by Misa Rush
“Tell me what it is.”
“That would take all the fun out of it, now wouldn’t it? Let’s just say, you need it.”
At the mall, the girls wandered through several stores, mostly window-shopping as neither had a great deal of expendable income. But something about trying on new shoes and browsing through racks of clothes seemed to be working, as Karsen’s fears subsided – at least temporarily – and she felt almost normal for the first time in what seemed an eternity. Thank goodness for Hanna, she thought.
They took the escalator up to the third floor.
“Here we are!” exclaimed Hanna, her dimples deepening as a bright smile brimmed across her face.
Karsen looked around. “Nordstom? We can’t afford anything here.”
“We’re not here to buy anything,” Hanna said, grabbing a hold of Karsen’s shoulders and turning her to face the entrance of the in-store spa.
“I can’t afford spa treatments either, Han, you know that.”
“Surprise! You have a massage booked in twenty minutes. It’s already paid for. And, as I said in the car, you can’t say no.”
“Yes, I can. And I will. You can’t afford that either, although I must say I do appreciate the gesture.”
“I said it’s paid for. If you don’t use it, then a hundred and fifty dollars is wasted and I’ll be pissed.”
“Hanna, no! I can’t, really,” Karsen protested.
“Look, K, don’t worry about it. I bought used books this year instead of new. I’ve halted my expensive make-up habit, and I set aside some extra money for an emergency. Just go take your mind off your life for an hour. I meant it when I said you really do need it, and I want to do this for you.”
“But what if you have an emergency?”
“This IS an emergency, Karsen. You ARE the emergency,” Hanna said with terse impatience. “You need this more than I need extra money lying around. I’d probably waste it on some too-expensive gift for a boyfriend anyway.” Even though for Brad it would be worth every penny, she thought to herself. “Now, just go. PLEASE! They said it’s completely safe for pregnancy, and you can sit in the lounge and drink lemon water and eat fruit until you pop. I’ll meet you back at the food court in a couple of hours.”
“Okay, okay. One massage sold to the neediest girl on the street,” Karsen said sarcastically. She gave Hanna a kiss on the cheek and looked her in the eyes. “Thanks. I owe you one.”
“You don’t owe me anything.”
Karsen smiled and entered the frosted glass door leading to the spa. For one blessed hour, she was free of her anxieties and fears.
By Saturday the snow had cleared, but the air was still brisk outside Addison’s parents’ home as bubbles floated weightlessly through the air. Not simply one or two, but what seemed like hundreds of dainty circles dancing together in an assortment of sizes. Adelaide’s little gloved-hands extended, fingers open wide as she attempted to catch each one without success. She giggled continuously as she pranced in circles around the lawn.
“Why didn’t we have machines like this when we were kids?” Emily inquired of no one in particular.
“You tell me. I blew into that flimsy plastic wand for hours when Addison was a toddler. She could never get enough,” replied Mrs. Reynolds from her rocking chair on the porch. For the most part she was back to herself, but her energy still lagged and she had to rest more than she liked.
“These machines just make lazier parents,” Addison said, sticking her tongue out at Emily so she’d know she was teasing. She took the lid off the large pink jug sitting beside her and poured more bubble solution into the plastic machine. She watched Adelaide and with every movement she felt her heart drew closer to her. She looked so wonderfully content. So full of innocence. Addison couldn’t help but be mesmerized, wondering why adults couldn’t live in the moment like children do.
But Adie’s antics were not the only thing mesmerizing Addison. Through the blur of bubbles she watched coyly as Russell rolled the handle of one of her father’s new drivers between his palms. He wound it cautiously behind his head and took a slow motion practice swing. Addison lost herself in the moment, imagining his powerful arms wrapped back around her.
“Ad-di-son…” Emily exaggerated each syllable, bringing her back to reality.
She flung her head back toward her friend. “What?”
“You’re drooling.”
Addison’s cheeks flushed.
“Whatever,” she replied, embarrassed.
“He is unbelievably gorgeous. I’d drool too, but my husband’s here,” Emily sighed and they both laughed. “Thank you again, Addy, for inviting us over. Greg looks like he’s enjoying the male bonding. He needed this.”
“Oh, the joys of being a parent.” Addison smiled. “No need to thank me. You are always more than welcome, Em. And anyway, it’s nice to see Greg. I know how hard he’s been working lately.”
Emily glanced at Greg who was standing next to Russell and Mr. Reynolds. “Yes, he has. It’s nice to see him relax for once. I feel guilty sometimes knowing he’s sacrificing so much so that I can stay home with Adie.”
“You’ve got yourself a wonderful husband there.”
“And you could soon, too.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves…Anyway, c’mon. Dinner should be close to being ready. Let’s go in.” Addison replaced the cap on the bottle of bubbles.
“Adelaide, let’s go wash your hands. It’s time to eat.” Emily walked toward her still dancing daughter, extending her hand for her to hold and follow.
“No, Mommy! Bubbles! More bubbles!”
“Adie, sweetie. Aren’t you hungry? You can do more bubbles later, okay?”
“NO!” The little voice screeched. She folded her arms and tilted her chin down in an overstated pout. “I don’t want to eat. I want bubbles!”
“Adie. Now!” Emily’s voice was stern. Addison watched the interaction with a mix of envy and relief. She could enjoy Adie’s antics without having to struggle with the discipline. Addison ached for the bond of a child but watching Emily she questioned if she were capable of being a good mother.
“NO!” Adie continued to defy her mother. She pointed her finger to the empty chair on the porch. “Time out, Mommy!”
“What did you say?” Emily asked, astounded.
“TIME OUT, MOMMY!” Adie’s gestures grew more theatrical.
Addison held her hand over her mouth to hide her laughter.
Emily squatted in the lush green grass, taking herself down to Adie’s level.
“Look at me.” She held Adelaide’s hands still against her sides and waited for her to make eye contact. “That’s good thinking, Adelaide, however Mommy doesn’t do time out. Now, it’s time to eat.”
Adelaide’s lower lip began to quiver as she painfully maintained eye contact with her mother, a crocodile-sized tear brewing in the corner of her eye.
Catching the tail end of the interaction, Greg scurried toward his wife and daughter to help.
“Adie, listen to your mother.” He grabbed her hand and Adelaide finally surrendered. Emily turned off the bubble machine and grasped Adelaide’s free hand. Addison watched as the family of three proceeded toward the two-story, white house. Against the landscape they appeared idyllic, like a sample photograph in a picture frame where no one has a care in the world. No disagreements, no abandonment. Nothing but pure, uninhibited happiness.
Still across the lawn with Mr. Reynolds, Russell watched Addison as she gazed at her friend’s family. He wondered if she wanted a family as well. He did. He’d spent years building his career. Where there was once fulfillment, there was now a void. The money, the material rewards meant little with no one to share them with. He knew he’d distanced himself from relationships before, never allowing a woman to distract him from his career. But Addison was different. She was definitely a beautiful, intelligent and welcome distraction.
Addison turned and Russell met her gaze. She smiled, embar
rassed he had caught her daydreaming. He smiled warmly and winked as he continued toward the house. He knew there was more to her. Whatever it was, he was not going to let her get away.
Following dinner, Emily scoped an opportunity to approach Russell alone. She had wanted to talk to him all afternoon. Maybe it was none of her business, but she thought if he had a warning of Addison’s tendencies perhaps he could ward them off. She wanted to see her friend happy and if a little intervention was necessary, than so be it.
While Addison helped her mother back to her room to retire for the evening, Emily found her opportunity. She followed Russell outside where he had taken a seat on the patio steps. “Hey, Russell,” she began, uncertain how to gingerly broach the conversation. She sat beside him.
“Hello, Emily. I was watching Adelaide play earlier. You and Greg have a beautiful daughter.”
“Thank you. She is something else, that’s for sure.” They both laughed understanding the insinuation behind the comment. “It’s a good thing she’s cute, or Mommy may have sent her back to the stork.”
“Never. She’s an absolute doll, really. You are very blessed.”
“Yes, I have to admit you’re right there,” she concurred. She paused, contemplating whether or not she should proceed. She knew Addison would be livid if she stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong. Still, she couldn’t sit and watch Addison sever another relationship. Now that knew about Addison’s secret, she knew it was inevitable that she would push Russell away sooner or later. Emily was bound and determined not to let that happen.
“So Russell, you and Addison seem to be doing well.” She did it. She opened the door.
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Not too certain yet I take it?”
“I’m certain I think we’re progressing. Or at least I am. I’m just not sure on her end. She can be hard to read, as you already know.” He hesitated to offer too much information.
“Her reputation precedes her,” Emily smiled dolefully. “I see her look at you. She is smitten. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her like this. She always…” Emily stopped herself short.
“She always what?” he asked.
She hesitated. “Oh, never mind…Perhaps we should join the others.” Her conscience weighed on her and she tapped her foot nervously, attempting to end their conversation.
“She always what? I want to know. I need to know what cards are stacked against me if I’m going to make this work.” His curiosity piqued, leaving him interested in extracting any information that could potentially secure a more promising future.
“Let’s just say that she has a tendency to push people away before she allows herself to get too close. Call it a defense mechanism.”
“So she passes her comfort level and then pulls away?”
“More like pushes the emergency button like an ejection seat on an F14. The man usually doesn’t see it coming and is crashing and burning before he realizes what hit him.”
“I see,” Russell said.
“I didn’t understand what was going on until recently,” Emily continued in a rush. “She shared a part of her past that even I wasn’t aware of, but it’s not my place to share. I’m really sorry. I’ve probably said too much. I’m regretting this conversation already. If Addison knew what we were talking about, she’d kill us both.”
“Yes, you’re probably right.”
“But I think you’re good for her, and I don’t want to see her sabotage herself again.”
“I understand. Neither do I.” He said. “Why don’t we head back inside? They’re probably wondering where we disappeared to.” Inwardly, he wanted to press her for details. He knew Emily had Addison’s best interests at heart and would be hard-pressed to blatantly disrespect her friend’s trust. However, his determination to make the relationship work required knowing what pushed Addison’s eject-button. That may require some reconnaissance of his own.
Karsen looked for Hanna at the food court. Her massage left her feeling refreshed but also a little lethargic. She yawned as she scanned the crowd, finally spotting her fifth in line at Starbucks.
“Feel better?” Hanna asked as Karsen joined her in line.
“Yes. That was so relaxing. I can’t thank you enough.” Hanna ordered a mocha frappachino while Karsen salivated, knowing the caffeine was a no-no. Instead she opted to play by the rules and ordered a fruit smoothie.
The two scavenged for an empty table to no avail, so they settled for sitting along the edge of the water fountain by the concierge. Karsen watched as two children playfully threw coins into the water. She wondered what wishes they’d made.
“Hanna?” Karsen paused, dejectedly, as her eyes turned downward, focusing on the floor. She felt a drop of water splatter on the back of her neck. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Do what?”
“The pregnancy.” She felt defeated. Hanna put her arm around her and Karsen laid her head on her friend’s shoulder. Hanna didn’t speak. She wrapped her other arm around her and listened.
“I have no money. I haven’t graduated. I have no support structure. How could I afford daycare? Food? Diapers? Formula? I can barely take care of myself.”
Hanna couldn’t stop the tears forming in her eyes, knowing there was little she could do to console her friend. Grabbing both of Karsen’s hands, she looked directly into her friend’s eyes.
“Karsen. I know you don’t believe this, but you are the strongest person I know. I’m not saying you have to have the baby. I’m not saying you have to keep the baby. If you follow your heart, you’ll make the right decision. But, you have to make your decision based on facts. And the facts are that you would be, will be, a wonderful mother whether now or ten years from now. If there is a way to make it work, you will; if it’s not the right time, I’ll go to the clinic and help you through. Understand? You tell me when you’re sure.”
Karsen nodded, trying not to melt down completely in public. She sniffled and wiped the edge of her eye with an index finger. She scanned the area and was relieved to see no one took much notice of their unusual interaction.
“The Karsen I know does not give up,” Hanna said assuredly. Her head tilted down but her eyes held Karsen’s gaze. “And you do have a support system. You have Brad, your dad, and you always have me. I think I’d make a pretty good aunt.” She released her hands and saw Karsen give the tiniest smirk.
Karsen raised the back of her hand against her nose to blot another sniffle. “Hanna?”
“Yeah?”
Karsen exhaled heavily. “Do you think my mom could have had a secret like this? I mean, something she didn’t share with anyone but her best friend?”
“I don’t know.” Hanna blinked twice contemplating what she knew of Karsen’s mother. “Maybe. Why?”
“When I was home, I followed your advice. I found the jeweler that my mom used to make the charms. Except, he said that he made four pieces. If it’s true, then my mom had another one made that she didn’t tell me about.”
“Did you tell Brad?”
“No. He’s been preoccupied lately.”
“Oops. Sorry,” Hanna interrupted knowing, at the very least, she was one source of preoccupation.
“I keep telling myself it’s nothing and to just drop it. Not like I don’t have enough to worry about.” She swiped her hair behind her ear. “But, there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach, you know? My gut just can’t let it go.”
“Did the jeweler give you any indication of who she made it for? He obviously knows you.”
“Not really, except that it was made 18 years ago. He also mentioned she had a boyfriend, although I can’t imagine her making one for just a boyfriend. Unless, it was serious… I couldn’t think of where to look next. Until now.”
“Why’s that? What are you thinking?” Hanna asked.
“If we have this secret, maybe she confided in someone, too.”
“Maybe. Do you remember anyone she mentioned? Anyone sh
e kept in touch with from her high school? Anyone who’d know who she dated?”
Hanna slurped the last drop from her straw.
“The only person I can think of is a friend she used to e-mail. She lives in upstate New York, I think. I’ve seen pictures of her, but I don’t remember seeing her at the funeral. Actually, I wonder if she even knows. I thought my dad had contacted everyone, but maybe he thought we called her. How could we miss one of her closest friends?”
“Did anyone check your mom’s e-mail after the accident?”
Karsen fiddled with her straw, turning it in circles between her fingers. “Not that I know of. I didn’t even think about it. I honestly couldn’t think about much of anything those first few days.”
“Well, maybe it’s time we take a look-see. Can’t hurt, right?”
Karsen shrugged sheepishly.
“K, I know you well enough to know you’re not going to let this rest until you get some answers. Come on, let’s go. We have some hacking to do.”
19
The girls returned to Karsen’s apartment and booted up the laptop. Karsen impatiently tapped her foot as the search engine connected to the Internet. She knew her mom kept a free e-mail account. She clicked on the “Mail” tab and entered the front half of her mom’s old e-mail address into the box.
“I think that was her user name.”
“Do you know her password?”
“No, but I know what she liked. She wasn’t all that computer savvy, so I’m guessing it’s nothing too complex.”
Karsen thought for a moment and then typed in the dog’s name: Belle.
Invalid Password.
“Shit,” Hanna and Karsen chimed simultaneously.
Karsen typed again. This time she keyed in Lilies.
Invalid Password.
“Hmmm.” Karsen thought, then typed a third time: Lilies17.
“How did you come up with that?” asked Hanna.
“Her favorite flower and favorite number.”
Welcome Katherine!
“Ah!” Karsen pointed her finger at the screen. She didn’t know what to think about what she’d just done. Right or wrong, she was staring at her mom’s e-mail account.