“You never left by choice?”
He hesitated, then shook his head. “How could I? Life with you is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. But the situation hasn’t changed. Chatterley’s given us leniency, but once we finish this, I have to leave again, for both our sakes.”
Hearing him speak those words felt like poison dripping onto her skin. “What does he have on you? I assumed it was connected with your profession, but now…”
Adam cringed, but Lily pressed on.
“Tell me, Adam. I deserve to know.”
…
Adam had hoped never to have to reveal the full extent of his past. Those nightmares were better left behind him. But he couldn’t lie to his wife, not after everything they’d endured together. She deserved better.
So he slipped his hand against hers, which he held between both of his. “It’s not something that can easily be overlooked. It will ruin us both if it comes out. My life may be forfeit.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Is this about the money you took from Reid’s father?”
Adam burned with anger. “His father invested it of his own free will. A fool’s move, but one he was fully capable of making.”
“Under false pretenses.”
“Perhaps. But it was distributed in large part to those who needed it. Something he should have done to begin with.” Since leaving her, Adam hadn’t swindled the rich. He’d focused solely on building their lives together, despite the fact that she’d been nowhere near.
“And the leverage Reid has is worse?”
She must have read the truth in his face. He squeezed her hand, then dropped it. When he told her the full extent of the truth, he didn’t want the pain of her pulling free and turning her back on him. Softly, he confirmed, “It’s worse.” He tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling and wondering if there was a life after death, and if so, what his brother thought of him now. “My name is not Adam Darling.”
Lily’s breath hitched. “It isn’t?”
He shook his head. “Adam was my brother’s name.”
Her eyebrows knitted together. “You stole your brother’s identity? What does that mean for our marriage…”
His eyes burned, and he tried valiantly not to be transported back in time. Thinking of him, of Adam, returned him to that fateful day seven years ago. The gunshots, the stench of blood and gore mixed with ocean salt, the shrieks of pain. Men falling all around him on both sides. And his brother…
“Adam was my half brother. By chance alone, when we enlisted in the navy…” He clenched his teeth. “Well, Adam enlisted. I was stolen off the docks where I’d been doing odd jobs. We were thirteen. Either way, as luck would have it, we were assigned to the same ship. You can imagine my horror when I realized who he was and that he didn’t know of me at all.”
Lily opened her mouth, but he held his hand up to stall her. If he had to stop, had to say this more than once, he might not finish.
“Darling isn’t my surname. My father—our father—was a magistrate up in Northumberland. He had an affair with my mother, and I’m the result. I haven’t made myself known to him, though I believe he’s been awarded a larger jurisdiction somewhere closer to London. Adam… My brother was his legitimate heir.” He shut his eyes, still feeling the liquid pooling of blood flowing over his fingers as he’d held his brother in his arms. Adam had gasped for breath, his face ghostly white as he’d valiantly tried to tell his brother one last thing.
Live. Live for us both.
So Adam had.
When he opened his eyes, he found Lily staring at him, solemn. Her face was drained of color, her freckles standing out like spots on a canvas. She pressed her lips together. Oh, how he ached to pull her into his arms and take comfort from her. She was the only person he had ever met who held the memories at bay, at least for a few fleeting moments. This, talking about that day, drew him down into a deep chasm that threatened to swallow him in the past.
His mood darkening, he tried to focus on the positive moments. The time he had had with the brother he hadn’t known he wanted. Far too short a time.
It was good for him to speak of his brother like this. Someone ought to know the man who had died on that ship.
“After a few disciplinary sessions together, we learned to be friends rather than enemies. And despite the false name I gave the army when they snatched me, when he realized that I was his brother, he embraced me wholeheartedly. I’ve never—” Adam’s voice broke. Hot tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. “I’ve never had family like that. Family like you and your sisters have. I wanted it so badly.”
Lily’s figure wavered as more tears spilled over. He swallowed a thick knot. “We were chasing down a Spanish ship off Menorca. We outgunned them, but they were fast. They took us through the early morning fog. By the time it cleared and we saw the other ships they had led us toward…”
He shook his head, trying to keep himself in the present. It was too difficult. He felt the Mediterranean heat on his skin, the salt in the air, the sun burning off the fog. He heard the flap of the sails in the wind as it drew them ever closer to their prey. The shouts of the officers, which his brother now numbered among. The mad scramble, the imminent fear gripping them all.
His voice hoarse, he said, “It was chaos. Utter madness. Men pitted against men. Thrown into an unforgiving sea or blasted full of holes, and for what? Neither of us was fighting for anything worth killing over. We were fighting for rich men who’d decided they wanted to remain that way.”
He drew the bitterness around him like a cloak, taking solace from it. There was a reason he stole from the rich and only the rich. “My brother was shot. He… He died in my arms.”
Lily’s swift intake of breath returned him to the present, but the shadows of that day still clung to him like cobwebs.
“Adam, I’m so sorry…”
“Me, too. I’d give up everything, every penny I’ve ever had, to have him alive again.” He lifted his gaze, settling it on the woman he loved. “Though perhaps not you. Perhaps I’d give up everything but you.”
She blinked again, but her tears snaked down her cheeks. She reached out, clasping his hand. “I don’t understand. What does this have to do with you taking his name?”
Adam braced himself. “I didn’t see the glory in the fight, didn’t want the recognition for murdering other men. So after Adam died, I deserted the navy. It was chaos, like I said. I had hoped they’d think I fell overboard. He told me to live, so that was exactly what I did. I took his name. He no longer had use for it. I sailed to London to start a new life.” He looked at her again, drinking in the sight of her, despite the way it made his heart clench. “I don’t think I knew what it meant to live until I met you, Lily. You’ve changed my life. But if Chatterley carries through with his threat and sends the documents saying that he’s found Adam Darling, I’ll be punished for desertion. Perhaps even executed. My reputation, what I’ve done, will lower yours and your family’s. No one wants to associate with a man they believe to be a traitor.”
For a long moment, she said nothing. Then she turned away and frowned at her nightgown on the floor.
His heart cracked. There were moments in a man’s life that he would remember until the day he died. Lily turning away from him was one of them.
She whispered, “You didn’t kill your brother?”
He shook his head. “No. But I’ve killed other men.”
“Enemy soldiers.”
He nodded. “I don’t care how you justify it. I don’t see the sense in it. I won’t kill another man.”
“Which they would have made you do if you’d stayed.”
He swallowed and nodded, that very fate making him sick.
“And Reid has proof of your identity, that you are… What is your name?”
He swallowed hard. “Nathan. Nathan King.�
��
The burble of laughter drifted up from between her clenched lips. “Mr. King? It’s almost as bad as Mr. Darling.”
A smile flirted with the edges of his mouth, but it died quickly. If she would only look at him…
“But no, he doesn’t know that’s who I am. He thinks I’m Darling, and by this point, love, I am. In order to cast off my brother’s name, I’d have to invalidate our marriage. I’d never invite that kind of scandal upon you.”
A short laugh burst from her throat. She looked incredulous. “Don’t be absurd. If you can end this just by shedding your name…”
“I won’t. I meant it when I said you’re the only thing I refuse to give up.”
“Then marry me again!”
The way her eyes danced was intoxicating. He almost wanted to believe that it would be so easy. To change names like he changed jackets. “Too many people in London know me as Adam Darling. I still wouldn’t be able to stay here.” He hated to stamp out the hope written on her face, to have her turn away in dejection, but she needed to take the matter seriously. He hadn’t walked away from her simply because he hadn’t thought of a blindingly simple solution. “Would you consider leaving with me?”
I have a house for us. We can start anew. His fingers itched to show her the deeds he had in the bottom of his trunk. Instead, he waited with bated breath for her answer.
Her expression shadowed. “The shop. My family…”
“Sell it. Your family can come with us.”
To him, it sounded so simple. It was what he had worked toward during the years they’d been parted. But the look on her face was far more conflicted.
“Reid holds our debts. We’d have to leave London with nothing.”
Not nothing. He opened his mouth but shut it when she continued.
“You’re asking us to leave Papa behind.”
He’s dead.
Said the man who for seven years had clung to the only part of his brother he had left, his name.
Adam tucked his wife’s head against his shoulder, laying his cheek atop her hair. “Please,” he whispered. “Consider it.”
She didn’t answer. Her silence spoke volumes.
Chapter Eighteen
In the morning, Lily walked through the house like a ghost. She felt thin and transparent, or like a shipwreck crashed against rocks by a stormy sea. Adrift, she found herself in the sitting room, half hoping that her sister would be there. When Sophie was absent, she sank into the armchair, unable to support her weight any longer.
If she carried out Reid’s demands, Adam would leave her again. Long after he’d held her last night, she’d gone to bed without him and cried herself to sleep. If he’d heard, he’d kept his distance. For the sake of her own sanity, she must do the same.
She had no choice but to dance to Reid’s tune. If she refused, he might reveal the secrets he hung over Adam’s head. Worse, he had her family’s livelihood in his hands. If he turned them out of house and home, what would they do? Lily wouldn’t have the shop to support them. Their friends had dwindled. They had no one to offer them shelter. She had not a single soul to rely upon to provide for her family but herself, and Lily feared she was close to her breaking point.
She didn’t know what to do.
“Lily?”
She looked up at Sophie’s tentative expression.
“Are you all right? Did someone say something— Did Adam?”
Adam had said something to her, but not scathing. Illuminating.
She pulled her knees up to her chest, making herself smaller in the chair as she struggled not to cry.
Sophie rushed into the room. “Oh, Lily.” Despite the size of the armchair, her sister managed to squeeze in next to her. She wrapped her arms around Lily.
Her eyes were dry and red, her lips cracked and sore. She swallowed back more tears, more pain as she leaned into her sister’s embrace. For once, she wanted her older sister to hold the world’s ills at bay with her unfailing optimism.
“What is it? What did he say?”
She sounded fierce, like she was ready to take on the world for Lily. At the moment, Lily needed nothing more. If she faltered, she needed someone to stand and hold the family together.
“He says he’ll have to g-go. He cannot stay in London ind-definitely.”
Sophie stroked her hair, her hand gentle. “I thought you hated him.”
Tears spilled down Lily’s cheeks. “I thought so, too.”
Her sister hugged her tighter. “If he’s not willing to take you with him, then he isn’t worthy of you.”
The problem wasn’t that he was unwilling to take her with him. The problem was what would happen to her family if she left.
Leaving London had been their original plan upon their marriage. After Bristol, they had intended to seek out a small seaside cottage and live quietly on her dowry. Now, she had no funds. Her family had no means of supporting themselves. Mama would not contemplate letting out the servants’ quarters to poor families, let alone leaving the townhouse altogether. How would her sisters survive without her?
They needed her, but she needed Adam.
You’ve survived this long without him.
Not happily. Now that she knew the truth, her mourning would cut even deeper, for she wouldn’t have anger to temper it. If he left, there was only one man she could blame.
“Do you trust Reid?”
Sophie pulled back, confused. “I thought we were talking about Adam. Did Mr. Chatterley say something to you?”
Lily was hurt more by what he hadn’t said.
“No. He said nothing. Do you trust him? He has our debts in his hands.”
“He’s always been mad for you.”
Lily wrinkled her nose. “As a friend.” Perhaps not even that, given how he’d parted her and Adam. “I can’t imagine Reid being romantic with anyone. He’s too caught up in his books.”
Yet only a few weeks ago, he had said something that implied otherwise. Something she had missed entirely when they’d been friends. Her obliviousness had certainly been to her benefit.
Sophie answered, “Perhaps, but he’s loyal to the bone, and he certainly decided that you fell under his purview for protection. Didn’t you notice how hurt and offended he was when you married Adam?”
Reid had protested, but it had fallen on deaf ears. After all, Adam hadn’t hidden his nature from her. He had been honest with her from the very first day. Even when her memory of him had been twisted, at its heart Adam hadn’t been at fault. Reid had twisted the facts to suit him, to make himself the hero.
Lily swallowed hard. “He never liked Adam.”
“No, he didn’t.”
Silence enveloped them. She leaned into Sophie’s embrace.
After a moment, her sister asked, “Is it Mr. Chatterley or Adam who must leave London?”
“Adam.”
Sophie tsked under her breath. “If you ask me, you need neither of them. Both of them left you four years ago. Neither of them were here to gather the pieces when Papa died. They don’t deserve your friendship or your love.”
Her voice raw, Lily confessed, “I love him. I love Adam.”
Sophie stiffened, then sighed, melting around her. “I know.”
“I don’t want him to leave.”
“Then go with him.”
Lily lifted her head, turning to meet her sister’s gaze once more. “What would happen to you if I did?”
Sophie’s expression spoke volumes. Disappointment, shame, determination crossed behind her eyes. But she didn’t have a solution ready on her lips. If Lily left, no one would provide for her family.
“Would you consider coming with us?”
“Me?” Sophie blinked rapidly. She looked faint. “I…suppose I might, if there’s no home for us here anymore.”
&
nbsp; “And Mama?”
The pain on her sister’s face mirrored that in Lily’s heart. It disappeared a moment later, replaced by a grim determination. “Mama is a grown woman. If she wants to make an ill-informed decision, let her.”
Lily had never heard her sister sound so callous. “I can’t abandon Mama.” Which meant that, when she’d finished dancing to Reid’s tune, he would tear her marriage apart a second time.
She deserved better from him. However, the past four years of hardship had taught her how to make tough decisions. Lily had to keep her family safe, no matter the cost to her heart. If every moment between her and Adam was to be stolen, Lily had finished wasting them. She would take whatever time and pleasure they had left and pay the price for it later.
…
“I’ve been looking for you.”
Adam hesitated, then shut the door to his room. Lily perched on the edge of his bed, her legs crossed and her palms braced on either side of her hips. This time, she was fully clothed—a blessing to his sanity. Not that he didn’t remember every freckle that adorned her ivory skin.
He turned, shucking his jacket and placing it neatly over his trunk as he avoided her eye. He worked his cufflinks free of their holes and rolled up his sleeves. Every muscle in his body tensed at once, making it difficult to appear relaxed and casual.
“I wanted to give you the time and space to process what we spoke of last night.”
He’d needed the time to think as well. After holding her warm body to him for nearly an hour the night before, his composure had been in tatters. Think of what’s best for Lily. What was best for Lily were the papers in his trunk and a life far from Chatterley’s reach.
But Adam couldn’t make decisions for her. He could only do his part here and now.
“I’ve had time.”
The mattress creaked as she stood. Adam swallowed heavily, mustering what was left of his restraint. He cared for Lily. Not only the woman she had been, but the woman she was now. If he allowed himself to acclimate to her presence, he might never let her go.
And unless she changed her mind about leaving London, he would have to let her go.
The Price of Temptation Page 22