She’d come to the conclusion that maybe he’d been right in just making a clean break. How smart had it been to continue things when they both knew they had conflicting goals for the future?
“You still haven’t talked to him?” Devon asked as she deposited a basket of essential-oil lip balms next to the cash register.
Mandy shook her head.
“You can’t avoid him forever. It’s a small town. And you’re going to start looking different soon.”
“I’m aware,” she snapped, then exhaled audibly as she sank onto the stool behind her. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I know your emotions are all over the place now.”
Mandy glanced out the window at all the people going about their business, totally unaware they were walking past someone who felt as if her life had been turned upside down and inside out.
“I know you and Mom don’t understand, but I have to make sure I’m prepared before I see him again.”
“What are you afraid of?”
She shrugged. “That I’ll fall apart when I need to be strong. That it will hit me so hard that I miss him that I’ll burst out crying. That I’ll tell him I love him even though I know it’s not reciprocated.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Mandy shifted her attention back to Devon. “If he loves me, he has a funny way of showing it.”
“Guys are weird. They are about as good at showing their feelings as a cow would be at flying a kite.”
Normally that image would draw a laugh from Mandy, but she didn’t feel much like laughing lately.
Devon leaned her forearms against the counter. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I have this feeling things will work out.”
Mandy wished that were true. She did need to talk to Ben. Even though he didn’t want children, he at least deserved to know that he was going to be a father. She’d make it clear that her telling him wasn’t any sort of play for them to get back together. She wasn’t one who believed people should stay together simply because they had a child. More times than not it didn’t end well for anyone, including the child.
After work, she stopped to pick up a few items on her way home. And though she wanted to keep her pregnancy under wraps for a while longer, until she got used to the idea of impending motherhood, she nevertheless found herself drawn to the baby section of the store. She browsed past the cribs, marveled at the wee socks and smiled at bibs that sported sayings like Mommy’s Little Angel and The Ladies Love Me. When she reached the section filled with adorable baby clothes, she couldn’t help but caress the supersoft cloth between her fingers. The mothering hormones must already be flooding her body because she had the strong urge to fill her cart with little onesies, pint-size pants and dresses so sweet they threatened to give her diabetes.
Without thinking, her hand went to her stomach. This was really happening. She was going to be a mom. And sometime between now and when she gave birth, she had to perfect the lie that she was totally okay with doing it alone. Maybe by then it would be true. But thankfully she had about eight months to find a way to fall out of love with Ben Hartley.
Chapter Thirteen
Ben grabbed the new set of windshield wiper blades and headed toward the front of the store. He kept his gaze down, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone he knew and have to stop to chat. He wasn’t in the mood. He’d been delayed by traffic getting out of Austin, where he’d met with a state congressman who was interested in commissioning a saddle. Ben hadn’t even been able to fully appreciate the big step for his business because he was too focused on getting back to Blue Falls before A Good Yarn closed. He had it in his head that if he confronted Mandy there, she’d have to talk to him, give him a chance to apologize. His inability to do so was beginning to eat him up inside.
But the snarled traffic crawling away from downtown Austin had made him late getting back to Blue Falls, and the shop was already closed. He could show up at her house, but there was no guarantee she’d allow him inside. He’d thought about going anyway, even if he ended up having to yell his apology through the walls.
Or maybe he needed to take her unwillingness to talk as a sign from the universe that he should leave things as they were. He’d apologize via a voice mail for how he acted and walk away for good.
As he glanced up, he spotted her. Looked as if he wouldn’t have to park himself on her doorstep after all. He was about to take a step forward when he noticed the section of the store she was in. The baby section.
The way she was looking at a little pink dress covered in ruffles actually made his heart ache. She was going to be a great mother someday. Never in his life had he wished so much that he hadn’t come from the background he did.
He watched as she put her palm against her stomach. Was she imagining having a daughter someday who could wear that little dress? He remembered how much love had been in Angel’s eyes when she’d looked at newborn Julia and knew Mandy would be the same with her own child.
But then Mandy glanced down at her hand on her flat stomach and the world slowed to a complete stop all around Ben. Was she...?
The way she’d avoided his calls, how she’d refused to call him back made a horrible kind of perfect sense.
She looked up suddenly and spotted him. For a moment, she stood as frozen as he was. Her hand fell away from her stomach and she let go of the dress. He watched as she appeared to take a deep breath before turning and walking toward him.
When she stood close enough to speak, she glanced around as if to make sure no one was within earshot.
“You’re pregnant?” Saying the words sent a cold chill through him.
She straightened and met his gaze. “Yes, I am.”
“How?”
“I’m assuming the typical way. Just stick us in the really-small-percentage column.” She shifted from one foot to the other and crossed her arms. “Listen, I know how you feel about kids, so you don’t have to worry about this. I don’t expect anything. I’m living proof that a child doesn’t need both parents to grow up fine.”
She wasn’t saying anything that wasn’t true, but damn it if he wasn’t growing angry anyway.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“Eventually. Not as if I could hide it for long, right? But it was obvious we were done, so I had time. No need to rush.”
He detected someone approaching with a rattling cart and stepped out of the aisle to let the older woman pass by. When he felt like he could manage speech again, the search for the right words came up empty.
“I don’t know what to say.”
She smiled, but it wasn’t the kind of smile he was used to from her. “You don’t have to say anything. We tried to prevent this, so I’m not blaming you.”
“But—”
“Have you changed your mind about having children?”
He didn’t immediately answer, still not sure how he felt about the meeting with Christine and the apology she’d offered him. Did it change anything really? She might be sorry now, but she’d still had the capacity to do harm to her own child. And from what she’d said, his birth father had never changed. Could he be okay with passing on not only the predisposition for cruelty but also for substance abuse?
Even though he hadn’t answered her, Mandy nodded her head once.
“If you ever decide you want to be a part of your child’s life, I won’t stand in the way of that. But also don’t feel as if you have to be involved out of some sense of responsibility. It isn’t necessary.” She offered what looked like a shaky smile. “Goodbye, Ben.”
His mind screamed at him to say something, to stop her from leaving, but he couldn’t seem to corral a coherent thought. So he stood there in the middle of the store feeling as if he’d fallen against an electric fence while wet and naked.
&nb
sp; And like the lousiest excuse for a man to ever walk the earth.
* * *
MIRACLES REALLY DID exist because Mandy made it to her car without falling apart. She even made it all the way home before she couldn’t hold the tears in any longer. No matter how much she told herself that she could do this alone, the fact remained that in her heart she didn’t want to. She wanted to share this with Ben, wanted to share her life with him.
She wanted him to love her. To believe in himself enough that his doubts about being a father would go away.
It was sad that she wanted it all so much when it was obvious from his avoidance of her that he didn’t feel the same way.
She was still sitting in her car with tears streaming down her face when she heard another vehicle. Her heart leaped. Had Ben followed her? Did he change his mind?
But a look in the rearview mirror revealed Devon’s car. She swiped at her tears, not that it mattered. There was no way she could hide the fact she’d been crying. Why was Devon here anyway?
Mandy got out of her car the same time Devon did hers. Her best friend since childhood took one look at her and pulled her into her arms.
“I heard you saw Ben.”
“That was fast, even by Blue Falls standards,” Mandy said as she stepped out of Devon’s embrace. “I suppose everyone knows I’m pregnant now, too.”
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do.” She turned and walked toward the house then sank down onto the edge of the porch and patted the concrete frog on the head.
Devon sat beside her. “What did Ben say?”
“Not much. Said he didn’t know what to say.”
“I suppose it was a shock, like it was for you.”
“I know.” She sighed. “I’m not even mad at him anymore. Just...”
“Sad and heartbroken.”
Tears welled in Mandy’s eyes again. “Yeah. This isn’t how I imagined my life turning out. I always imagined falling in love would be a two-way street.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
Mandy shook her head. “No. I told him he didn’t have to feel responsible because it wasn’t his fault. He took precautions, and he never lied to me about how he felt about having kids. So it’s not fair to saddle him with this.”
“Saddle him... Do you hear yourself? Neither of you asked for this, so to my way of thinking the only fair thing is for you two to share the responsibility of raising this child. Even if you aren’t together.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then enlighten me.”
Mandy thought about the burns on Ben’s body, how those early years of his life had scarred more than his skin. Maybe having kids wasn’t the only thing he was scared of, even if he didn’t admit it. Even if he didn’t realize it.
“I can’t. You’ll just have to trust me.”
Devon shook her head and made a sound of frustration. “I just want to shake the two of you because it’s so obvious you’re perfect together. I’ve never seen you so happy in your life as you were with him.”
Mandy shrugged. “I’ll just have to find a way to be happy without him. I’m going to have a little one to help with that.”
After Devon left, Mandy made herself a healthy salad for dinner and returned to the porch to eat it and enjoy the peace of this little slice of the world she called her own. She would raise her child here, and who knew? Maybe the prince inside the frog hadn’t appeared because he was waiting for someone else. Maybe she’d have a little girl, and her daughter would be the Richardson woman who’d finally get her prince and a happily-ever-after.
* * *
BEN WAS AT the kitchen sink washing up after mowing the lawn when his mother came stomping into the room—at least the best she could on her healing ankle—and slammed down two bags of groceries on the counter.
“You okay?”
She didn’t immediately respond, just continued staring at the bags. Oh, no. He got the same sense of foreboding he’d gotten as a child when she’d found out he’d done something wrong and tried to hide it. She hadn’t flown off the handle, but her disappointment had hurt worse than any spanking or grounding ever could have. Not that she hadn’t dished out punishment, as well, but the disappointment had always scared him. He’d feared each time would be the one when his parents said enough and sent him back to the hell he’d come from.
He watched, holding his breath, as his mom slowly turned toward him. “Please tell me that what I just heard is wrong. Tell me that Mandy is not pregnant with your child and that you didn’t abandon her.”
His mom might as well have slapped him across the face and followed it with a swift kick to his gut.
“I can’t.”
“Benjamin Joseph Hartley, what in the name of all that is holy has gotten into you? I know you’re not that kind of man.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Not from where I’m standing. Mandy is a wonderful woman.”
“Yes, she is.”
“Do you not love her?”
He opened his mouth to respond but didn’t know what to say. Did he love Mandy? Was that why he felt so damned hollow inside? If this was what being in love made you feel like, why the hell would anyone want it?
His mom stared at him, waiting for an answer.
“I never intended to have children.”
“Why not? You’ll make a great father.”
“How do you know that?”
She looked genuinely confused by his question. “Because I raised you.”
“But it’s not your blood that runs in my veins.”
His mom took a step closer then stopped and gripped the edge of the countertop. “What did Christine say to you?” She sounded like a mama bear ready to defend her cub.
“It wasn’t what she said. It’s what she and my...father did to me.”
His mom shook her head. “You can’t think you’d ever do something like that. I know you, Ben. Even when you were hurting and lashing out, you did not have that kind of cruelty in you.”
He turned and faced the window over the sink. “How can I in good conscience pass on those genetics?”
“You listen to me,” she said as she gripped his upper arm. “There are countless people in this world who were born to all kinds of bad parents, and they didn’t repeat their parents’ mistakes. It’s a choice, not genetics. I would stake my life on the fact that you would never do anything to hurt your child. And you can teach him or her to be a good person just like you and Mandy.”
She must have finally said everything she needed to because she proceeded to put away the groceries without another word. He stood watching her for a moment, wondering about the right thing to do. He’d thought one way for so long, could he truly change? Did he want to? If he tried, would his lifelong fears let him be?
He felt as if he had a million questions fighting for space in his head but no answers. Not knowing what to say, he simply left through the back door and headed toward the barn. There probably weren’t any easy answers lurking out on the wide expanse of the ranch either, but at the moment it didn’t matter. He needed a ride to try to quiet some of the noise in his head. Maybe then he could find the answer within himself.
* * *
MANDY STOOD IN the middle of her tiny house and tried to envision where she would put a crib, how she’d make space for storing all the things that a baby needed. She imagined sleepless nights, exhausted mornings, worries about every cough and sniffle, about whether each cry came because of a tummy ache or something more serious.
How was she ever going to manage it all alone when simply thinking about it threatened to overwhelm her? She had an entirely new level of admiration for her mother.
Her thoughts drifted to Ben when she looked up at the loft. S
he hadn’t heard from him since she’d told him the truth about the baby, so she supposed she had her answer about whether he wanted to be part of his child’s life. He’d never lied to her, but it still hurt. She wished it was as easy to fall out of love with him as it had been to fall in.
The sound of an approaching vehicle drew her to the window. But it wasn’t any of the usual suspects.
Her stomach flipped when she recognized Diane Hartley’s vehicle. She really liked Diane, but she had no idea if this was a friendly visit or not. Chances were very good that Diane already knew she was going to be a grandmother, but Mandy wondered how she felt about that.
She pressed her hand against her stomach and took a deep breath before meeting Ben’s mother at the front door.
“Hello, Diane.”
“Hello, dear. I hope you don’t mind me stopping by without calling first.”
“Not at all. Please come in.”
Diane stepped inside and her eyes lit up. “This place is adorable.”
Mandy smiled at the other woman’s obvious enthusiasm. “Your son thinks it’s not big enough for human habitation.”
“I love my boy, but he doesn’t always know what he’s talking about.” Diane turned to face Mandy. “Fair warning—I’m about to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.”
“Okay.” Mandy probably should stop this conversation, but honestly, she was curious what Diane had come to say. Maybe a small part of her even hoped whatever it was would give her hope that Ben might change his mind. She knew the chances of that were small, but it was just going to take her a while to get over that tiny flicker of hope.
Mandy motioned toward the couch.
“Yes, let’s sit.”
Mandy noticed Diane’s quick glance toward Mandy’s middle, confirming that she did indeed know about the baby. Once they were sitting beside each other on the small couch, Diane took a deep breath.
The Rancher's Surprise Baby Page 15