I saved her for the night.
I saved her for now.
Chapter Nine
The quiet was beginning to burn, my skin already scorched with the heat of regret. I’d been curled up in a ball for 20 minutes, unable to calm my breathing as I waited for something, anything to tell me what to do next. When instincts told me I should have done something, that I should have thrown myself at Toby’s feet and begged for mercy, for forgiveness, for the brunt of this punishment, I placed my trust in the man who had made taming the beast so easy.
But maybe that was just an excuse.
Maybe that was just a way to make my cowardice into kindness.
The last time I’d left someone I cared about alone, I came back to find Gran twisted, a lifeless shell curled in her bed. Gran died alone because I was stupid enough to leave her alone, and when I really focused, I was certain I could smell the same stench of death in this house. If anything happened to Alex because I’d been so cowardly, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.
The first time I heard, I wasn’t quite sure it was real. Then, the soft knock came again, the familiar sound of a body sliding against the door. The handle jiggled, and fear tried to demand my cautiousness. I was terrified that it’d be some kind of ploy, that Toby’s anger had given him a power of control that I couldn’t fathom. I was terrified on what I’d find on the other side of the door, but with time, Alex’s voice came as it always had: with a scratch of annoyance and a forced cool.
“Open the fucking door, Lilah.”
Numbed legs rushed me forward, but as my hand rested on the door knob, on the lock, I felt myself freeze. I could trust him, couldn’t I?
“You’re alone?”
His hiss tightened my chest, and a dull thud told me Alex’s forehead was resting on the cool wood from the other side. “This is when you choose to take me seriously?”
Urgency pulled at my chest, but when the door finally opened, relief wouldn’t meet me. The grin I’d gotten used to, the only one that seemed to calm me anymore, was gone, and I couldn’t help but stare as Alex forced his way into the darkness. His right arm wrapped around his torso, protecting an ache that came with every beat of his weakened heart. His face, his hair, had matted with the blood from his lip, his nose, his broken brow, but the low light offered him enough cover to move. Alex forced me back a foot as he closed the door behind himself, slamming each lock into place before resting again on the frame.
“Alex.”
My strangled voice snapped his head to the side, and for a moment, confusion laced the man’s face. He’d been so used to being unstoppable for so long, so used to silence and solitude, that it took him a moment to remember the taste of kindness, of care. His hand journeyed to his face as he followed my gaze, and his features screwed with pain as his fingers danced over his injured nose.
“It’s fine.”
“That guy did this?” Even as I spoke, I knew it was stupid. I was pathetic, trying to grasp at hope that had never really lived. “Jax did this?”
“No.”
This time, it was fear for both of us that tightened my chest. I’d heard stories of the two brothers for the better part of a year, warm memories laced with a dark pain in those late-night calls. If Toby could so easy do this to the man who had helped him, had sacrificed for him, what was that supposed to mean for the rest of us? If Alex couldn’t calm him anymore, how long was it until we faced the truth?
Alex had to know that the only way to stop Toby from biting was to pull out his teeth.
I wouldn’t let the shudder of my soul shake my movements. My head tilted to the side as I tried to get a better look at the damage, but when my hand reached for his face, Alex swatted it away painfully. My hardened look didn’t gain any attention, and when I tried again, all I got was a snarl.
“Just let me look at it,” I hissed. His jaw tightened, and I tried again. “Please let me help, Alex.”
Gentle tones seemed to wear down the last of his defenses, and while Alex’s gaze remained on the ground in front of us, he allowed his shoulders to relax down his back. He didn’t fight me when my fingers laced with his own, and hesitation didn’t slow us as I led him to the bathroom. Though, the light always seemed dull when we’d ventured this deep into the blackness. The flick of the switch only illuminated a new depth of empathy, a new ache in my soul. The man wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t glance at his reflection, but it didn’t do much to hide the broken pieces.
“It’s not that bad.” The lie forced a twitch of a smile to his face, and finally, the man raised his chin to me. “Sit.”
“Lilah.” Our eyes locked, and for a moment, I felt myself waver. Was it really so impossible to accept help from me? Was I never supposed to repay the selfless sacrifice? When I refused to look down, the man conceded, taking the same seat that I had taken just days before. “Fine.”
A new sense of urgency flooded my system. Anything I was going to do would have to be quick— Alex’s endless patience had already reached a wall, and the pout that worked so well on the lion would hardly work on the gladiator. From a crouched position, I stole the first aid kit hidden beneath the sink, and then settled back into the space between Alex’s thighs. I didn’t know much about first aid, but reason told me I’d have to clean the blood first.
Not that focusing was possible when those eyes were watching my every move.
“What did he tell you to make you feel so fuckin’ sorry for him?” My jaw hardened, my eyes dancing over to him for just a second. Then, I brought my attention back to his treatment. “Is there anything you do hate, Rabbit?”
Despite myself, I felt a smile creep over my features. Tossing the dirtied cloth back in the sink, I tugged the white kit closer to us. When I hesitated on what to do next, Alex’s gentle touch guided the way. His nimble fingers reached for an antiseptic wipe, and as quickly as I could, I tore the package open. With a hand on his cheek to steady him, to steady us, I worked on disinfecting any wounds I could see.
“I hate seeing bad things happen to good people.”
“I’m not a good person.” The statement seemed so silly that it was hard to pay any attention to. My face twisted into a grimace and my fingers continued to work gently against his skin, but ignorance only ever seemed to drive Alex to the edge. Painfully, his fingers wrapped around my forearm, leaving a series of new bruises I’d never really let heal. “Say it.”
“Let go of my arm.”
“Say it.” When our eyes locked, I stiffened myself as much as I could. Lying to him, fighting with him, wasn’t going to do either of us any good— not tonight. I jerked my arm from his grip, and when he didn’t shove me away, I settled back between his thighs, my hand back on his cheek and my attention on his busted brow. Somehow, the defiance seemed to relax him. “Hell of a time to grow a backbone.”
“I don’t hate Toby. I just hate what he chose to do,” I explained. When he threatened to shift, when his brow moved with intrigue, I hissed for him to stay still. “Toby chose to take me. No one held a gun to his head.” A careful wipe brought a hiss of pain to his lips, but I continued anyway. “You’re here because you’re trying to protect your brother. It’s different.”
With my hand on his cheek, I could almost feel the boiling of his blood. In a single movement, Alex jerked his face out of my grip, and my hands settled uselessly on his thighs. His eyes narrowed as they scanned my face.
“Don’t make it out like we’re the same.”
“How are we not?” The choked question only brought another snarl of annoyance. My fingers dug a little deeper into his thighs. “Victims of circumst—”
“I’m not a victim of shit,” Alex hissed, his vision turning deadly. “You can’t keep dressing me up into something I’m not.”
“I didn’t.”
“Then hate me,” he snarled, pushing me forward as he brought himself to his feet. “If you’re not making me the hero, then realize that I’m just as much a villain in this shit.”
Swallowing, I refused to let myself shrink under his expectant gaze. My entire life I’d bowed for the demands of others, but this dark pressure only brought light to another weakness. I straightened my spine, arms crossing over my chest as I murmured out the only truth I really knew anymore.
“I can’t hate you, Alex.”
The confession wouldn’t soften him. The words one brother craved only seemed to put the other in an early grave. Alex hissed in agony, grinned in a deep pain. “Then you’re an idiot,” he spat. “Because we’re not all good people, Lilah.”
“Alex.”
“I’ve killed for that shit head just for some demented sense of loyalty. People nicer and kinder and more deserving than I’ve ever been.”
“You’re trying to take care of him.”
“What the fuck does that even mean anymore?” A dark chuckle drew his fingers to his hair, knotted the few piece left untainted by blood. “What the fuck does that even mean, Lilah? He’s in love with you, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about fucking you. That’s how much my loyalty means. How is that taking care of him? I can’t even keep my loyalty and my dick separated.”
None of it was right.
If I had a thousand years to examine it, I couldn’t make any of it right. Nothing made sense about the way he paused, about the way Alex so effortlessly stole the air from the room. Control tensed every one of his muscles, dark eyes torn between devouring me and sacrificing himself, and when this hunger became too much, I surrendered the last bit I had left. He wouldn’t budge as I moved closer, worried he’d scare me off with a single movement, a single word. When I cupped his cheek, kissing him softly, things stayed like that— lost in an undertow for just a moment. Fear kept him gentle, kept his movements slow as his lips molded to mine.
Though, the softness was only one part of him I craved, and as his hands found their way to my waist, I welcomed the fierceness I’d come to need.
There was a care in the way he gripped me, in the aggression as he pushed me back against the door. The ache disappeared as his fingers tangled in my hair, and his hands travelled over every inch of me as he pulled yet another chorus of moans from my lips. Whatever this thing was, this sickness that so easily filled our souls, I had to believe that we’d never make it out alive. There was no grace waiting for us at the end of this.
But then, nothing in life was fair.
When Alex’s hands dug into my ass, I wrapped my legs around his waist, my lips never once leaving his hungry mouth. His grin didn’t return until I found myself dropped against the mattress, another ache kissed away with an adoration I couldn’t decode. His hands didn’t waste any time, his grin growing more devilish as he stripped me out of my shirt, as he peeled the denim off my legs, as he revealed a tattooed chest I’d spend the rest of my life craving. Eagerness laced his every movement, dreams having prepared our muscles for every movement, but then, towering over top of me, I watched him falter. Alex wouldn’t let himself get lost in this lust— not the way I had. As the head of his cock slipped over my entrance, reality tinted our rose-coloured world. Another moment of disgust washed over his face, and when his eyes landed back on me, my face twisted into a sad type of sympathy. Hovering above, lips only inches from my own, Alex offered up the last ounce of will he had left.
How could a boy so beautiful be so hurt?
“Forgive me, Lilah,” Alex breathed, a new kind of pain in his voice. When confusion laced my features, a faint grin stretched across his bruised lips. A careful hand brushed my hair out of my face, and the man grew dangerously close. “‘Cause I can’t go gentle on you.”
“Then don’t.”
Much like the younger brother, I watched Alex’s eyes darken into something else. The only difference was, this wouldn’t scare me. Not like it had before. Not when I’d already signed my life away to this new god. His fingers locked around my wrists, pinning my hands helplessly above my head as his cock slammed into me. His lips on mine were the only thing that could smother the cry of pain, the moan of pleasure, the agony that came with having everything I’d ever believed in ripped away. Still, his patience had worn. Past the pain of his head, the ache of his heart, Alex wouldn’t slow his pace. As he pulled up to watch me squirm against him, Alex let a hand drift playfully to my lips, pulling out entirely before slamming into my tight pussy and smothering another moan.
“I need you to be silent for me,” he groaned, his breath already heavy. “Save those moans for later.”
Only the nod of my head would release his palm from my lips, and without the added help, I pulled all my concentration to biting my lip. Alex’s pace slowed for only a moment, titling his pelvis to brush against my g-spot as he reoriented himself. Gentle shudders ran through my muscles, goosebumps kissing my skin, and as quietly as I could, I gave him the assurance he craved. Alex’s lips twisted into a tired smile, and strong hands drifted over my breasts before resting possessively on my hips. Whatever rest I found was gone when I felt his tongue flick over my nipple, a harbinger of the coming storm.
With a new grip on my body, Alex slammed into me with a speed unlike before, forcing my hands up to clap over my mouth. As his body drifted up to watch me struggle, to watch me moan, to watch me beg for his cock, embarrassment coursed through me. Though, I wasn’t sure that mattered. The deeper my cheeks tinted, the wider his grin grew. As he slowed his pace, fucking me slow and deep, Alex reached up to pull one of my hands from my mouth, but even the slightest brush against my clit felt like a bolt of electricity. For a body so used to pain, so used to fear, so used to isolation, the beauty of pleasure felt like sin. My fingers could only rub my clit once, twice, before the quivering of my legs stole them away— but Alex wasn’t willing to bow to natural instincts.
“Alex, wait,” I begged, his palm bracing on my mound as his thumb found its place to my clit. Suddenly, fear spiked through my veins. “Please, wait.”
“I’m done waiting for you.”
“I can’t—”
My body crumbled beneath the new pressure, the new pleasure, the new pain. His pace quickened the moment he felt me tighten around him, and Alex’s thumb rubbed a gentle circle over the pieces that reacted the most. My legs tightened in fear, in need, in an attempt to push us away from this ledge, but Alex couldn’t be bothered. As my high approached, I gave another gentle plea, another beg for rest, but this mess had become too much.
I wasn’t in control anymore, and for once, that didn’t mean I was alone.
When I begged for him to slow, Alex picked up his pace, and as my orgasm washed over me, I’d never felt more complete in my life. A tickle kissed my skin, tightened my every muscle, and a sharp pain rocketed through my leg as my injured foot cramped in the greatest euphoria I’d ever felt.
Not that it mattered. No pain could pass the warmth felt when I heard Alex’s cocky laugh, when I felt his grin against my skin. As I rode out my high, Alex’s pace slowed, but his grunts remained the same. Pleasure transferred from his fingertips, leaving bruises along my skin as he fucked me nice and slow, as he made me moan from the deepest part of my heart. As he finally leaned down, finally brought his lips back to my ear, the last shreds of my ego fell apart. Shame wouldn’t take over me as my arms wrapped around him, embarrassment wouldn’t prickle my skin as I shivered with his lips against my ear.
“Maybe you’re not as good as I thought you were,” he began, words heavy in my ear. “If you’re gonna cum that hard for someone like me.”
“Maybe you
’re just a better man than you think you are.”
Hesitancy tried to pull him away from me, tried to steal the only comfort I’d ever known, but this time, it was my turn to push. My thighs tightened around him, welcoming him deeper inside me, and when Alex began to pull away from me, I captured his lips with my own. I wouldn’t let go of him then, wouldn’t let go of him ever, and as I kissed his lips greedily, I waited for the release I needed the most. I wouldn’t stop until I heard that angelic groan, until I felt his cock twitch inside me, until I felt that perfect grin against my lips.
With his collapse, Alex’s barely-shaven face found its place against my neck, his lips brushing my skin in appreciation. At first, I couldn’t stop the smile, the shiver, the gentle chuckle from escaping my lips, but fate hadn’t released my heart so easily. As the man pulled out of me, rolling onto my side and pressing the grin back against my skin, a familiar wave of worry washed over me.
Ghosts never did have a habit of finding their fill.
Doubt darkened the world around us, and as Alex pulled me into his chest, guilt settled in my stomach. What the hell was this entire mess supposed to mean? Was this just another instance he’d forget the moment his brother walked in the room, abandoning me without another thought? Was the peace I found with the man really so fragile, really so lopsided? When his arms tightened around me, his eyes drifting shut next to me, I struggled within his grip.
I wasn’t going to be held by another man who didn’t care, wasn’t going to share myself with someone who didn’t want it.
“Alex, you don’t have to—”
“I know I don’t.”
From within the dark, Alex reached to place another gentle palm on my cheek, another soft kiss to my lips. Once more, the man found a way to bring warmth to those awful, icy corners, and for a moment, I’d allow myself to live in it. If this was all temporary, then I’d enjoy what I had. Even then, I knew it was stupid to let him feed this hope. Still, was it childish to hope I could ride the greatest high without falling to my greatest low? Wasn’t that the beauty of grace?
The Kidnapper's Brother: A Dark Criminal Romance Page 10