by Jodi Picoult
MINNIE
It’s the politically correct term for “dead.”
FEROCIA
Excellent. And the girl?
MICKEY
Not quite as dead. The giant has her at the bears’ cave.
FEROCIA
You three know what must be done. . .?
The mice salute and exit.
EUNICE
(gasps)
Mama, Jack’s dead?
GERTRUDE
But that’s AWFUL!
FEROCIA
Of course it is, darlings. We’re heartbroken, aren’t we, Pinocchio?
PINOCCHIO
Oh yes.
His nose grows.
FEROCIA
It’s perfectly normal to grieve.
(beat, then briskly)
All right, time to move on with our lives. . .come along, Pinocchio.
They exit, leave the girls alone.
EUNICE
Why would Mama want Jack dead?
GERTRUDE
I don’t get it.
EUNICE
There’s lots about Mama I don’t understand.
SONG 19: IF MAMA WERE NORMAL
GERTRUDE & EUNICE:
Some kids never travel by broom.
They have a station wagon.
Some kids get a puppy to love,
not a fiery dragon.
They’ve got a playroom to hold all their toys
instead of a dungeon that’s cold.
Wouldn’t that be quite a sight to behold
if only
Mama were normal.
GERTRUDE:
I bring a boy home and constantly fear
he’ll get turned into a toad.
EUNICE:
Sometimes it seems that my whole life
is a Buffy episode.
BOTH:
When baking cookies, you don’t have to add
poison right into the mix.
What will come next from her bag of tricks?
If only
Mama were normal.
BRIDGE
To get an allowance, we have to tuck
each flying monkey in bed.
June Cleaver, please,
We’re down on our knees,
could you adopt us instead!?
Some kids vacation to beaches with sun,
Not Guantanamo Bay.
Some kids never learn magical spells.
Instead they take ballet.
Some parents don’t set the school roof on fire
during the class show-and-tell.
I really think it would be pretty swell
if only
Mama were normal.
If only
FEROCIA
Girls, have you finished cleaning the torture chamber?
GIRLS
Yes, Mama.
Mama were normal.
EUNICE (CONT’D)
We might be too late to save Jack -- but we’re not too late to save Felicity.
GERTRUDE
We don’t know where the giant lives.
Pinocchio walks in.
EUNICE
But he does.
GERTRUDE
Pinocchio, you know where Felicity is. We heard you.
PINOCCHIO
Gee, look at the time. . .
EUNICE
If you don’t spill, Pinocchio, you won’t just NEED crutches. . .you’ll BE crutches.
PINOCCHIO
You sure are your mother’s daughters.
(beat)
This way. . .
SCENE 8: A meadow with cottage
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Country home vandalized! Blonde arrested for breaking and entering!
Goldilocks rushes across stage, laughing maniacally and brandishing stolen loot.
The Hairy Godmother and Luna drag Prince Jack’s body in front of Cinderella’s cottage.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
Good luck, sister!
Luna knocks on the door.
LUNA
Hello! Hello? Can someone help me?
Sleeping Beauty opens the door.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Is it naptime already?!
She curls up next to Jack’s body. Cinderella comes outside holding a pumpkin. Snow White and Grumpy and Sneezy hover at the doorway.
CINDERELLA
He’s not asleep. He’s dead.
GRUMPY & SNEEZY
DEAD!?!
SNOW WHITE
(with Grumpy and Sneezy)
Hello, there are CHILDREN present!
(MORE)
SNOW WHITE (CONT’D)
They don’t even know what happened to Bambi’s mother. We fast-forward.
LUNA
There must be something you can do!
CINDERELLA
Maybe Sleeping Beauty is right.
LUNA
What do you mean?
SNOW WHITE
Well, dead in a fairy tale isn’t 100% dead.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(yawning)
Yeah, it’s not like AIG dead.
SNOW WHITE
Or Bush Administration dead.
CINDERELLA
Or Britney-Spears’s-career dead.
(beat)
Sometimes you get a second chance.
SNOW WHITE
True love’s kiss worked for each of us. Why wouldn’t it work for him?
LUNA
His true love was stolen by the giant. How am I supposed to find her?
CINDERELLA
Prince Charming plays poker with the giant’s butler, Jean-Claude. I can get you there.
(MORE)
CINDERELLA (CONT’D)
(beat)
Not that I want to endorse the archetypical I-need-to-be-saved-in-order-to-get-a-happy-ending idea.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
But this time around, it’s the prince who needs saving!
SNOW WHITE
And besides -- this is always the best part of the story. Are you sure you want him resurrected, though?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
He might snore.
CINDERELLA
Or be a total pig.
LUNA
But you don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them even if they’re not.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oh my gosh. You’re right.
(calls offstage)
Honey? Wanna go rent a Disney movie?
SNOW WHITE
(calls offstage)
Sweetie? Wanna change Bashful’s diaper?
CINDERELLA
Baby? Wanna take a ride. . .
(she lifts the top off the pumpkin she is holding)
. . .In the convertible?
They all start to rush offstage till Luna calls.
LUNA
Could you take me to the giant’s cave before you go out on your dates?
SNOW WHITE
Oh, right.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Let’s make it fast, girls.
CINDERELLA
Totally. I need to be back before the stroke of midnight.
They exit with Jack’s body.
SCENE 9: On the apron of the stage
FEROCIA
Pinocchio? Pinocchio. PINOCCHIO!
Spies a note and reads it aloud.
FEROCIA (CONT’D)
Dear Your Majesty, sorry I’m not here. I had tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert. Love, Pinocchio. PS Don’t kill me.
(beat)
Must I do everything myself?
Grabs sword and stalks off.
SCENE 10: The bear cave
Eunice, Gertrude, and Pinocchio are in the lair.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Why should we trust anyone who works for or is related to Ferocia?
GERTRUDE
Because we’re pretty?
PINOCCHIO
What have you got to lose?
BABY BEAR
Our heads?
Suddenly the princesses arrive, with Luna and Prince Jack.
PAPA BEAR
I’m not running a funeral parlor.
MAMA BEAR
Bruno, the boy can’t help being dead.
SNOW WHITE
He needs true love’s kiss.
LUNA
Is Felicity here?
Felicity and Hugo enter holding hands. She sees Jack’s body.
FELICITY
Jack?? Oh no.
LUNA
You have to kiss him.
FELICITY
But --
LUNA
Please.
Felicity bends down and kisses Prince Jack -- while Hugo storms away, angry. Prince Jack sits up.
PRINCE JACK
Hmmm. . .nope, nothing.
He drops dead again.
LUNA
What? What’s wrong?
CINDERELLA
Sometimes the person you think is your true love isn’t your true love after all.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
What she means is: kiss him.
Luna bends down and kisses Jack, who sits up, kissing her fiercely, and then breaks off.
PRINCE JACK
Leo. . .?!
(manly)
So, uh, how about those [Insert name of local NFL team]?
Ferocia arrives, brandishing a sword.
FEROCIA
(to Jack)
What’s this? You should be dead. . .
(to Hugo)
And YOU, brother -- I am not going to let you ruin this for me again!
She runs at Hugo with her sword, but Felicity jumps between the sword and Hugo to save him.
FELICITY
Don’t! I love him!
Suddenly, the bag Luna’s been carrying starts to glow. A transformation: her long hair falls from her hat and we see she is the moon. At the same time, Hugo transforms from giant to king.
PRINCE JACK
(to Luna)
Whoa. Does this mean you’re not a dude?
(to Hugo)
And you -- you’re my father?
HUGO
Yes, son. I was king of Hanoveria until that witch put a spell on me that could only be broken by true love -- but who would ever love a giant?
FELICITY
Someone with a very, very big heart.
They kiss.
HUGO
Pinocchio, seize her. Ferocia, you’re going away for a long, long time. I’m exiling you to a Dostoevsky novel. And Jack. . .I think someone’s waiting for you.
PRINCE JACK (to Luna)
Um, uhh. . .you’re looking so lunar tonight. Not because you’re big and round, obviously, but because you’re, um, bright. . .
LUNA
Jack, it’s still me.
PRINCE JACK
(relieved)
Wanna grab a burger?
LUNA
I can’t. Now that I know humans CAN find true love, I have to go back.
PRINCE JACK
But I only just found you!
LUNA
Well. . .you could come with me.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
And that is how there came to be a man on the moon. . .
JEAN-CLAUDE
Monsieur, I don’t mean to nitpick, but the man ON the moon is Neil Armstrong. Don’t you mean the man IN the moon?
ALL
IT’S A TYPO!
SONG 20: ONCE IN A BLUE MOON
CINDERELLA/SNOW WHITE/SLEEPING BEAUTY:
Once I was a cynic,
but now I’m convinced.
I like it when the princess
can rescue the prince!
SOLOISTS (3):
Don’t matter if you’re tiny.
Don’t matter if you’re tall.
Love sends you to the moon and makes a giant fall.
GERTRUDE & EUNICE:
And most of all, this is true.
Can’t go looking for love, ’cause it will
Holy cow, stop me now!
Come and find you!
ALL:
It’s gonna hit you from behind.
It’s gonna sweep you off your feet.
You lose your heart and lose your mind.
That someone special that you meet
once
in a blue moon.
VERSE 1:
If you are certain you are lost and on your own,
Out there is someone else who also feels alone.
Don’t settle for a lonely game of solitaire
when you can join your hands and you become a pair!
It’s gonna hit you from behind.
It’s gonna sweep you off your feet.
You lose your heart and lose your mind.
That someone special that you meet
once
in a blue moon.
SOLOISTS (3):
Your tongue is tied in knots.
You’re dizzy and you swoon.
Your heart is beating faster,
but you’re over the moon.
GIRLS:
You’re only seeing him.
The rest is a blur.
BOYS:
You don’t know where you’re goin’,
but you know it’s with her!
VERSE 2:
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is deaf and dumb and blind.
Love at first sight.
Love’s first kiss.
Cupid’s arrow doesn’t miss.
VERSE 1 & 2 TOGETHER:
ALL:
It’s gonna hit you from behind.
It’s gonna sweep you off your feet.
You lose your heart and lose your mind.
That someone special that you meet
once
in a blue moon.
Holy cow, stop me now!
Once
once in a blue moon!
SHEET MUSIC
Over the Moon
Lyrics by
Jodi Picoult
Music by
Ellen Wilber
Wonderful Morning
Lyrics by
Jodi Picoult
Music by
Ellen Wilber
Wonderful Morning (reprise)
Lyrics by
Jodi Picoult
Music by
Ellen Wilber
Supersized
Lyrics by
Jodi Picoult
Music by
Ellen Wilber