Family Pieces

by Misa Rush

  “I was waiting for you to ask.”

  “What is this?” Addison looked quizzically as she took the envelope from her mother.

  “She wrote it. Katherine wrote it and asked if I’d give it to you some day.”

  “I never wanted to hurt you, Mom.”

  “You’re not hurting me, dear. I knew this day would come.”

  Slowly, Addison tore the edge of the envelope and pulled out a hand written letter.

  April 17, 1969

  My dearest Lily,

  Today was the happiest day of my life. It was also the saddest. My heart is broken knowing that I may never see you again. For months we’ve bonded, you kicking me, me talking to you (under the ribs hurts, by the way). Now where there was life, there is emptiness.

  I’ve asked your parents to give you two things. I pray that they will and that someday you’ll read this and find it in your heart to forgive me. It was never my intention to give you away. I’m all but a child myself. Your father up and took off and my parents are so angry. I just want the best for you and I know I have nothing but my love to offer and, if not anything else, I know that it won’t be enough. I pray that the family receiving you loves you as much as I do. If they do, then I know you’ll be okay.

  They may change your name, but you will always be my precious Lily, the flower that grew within me.

  I love you more than you’ll ever know.

  Katherine

  Addison’s eyes blurred once more as she noticed the ‘i’ in Katherine was dotted with a heart, the trademark of a teenager. Her mother cupped her hand over hers. “She was only sixteen, Addy. From what I under stand, your father left and her parents forced the adoption.”

  “Why did you wait until now to tell me?”

  “I’m sorry. I guess I was afraid. I was afraid that you’d go searching for her and perhaps… she’d be a better mother to you than I ever was. The longer I waited, the harder it became.”

  “Mom,” Addison looked up at her mother’s face. “You were, you are, a wonderful mother.”

  “No, I wasn’t. I drowned myself in activities because I didn’t want to fail you. It was easier to hide behind nannies than to be a real mother.”

  “You didn’t fail me. You did the best you could.”

  “Maybe.” Her mom was crying, too. Addison couldn’t remember the last time she saw her cry. She hadn’t cried even when she was diagnosed with cancer. “Addison, I’m truly sorry.”

  “Sorry for what?”

  “Sorry that we, that Dad and I, handled this so poorly.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay. I let my selfishness hurt you.” “You didn’t hurt me.”

  “Yes. Yes, I did. She loved you, Addy. I saw the terror in her eyes as they took you from her arms. It’s an image that I’ll never forget. And I…I let you think that she didn’t.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not, and it’s my fault. Every time I see you on the brink of happiness, I think, maybe this time she’ll let herself be loved.”

  Addison spoke defensively. “My relationship choices have nothing to do with me being adopted.”

  “Whether you believe that or not, I disagree.”

  She didn’t want to argue the point further. “The letter mentioned two things. The letter and the charm, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why keep the letter from me? You told me the necklace was from her.”

  “I told you the necklace was left with you. I guess I felt the letter would push you to pursue finding her. I know it was wrong. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to meet her.”

  “Mom, you know I love you, right?” Addison asked.

  Her mother brought Addison’s hands to her lips and kissed them. “Yes. I know. I love you more than you know.” With that, her mother gently set her hands back onto the table and straightened up. She blotted the tears with her napkin and slowly reverted her face to normal, like nothing had happened.

  The remaining conversation returned to a superficial subject. As Addison opened the front door to leave, her mother grasped her hand.

  “Addy, he’s coming to the ball, you know.”

  Addison understood ‘he’ meant Russell.

  “Mom, it’s over,” she said softly, giving her mother’s hand a squeeze. As she headed down the walkway, though, a smile played upon her lips and she silently thanked her mother for telling her, a glimmer of hope growing in her heart.

  The sky was dark as Karsen exited JFK. She struggled with her bag, which seemed to grow heavier by the minute, and felt a growing uneasiness from being alone in an unknown city.

  “Hi,” Karsen said to the driver nervously as she climbed into a cab. A strong stench of vanilla air freshener poorly masked the smell of cigarette smoke. She handed him a paper showing the address for Urbane. The driver nodded and waited for her to shut her door before pulling away.

  She looked at her watch. Eight thirty-five. Please let her be working late, Karsen thought, knowing it was a long shot. She did own the company, so at least it might be a possibility.

  “This your first time in New York?” the driver asked. His accent sounded nasal. She noticed his arms were covered in tattoos.

  “Yes.” Karsen tried to sound confident, as if to let him know she knew what she was doing. A picture of him driving the cab down a dark alley popped into her mind.

  “Here on business?

  “Visiting family,” she replied, hoping to give him the impression people were expecting her. She didn’t know how far the airport was from her destination, but couldn’t help wishing they were there already.

  “Ah…very good,” he nodded. They drove silently as Karsen watched the meter continue to click higher and higher. Much more and she would not have enough cash to pay him.

  He pulled to the curb. “Here you go.”

  Karsen stared up at the building towering fifty floors above her. It looked dark, almost deserted. The fear inside her escalated and she sat paralyzed in her seat.

  “You getting out or not?” the cabbie asked, impatiently looking at his watch.

  “Yes. Thank you,” she said handing him a wad of cash. She pulled her bag out behind her and watched him pull away, leaving her alone on the street. She’d envisioned the sidewalks filled with people, with traffic bustling, the streets a yellow sea of cabs as she had seen on so many commercials. At night, it seemed there were few around. The street was eerily quiet. She shivered. She turned and entered the revolving door of the building. On the other side, security lights dimly lit the foyer. She froze again. How impulsive she’d been. She filled with panic. Alone at night in a city where she had no contacts and hardly any money. What was she thinking?

  “Hey!” A man’s voice echoed through the entrance. She jumped. The beam from his flashlight blinded her eyes. “You can’t be here,” he continued.

  “I’m sorry.” She sounded like a little girl. How she wished she had listened to Brad. Her eyes scanned the empty foyer. She could run back through the door, but where would she go?

  “That door should have been locked,” he said approaching her. He was an older man, tall with broad shoulders. His dark blue security uniform made her feel slightly more secure. Realizing she was probably harmless, he lowered his flashlight. “You looking for someone?”

  “Addison Reynolds.” She clenched the strap of her bag thinking if she needed to, she could swing it into his head and buy herself some time to escape.

  “Sometimes she’s here late, but not tonight. She expecting you, Miss?” He could sense her anxiety.

  “Not exactly. I thought…I would surprise her.”

  “You got a place to stay?” he asked, noticing her bag. She didn’t want to tell him no. She bit her bottom lip and stared back without replying. His demeanor softened.

  “Well, there’s a Starbucks in the hotel two blocks down. Open 24 hours. It’s usually filled with people even late at night. Ms. Reynolds usually gets in
early.”

  Karsen thanked him and mustered a weary smile. Clutching her bag, she walked back through the door and out onto the street. Glancing back, she saw the security guard wave and nod at her as he locked the door.

  She walked briskly, trying not to slip on the unfamiliar sidewalk hardly visible in the dark. A homeless man rested against the wall for the night. She walked closer along the curb to avoid him. The cold was excruciating to her thinned Arizona blood. Her light sweatshirt provided little warmth, but she hesitated to stop and pull a thicker one from her bag until she reached the coffee shop.

  As she entered the hotel lobby, the familiar green Starbucks sign gave her comfort. The recognizable décor made her feel out of harm’s way. The security guard had been right. There were at least ten people sipping lattes at tables in the café. A small group socialized, laughing together around a small oval coffee table. A younger guy sat alone, his eyes fixated on the screen of his laptop.

  She stepped up to the barista behind the counter.

  “I’ll take a non-fat, one pump peppermint mocha misto, please. Grande. No better make that a venti.” For a moment she hesitated about the caffeine, but figured one time wouldn’t hurt. To pull an all-nighter, she’d need all the help she could get. She rummaged through her pocket to find three dollar bills.

  The computer guy raised his head and laughed. She glanced toward him curiously.

  “You sound like my boss,” he said.

  “Oh?” she said uncomfortably.

  “You staying at the hotel?” he asked, noticing her bag.

  “Not exactly.” She noticed his tie was loose and his shirt was unbuttoned around his neck. “You?”

  “No. I work close by. I like to come here if I need to work late. The office gets, well, creepy when no one else is around.”

  She smiled at the fact a guy would fess up to feeling uneasy in a dark, deserted office building. She certainly knew the feeling.

  “Three thirty-five,” the barista said.

  She handed the barista her last three dollars and dug the change from her pocket.

  “You want to sit down?” the guy asked.

  Was he flirting with her, she questioned inwardly as she contemplated his offer? He had an honest look about him, but then again so did some serial killers.

  “Okay,” she said. At least she’d have company for a while. “I’m not going to keep you from your work, am I?”

  “Ah, don’t worry about it. Some people say if you’re working over forty hours a week, you’re doing something wrong. You know, wasting time – too many meetings, water cooler breaks and what not. Those people have never worked in publishing.” He busted out a broad smile. Karsen giggled.

  As she grabbed her drink off the pick-up counter, he rose and pulled out the chair across from him.

  “Thanks,” she said, as they both settled into their seats. “So, where do you work?” she asked, noticing he had the most amazing green eyes.

  “Urbane magazine.”

  Karsen gasped. She swore she felt her heart stop.

  “All the girls think I’m cool because I can get them the latest scoop before it hits the shelves,” he continued, misinterpreting Karsen’s reaction. “Don’t get too impressed, I’m the bottom feeder of the company. You know, errand boy.”

  “And by boss, you mean…? Karsen paused for him to fill in the blank.

  “Addison Reynolds.”

  Her face went blank and she spilt her coffee over her hand.

  “You okay?” He handed her a napkin.

  “Shit!” she exclaimed, shaking her hand.

  “Let me help you.” He dabbed liquid off her hand before wiping the spots off the back of his laptop.

  “Sorry,” she said.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Really, I’m sorry. Spilling coffee seems to be my trademark way of meeting men,” she joked.

  “Oh really? So, you do this often?” The dimple in his cheek deepened as he smiled.

  “Actually, no, just once. Twice now, I suppose.”

  “Boyfriend?” he asked. She thought she saw a twinge of disappointment cross his face.

  “Ex. But, I’m not exactly in the market right now. Sorry.” Who would be interested in a girl who’s already knocked up?

  “Yeah…the pretty ones never are,” he shrugged. “So, what are you doing here?”

  Karsen mulled over whether to disclose her purpose. She chose not to, even though the urge to find out more about Addison built within her. She couldn’t risk Addison finding out she was here. Thankfully, her phone rang, relieving her of coming up with a less than believable explanation.

  “Excuse me, uh, …?” Standing to excuse herself, she realized she didn’t even know his name.

  “Jacob,” he replied in a soft voice. She smiled and walked out of the coffee shop and into the hotel lobby, leaving her bag under his watch.

  “Karsen, where the hell are you? You said you’d call when you landed. That was two hours ago!” Brad screamed. She held the phone away from her ear.

  “I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”

  “You’re alone in New York City and you lost track of time? How the hell does that happen? We’re worried sick.”

  Karsen hoped “we’re” meant only Hanna and him.

  “You didn’t tell Dad, did you?”

  “What? That his daughter has flown over the cuckoo’s nest? Are you crazy? No. He’d be driving there now.”

  Karsen sighed in relief.

  “K, where are you? Do you have a place to stay?” Brad’s tone mimicked a father’s, expressing both irritation and concern.

  “Kind of.”

  “Kind of yes or kind of no? It’s past ten o’clock. Did you even book a hotel room?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “Shit, Karsen! Have you totally lost your mind?”

  “It’s okay, Brad. Calm down, I’m fine. I’ve been talking to a really nice guy.”

  “A guy? You’ve been there for two hours and you’ve already taken up with a guy? You are fucking crazy!”

  “Brad, it’s not like that.” He continued yelling at her through the phone. “Listen!” She raised her voice to interrupt. She cringed seeing the front desk attendant staring at her. Fearing he’d ask her to leave, she lowered her voice. “Listen…I found a twenty-four hour Starbucks in a hotel two blocks from her office. It’s just one night. I’ll be fine.”

  “Karsen, I’m just worried about you. This is craziness.” “I’m sorry you think so.”

  “Promise me you’ll be careful.”

  “I promise.” Reluctantly, she agreed to call him in the morning.

  As he hung up, he pulled Hanna close to him and held her, resting his chin on the top of her head. They stood quietly, both understanding the other’s concern. Karsen had a knack for needing help. Brad had a knack for needing to save her. Hanna felt caught somewhere between ‘the moon and New York City.’

  “Pack some clothes,” he said kissing the top of her head. “We’re going to New York.”

  25

  Jacob stayed and chatted with Karsen until midnight. She didn’t share details of her past relationship, or the fact that she was pregnant. Rather, they talked about her classes and his career aspirations. She shared her uncertainty about her own career. With a degree in communications, she anticipated a less than glamorous future. In reality, she had never pictured herself pursuing much of one. Most of her dreams about the future included living in the suburbs and driving kids to soccer practice.

  Without Jacob’s company, Karsen wrestled with exhaustion. Her eyes grew heavy and she yawned at least once every two minutes. Afraid to fall asleep, she charged another coffee to her credit card. The night barista attempted to make small talk, but she wasn’t interested. Her nerves tortured her. Sitting alone left her nothing to do but think about tomorrow. No matter how hard she tried to envision a positive outcome, negative thoughts festered in her head.

  “Wake up, sleepy head.�
�� A hand gently shook her shoulder. “You’re still here?” He questioned, noticing an intriguing familiarity about her that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

  Groggily, Karsen processed the familiar voice. Her eyes struggled to focus through her dried out contacts.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “I’m beginning to think you’re homeless,” Jacob replied.

  She groaned as she sat up. “No, just fell asleep I guess. What are you doing back here anyway?” She reached over her shoulder to rub out the kink. Her whole body ached.

  “Boss lady needs her coffee.” He lifted a travel tray with two venti-sized cups. “One for me today, too. Some girl kept me out past my bed time.” He tried to fathom why she would still be there. She seemed intelligent, not like some weirdo camping out in a public facility.

  “Sorry.” She looked at her watch. “Shit!” It was already well past seven o’clock. How many people had watched her drool on herself? She slunk down in embarrassment.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Jacob asked.

  “Yeah. Go. I have a feeling we might run into each other again sometime.” She attempted to smile, certain she must look a mess.

  “Looking forward to it.” Jacob turned to leave, thinking the chances of that happening were up there with winning the lottery.

  Karsen stared at herself in the ladies’ room mirror. Her mascara had smudged, leaving dash marks around her eyes, and her ponytail holder had slid down and now dangled two-inches from the end of her hair. This was not how she wanted to present herself, certain the ‘Hi, I’m your homeless sister’ look wouldn’t make Addison long for a reunion. She changed into fresh clothes and pulled out her make-up bag, trying every trick she knew to cover the dark circles under her eyes. Two ladies entered. They grimaced at her in disgust as if she truly were living in the hotel lobby.

  When she felt remotely respectable, she stuffed her belongings back into her bag. She closed her eyes and visualized a positive outcome one last time. “See it. Believe it. Receive it.” Wasn’t that the latest self-help catch phrase?

  She backtracked the two blocks from yesterday. People scurried around her, glaring in annoyance at her snail’s pace. Last night, she couldn’t get there fast enough. Now, her feet felt like they were burdened by cinder blocks. Maybe Brad was right. She second-guessed her actions and for the first time she questioned her sanity. Addison had clearly pushed her away. What if she did so now? What if she had her arrested? Then what?