Linger

by Claire Merchant

  “Yeah.” I exhaled. “I know.”

  “But you love him, even despite his selfishness.”

  It almost sounded like a question, but I knew it was a statement. I didn’t waste my energy in disagreeing with her. Instead, I remembered something else.

  “Wait, did you say that James is your new boss?” I frowned. “Is he that arrogant supervisor you were talking about?”

  Maria’s plump lips pressed together. “Small world, no?”

  “More like small South Coast.” My stomach growled. “You don’t happen to still have—”

  Maria flung the container of at me. I popped the lid and nearly cried in joy.

  “Eggplant lasagne,” I squeaked. “You really are the greatest, Maria. Thanks for always looking out for me.”

  “Mamma mia, someone has got to.”

  Someone. I sighed into the lukewarm food. I missed my dad a lot. I could mostly function effectively on my own, but some days were harder than others. I missed the company. I missed going home to someone. The shadows inside scared me more than those outside.

  I returned to that empty house though, because life went on, and my dad wasn’t due back for another couple of weeks. If he was coming back this time. He seemed to keep on volunteering for more assignments because he knew I was capable on my own now. It had been a while since he’d been home. I couldn’t remember when. He had been home for Easter but had missed my birthday.

  I woke up the next morning feeling bleak and dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. I sleepwalked through the morning, bumping into more corners than usual in the office department. I made a mental note to remember each collision for later when the purple blemishes coloured my pale legs.

  By five past eleven, I was almost fully awake but began to wish that I was still in my zombie-esque stupor. As awareness seeped through me, the stinging of James’ indifferent behaviour the previous two days made me feel like crying. But I didn’t. I also wanted to hide under the covers of one of the display beds or in one of the cupboards. But I didn’t.

  At the end of my shift, I had convinced myself that Maria was right and that James was no good for me. He was a drug, and I needed to give him up. If it wasn’t him hurting me now, if it wasn’t him doing what he always did, and unknowingly making me completely lose myself in the dream of a possible future, he was surely leaving for Europe in a couple of months. It was never going to end well.

  My feet felt heavy as I walked to my car at the end of the day, and I figured it was because of my heart, which had sunk to my feet, weighed them down. I wished that my dad was here so I had to at least pretend for him. But he wasn’t, so the gloom of James was likely to hang around until I allowed myself to move on. In previous experience, it wasn’t going to be a quick healing process.

  “Hey, beautiful,” James’ voice echoed through the underground car park. It plucked my nerves and made my heart rise in my chest. I looked around and saw him leaning against my car. He was flicking his keys around his fingers.

  “Hi,” I said quietly. I wasn’t sure if I was excited to see him, or disappointed that I was excited to see him.

  His lips pulled up in an irresistible half smile. “How was your day?”

  “Long. What are you doing here?”

  “I dropped by to see you. I wanted to say sorry, and convince you to let me cook for you tonight.”

  I sighed. “Why are you sorry, James?”

  “I wasn’t fair to you the other day when you came to mine,” he said, pushing off my car and sauntering towards me. “Or yesterday when I dropped by. Your friend kind of threw me.”

  I nodded. “So?”

  “So what?”

  “So I’m waiting for my apology.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Alice.”

  I kept my expression smooth, even if a part of me wanted to throw my arms around him.

  “I don’t believe you, James.”

  He exhaled, pacing around me like a lion might circle its prey. It was disconcerting, so I stepped back to corner myself against my car. He chuckled and scratched the light stubble on his jaw, then stepped towards me.

  “Alice,” he whispered, edging closer.

  I swallowed. “James.”

  “I’m very sorry. Won’t you please forgive me for being less than chivalrous for the last two days?”

  I huffed. “Two days?”

  “Fine,” he amended. “For as long as I’ve known you, I apologise for anything and everything I’ve ever done to offend you.”

  I pressed my lips together. “That’s a long list.”

  “Is it?” He smirked. “It didn’t stop you from hanging out with me.”

  He had me there.

  I shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment.”

  I was both surprised and impressed at how casual I sounded. His eyes sparkled in amusement.

  “So are you going to let me cook for you tonight?” he asked.

  I was losing my resolve. “What’s on the menu?”

  “Nothing that used to have a pulse,” he replied. “The rest you’ll just have to wait and see.”

  I looked down.

  “Come on, Alice. You know you’re going to say yes, so let’s just pretend that we bickered for a bit and cut to when you agree, okay?”

  My eyes narrowed. “You think you know everything.”

  “No, I just know you.”

  I exhaled. “Your place or mine?”

  He smiled in victory. I couldn’t even find it in myself to stay angry with him. To be honest, I couldn’t even remember why I had been.

  **

  James met me back at my house and cooked me a pumpkin risotto that gave Maria’s eggplant lasagne a run for its money. Not that I’d ever tell either of them. Both would let it get to their heads in very different ways.

  After dinner, he didn’t leave right away. I expected him to, but he didn’t. Instead, he washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen down, and served up some honeycomb choc-chip ice cream from the little ice cream parlour he’d taken me to. He did everything right. Everything except making me break the promise I’d made to myself, and the one I’d made to him. I was falling deeper in love with him by the encounter, and I couldn’t bear to think of what would happen if this continued and he left… when he left. Watching him walk away once affected me for years, and that was when we were just friends. Watching him go after I’d know what it was like to be with him… that was the kind of heartbreak that songs were written about.

  I don’t remember falling asleep, but I woke the next morning on the couch where we had been watching some generic crime drama the night before. The television was off, and James was gone. Beside me was a note:

  “You looked peaceful. I didn’t want to wake you. Come by after work. James xx.”

  I rubbed my eyes and then nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the time. I hadn’t remembered to set my alarm for this morning, and I needed to be at work in fifteen minutes.

  Crap.

  I didn’t have time to eat, and this disturbed Maria when she dropped by around one o’clock to have lunch with me.

  “I do not care, Alice,” she scolded. “Skipping meals is not an option. It is not healthy.”

  I patted my growling stomach as I appraised the food choices in the deli section of The Red Chandelier’s café.

  “Well, it wasn’t really an option, trust me. I was running late.”

  “Ah yes, because of James. James,” she answered. “The boy you are apparently seeing, but not dating.”

  “We’re not dating, Maria,” I mumbled. “He made that perfectly clear.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t care what you say, Alice, you are doing everything except admitting it to each other. There is no difference.”

  “No, Maria, I—we’re not dating.”

  “You are lying to yourself,” she answered. “You are denying it because you are afraid of what it’s going to feel like when he leaves.”

  �
��Maria.” I exhaled. “I can’t… I don’t want to think about that now. But maybe the fact that there’s a time limit takes the pressure off a bit. No matter how badly we screw things up with this more-than-friends, less-than-dating thing, he’s leaving the country.”

  “You are in complete denial,” she said. “You are going to miss him, Alice.”

  “Yeah, well.” I sighed. “He’s not going to miss me. He told me so.”

  She shook her head. “He’s lying just as much as you are.”

  I shrugged. “Maybe, but I can’t think that. I’m driving myself crazy without holding onto hope.”

  “Mamma mia,” she muttered. “You can do better than a man who treats you like delivery food.”

  “He doesn’t treat me…” I started and then stopped. I could see that people were beginning to stare, so I grabbed a cheese and salad roll, and placed it on my tray, then I consciously lowered my voice. “Look, what James and I are to each other, our relationship or whatever you want to call it, it’s complicated. We’re just… it’s sort of a comfort thing, and I—I like him. I might not like how things are, but I like him. If this is the best he can offer, then I’ll take it. I’ll make it work.”

  “You deserve so much more.” She pouted. “I just want you to be happy.”

  “Then please don’t say I told you so when he leaves and breaks my heart,” I whispered. “I just need you to be a friend.”

  She smiled. “I will always be that.”

  I exhaled and glanced down as my phone vibrated. I nearly dropped my tray when I saw it was a text from James. He was asking, no, telling me that I was going over to his place after work. He was asking what time that it would be. My stomach tied in a knot.

  “You do not have to go just because he tells you to,” Maria said in mild annoyance. She was fiercely independent for an Italian girl, and would not be told by men what she could or couldn’t do. Perhaps that was why she left Italy. She had alluded once that her father had picked out a suitor out for her but, apparently, he didn’t suit her.

  “I can’t say no to him, Maria. He’s—we’re running out of time.” I frowned. “But I—I’m scared when it’s just him and me. Or worse, when it’s him, me, his friend Scott, and whoever else.”

  “Then tell him you have plans with me.”

  I glanced up. “Do I?”

  “We have not had a girl’s night in a while.” She shrugged.

  I nodded. The idea sounded great to me, but I couldn’t deny that I wanted to see James too. Regardless, I sent the text and got an instant reply.

  “He—he said to bring you too,” I said slowly.

  “Mi dispiace?” she stuttered. “I’m sorry?”

  I gave a slightly hysterical laugh. “So? What do you say?”

  “You want me to spend time with my boss as he torments my best friend?”

  My nose wrinkled. “He’s not really your boss. You said yourself that he’s more clerical.”

  She muttered a string of Italian words that translated into incredulous disbelief.

  “Please, Maria,” I begged. “He was such a good friend to me in high school and it would be so nice for you two to meet without all the work stuff getting in the way.”

  “Alice—Alice,” she said with a theatrical pout. “You know I cannot resist your blue puppy eyes.”

  “So you’ll come with me?”

  She sighed. “One hour, I will go for one hour only. Ay, me, this boy is unhealthy for you.”

  “Yes, I know. But you’re my sponsor, so you can help me resist temptation.”

  “Si.” She groaned. “But even I can only do so much for someone who does not want the help.”

  I breathed a laugh and went to pay for my lunch, feeling a little more of a spring in my step as I went to find a booth.

  Chapter 5

  Converted

  “One hour,” Maria whispered as I reached out to knock on James’ door. I exhaled and let my fist fall towards the wood that suddenly wasn’t there. I turned back forward to see why and saw Scott standing in front of us.

  “Oh,” he said. “Alice, hey.”

  “Hey, Scott,” I replied with a smile. “Is James here?”

  Scott glanced at me, then at Maria. “Who’s your friend?”

  “This is Maria Facchin,” I answered. “Maria, this is Scott, James’ friend and roommate.”

  “Maria,” Scott repeated. The way he said her name was like a poem, a love song. “Have we met before? You seem familiar.”

  “No,” Maria replied slowly, seeming equally as captivated with him. “I—I think, I…”

  I drew in a breath.

  “Maria works with James at Eclipse, so you might have seen her there before,” I answered quickly. “Is Nina here too, or are you going to get her?”

  Scott blinked. “Nina? No. We—we broke up.”

  “Oh,” I sighed. Great. “So can we come in?”

  “Oh, right, yeah—James is… somewhere,” he said, stepping back to allow us entry.

  I pressed my lips together and continued inside, watching as Maria glanced to me, then to Scott, with stars in her eyes. If I was less cynical than I was, I would have called what I’d just witnessed love at first sight.

  “Hey, beautiful, I thought I heard your voice,” James said as he walked out from his room ruffling his wet hair with a towel. He was only half-dressed, wearing dark-wash jeans that hung off his hips. It was startling to see him shirtless. I mean, I had before, but that was at school swimming carnivals.

  “Hey,” I breathed, dropping my gaze to the floor.

  “You all right?” he asked. “You look weird.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Why is Scotty still here?”

  I looked up. “Uh, he met Maria.”

  James raised his eyebrow. “Maria.”

  “He broke up with Nina?” I asked in a hushed whisper.

  “Mm.” He nodded. “Drama, drama, drama.”

  “Kylie drama?”

  He shook his head. “Logan drama.”

  “Logan?”

  “Oh, yeah. They’re dating now, Logan and Nina,” James replied. “Which suits Kylie, of course, considering Logan is Greg’s bestie, and she and Nina are as thick as thieves.”

  “Right.” I blinked. It was practically a soap opera.

  Maria laughed and tucked her hair behind her ear. I’d never seen her this way before, all flirty and jittery. Scott’s eyes glowed as he smiled back at her. His cheeks dented in little dimples.

  “So this is awkward,” I sighed.

  James grinned. “Why?”

  I glanced at him and looked away again. “Can you please put a shirt on?”

  His smile grew wider. “Why?”

  “Because it’s rude to be half-dressed when you have company, and makes this whole impromptu double-date, hangout, thing, weirder than it needs to be.”

  James huffed and reached inside the room behind him to pull out a piece of white fabric. He lifted the T-shirt over his head and hung the towel on the doorknob.

  “It’s not a double date, Alice,” he answered. “Scott is going to his folk’s place.”

  I glanced to at Maria and Scott as he showed her through to the sitting room. He picked up his laptop and gestured for her to sit beside him.

  I turned back to James and raised my eyebrows.

  “You were saying?” I asked.

  “Okay, well Greg and Logan were going to come over anyway, so it’s not entirely a double date, thing,” he replied.

  “Logan is coming and Scott’s still here?” I frowned. “Are they going to be okay?”

  James rolled his eyes. “Of course, they’re brothers and business partners. Not even a girl can change that.”

  “Which part? The brothers part, or business partners part?”

  “Either, both.” He shrugged then nudged me. “Smile, would you? You worry too much.”

  I drew in a breath and let it out. “So what do we do now?”

  “Can I ge
t you a drink?”

  I shook my head.

  “You sure?” he asked, walking past me into the kitchen. “I have alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, depending on preference.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure? You still seem… weird.”

  I wondered if he really wanted to know that this was all new to me. We’d spent the previous evening in each other’s company, but none of it was acknowledged. Just like when we’d kissed. It faded into nothing, like a firecracker in the night. So what happened now? What were we now? I didn’t think friends with benefits counted if we weren’t sleeping together. So we were just friends then? Or close friends? Or… what? Maybe I was just worrying too much.

  James brushed his finger on my cheek and I froze.

  “Eyelash.” He smiled. “Don’t look so scared.”

  “Sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologise.”

  “Sorry,” I replied. “I mean… sorry.”

  He rolled his eyes before pouring himself some filtered water.

  “What’s with you tonight? You’re like a deer in headlights,” he said.

  I looked down to collect my thoughts. I didn’t know what to tell him, but it didn’t matter.

  “Yo,” Greg’s voice interrupted. “Hey, Alice, Jim.”

  “Greg.” James nodded. “Hey, Logan.”

  “Hi, James,” Logan murmured. “Hi, Alice.”

  “Hey, guys,” I sighed, then cleared my throat.

  “Woah, who’s the girl with Scotty?” Greg gasped. “She’s… attractive.”

  James glanced at me over his glass. “She is Maria, Alice’s friend.”

  “Nice.” Greg nodded as if complimenting me on having an attractive friend. “Scotty is a pretty smooth operator. But then, I guess Nina—”

  Logan elbowed him in the side and Greg groaned, then apparently suffered from temporary amnesia.

  “So where is Kylie tonight?” I asked, keeping my tone light.

  Greg shrugged. “School night.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “But it’s Friday.”

  James chuckled. “Ouch, Bennett, you got ditched.”

  “Quit it,” Greg mumbled.

  “She and Nina have plans,” Logan said, not making eye contact with anyone. “Girl’s night.”