by Jodi Picoult
I guess you’d know. A guy as romantic as you must have a girlfriend.
LUNA
Oh, um. . .well. . .
PRINCE JACK
What’s she like?
LUNA
Well, uh, she’s. . .
(looks at Jack)
About this tall.
(measures Jack’s height. As she talks, her light starts glowing)
She’s got dark hair. . .and brown eyes you could drown in. . .and big strong arms that can bench-press an ox. . .
PRINCE JACK
Bench-press an ox?
LUNA
(flustered, light fading)
Um. . .she’s the women’s wrestling champ in my village.
PRINCE JACK
She sounds great.
(beat)
Want me to carry your bag for a while? We’ve been walking for a long time.
LUNA
Oh! No, thanks, I’ve got it.
PRINCE JACK
What’s in there, anyway?
LUNA
Just a few essentials. Toothpaste. Tylenol. Whoopie cushion.
PRINCE JACK
You’re hiding something. Let me see.
He reaches for the sack but Luna wrenches it away as it glows for a moment. Jack reels backward, bumping into THREE BLIND MICE wearing sunglasses who’ve stumbled onto the stage.
MICKEY
Hey! Watch where you’re going.
PRINCE JACK
I beg your pardon!
(beat)
Can you help me? I’m looking for a beautiful lady, who may have been attacked by a giant in these woods.
MINNIE
Have you seen her lately?
PRINCE JACK
No.
ALGERNON
Neither have we!!
They all laugh.
LUNA
You must be the three blind mice.
ALGERNON
Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. . .the clock struck one, but the rest of us got away with minor eye injuries.
MICKEY
We’re the three visually challenged mice, if you don’t mind.
ALGERNON
I prefer “optically darker.”
MINNIE
Or “photonically non-receptive.”
PRINCE JACK
Frankly, I think this political correctness has gotten out of hand.
SONG 17: THE PC SONG
MICKEY, MINNIE & ALGERNON:
INTRO:
The world has changed -- these days
you might find yourself in trouble
to call a spade a spade,
when it would rather be a shovel.
I don’t know how it happened, but frankly I suspect
we’ve gone too far to make ourselves politically correct.
Red Riding Hood’s the one to blame for her incessant whining.
The Big Bad Wolf was simply fond of inter-species dining.
“What big teeth you have,” Red said, according to the fable.
Should have said the wolf was orthodontically able.
Come across three little pigs that you would like to greet.
Refer to them instead as the Other White Meat.
Mother Hubbard now is chronologically gifted.
Seven dwarfs insist they’re only vertically unlifted.
A hurricane’s a himmacane.
A heroine’s a hero.
A name can be a judgment call,
so make sure that you’re clear, oh.
It’s always hard to find a word
on which we all agree.
Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,
Or else we’re not PC.
Now we know that Cinderella just misunderstood.
The evil stepmother has potential to be good.
She’s not the only villain who’s been unfairly cursed.
Those ugly stepsisters were cosmetically diverse.
Jack Sprat’s wife was never fat, just differently weighted.
Sleeping Beauty’s certain she was medically sedated.
Amphibian American’s the new term for Frog Prince.
And Goldilocks, she’s not a blonde, her hair just sometimes glints.
A hurricane’s a himmacane.
A heroine’s a hero.
A name can be a judgment call,
so make sure that you’re clear, oh.
It’s always hard to find a word
on which we all agree.
Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,
or else we’re not PC.
(SLOW):
No one ever argues, instead we all can share.
No one’s ever bald, they’re follically impaired. . .
If you want to tell yourself we live in harmony,
don’t offend, ’cause that’s the trend.
Make yourself PC.
Make yourself PC.
MICKEY
We haven’t seen that girl of yours, but we’ll keep an eye out.
ALGERNON
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
MINNIE
Hey, kid, what’s in the bag?
Luna’s light glows, and fades.
LUNA
Come on, Jack. We better keep going.
They exit -- and the mice whip off their sunglasses and take out walkie-talkies.
MINNIE
This is Special Agent Cheddar. Do you read me, Pussycat?
Pinocchio and Ferocia appear on the side of the stage.
PINOCCHIO
Your majesty, it’s the secure line.
His nose grows, and he takes out a second phone from his pocket and listens in.
FEROCIA
Pussycat here. What have you got for me, Agent Cheddar?
MINNIE
The prince is on the move. I repeat, on the move. The Mousetrap has failed.
They exit.
FEROCIA
(hanging up)
Pinocchio, this calls for a disguise.
I need to look like an old hag.
(holds up her palm)
DON’T say it.
Pinocchio helps her dress as an old hag.
FEROCIA (CONT’D)
All I have to do is offer him something completely irresistible. . .a magical parking pass.
(She brandishes it)
One which just also happens to be poisoned.
Luna and Jack reappear. On the side of the stage, Hairy Godmother enters and starts doing her nails.
TREE 1
I don’t feel good about this.
TREE 2
Me neither. I’m petrified.
LUNA
Maybe we should go back. . .
PRINCE JACK
We can’t. Felicity is still out there.
An old woman appears (Ferocia), carrying a huge bag.
FEROCIA
Oh, my. I’m an old woman who’s weary and needs a moment of rest and who looks nothing at all like your auntie.
PRINCE JACK
Why, let me help you.
He takes her arm. Luna pulls him away.
LUNA
Your highness, I don’t trust her.
PRINCE JACK
Leo, don’t be paranoid! This nice lady probably lost her way!
FEROCIA
Oh, that’s right. I know I have a bus schedule somewhere.
(rummages through bag and pulls out pass)
Why, look at what I found. A parking pass for a magical spot that appears anytime you need it on Main Street!
Prince Jack’s head snaps forward. He is bewitched.
PRINCE JACK
Me likeeeeee. . .
LUNA
Don’t fall for it, Jack!
FEROCIA
Even at noontime!
As Jack snatches it out of Ferocia’s hand, Luna cries out. Ferocia runs off as Jack begins to contort and groan.
PRINCE JACK
It’s. . .EXPIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!
He dies.
; LUNA
JAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
HAIRY GODMOTHER
(sighs)
I haven’t even finished my top coat.
(dutifully)
Meanwhile, back at the bear cave. . .
LUNA
Hang on a second, you can’t just leave him dead like this.
The three mice stumble in across the stage.
ALGERNON
We don’t use the term “dead” anymore.
MICKEY
It’s “metabolically challenged.”
MINNIE
Or “living impaired.”
They stumble offstage.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
Honey, I’m in the business of midnight formalwear, not miracles. Although Cinderella came close. You should have seen her before I got hold of a pair of tweezers and a girdle. . .
Cinderella enters.
CINDERELLA
(angry)
Hey, you oversized moth: You. Me. Behind the carriage shed. Right now.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
Kinda busy here. . .
CINDERELLA
And for the record, I do not have and never did have a unibrow!
Makes a sassy gesture and flounces off.
LUNA
Can’t you wave your wand or something?
HAIRY GODMOTHER
Nope. His insurance won’t cover it.
LUNA
We have to do something!
They pick up Jack’s arms and legs and drag him offstage.
TREE 1
Wait a second. . .the mice weren’t really blind? And Ferocia wants to kill her own nephew? And Cinderella had a unibrow?
TREE 2
Beats me. I’m stumped.
SCENE 6: The bear cave garden
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Lost sheep found alive but dehydrated after surviving subzero temperatures overnight! Little Bo Peep overjoyed!
Mama Bear and Felicity weed. Felicity pulls out a whole plant.
MAMA BEAR
Dear, the weeds are the things WITHOUT the flowers.
FELICITY
Oh. . .sorry.
Hugo and Jean-Claude enter and watch the ladies.
JEAN-CLAUDE
It’s just a little small talk.
HUGO
No wonder I stink at it.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Bonjour, how are you today?
HUGO
Fine, thanks.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Not you. Felicity.
HUGO
Well, how would I know? I’m not speaking to her!
Jean-Claude SIGHS.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Mama Bear, can you help me in the kitchen?
He pantomimes getting the other two together, and she nods and follows. Hugo sits and yanks a plant out by its neck.
FELICITY
You’re only supposed to pick the little green things on the ends.
HUGO
I hate beanstalks.
FELICITY
Come to think of it, I hate broccoli.
She picks the broccoli and hurls it offstage. Hugo grins.
HUGO
Wow! You’ve got a great arm!
FELICITY
Well, um, it’s not like I practice my pitching or anything. That wouldn’t be very ladylike.
HUGO
Then you should steer clear of these hot peppers. A lady’s constitution is too delicate to handle them.
He eats one.
FELICITY
Oh, REALLY?
She eats two -- and then lets out an enormous burp. Hugo looks at her and burps even longer. Hugo grabs a watermelon, takes a bite, and spits a seed. He hands her a wedge of melon, and she does the same -- and spits it farther.
HUGO
(laughing)
You’re incredible!
FELICITY
Yeah. I make a great guy. And a really lousy lady.
HUGO
Who cares?
FELICITY
Everyone, that’s who. I’m supposed to laugh daintily and rock a tiara and dance waltzes -- when I’d rather be fishing or hiking or skydiving.
HUGO
Skydiving!?
FELICITY
What? Are you afraid of heights?
HUGO
You gotta be kidding me.
FELICITY
I have to work so hard to be someone
I’m not. . .it’s exhausting. Nobody ever sees the real me.
HUGO
(softly)
I know what you mean.
(beat)
I don’t know much about wearing tiaras, but I can teach you to dance.
FELICITY
You don’t want to do that. At my last ball, I broke all eleven of my dance partner’s toes.
HUGO
Believe me -- I won’t feel a thing.
SONG 18: DRIVING ME CRAZY (Reprise)
FELICITY:
Never felt like this before.
My blood pressure’s starting to soar.
These are feelings I can’t ignore.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy.
HUGO:
Must confess that this is a first.
Feel my head is going to burst.
And I think it’s gonna get worse.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy.
(MUSICAL INTERLUDE)
BOTH:
Never felt like this before,
but it’s you I do adore,
and I will forevermore.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy.
SCENE 7: Ferocia’s castle
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Extra! Extra! Thanks to [Insert name of local shelter], elderly housewife and pet dog no longer face starvation!
Ferocia is pacing when Pinocchio enters with the three mice. Eunice and Gertrude are reading by candlelight.
PINOCCHIO
It’s done, your majesty.
FEROCIA
You’re sure?
MINNIE
We saw it with our own eyes.
MICKEY
In a matter of speaking, anyway.
ALGERNON
It’s as clear as the braille on the wall: Jack is biologically defunct.
PINOCCHIO
Huh?