by Misa Rush
She sat down on the couch and stared at the phone. Perhaps it was nothing. Her apprehension grew. Holding her breath, she highlighted Meg’s number and hit send.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Meg. It’s Karsen.”
“Hi, Karsen.” Meg’s voice sounded solemn.
“I got your text. Did you think of something else?” Karsen asked eagerly.
“Is this a good time to talk?” Meg asked, not wanting to subject Karsen to life changing news at an inopportune time.
“Yes. I just got home.”
“Well, all right then.” Meg contemplated where to start and questioned one last time if she should disclose the secret at all. She’d struggled with this since they’d spoken the night before. Forgive me, Kat.
Silence.
“So, was there something you wanted to talk about?”
“Yes, I’m sorry, Karsen. It’s just hard, you know. Your mother and I knew each other since we were five. We were more like sisters than friends.”
Karsen could tell Meg had been crying. “I’m so sorry again, Meg. I hated having to be the one to tell you about my mom. I know how close you were.”
Her heart burdened with the thought that she was about to betray her best friend’s confidence, Meg continued. “We shared everything from clothes to secrets. I want you to know that she loved you kids more than anything and would never intentionally hurt you.”
Karsen contemplated where this was going but didn’t interrupt.
“You asked me about another charm. I promised Katherine, your mom, that I’d never tell. I don’t know if it was the right choice or not, but it was her choice so I abided by her wishes.”
“What are you trying to say, Meg?”
“I’m saying that you are right. That there is another charm.”
“But, why wouldn’t she have told us that? Why keep it a secret? I don’t understand.”
“She didn’t want to hurt you. She didn’t want to relive the past. She didn’t want to upset the family. I don’t know all her reasons, Karsen, but just know everything she did was out of love. She loved you so much, Karsen. You and Brad and your dad. You meant everything to her.”
“So, she gave a charm to a boyfriend. Why is that such a big deal? Why did she think we would care? I mean, yes, the tradition was meant for our family, but it’s just a silly tradition.”
“Well…you are right. I mean…the jeweler was right.” Meg stuttered trying to figure out how best to explain. “You see, there was a boyfriend. His name was Alex. I don’t remember his last name, but your mother was head over heels in love with him. I remember he worked on his dad’s farm. He was quite handsome. Your mom was taken with him from the moment she saw him and they must have dated for close to a year.”
“Really? My mom never said anything about him.”
“Karsen, it was 1969. Well before she met your dad, of course. The Vietnam War was in full swing. She was devastated the day he told her that he had been drafted. No one we knew came back from Vietnam, so she made a decision. In ways she regretted it and in ways she didn’t, but she lived with it nonetheless. So she slept with him. He left the next day. Just up and skipped out on her, the country, everything. The jerk deserted her. She never did find out what happened to him, but she figured he ran to Canada.”
“Wow. I had no idea. She never said anything...not one word.”
Karsen thought of James. Perhaps that was why her mother never approved of him. Her mom’s first love had broken her heart. Still, Karsen didn’t understand why her mother wouldn’t have shared this with her. She remembered her preaching to her about premarital sex, but maybe she didn’t want to admit she’d done it herself.
“Your mom was crushed. She hardly left her bed for a week.”
“Oh? Then why would she make a charm for him?”
“Karsen, the charm wasn’t for him.”
“Huh?”
“Katherine…I mean your mom…got pregnant.”
“What? No! You’re making this up!”
Karsen’s eyes filled with tears. Pressure welled around her forehead making her head throb. She couldn’t think.
“I’m so sorry, dear. I’m sure this is a shock, but I assure you, I would never make something like this up. Back then the stigma of unwed pregnancy was much different than it is today. Abortions were riskier. Her parents were destroyed. They insisted she put her up for adoption.”
Karsen was speechless. Her mother? A baby? Meg referred to the baby as “her.” A sister? Everything in her reality jumbled.
“The charm?” she choked.
“The charm was for the baby. She had it made to match hers and left it with her when they took her away.”
“Where is she? Did my mother know where she is?”
“That, unfortunately, I don’t know and neither did your mom. She never looked for her. I know she named her Lily, but I would imagine the adoptive family changed her name. After she and your father had you and Brad, she was so afraid, Karsen. Afraid of hurting your family. Afraid of hurting the adoptive family if she tried to find the baby and get her back. She regretted giving her up, but her love for you and for Brad held her back. If you believe anything, believe that she loved you too much to hurt you.”
Karsen couldn’t help but wonder if her mother were still alive if she ever would have told her. Lily, lilies - her mom’s favorite flower. Her mom would buy a vase full of lilies every April seventeenth. It all finally made sense.
“Karsen, I know you may not understand, but she thought she was doing the right thing.”
Karsen was too distracted to respond.
“Karsen, I mean it. Call me if you need anything. Okay?”
“Okay.” Karsen echoed in shock.
They hung up. Could what Meg claimed be true? Did she really have a sister? Her mother had made a choice. And now she faced the same choice. Knowing now what her mother had gone through she wondered more than ever if she was making the right decision.
Karsen sat emotionless, in utter disbelief for the next five minutes. She stared at the phone deciding what to do next. She dialed home. Her dad did not answer. She tied her key back onto her shoestring and left her apartment. Phone in hand, she started running toward Hanna’s. The two-mile distance between her apartment and Hanna’s house felt as if it took the time to run a marathon. When she arrived, Hanna’s sorority sister opened the door.
“Is Hanna here?” Karsen panted, her face red from exertion.
“I think she’s upstairs in her room. Brad’s up there, too. I’d knock first.” She smiled. “Do you need some water?”
Karsen didn’t respond. She plunged past her and skirted up the steps two at a time.
Knock. Knock. Knock. She pounded on the door.
“Who is it?” Hanna’s voice sounded muffled through the door.
“Hanna, it’s Karsen. Let me in.”
“I’m kind of…busy. Can we talk later?”
“No! I know Brad is there. Open up. Come on.”
“Okay, okay. Hold on.” Hanna wriggled back into her shirt and Brad straightened his own before she opened the door.
“Sorry.” Karsen barged through the doorway.
“K, you’re red as a beet! Sit down,” Hanna demanded, handing her an already opened bottle of water. Karsen took a long drink. She sat heavily on the pink chair in the corner trying to slow her heartbeat. She was unsure whether it was racing from running or from stress.
“You okay?” Brad asked anxiously.
Karsen nodded, still catching her breath. She held her Blackberry in front of her. “Red and green lights,” she spoke, sounding like a crazy person.
“Huh?” Hanna and Brad looked puzzled.
“I asked for Mom to give me a sign. You know, for what I should do.”
“Okay …??” Brad looked even more clueless.
“Brad, I’ve been tracing the missing piece, you know, from our charms. I was about to let it go, but then I saw this. The green light flashed on
the Blackberry.”
“Are you for real, Karsen? I have no idea what in the hell you’re talking about,” Brad said.
“Karsen, maybe we should talk in private?” Hanna offered.
“No. It’s okay. He needs to hear this.” Karsen paused. “I know it sounds crazy. But, I asked Mom to give me a sign, jokingly adding the red and green flashing lights like a traffic light. Maybe I’m losing my mind, but when I came home the Blackberry was flashing red. There was a message from Meg. So I called and talked to her and now it’s green.”
“You can’t be serious, Karsen. Are you?” Brad asked.
“Yes, I am. I’m not stupid. I know the light changes for all messages. But, I asked Mom for a sign and I believe this is it. Mom wanted me to talk to Meg. She wanted us to know.”
“Meg, Mom’s friend Meg?”
“Yes. Meg knew about the charm.” She looked her brother in the eyes, tears welling in hers. “Brad, Mom had a baby that Mom and Dad never told us about. We have a sister.”
Brad’s back muscles tensed.
“No! Stop this nonsense, Karsen. There’s no way! Mom would have never kept a secret like that. And at any rate, she wouldn’t have kept it from Dad and he would have told us.”
“Well, he didn’t and Meg said he knew. Now I get why he wanted to bury the charm.” Hanna sat on the bed speechless as Karsen explained about tracking down the missing piece.
“I don’t believe you!”
“Brad, I wouldn’t make this up. Call him!” Karsen shoved her phone at him. “I’m telling you. He knows.” Brad hesitated. “CALL HIM!” Karsen yelled, pushing the phone into his chest.
Brad grabbed it and scrolled to their home number. Visibly shaking, he hit send.
Their father answered.
“Hi, honey! I saw that I missed your call…”
“No, Dad, it’s Brad.”
“Oh, hi, son. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I mean, Karsen’s right here.”
“Oh, okay. I was at the grocery store or I would have answered when she called earlier. Just wanted to get home and put things away before I called…your mom always took care of these things.”
“Dad,” Brad stopped him, “Karsen has some ridiculous idea that Mom had…that Mom had another child.” The words sounded false. He couldn’t believe he was even speaking them aloud.
Silence.
“Dad, can you reason with her?” Brad demanded.
Silence.
“Dad? Dad?”
Finally, he heard his father say, “I told her secrets only postpone the inevitable.”
On the other end of the phone, Carl rubbed his face with his hand and sighed in anguish.
“It’s true?” Stunned, Brad sat down heavily on the bed. He did not respond to his father, but instead held the phone back to Karsen.
“Daddy?” she asked quietly.
“She thought it was best,” he mumbled feebly, trying to explain while defending his wife.
Karsen instantly felt resentment toward both her parents. Even though her father had finally validated her suspicion about the missing charm, the validation provided no solace. Instead, her pent-up emotions spewed out uncontrollably.
“You knew? All these years and you didn’t say anything? We have a sister we never knew about and you thought that it was okay to keep it from us? What else did you lie about? What else did Mom lie about?”
She unloaded relentlessly. There was no response on the other end. Her clamorous tone drew the attention of Hanna’s sorority sisters, three of which were now peering inquisitively through the door.
“I’m sorry,” her father said, his voice full of regret.
Karsen looked at Hanna for support. “What am I supposed to do?” she pleaded with her friend, her question still audible through the phone.
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” her father replied on the other end.
Hanna raised her shoulders expressing her own uncertainty, her eyes wide with doubt.
Focused on Hanna, Karsen spoke again without thinking.
“Mom put her baby up for adoption and now look what happened. What do I do? I can’t have this baby!”
Brad gasped, comprehending her statement. Realizing what she’d said, Karsen dropped the phone, turned, and ran out of the room and out the front door.
Brad sat paralyzed. His father’s panicked voice emanated from the Blackberry on the floor. “What? What do you mean? Karsen? Karsen, are you OK?”
Hanna picked up the phone and articulated the only words that came to mind, “Mr. Woods, I’ll have Karsen call you later.”
21
Monday morning, Addison arrived at the office before dawn. She couldn’t eat. She couldn’t sleep. A mere twenty-four hours ago she was enjoying breakfast in bed with Russell. The scene repeated again and again in her mind with the outcome always the same. She and Russell were over and no matter how much she hated to admit it, she hurt. She had ignored the two messages Russell had left on her cell phone since she asked him to leave. She listened with a heavy heart to the last of the three messages she now found from him in her office voice mail.
“I’ve called five times, Addison. I won’t call again.”
Addison pressed delete.
She scrolled through the proposals for the new issue, tracking her revisions in red. An hour – maybe more – passed, and she started hearing her staff roll in and the office outside her door start to bustle with activity.
“Good morning, Addy,” Marjorie poked her head through the door. Immediately noting her employer’s unusually lackluster appearance, she shook her head and said, “Shit, Addison. You broke it off with him, didn’t you?”
Addison looked up from her desk with an expression clearly warning Marjorie not to go there.
“You’re going to end up alone like me,” Marjorie muttered under her breath just loud enough for Addison to hear. She nodded her head and backed out of Addison’s office, closing the door behind her.
Addison kept cover in her office the majority of the morning, speaking only to Jacob via online messenger. It was getting close to lunch time when Marjorie’s voice came through the intercom.
“Line 1, Addison.”
“Who is it?”
Marjorie hesitated, knowing she’d decline.
“Emily.”
“Tell her I’m busy.”
“I’m not going through this again, Addison. She’s already called twice. You tell her.” She transferred the call.
“Hello?” Addison answered disgruntled.
“Addy, what are you doing?”
“Working.”
“No, you know what I mean. Russell called. Are you really this stupid?”
“Stay out of my business, Emily. I’m a big girl.”
“Then perhaps you should start acting like one. He loves you.”
“What makes you think I love him?”
“Because I know you,” Emily said.
“You think you know me. Perhaps you should stop meddling in my business,” Addison vented. “What did you tell him anyway? I trusted you.”
“You didn’t trust me. You blurted it out by mistake. Besides, I didn’t tell him anything except that you have a history of pushing people away.”
Addison didn’t respond.
“Addy,” Emily softened her voice. “You can hate me. You can shut me out, but I’m your friend, your best friend – maybe your only friend – and I won’t sit around silent while you destroy your chance at happiness. I love you and I can’t live with that.”
“I’ve got to get back to work,” said Addison dismissively. “Can we talk about this later?” she asked, meaning as in never.
“You tell me when you’re ready. And, Ad, please call Russell before it’s too late.” Emily hung up the phone.
Addison stewed. She knew Emily was right. She would lose him. But that was for the best, no matter how much her heart ached.
Monday passed slowly for Brad, Hanna, and Karsen. Hanna attempted
to call Brad, but he avoided her calls. At the same time, Karsen avoided all of his.
Brad’s anger swelled. His foundation – his family – was crumbling around him. He felt betrayed, first by his mother’s secret and now knowing Karsen’s. Pregnant? How could she allow that to happen? And now? The timing couldn’t be worse. He was supposed to leave for the audition any day. How could he depart for Hollywood and leave her alone? Even if he did, his focus would be compromised. His natural instinct to protect and help her as he always did now conflicted with a growing resentment. “Damn it, Karsen!” he shouted, picking up a framed family photo and flinging it across the room.
The glass shattered against the wall.
Karsen opened her purse and pulled out the photo of the baby she’d brought from home after her recent visit, realizing now that it was that of her sister. She held the photo to her lips feeling as though it could speak to her. Karsen knew “Lily” had been adopted as an infant. She wondered, though, if her sister knew about her, if she knew she had another family other than her adopted one. Or if she knew she was adopted, would she even want to find her birth mother? Did she resent her mother’s decision? Would she welcome at her age – Karsen figured the now-grown woman to be in her late thirties – the fact she had a brother and sister? Maybe their mother felt she couldn’t or shouldn’t seek out her first born, but Karsen had to know the answer to these and so many other questions. She had to know how Lily felt about her life. Was she happy? Did she love her adoptive family? In her heart, Karsen needed to know whether giving her baby a chance at life was worth it even if she couldn’t be in it.
With a sense of urgency, Karsen pulled her laptop off the counter and booted up the system. She wasn’t sure where to start searching for a person, but in her blog readings on the ancestry.com site Karsen recalled remnants of advice. The first was to trace the person through the state they were adopted in. Each state had different laws regarding access to adoption records. She also remembered something about intermediary services. She logged on to the web and searched for “adoption in Indiana.” What if the adoption had taken place elsewhere? She reasoned she had to start somewhere. Her stomach churned thinking she very well may be on a impossible quest. She wondered also if Brad would approve of her search. Not that she really cared at this point. She was the one in her mother’s shoes, and she needed to know.