d be one of the ten. She held her tongue on her situation for the remainder of his visit. She couldn’t bear the thought of ruining his good news. Everything else could wait.
Brad kissed his sister on the cheek as he left. “Call me if you need anything.” He was worried about her. He knew she’d been through a great deal, but so had he. He sensed there was more going on with her but if she wouldn’t open up to him, he didn’t want to force it. At least not yet.
Closing the door behind her brother, a ray of happiness broke through the storm cloud hovering within Karsen. She couldn’t help but share in Brad’s excitement and elation. She was thrilled for him. His success gave her hope, hope she desperately needed to weather the stormy events of her own life. She could tell Hanna had kept her secret thus far. Otherwise, Brad would never have avoided the topic. He would be furious. The guilt of lying to him festered within her. She hated having secrets, but she couldn’t tell him now. She knew her brother and she knew what he’d do.
She popped her daily prenatal and chased it down with a long gulp of water. The teakettle whistled, and she poured herself a cup of hot tea before settling down on the couch. She snuggled a blanket around her waist and tucked her legs underneath, finding comfort in its warmth. This had become her usual routine as a newly single woman. While most girls her age hit the nightclubs, she sat watching her shows – alone – from her favorite spot on the couch.
She logged onto her laptop, the screen scrolled to life with her family’s photo set as the background display. She remembered that day vividly, everyone scurrying to get ready. Her mom couldn’t get her hair quite right. Her dad sat patiently waiting without so much as a word, while Brad and she fought over the mirror in the bathroom. In the photo, their family appeared united and content, the preparation issues resolved.
“I need you, Mom,” Karsen whispered to the screen, lightly brushing her mother’s image with her fingertips. “I can’t do this alone. Please give me a sign showing me what to do. And when I say a sign, I mean huge blaring green and red lights.”
She surfed the web aimlessly for the next two hours, scanning for information on babies and pregnancy. The amount of information available overwhelmed her.
Maybe James was right. Maybe it would be easier to end the pregnancy.
She hated herself for even thinking what that meant. She’d listened as her mother had lectured her ab
out abstinence and safe sex. She felt as though she had failed her. If she terminated the pregnancy, she could avoid telling Brad. She could avoid telling her dad. No one but Hanna would ever know. But, how could she? She didn’t know if she could carry that burden. This was not how it was supposed to happen. She had always dreamed of having a family. How could she choose not to keep the baby?
18
“What you need is some good old-fashioned retail therapy,” Hanna declared after listening to Karsen’s depressed tone. “I’m coming to pick you up. Be ready in ten.”
Hanna hung up before Karsen could decline. Although Karsen appreciated Hanna’s concern, she’d much prefer to hide in her apartment and not come out until this whole fiasco was over.
Hanna appeared as promised and honked the horn obnoxiously. “Get your booty out here, Karsen!” she shouted out from the driver’s side window. “We’re hitting the mall!”
Karsen ran to the car and held her finger to her mouth like a mother to a baby, “SHHHUUSSH!” She climbed into the car. “The last thing I need is to get evicted. Could you keep it down?”
“A little noise never hurt anyone.”
“So, where are we going?” Karsen was less than excited to be going anywhere, but she knew Hanna well enough to know she would have drug her out by her toenails if she had declined. She’d rather avoid the scene or else, with her luck lately, find the police at her door breaking up a domestic dispute.
“Scottsdale Fashion Square. I thought we’d grab some lunch and then I need to see if I can find a new pair of black pants. On sale, of course. And then…I have a surprise for you.”
“A surprise?” Karsen wrinkled her nose.
“Yes, and you can’t say no.”