Her eyes widen and I know my attempt in surprising her has worked. It’s the first time I’ve bought her flowers and it’s way overdue. My brothers and I used to pepper my mother with gifts. Even if it was only a silly little drawing that we had made, we still made sure she always had something new to display on her nightstand each day; a new memento of how much she was loved to brighten her room.
“Happy one month anniversary,” I announce, igniting a look of shock from her.
Her mouth drops open and she glances back and forth from the roses to me as my grin grows and my heart thuds.
“Has it really been a month,” she squeaks, but I can tell she is desperately trying to calculate my estimation of the date of this occasion.
I know I got this right; I’ll never cease to count each and every single day that I have been blessed to have her by my side.
Grabbing the bouquet from my hand, she buries her face in the sweet fragrance and I realize just how much the pale shade of pink in the petals match the faint tint of blush in her cheeks.
“They’re beautiful,” she declares with a gentle smile that completely captivates me.
A flower, beautiful? It’s not even comparable. “You’re beautiful,” I correct her and pull her closer, not even caring if I crush the flowers.
I slide my lips over hers, gently linking us in a moist kiss that will no doubt put my body into hyper drive in no time. Pulling away before I hit a point of no return, I look at her in utter happiness and satisfaction.
“I can’t believe it’s already a month,” she pauses and I grin at the slight bit of embarrassment that emerges as the pink in her cheeks deepens to a light crimson. “Ummm … I have to admit, I didn’t remember.”
My chest vibrates with held in laughter. “Well, I can’t see why. It’s not like you’ve had anything going on,” I joke, pulling her tighter into my arms.
Her eyes sparkle with gratefulness, which only makes my heart swell with delight. We’ve been going to Fairview around the clock, visiting with her dad. The last thing I expect is for her to even know the day of the week, let alone the significance of today; I had actually hoped she would forget. I have a lot of myself to give today without being overwhelmed with her trying to dazzle me as well. What I have planned will more than likely make this day about us both, me offering up my whole self and refuge while she gains a whole chunk of my heart that I’ve always kept closed off from the world.
Pulling myself back into the moment, I gaze into her crystal blue eyes then briefly down to the plush bundle of roses.
“I couldn’t decide whether you were a red rose kind of girl or a mixed arrangement or what, so I went with this color. It’s the same color as the tank top you wore the day I first saw you.” I’ll never forget the way she looked that day.
Her look of surprise grows with this revelation and she springs to her knees, abandoning the sheet and crashing into me with her arms stretched around my neck. My face is buried in her hair and her chest is crushed against mine. I can totally deal with this.
“I love you so much, Judd,” her trembling, muffled voice whispers against my skin. “How did I get so lucky?”
Tipping my head back, I look at her and place my fingertips along her chin to nudge her face down. She looks at me like no one has ever looked at me; as if I am the only safe haven she has ever known.
With a slow-motion shake of my head, I correct her, “No, I’m the lucky one.” Then my lips are back on hers.
Twenty minutes later, after lounging on the bed while Alyssa gets dressed, we are finally in the truck and getting this day moving. The entire morning flies by with us hitting a few stores and picking up this and that for Bethany. Aside from being plagued with how badly I need to talk to Alyssa about her ‘so called’ friend, the day is beyond enjoyable and half the time she has me rolling with laughter. Her need to have extravagant platters comprised of mini sandwiches and tooth-picked finger-foods has me nearly doubling over into hysterics in the freezer section. I envision several students sporting eye patches come Monday from involuntarily stabbing their eye out with a toothpick during their drunken haze. That is sure to bring out the realism in a Halloween party.
Soon after we have everything loaded, we make the dreaded trek back to Alyssa’s apartment to drop it all off. I help carry the bags inside, but then I make myself scarce. I have no desire to be around Bethany and I’m hoping I can shed some light on what a conniving, back stabbing friend she is when I have a chance to talk to Alyssa. I really should have just spit it out last night, but it breaks my heart that with everything that she already has on her plate and at a time when she needs her friends the most, that I’ll have to be the bearer of news that will sever one of those ties.
No sooner than I am two steps back into the hallway my phones buzzes. Looking down, I see Tristan’s name. I take a deep breath, squeeze my eyes shut and answer with apprehension gnawing at my insides.
“Hello,” I say with a calm, yet unsteady pitch to my voice, remembering all that Jake said.
“Judd, hey. Are you busy?” His voice actually sounds livelier than it has since this summer.
I continue treading back to my truck, keeping my eyes focused down to the concrete as I walk.
“No, not really. I’m just with Alyssa today.” I pause and Tristan remains silent. “Are you calling to explain where you were yesterday?”
My ears pick up on a deep sigh from the other end of the phone and a part of me desperately wants to be there for my brother; to help him through whatever he is struggling with, but I never can make myself. Maybe Jake was right; Tristan and I are a lot alike, we’re both stubborn.
He doesn’t reply and for a second I wonder if he is still there, “Tristan?”
“I’m here,” he replies in a different tone that I can’t exactly pin-point. “I’m sorry. I was here … I just had a hard day and thought I’d be ok when you texted but then I just …”
“Yeah?”
“I just got tired and fell asleep.”
I spit out an insincere laugh, “Bullshit, Tristan. I was knocking loud enough to wake the dead.” I stop talking abruptly, ashamed of the phrase I chose to use.
“I’m sorry. So what are you doing tonight?”
Does he want me to come over? The urge to jump into my truck and race over shoots through me, but then I shake my head, perturbed by our last supposed visit.
“I’m with Alyssa. I’m taking her somewhere special and then there is a party at her house.”
“A party, huh? Sounds like fun. Well, hey … I won’t keep you. I just thought I would say hi.” His somewhat upbeat tone from only minutes ago suddenly is filled with sadness and bitterness.
“No, it’s ok. I’m actually outside waiting for Alyssa. Are you at home?” I ask, partly worried. Jake mentioned how depressed he has been and I’m really hoping he isn’t alone.
He lets out a huff of air that sounds like a laugh, but not at all sincere. “Yeah, I’m at home. Where else?! There are only two places I could be at this point … the hospital or here.”
Squeezing my eyes closed for a brief moment, I press the phone harder to my ear and pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and index finger. I slowly settle back against my truck and let go of it all. This is ridiculous. He is my brother and he may not want to see me, but it’s obvious that he needs me. What are all these calls about anyways, if he doesn’t want to fix what’s left of our family?
“Tristan, we need to talk,” I pause, the wreck surfacing in my mind. “What happened? I mean, I know it’s something serious, but all Jake tells me is that you need to be the one to tell me. I keep waiting, but you never do. I’m your brother, I’m here and I will help …”
He cuts me off, sounding completely pissed that I even breached the subject of the wreck. “Hey, well I guess I better go. I’d hate to make you late for your party or date or whatever the hell you have going on.”
A part of me wants to lash out and scream, what the hell is your
deal or tell him how ashamed Mom would be with how he is acting, but the other side of me knows he is just pushing me away; locking all the pain inside of himself until he explodes, like Jake said.
“Did I do something? I mean, are you pissed at me because we wrecked or maybe something else?” I’m trying here … I’m taking Jake’s advice and really trying, but it’s just like it always is.
He gasps and it’s apparent that I hit a nerve, but not the one that makes him explosive; not the one I’ve hit so many times before; I got to him.
“I need to go. I can’t do this. I have enough going on. Sorry I called,” he says, his voice laced with sadness and regret.
The phone goes silent with a click and I stand there dumbfounded; almost angry with myself.
“Whatever,” I whisper mostly to myself then shove the phone in my pocket as Alyssa walks towards me with Bethany by her side. Wonderful!
Tossing all my worry and confusion over Tristan to the back of my mind, I take a few steps to be by her side, doing my best to ignore our company, but of course, that is always impossible.
“So what are you two up to that is so pressing that you can’t help me?” Bethany’s shrill voice speaks up and I roll my eyes without even thinking.
How is it possible for someone’s voice to grate so harshly on your nerves that you’d like nothing more than to rip your freaking ears off?
I keep my eyes locked on Alyssa as she fills me in with a tone that soothes my anxiety, “I told her we had something planned and that we would come back early to help.”
Pulling Alyssa’s hand into mine, I hold it firmly and smile. Any problem, stress or worry that has been weighing on my mind vanishes as I look into her eyes.
“Absolutely,” I tell her lovingly, because I’ll do anything for her.
Suddenly, all the warm and fuzzies I’m feeling being near Alyssa manages to get sucked dry with the single annoying sound of Bethany clearing her throat. I turn to face her and take in the defiant stance, her perturbed expression and the way she has her arms crossed like we’ve thoroughly pissed her off. Immediately, I’m on the defense and remembering all too well what she did and said last night.
“It’s been a month since we have been together so I figured I would take my girlfriend somewhere special this afternoon.”
I make sure to enunciate the fact that Alyssa is my girlfriend so that there is no mistaking that it is not alright to kiss me and it is not alright to treat my girlfriend like shit. The whole time, I can feel Alyssa watching me, no doubt confused, but Bethany’s glare is something I do not miss. I definitely struck a chord there.
“Judd, is everything ok?” Alyssa’s quiet voice knocks me out of my thoughts.
Not wanting to worry her or bring it up right now, I divert the whole situation back to my call. “Yeah, just a bad conversation with Tristan, that’s all.” It’s not a lie, but it is also not what I should be telling her.
Staring into her eyes, I think about how much sadness she has felt lately. She is walking down such a painful path these days as she watches her father get sicker and weaker. This walk may very well end in complete annihilation of her heart and the last thing she needs is more loss or more pain. I can’t tell her now, even though Bethany deserves for me to call her out right to her face.
No doubt, Bethany stays true to her selfishness and interrupts my attempt at being forgiving and not saying anything. She knows I could.
“I’m in a foul mood, too,” she casts a glance to Alyssa then to me, “The guy I told you I was chasing after keeps blowing me off and I’m just about done with this whole cat and mouse chase.” Her words are like a damn shotgun blast, completely taking me by surprise. She keeps her eyes on me as Alyssa offers words of comfort and encouragement. Is she freaking talking about me? Cat and Mouse? Don’t even tell me she thinks I have been leading her on!
I don’t offer a goodbye, good riddance, piss off, go to hell, nothing; I turn and walk to my truck with Alyssa close behind. After dodging a few questions of why I was snippy with Bethany and a pit stop at her favorite café so I can pick up lunch, we pull into the parking lot that I’ve ended up at so many times in my life. My stomach is wound tight with nervousness and my mind is frantically whirling with all the things I want to tell her today; all the things I want to show her.
I tumble and file through all the words I want to say to Alyssa as we wind along the walkway back to my brothers and my personal heaven on earth. It’s where we come anytime we need Mom’s advice or don’t quite know where to go. Needless to say, I’ve ended up here a lot over the years. I have no doubt that Tristan has made many of stops here over the last few months.
As soon as we step out from beneath the canopy of trees that lead to Mom’s fountain, Alyssa’s eyes light up just as I expected. I stand there clutching the sack of food, which I already slipped my surprise into, as she carefully inspects the beauty of this place. My heart floods with emotion as I watch each of her footfalls and realize that Alyssa’s feet are stepping along the same pathway that my mom’s feet once fell upon. It’s the same thought I have when I walk the perimeter of the fountain. The presence of my mother lingers here so strongly, even more so today. The sting of emotion overwhelms my heart and surges upward through my body until it spills over, moistening my cheeks with a few tears. I quickly wipe them away and continue watching Alyssa.
The second her eyes land on all of our initials in the carefully constructed pathway, my heart and soul overflow with love and the desire to give her every held back portion of my heart.
Her eyes go wide as she snaps her head up, looking completely awe-struck. “Is this you and your brother’s initials?”
My heart sets sail on a never ending voyage of being in love with her at the fact that in two seconds flat she knew. I offer her a small smile as a reply, too weighted down with sentiment to answer. With careful movements, I walk towards her, gazing down at the mural of Mom so that I don’t step on a single piece of it.
For a second, my mind flickers back to the day it was built.
“Tristan, I don’t know where to put this piece. I need Mom here. I need her to show me where it goes,” I plead with him through an avalanche of tears that has already soaked through my shirt today.
My brother cocks his head to the side and studies me for a minute as I stare helplessly at him. I don’t know how to do this without her here. How does he?
“Judd, you can do it … just like Mom taught us, remember. Here.” He takes the sparkly brown square-shaped jewel from my hand and places it parallel to the one he had just laid down in the grout. “Now, grab another one and just line them up.”
I sigh and look over at Jake who is slowly placing small gold gems side-by-side, forming the outline of a halo. His body trembles and periodically I hear a sniffle as I watch a small drop of moisture splash to the ground below his face.
Looking back to Tristan, I carefully study how he works, appearing completely unaffected. He looks up to me with a touch of a smile, silently urging me to keep working and to continue in our tribute to Mom.
As I kneel down beside Alyssa, I let it all out, spilling through the day we came across this place on a simple adventure to clear our minds from the heartache of losing Dad, to how Mom made arrangements with the city to revamp and make it our own.
Slowly winding my hand across the pebbly texture of the mosaic, I think of my mom and how she could turn the smallest things into something extraordinary.
“Mom was really artistic. She could do anything with her hands. So she brought us here week after week with scrap pieces of craft supplies she got from work and all four of us made this,” I say with a sharp sensation piercing my heart.
I glance over to Alyssa, dipping my head down as she mocks my motions by running her hand tenderly over the image.
“And this is her?”
I can tell she already knows the answer, but I nod anyways and move my hand closer to hers. My hand barely grazes the edge of hers and it remi
nds me of the first night we met; how I was so eager to hold her hand or kiss her; anything. I just wanted to be as close as possible to her. I wonder if my mom watched over me that night; if she has gotten to see me fall in love for the first time. I sigh before moving my thoughts back to the day we made this.
“My brothers and I came out here and finished this part after she died. We swore this would always be our place where we could be closer to her.”
My heart swells as I think over how this place has become more than our sanctuary. In our eyes, it is our mom. It is a place of beauty and tranquility. It engulfs us in love and support when we need it, just like she would have. I lower my brows and take a deep breath to steer off the impending tears as Alyssa’s hand runs the length of my jaw to my cheek.
“I love you. Thank you so much for sharing this with me,” Alyssa says in a low tone with her lips only millimeters from mine.
I run my hand over her softly blushed cheeks up into her hair as a gentle breeze blows and sends a hint of strawberries into the air. Breathing her in, I pull her closer and whisper against her lips.
“I want to share everything with you … always,” because I do. She is everything to me. Never would I have imagined bringing someone here. This place is a part of my soul; it’s more than a fountain, it’s my second home. Giving this part of me to her is equivalent to personally placing my heart in her hands. It is giving a part of my mother to her, and I do it with complete clarity, because Alyssa is the same thing to me. She is now my home, my refuge.
WE CUDDLE UP CLOSER and I lean my back against the hard cement bench that sits alongside my mom’s mural. She clasps my hand in hers and I get the feeling that she is lending me a sense of strength because she knows what this place means to me. I wrap my free arm around her waist as she sits between my bent knees, leaning onto my chest.
“So how does the fountain keep running? Does the city pay for it or do you guys?”
Her question catches me off guard because honestly I never thought about it. We were always struggling to make ends meet after Dad left, which is why Jake and I spent nearly every weekend working at a dairy farm while Tristan took a part-time job as a mechanic, working nights. He was adamant about being there for Mom every second as soon as he got home from school or practice, yet he tried his best to shelter Jake and me from seeing too much of her sickness. We knew he was protecting us. Somehow he arranged for a private nurse to come stay with her through the night while he spent the evening, clear up until 1:00 am, working on cars. Then he would be up and at school bright and early the next day, but every extra penny we could earn we put towards bills, food and taking care of Mom.
Catch My Breath Page 41