“But …” I point to Mom’s door, desperately wanting to give her a hug and kiss before going to school. It used to be the last thing I’d do every morning before he took us to school, but lately those visits are becoming rare; obsolete from me and Jake’s life, almost as if she’s already gone and that hurts.
“Come on!” He urges, budging the front door open with a harsh look in his eyes. Jake follows behind him, but I don’t move. “I’m serious, Judd. Besides, the Hospice nurse is already in there and I have a Chem test I have to make up after dropping you both off. We have to go!” His eyebrows dip down lower as he scowls at me.
Looking back at Jake for affirmation of how this is not fair, I am met with a shrug of his shoulders before he walks around Tristan and out the door.
“Tristan, I just wanted to …”
“I know what you want, but now is not a good time.”
That is all I ever hear from him anymore. “Is there ever a good time, Tristan?!” I spit out, getting frustrated that I cannot visit my mom in my own home.
“Judd, I’m serious …” he pauses, an unrecognizable look flashing through his eyes, “Now let’s go. You can go in today when you get home.”
I glance back to her room before relenting. As I walk past him, I swing my eyes over to her barely cracked open door and have the perfect view of her angelic face lying still on the pillow while she sleeps.
“Bye, Mom. I love you,” I whisper then shut the door.
My phone chimes, pulling me out of my daydream and I look down, still holding it in my hand with a white knuckled grip. I glance at the message, immediately being ripped from the spiraling darkness of grief.
Alyssa: You up for watching me try on some costumes. I’ll make it worth your while. ;)
My mouth crooks to the side, even though I don’t feel the smile in my heart right at this moment.
“Judd, he tried his best. We all handled it the best we could, but if you’re holding that in … if that’s the hang up that has been coming between you and Tristan, then you need to talk to him.”
Clicking my fingers across the small keyboard on my phone to answer Alyssa back, I come to an abrupt stop and snap my head up to Jake, a little taken aback by what he said.
“I can’t talk to him.” I fling my hand in the air, motioning to his room. “You’ve seen and don’t even tell me he isn’t home, because I’m not stupid. He pushes me away at every turn. How am I supposed to talk to him, huh?” I spit out with more venom than I mean. I don’t ever talk to Jake like this. A flicker of guilt bolts through me. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you.”
Quickly typing out a reply to Alyssa, a little ease falls over my shoulders, knowing I’ll be with her in just a bit and away from all this.
Me: Yeah, Babe. I’ll head over in just a bit. I’m with Jake now. Call you in a sec.
Alyssa: K Can’t wait to see you. Mmmmmwa … love you!
I breathe out, my shoulders falling and my body relaxing with her last words.
Me: I can’t wait to see you, too. I love you so much.
Alyssa: <3
The bed dips as Jake takes a seat beside me.
“I’m glad you have her.”
I look over and see his eyes on my phone. I stare down at our conversation and smile, the pain and loss that this room holds, dissolving with the thought of being with her. My phone screen falls black and Jake looks up at me.
“Mom would have liked her.” It’s the first time someone else has made a reference to Mom and Alyssa in the same sentence. “Have you taken her to the wishing well, yet?” He asks it like that’s just a regular every day thing; like it’s not something sacred.
I shake my head, slowly, looking down at my phone and reminding myself just how precious she is to me.
“Judd, you need to let some of this out. You can’t always bottle it all up. You and Tristan are so much alike and I really fear …” he stops, his face creased into a frown as he studies me.
“What?”
He blinks and takes a slow gasp of air. “I’m afraid you both are going to explode eventually if you don’t talk.” He glances at the doorway then turns, lowering his voice. “Call me next week and I’ll find out a day when I know he’ll be home. Only don’t tell him you’re coming by, just show up and try to be calm. Believe it or not, he’s carrying a lot on his shoulders right now.”
I nod my head, thankful for his words and encouragement as he leans my way, patting me across the back.
“Thanks, Jake. When did you become the big brother?” The words come out of my mouth as a painful reminder of how each of us was forced to grow up so much faster than we should have, and honestly, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way the cards fell.
He crooks an easy grin, but says nothing.
“I’ll call you next week and we’ll figure it out.” I fling my arm around him in a hug then look around, about to question if we should go through Mom’s stuff eventually, but then I decide not to. Jake stares around as well and I wonder if he’s thinking the same. “I better go.”
“Ok …” I stand and Jake hops to his feet with me. “Love you,” he mumbles, something us three don’t often say. It surprises me, but the subtle extra pulse in my heart as if it’s been given an extra life, tells me that it’s something I’ve needed to hear for a long time; and maybe he does, too.
“I love you, too, Jake.”
We part ways and I race to meet up with Alyssa for a somewhat exciting night of picking out costumes along with the dreaded agony over Bethany being the third wheel.
Sitting on a somewhat stiff, velvety lounge chair outside the portable dressing rooms they have installed at the back of the store, I watch Alyssa step out in a sexy as hell outfit. My eyes catch on her pushed up chest, showing so much cleavage that it should be illegal. She could cause a wreck in this outfit. Moving down, my eyes take in the golden belt cinching her small waist then to the full length of her legs showing off miles of smooth, milky white skin interrupted only by a few strands of ribbon laced up to her knee.
Stretching my eyes open in awe, I smile. “That’s the one,” I breathe out with a wink. I just don’t want everyone else seeing her looking like this.
Pulling her hand out from behind her back as if she has a hidden treasure, she nonchalantly dangles a matching male costume from her fingers. I immediately look at her in surprise. Does she want me to wear that to the party?
My eyes widen as I take in the picture on the front of the package. “No way …” I sputter, half panicked and part amused. “I’m not wearing that unless it is late at night and we are doing role play or some shit like that.”
We both crack up, me with a vision of her and I acting out some roman seduction scene in full on attire as she walks backwards, swinging her hips and beckoning me into the room. No further invitation is needed than the alluring way she crooks her finger and wisps her eyes open and closed in a sensual manner.
In the tiny dressing room, she giggles as I clumsily slide the garment up my legs, feeling very unmanly in what is basically a dress. I sling the gathered fabric sash over my shoulder then Alyssa throws her hands up to my neck to clip on the long fabric cape, despite my reservations. Looking down at her as she snaps it, the hint of a smile flickers as she tries her best to hide it. I’m having a hard time keeping my laughter at bay as well.
She takes one stride back and looks me up and down, while I stand there with a draft crawling up the skirt of the costume. I cannot believe I’m in a dress. Her eyes sparkle as they move across my chest and land back on my face. I know that look. Maybe the dress isn’t such a bad thing, after all.
In one swift motion, I take her by the hand and pull her to me, engulfing her in my arms. Bethany’s face pops into the room right as my lips descend on Alyssa’s, killing the moment and completely annoying me.
“Hey girl, you rea …” she stops talking as Alyssa swings her head around. “Ooolala …” her voice grates over every nerve in my body and making me wa
nt to shudder.
Alyssa’s hands clamp onto my chest in a territorial way and she stays positioned in front of me, keeping Bethany’s wandering eyes away. That single act makes my ego swell, knowing I belong to her and her alone.
“We’re just about ready,” Alyssa tells her, turning her head back my way and focusing on the sash over my torso.
Looking over her head, I catch Bethany’s gaze as she arches her eyebrows up and down while licking her lip in a way I’d rather not even think about. Drawing my brows down into a get-the-hell-out glare, she giggles and sweeps the curtain shut.
“So are you going to wear this to the party or what?” Alyssa runs her fingertips down the center of my chest, but all I can think about is how I wish she would have caught Bethany’s obvious attempt at flirting.
After playfully helping each other out of our costumes, we make a stop for wings before heading back to her apartment so she can grab some clothes and spend the night.
“I’ll be right back. I’m just going to grab my stuff,” Alyssa calls out as she disappears into her bedroom with me not too far behind.
Just as I get to the threshold, my foot catches on something near the side of the couch. Stopping to look at what I kicked, Bethany lets out a small gasp at the mess at my feet.
“My fault. I forgot to pick that up earlier,” she yells out, running from the kitchen to the living room with a wad of paper towels in hand.
Soda seeps into the carpet all around my foot which is presently weighing down a crushed 32 ounce foam cup. Great. Just as Bethany rounds the corner, I lower myself onto the edge of the couch and hold my hand out for the towels.
“Sorry,” I tell her sincerely as she bends to clean the mess I made. “I can get it.”
I look over her head as she kneels on the ground in front of me in a pattern of pushing and patting the folded towels. Snapping her head up, her face is suddenly inches from mine. Before I can make a move to dart back to the safety of the couch cushions, she has my face in her hands and her lips on mine.
With wide eyes, I instantly shove at her shoulders and push away from her. What the hell is she thinking? Cabinets opening and closing in the room beside me rings in my ears, but I cannot even move my mouth to speak.
Placing her hand over her mouth, I swear I see a touch of a smile as Bethany gasps. “Oh my gosh … I am so sorry. I think I read that wrong,” she says blandly like she’s instructing someone how to open a web browser. “It’s just … Kyle acted the same way until he finally gave in and we …”
I’m not sure if my tongue even works any longer. I stare at her; shocked, confused. What the hell is she saying? Why is she telling me this?
Waving her hand to dismiss what she was attempting to confess to me, she gets up and bounces down onto the couch beside me.
“You know what, never mind. I read that wrong.” She slouches back in the most ordinary way.
Bolting to my feet, I’m prepared to call her out on what just happened, but my speech gets lodged in my throat.
“You ready?” Alyssa’s voice knocks me out of my daze and has me darting to her side as if I have something to be guilty over. What on earth just happened?
I don’t say a word. My mind cannot even wrap around it, and what the hell was she talking about with Kyle. Suddenly, my mind shoots over conversations with Alyssa. It was Bethany; she was the one at the party. Holy shit! I dart my eyes over at Bethany whose mouth is moving but I don’t hear a word. Her eyes meet mine and heat flares through my face in anger. She does things in a manner that makes it hard for me to blame her for any wrong doing. Just then, she kissed me; I mean she was the one that kissed me, yet I was leaning over her. I was so preoccupied with watching what she was doing in hopes that she would let me take on the task of cleaning up the spilled soda that I put myself in a bad position; close to Bethany with my guard down.
The whole drive back to my place, I analyze the hell out of what happened and what she said. All I can think about is what will happen if I accuse Bethany of wrong doing. She’s so manipulative and sneaky that I have no doubt in her skill to be able to flip the tables on me. I also have no uncertainty of whether Alyssa would believe me; I know she would, but does she need this drama?
After a phenomenal distraction, my mind ponders over all the scenarios and worries. Lying in bed next to Alyssa, my heart still pounding from our bedtime acrobats and my breaths still heavy, I run through a mental check list of what she told me about the night her ex cheated and gently quiz her in hopes that she may put two and two together; or at least get curious.
It doesn’t take long before she seems to be done with the lineup I have going on and she’s ready to take this conversation to a new level, and that doesn’t take much enticing. Slowly creeping her fingers up my chest, as if they are a stick figure walking up the street, she easily switches the mood and closes the conversation with her lips sealed to mine.
Flipping her over, I take my time; kissing and touching her until we are both desperate and crazed to be as close as possible. With one shift of my body, I put us both out of our misery and the currents that immediately spiral through my core upon contact nearly send me over the edge. Her hands clasp to my side, pushing into my flesh and pulling me forward with each movement. My mind is fogged over with all thoughts of Bethany thrown overboard.
After a heated night and all that was on the tip of my tongue being wiped clean, I wake up revived and ready for the day; for today. I’ve never been the type to get hung up on holidays and anniversaries, but with Alyssa each day is a moment closer to our forever.
As of today, she has been back in my life for a month. A measly thirty days may not be much to some, but for me time is a precious thing. I still remember counting down each day after my dad left; adding day after day until he had been gone a month, a year, five years. Then that countdown soon turned into counting the days until my mom would leave us; subtracting each day as if the world would end when I got to zero.
It’s funny how time goes so slow when there is pain and torment surrounding your life. It’s as if it’s a lingering presence sucking all the air from your soul; suffocating you slowly, yet when joy and happiness presents itself, time flies.
Slowly sliding out from beneath the sheets and from the comfort of her beautiful body curled up to mine, I quickly dress, scribble down a small note and head to the supermarket down the street. I’m only praying she doesn’t wake up; I’d love to surprise her. She’s had so much going on lately and I want so desperately to give her a day to smile. I want to give her a little piece of me; a part of me that I’ve never shared with anyone.
After tossing a ten to the cashier and pocketing my change, I grab the brown paper sack and race back to my truck. My feet soar over the pavement and land firmly on the floorboard. I push down on the gas pedal and hurry to my apartment so I can see her face light up. Reaching into the bag the cashier handed me, my hand quickly finds the small black box I found in the gift wrap aisle. It only takes me a second to find the brand new key I had placed on my keychain with all my others. The freshly ground steel shines, making all my other keys look weathered and old. Twisting and fumbling with it, I finally work it off of the ring and nestle it down into the bottom of the box and close the lid.
All is still quiet when I return, so Evan must be sleeping in. I noticed Skylar’s car in the driveway so I’m sure she graced him with another of her late night visits, but I’m sure to hear him tell it, it’s because we kept him awake all night. My lips slowly curl into a smile at that thought. I really need my own place.
Turning the door knob to my bedroom, my ears catch the sounds of sheets rustling and a slight creak of the bed, but as soon as I have her in full sight, there is no movement. Pretending to be asleep, huh? I close the door behind me quietly, knowing I’m not going to wake anyone, but still wanting to build on the suspense.
Sneaking over to the bed, I stop and take in all her beautiful features. The sheet lays draped over her small frame with
part of her bare back peeking out, almost as an invitation for me to get back in bed. Her shoulders tense up and I can tell she senses my presence. I slowly slink down onto the mattress, making careful movement so she can continue in on her escapade of pretending to be asleep.
As I stare down at her with the roses clutched in my hand, she turns her head smoothly and lets out a sleepy sigh. I hold back my snickers at her effort. Doesn’t she know that I have memorized every breath she takes while she is peacefully sleeping? I know exactly how her breathing slows only minutes before sleep captures her, and I know the low, steady rhythm of her breathes once she is floating from dream to dream. I’ve stayed awake so many nights listening to her soft inhales and exhales, committing each one to my memory.
Sliding my knee onto the mattress, I slowly sink down and slide onto the bed beside her. My smile widens as I see her body shake as if she is quietly laughing. The smooth clear sheet of plastic that surrounds the satiny pink roses crinkle as I move to position the cluster of roses over her arm that is stretched out beside her. With the center rose jutting out just a bit further than the others, I set it against her elbow and trail it gradually up her arm towards her shoulder while leaning down to her ear.
“I know you’re awake,” I whisper with a wide smile.
Her face is positioned away from me, but I can see her eyebrows are drawn down into a frown as if she is confused. For a moment, I think she may need some coercing to give up the game, but then a smile breaks open across her face and she turns to me with her lips only millimeters from mine. Just seeing her happiness does something to my heart and I have to fight the urge to toss the flowers to the side and bury myself back under the sheets with her.
The sheet is clasped in her hand between us, pulled over her chest, but still revealing so much skin that my heart is about to pound out of my chest. She makes a move as if she is just as desperate to feel me against her as well, but I quickly shove all my desires aside, suck in a deep breath through my over-anxious smile and pull the roses up between us.
Catch My Breath Page 40