Deep Blue Secret

by Christie Anderson

  I wonder if you can feel that I’m thinking about you right now.

  Wow, this letter is getting pretty long. I probably should go to bed now, so that’s it for tonight…

  Love, Sadie

  While I read the letter, I reflected more about my dad. I didn’t know much about him. I wasn't sure my mom knew much about him either. He was a huge mystery.

  For a moment I closed my eyes and leaned back on the headboard, wondering who was more frustrating—the elusive boy from the beach or my father.

  When I was younger I wasn’t concerned about my dad because I didn’t know any better. I’d never known a life that included a father. The closest comparison I had was my grandpa, but I was only four years old when he passed away. I could barely remember him now.

  I loved my mom and we had a happy life together, but something inside me wouldn’t stop speculating what it would be like if I knew my dad. But there was really nothing I could do about it.

  Shaking off the thought, I sat back up and found the last entry in my diary. I was a little surprised when I realized it was from several months ago. Usually I wrote fairly often, but for some reason I hadn’t written anything since I started my senior year.

  I turned to the next blank page and began writing:

  Dear Dad,

  Sorry I haven’t written in a while. It’s my senior year now at school and I guess for the most part it’s been a good year.

  I had tons of fun over the summer. Heather and I were practically inseparable, as usual. This summer was probably the most fun we’ve ever had now that we both have cars. We spent a lot of time down at the beach or shopping, and hanging out at her house by the pool. Plus there was always some kind of party or bonfire going on with all of our other friends.

  Mom and I also went down to San Diego one weekend for vacation. We went to Sea World and it was a lot of fun. You might think I’m getting a little old for that type of thing, but I’ll never get tired of anything that has cute animals involved. Mom’s a grown woman and she probably had more fun than I did!

  Speaking of Mom…she always acts like everything’s perfect and wonderful, but sometimes I worry about her. I don’t want her to be alone for the rest of her life. Graduation still feels a long ways off, but I’m sure I’ll have to go out on my own at some point in the future and then she’ll be all by herself.

  Anyway, there’s actually something else on my mind I really wanted to get off my chest. It’s this boy I met today. I don’t even know where to start. I was feeling sad so I went to the beach and the next thing I knew this incredible guy was pulling me from the water because I almost drowned.

  And the weirdest part is, I think I know him from somewhere. Only, I have absolutely no idea how or why. I keep having these dreams about a boy with green eyes and I could’ve sworn this guy today was him, but he wouldn’t even tell me his name. Am I losing my mind?

  I just can’t get him out of my head. He was so amazing. It was like…my whole world revolved around only him. I think I could even be in love. But, seriously, I don’t even know who he is. Is that possible? The whole thing sounds kind of crazy, right?

  I think it’s very possible that I am, in fact, losing my mind. It’s not just the boy. Things have been a little tough lately. I’ve been getting depressed for no reason. It comes in waves and then just disappears. Should I be worried? You know I’m not much of a worrier, but lately I can’t help it.

  It’s like someone keeps pushing me into someone else’s skin for a while and then suddenly I’m me again. Even hanging out with friends isn’t as fun as it used to be and Heather keeps complaining I never spend time with her anymore.

  I haven’t told Mom about any of this. I usually tell her everything, but I’ve never had such crazy issues before. I don’t want to upset her.

  If you were here, maybe you would have some advice for me. Aren’t dads supposed to be good with that type of thing? I’m just guessing. I have no clue what dads are like, especially you. I have no clue about you at all. That’s so frustrating!

  I wish I could talk to you, even just for one day. At least then I wouldn’t have to wonder all the time. Who are you? What are you like? Why did you have to leave? Where have you been all this time?????

  I think Mom misses you even though she’d probably never admit it. She tries so hard to stay positive, for both our sakes. Is it possible for me to miss you too, even if I’ve never met you? For some reason I feel like I really miss you.

  Love, Sadie

  ***

  I must have fallen asleep. My body still leaned against the headboard but had slumped over a few pillows while unconscious. My knees remained pulled to my chest with my diary resting near my leg where it had fallen shut.

  The light hurt my tired eyes and my sense of time was all off. I glanced at the clock. It was almost 1:00 A.M. This was past the time I expected my mom home from work, but if she had come home she would’ve come in and switched off the light.

  I crawled over my bed to the window and surveyed the front yard, peeking through the collection of drapes. Her car was parked in the driveway. Huh. Was she home after all?

  Just then a faint noise sounded from the living room. It was probably her. I was relieved she might still be awake. After such a strange day, it would be nice to see her smiling face.

  I opened the bedroom door and my voice cracked down the hall. “Mom?”

  I scratched my head and yawned, poking my head in the living room.

  “Sadie, honey, you’re still up?” she said.

  I yawned again. “Sort of. I accidentally fell asleep in my clothes. I just got up to come say goodnight.” I collapsed next to her on the couch. “Plus I could use a hug from my favorite person.”

  For a moment I embraced her but she quickly tilted back to search my expression. “Sweetheart, is everything okay?”

  I would spare her the details of the strange afternoon. “It was just a long day,” I said. “No big deal.”

  Mom’s eyes looked puffy and tired. I wondered if she’d been crying.

  “Are you all right?” I asked. “You look like you could use a hug too.”

  She gazed across the room. “We lost one of our patients tonight. You know how that affects me.”

  “Oh. Sorry, Mom. Was it someone you knew well?”

  Her voice cracked slightly, holding back emotion. “It was an older woman, named Grace. She was a sweet lady. She was in my department for about ten days before she passed. I don't think she complained even once about the pain she was in. She was funny too, always making me laugh…” She smiled sadly, remembering her friend.

  I leaned my head on her shoulder. “That's what I love about you, Mom. You knew her just over a week and you were already wonderful friends.”

  She cleared her throat. “Well, I didn't know her that well. She was old. She lived a long and full life. I'm fine with it.”

  Was she trying to convince me or her?

  “Yeah, I guess,” I said. “But you know it’s okay to feel sad, right? I mean, you don't need to hide your feelings for my sake.”

  “Don't worry about me, sweetheart. I'm fine.” She patted the top of my hand.

  “Enough about me, I want to hear about your day.” She tucked one leg under her with a bounce. I recognized her fake, happy face.

  I didn’t push the subject. She had a rough night and I didn't want to upset her. It would be hypocritical of me to expect her to open up anyway, since I wasn't being completely upfront about everything either.

  “It wasn't anything special,” I said. “Just long and boring really.”

  “Come on, you have to give me more than that.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh, all right.”

  I scanned the events of my day looking for a safe subject of conversation. There wasn’t anything from this afternoon I wanted to tell her about, especially not the depression or the near-drowning accident. So I had to think back to school, which seemed like forever ago, and remembered my convers
ation with Nick Christensen.

  “Well, I have a date this Friday,” I finally said.

  She clapped her hands like a child at Christmas. I had a feeling she would like that.

  “Really? You should’ve told me sooner, silly.” She swatted my knee as if it were a crime I withheld such wonderful news from her. “So who are you going with? What is he like?”

  It was hard to feel her enthusiasm about my date with Nick when I knew the mystery boy was out there somewhere.

  “His name is Nick, but I don't actually know him that well.”

  “That's not a big deal,” she said. “That's why you go on dates, to get to know each other.”

  I tried to give her a smile. “Maybe you're right. He seems harmless enough.”

  She attempted to conceal a yawn. “So what are you guys planning to do?”

  She looked like she needed rest, but I knew she would try to keep going. I thought I'd let her off the hook. Plus, I was exhausted after such a long day.

  “Actually, Mom, I'm pretty tired. Is it okay if we talk about it tomorrow?”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Of course we can. I didn't mean to keep you up so late.”

  She gave me a kiss on the forehead. “Sweet dreams, Sadie-bear.”

  “Night, Mom.”

  I threw on my pajamas and slid under the sheets in my bed, ready for the day to be over. As soon as I closed my eyes, my body melted into the mattress like chocolate on a hot summer sidewalk.

  ***

  The next morning I prepared for the day as usual. I didn’t wear my rescuer’s faded, black sweater to school, but I did grab his intriguing silver flask with the mystery liquid inside. I wasn’t sure why I brought it with me. I guess I just wanted to know that a small part of him would be near me all day.

  I walked down the hallway expecting to find my mom but she wasn't around. The kitchen was empty too. That was odd. I went back to her room and knocked on the door.

  “Mom?”

  It was quiet for a moment, then the patter of footsteps. The door swung open. She was half dressed, her head wrapped in a towel. I couldn’t remember the last time I was ready for the day before her.

  “Morning.” She hopped on one foot yanking a sock over the other. “Sorry, I'm running a little behind. Give me just a minute and I'll get breakfast started.”

  I couldn't help but laugh at her. She leaned against the edge of her bed, the decorative pillows aligned neatly. Even when she was late, she never left the house without her bed in perfect order. It had something to do with an article she read about making your room a stress-free sanctuary.

  “No, don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll feed myself. I just want cereal.”

  “Are you sure? I'm almost ready.”

  “Didn't I tell you?” I said. “Cereal is my new favorite food. You have your meal and a beverage all in one. It's like killing two birds with one stone.”

  “Looks like I raised a multi-tasker.” She pulled a tank top over her head while hovering over her jewelry box at the same time.

  “Careful,” she joked, “you could end up like your mother.”

  She dropped an earring and plopped on the floor to search for it.

  I spotted it just behind her, hiding among the fibers of the carpet. “Here it is,” I said.

  She shoved it in her ear. “Thanks, sweetie, what would I do without you?”

  I laughed. “I don't even want to imagine.”

  She laced her tennis shoe. “I'm heading to yoga class this morning. I think I could use the extra endorphins.”

  “That sounds so good right now,” I said. “Maybe I should work out when I get home tonight.” I made a mental note of the idea.

  “Oh that reminds me,” she said. “I'm thinking about riding my bike to work today. So don't worry if you see my car here later and I'm not home.”

  “You're riding your bike? I don't think that's a good idea.”

  “Don't be silly,” she said, arranging her damp hair in a bun. “It's only a few miles away.” She turned to face me. “You think your mother’s getting too old to ride her bike a few miles down the road?”

  “No, that's not what I meant, at all. Not even close. You're more fit than most people my age.” I didn’t have to lie. She was incredibly in-shape for her age.

  The lines smoothed on her face, content with my answer.

  “You just get off work so late,” I explained. “I thought it might not be safe to ride your bike home alone.”

  “Oh you don't need to worry about that. I arranged a ride home with Mar– ” She stopped and corrected herself. “Dr. Jensen. He has a bike rack on his car. He offered to take me home anytime I want to ride my bike to work.”

  I knew exactly who she was talking about, Dr. Mark A. Jensen. I'd met him a couple of times over at the hospital. He was hard to miss.

  My tone was thick with implication. “Oh really? The most gorgeous and single doctor at the hospital just happened to offer you a ride, any time you want?”

  “It's not like that, Sadie.” Her voice was abrupt, but her tone softened. “He’s very handsome. But don't worry, we're just friends.”

  I never understood why my mom was so unwilling to open herself up to meeting someone. I could barely convince her to go on dates, let alone get into a serious relationship.

  “That's exactly what I am worried about. You have handsome men interested in you, but you won't give them the time of day.”

  “Oh please, that’s not true.”

  I folded my arms to my chest and sent her a look that said I wasn’t convinced.

  “I just want to focus on what's most important right now…that’s my career.” She paused then added, “And spending time with my adorable, irrational daughter, who suddenly thinks that she's the parent…”

  She made light of the situation, as usual. Of course, most of the time, I was happy to live in ignorant bliss right along with her.

  “Whatever do you mean?” I joked. There really was no use in fighting her.

  She grabbed her keys off the night stand. “I have to get going, sweetheart. Have a great day, okay?” She kissed my forehead with an exaggerated puckering sound. “And try to loosen up, Sadie-bear. You seem so serious lately. It’s not like you.”

  Mom scurried out the door as I mumbled under my breath, “I know.”

  At school, Heather and I walked to first period as usual. She asked me to come to her house tomorrow night to keep her company. Her parents were planning to be gone all evening at a tie-up, which was basically a bunch of people tying their boats together out in the harbor to have a party. Heather didn't live right on the harbor, but her parents owned a mooring to anchor their boat there. They'd been hanging out with the harbor crowd a lot lately.

  “My parents said I was old enough to, like, come with them if I wanted,” Heather said, sounding completely disturbed by the idea.

  “Maybe it would be fun,” I said. She looked at me like I should be condemned to an institution.

  Her voice was dry with sarcasm. “You're hilarious, Sade. Being trapped in the middle of the harbor with a bunch of drunk, old fogies is not exactly my idea of a good time.”

  “Yeah, I guess you're right. But your parents aren't that old. It's not like they need walkers to get around.”

  “Well they're old to me,” she said, annoyed. “So are you coming tomorrow, or what? My stupid brother's sleeping at a friend's house so we’ll have the whole place to ourselves to do whatever.”

  I wasn’t really in the mood to hang out, but maybe staying busy would help me avoid another emotional episode and keep my mind off the mysterious boy I had no way to find.

  “Sure, I'll come,” I said.

  She smiled, but it looked almost devious. “Good. And I want to go in the hot tub, so bring a cute bikini. No frumpy one-piece suits allowed at my house.”

  “Uh, okay,” I said, confused why it mattered what I wore. It was just going to be the two of us. Then again, this was Heather I was talki
ng to. Fashion was a top priority.

  I was bummed her younger brother, Danny, wasn’t going to be there. He was adorable. Last time I came over he rummaged through the neighborhood picking flowers to make me a bouquet. Of course, he always did things to purposely bother Heather, but I found it entertaining.

  “So Danny’s not going to be home?” I said. “That’s too bad.”

  She gave me a horrified look.

  “What?” I replied innocently. “I think he’s cute.”

  She laughed without humor. “Yeah, but you like everybody. You've probably never had a bad thought about anyone since the day we met in second grade.”

  What was wrong with her today? She was acting so snotty. Since when was it a crime to like people? Maybe if Heather tried it once in a while, she might see where I was coming from.

  “That's not true,” I said, folding my arms. “There are a lot of mean people out there, and I don’t like them.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You wouldn't hurt a fly and you know it.” She didn't mean it as a compliment.

  We left the hallway, now growing sparse of students, and entered the classroom.

  Heather waved her hand in the air as if shooing away a pest. “Now go sit down, before you sprout angel wings or something.”

  I spent the first ten minutes of class wondering why Heather seemed so annoyed with me. She did still invite me to her house though. I was probably just reading into things. I figured she was just in a bad mood. Maybe her brother made her mad this morning or something.