Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  Abby makes sure to keep me up to speed, sending me random text messages with updates on her dad’s health and assuring me that Alyssa is doing fine. I don’t know why but to hear she is carrying on as usual sends a swirl of mixed emotions right through me, followed by guilt. I don’t want her to hurt, but despite that, knowing she may not be missing me like I miss her, makes my heart ache.

  So far today, I’ve received only one text from Abby informing me that Alex is being moved to a “real room.” That news lessened the dull throbbing pain that had been splintering through my heart all week just a bit, and although it may be a bad idea, I decide to go visit again.

  “I’ll probably only stay a few minutes,” I call out to Evan as I fling the truck door open with a loud creak and jump to the pavement.

  “No problem. Take your time.”

  He doesn’t even look up from his phone as he frantically goes between flipping through his newsfeed to answering the non-stop chirps that has been going off since we left the office. I stand there frozen for a second just staring at him, not sure if this is a good idea.

  Looking up, Evan’s brows lower. “Hey, seriously, you don’t have to hurry.” His voice is laced in compassion and takes me by surprise. “Listen, I really doubt she is going to give you much of a chewing if she sees you’re there to visit her dad. Besides, it’s been three days. Surely she knows this has been killing you.”

  I look over my shoulder at the sliding doors to the lobby of the hospital. They stand wide open, mocking me; teasing me to come inside like I’ve been invited; only I haven’t. Letting out a sigh, I push aside all my doubts and hesitations. If my mom had one more day on this Earth, I wouldn’t let anything hold me back from seeing her.

  “You’re right. I’ll be back in a bit.”

  Evan gives me a small smile as I slam the door and turn to go inside.

  Not even five minutes later, and after asking the front desk for Alex Mason’s room number, I casually walk down the hallway of the cancer center, extremely alert to my surroundings and nearly jumping each time someone walks up behind me. My heart is drumming in my chest and my hands don’t quite want to sit still as I nervously shove them in my pockets to keep them at bay.

  I find his room easily, tapping lightly on the door as it slowly swings open from the vibrations of my knock. Peaking around the corner, I find a pair of pale blue eyes immediately looking up at me.

  “I’m sorry. The door was open. I’ll just …” anxiety suddenly takes root and I want to bolt.

  Just as I turn my back to dart away, Angela’s carefree laughter fills the room.

  “Oh non-sense. Get back in here, Judd. You should know you are perfectly welcome,” she says in a playful tone, while pointing her finger to the smooth beige ceramic tile floor.

  Turning slowly back around, the tension and worry from coming here melts away with her easy smile that reminds me so much of her daughter. I smile and look around the room, wondering where Alex is.

  “They are actually wheeling him down as we speak,” she says, crossing the room. Her arms fall over my shoulders and she immediately crushes me with a motherly hug that always seems to warm my heart and fill me with nostalgia. “I’m so glad you came to visit. Alex will be so happy to see you. Oh and speaking of the devil …” she laughs and I swing around as a commotion sounds behind us.

  A tall nurse and gentleman push Alex through the doorway, careful to clear the frame and lugging an IV line on rollers behind them. His eyes are open and he is sitting up, although he still appears weak and frail. I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat if I could. What I definitely don’t miss is how his face lights up when he sees me. That’s all the confirmation I needed to know this was a good idea.

  “Hey kiddo,” he says in a low, groggy tone.

  I lift my hand and wave, my lips curving into a huge grin with the skin over my cheeks stretching uncontrollably from how happy I am to see him awake and talking.

  It takes no time at all for the nurses to hook him up and set up his new temporary home. As soon as they shuffle out, Angela busies herself finishing up with arranging a slew of balloons, teddy bears, flower arrangements and ceramic angels that I assume have been sent in by friends and family.

  “So you ready to jump ship yet and escape this place?” I joke as I take a seat in a wide chair next to his bed.

  “Did you bring me a file?”

  I laugh at Alex’s reference; that is how I felt when I was strapped to a bed for weeks on end.

  “Nah … I just planned to come back later and sneak you out when everyone was sleeping,” I snicker as the corners of his lips twitch into the hint of a smile.

  Leaning in towards his bed, I clasp my hands together onto the mattress with my elbows supported onto my knees. Alex subtly moves and the coolness of his hand falls over my wrist. My eyes flicker down to his bony fingers for a moment and back to his face. He looks at me, quiet, still and composed, yet I can read the sadness in his eyes as if he is silently saying his goodbyes to me in this very instance. I stare back at him, transfixed into this unspoken conversation and unable to speak from the lump that suddenly has formed in my throat. Don’t give up … please don’t give up the fight.

  Rustling sounds behind us and breaks the trance as Angela moves things back and forth across the counter as if she is nervously trying to kill time or preoccupy her mind.

  With a slow blink of his eyes, Alex speaks up in a barely recognizable pitch, “Thank you for coming to see me. I was hoping I would see you again.”

  His words have me glancing back at Angela as I sense her stillness with his suggestion that he is nearing the end.

  “Of course, I would come to see you. You’re like a …” my brows furrow with the thought of what this family means to me and the possibility of one of them no longer being in this world. My heart crashes to the floor and a wave of emotion collides with the good sense I have to stay strong for him and Angela’s sake.

  His cool, clammy hand pats at my wrist. “I know. So Judd, man to man … are you going to take care of my baby girl?”

  His words throw me off guard. Normally this would be a typical-I’m-breaking-out-the-shot-gun kind of introduction, but we have already passed that point so I know this is his way of assuring himself that Alyssa will have someone to lean on; someone to protect her when he is no longer here.

  My throat wobbles as I gulp and try to form a sentence, “Always.”

  The walls close in on me and the air thins, but I keep going because he is the one that needs the support and assurance right now. His tomorrows are numbered and if this conversation can make him rest easy, then I will suck it up and forever hold true to anything I promise him.

  “With your permission and her acceptance, I’ll always take care of her.” I think back to the conversation he and I shared the first weekend I met him and how he told me the story of him and Angela meeting. “I’ll love her like you’ve always loved Angela.”

  This ignites a quivering giggle from behind us and Alex’s eyes instantly sparkle with a glimmer I’ve only seen when he looks at his wife. It’s a look I hope to always exhibit when I look at Alyssa.

  “I think we have ears,” Alex informs me, sneaking a quick look over to her.

  She doesn’t even turn, still acting as if she isn’t listening in on our conversation.

  I laugh and look back to Alex. “Shoot. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.” I grin and he chuckles. “Lay all your cards on the table and she’ll never let anything slide.”

  He erupts with a healthy, yet soft laugh and I instantly catch sight of Angela beaming over by the counter. Their love shines bright even through their darkest days, and I know it will live on even when he is gone.

  Before the hour draws near, I lean down and hug Alex with a vengeance; vengeance for this horrific disease that has robbed him of a long life with his loved ones. I hold tight and tears well up in my eyes as my hand falls over the back of his neck, feeling each and every indentation
of his spine. Squeezing my eyes shut, a tear escapes as a small overwhelming feeling slithers through my chest and into my heart with the thought that this may be the last time I see him. With that, I know without a doubt that I have to say the one thing I was never able to tell my mother in those final moment.

  My voice quivers and another tear slides down my face as I whisper into his ear while still clutching his head to my shoulder. “Goodbye, Alex,” I hesitate before saying it even though I’ve told him he makes me feel as though I have a father again. In the end I let it slip out, knowing I have to tell him. He has to know what he means and I have to know I said it before it was too late. “I love you, Dad.”

  A surge of energy and strength must suddenly spiral through him as his grip on me tightens and I hear him chuckle. “I love you, too, son. Proud to call you that.”

  That’s all it takes to open the flood gates. A loud gasp escapes my lips as I slowly pull away and sniffle back my tears. Angela is by my side in a second and Alex continues to hold tight to my hand just as a father does when they are guiding their child through a life lesson that is hard to endure.

  “Thank you so much for coming by.” Her hug is fierce and relentless giving me a taste of how fragile she is on the inside even though she is holding it together on the outside. I hug her back, trying my best to lend her my strength and courage before leaving.

  Dragging out of the hospital, a whole different pain fills my heart, a feeling I know so well, yet one you never get used to. My body shakes with each trembling tear and all I can manage to do on the way home is stare out the window in silence. I watch every tree and every car pass by with a new emptiness that somehow makes me feel grateful. Not grateful for losing another person in my life, but for the opportunity to have him in my life. I’ve spent so many hours of my life wondering, why me, thinking life isn’t fair; feeling sorry for myself, but now I see a whole light. How blessed was I to get the opportunity to know what it’s like to have a dad again; to know the love of a dad. He called me son.

  With tear-streaked eyes, I get back to the apartment, drained and unable to carry a single thought. Evan stays quiet and gives me my privacy as I slip away to my room, shooting Alyssa my nightly text.

  Me: Another day without you and you’re all I think about! I’m here if you need me, I hope you know that! I love you!

  As soon as I hit send and toss my phone to the nightstand, my head hits the pillow. Normally, sleep escapes me as I lay in bed thinking of Alyssa and trying to figure out how I can get her back, but not tonight. Tonight I sleep.

  Groggy and barely able to focus in on what the ringing sound is in my ear, I slowly start to wake, then bolt forward when I register the sounds of my phone. My eyes swing to the clock on my nightstand and my heart stops. It grows eerily quiet in the room. I don’t hear the slight hum as I inhale; the beating of my heart is absent, even the shuffling of my legs under the sheets stills. All I hear is the ringing and all I see is Abby’s name across my screen not far below the time. The time on my phone reads 2:00 a.m.; my heart sinks.

  Without any signal from my brain to reach out and grab it, my hand acts, snatching up my phone and bringing it to my ear. Please, God, no! Please no … no … no!

  "Abby, what's wrong?!"

  Shaky breathes sound on the other side of the phone before she gathers the strength to speak. "Alyssa just ran out! I'm not sure where she is going but I'm hoping she is headed there!"

  The second the words are free from her mouth, the front door snaps in the other room, followed by another click as if it is being closed. Given the fact that Evan hit the hay before me, I know Alyssa is here.

  "Don't hurt her, Judd. She can't handle that now," she says then breaks into tears. Others are crying in the background and I know without a doubt that I have to do anything to be here for Alyssa.

  "I would never hurt her," I assure her, an ache in my heart amplifying as I think of what this call truly means.

  "You already did, don't do it again."

  I sigh, knowing I'll never forgive myself for how I have already hurt her. I'll turn the world upside down to make it right.

  "I won't. I promise. Let me know if you need anything," I tell her right as my bedroom door opens.

  “Thank you.”

  “Bye,” I whisper before hitting the end button without even looking down.

  I carefully lay my phone back on the nightstand never taking my eyes off of her. She stands in the doorway and even with only the lights from the street filtering in through the blinds, I can see she has been crying. I remain completely still, as though she is a stray cat that may bolt if I make any sudden movements. She eyes my phone on the nightstand and although I should explain that it was only her sister on the other end, I just want to hold her. My heart yearns for her; aches to take all this ugly pain from her shoulders. If she would run to me right this second, it still would not be soon enough to feel her in my arms.

  I move my hand to my comforter and flip the soft pillowy fabric back as an invitation for her to crawl in beside me. She doesn't hesitate and a grateful breath slides over my lips as soon as her legs slip between the sheets. Her skin sliding against my own ignites an electric current inside of me as her beautiful body hugs to mine like it was custom made to fit me. Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her closer. Her head lies still on my chest but her soft sobs are like a beacon to my heart. Moisture from her tears gathers on my skin as I run my hand across her back up into her hair.

  God, it feels so good to hold her. I don't want to be selfish at a moment like this but I want to beg her to stay, to tell her I'm sorry, to plead with her that I have no idea how something like that could have ever happened. I love her and I can't lose her, but in the end I keep my mouth shut about my own needs.

  "I wish I could take your pain away. I would do anything to shoulder this instead of you," I say to her while holding her as tightly as I possibly can.

  She moves her body a little and looks up at my face. The lights from the street reflect off her angelic features highlighting her puffy eyes and the small streaks down her cheeks that make her even more beautiful in my eyes; vulnerable and in need of my shoulder. Just the sight of her in pain is enough to rip my heart wide open.

  I want to steal her away and hide her from all this pain and loss, just like she has done for me. When Alyssa came into my life, I was lost, I was running and she found me; she saved me from a spiraling cycle of grief, heartbreak and bitterness and showed me that I was still alive. I would take all of her pain on my shoulders in an instant if I could, because when she is by my side, I can handle anything.

  She pulls her face up level with mine and I place my hand behind her ear, gently stroking her cheek with my thumb.

  "I’d do anything to make this go away. I just wish I could stop it for you. What can I do to make it hurt less," I whisper, knowing full well there is nothing I can do to stop it.

  She searches my face then slowly her lips descend on mine. She needs comfort and I know that is what she is here for, but a part of me wants to hear her say she loves me still; to know that she still wants me in every way.

  Moving my mouth with hers, I taste her every breath. I grip her waist as she lies on top of me and as my fingers graze over bare skin, invisible sparks ignite in a sizzling trail. My whole body comes alive when she is near. I only feel whole when I am with her; all the pain, loss and emptiness from my life seem to dissipate with the simple sound of her voice.

  “Judd … please … just for a moment, help me forget.” Her voice comes out in a gentle and fragile, pain-stricken tone that pierces my soul and knocks the wind right out of me.

  Her lips fall back to mine and although this is where I want to stay, slowly mending each fragment of her shattered heart with a kiss or touch, I know deep inside this isn’t what she needs.

  Nudging her back with my fingertips while softly tracing the smooth skin of her cheek, I desperately try to change the path of this night, “Baby, I don’t think
that is a good idea. Trust me, I know. All that pain and heartache will just be waiting for you afterwards and I don’t want you regretting it later.”

  I remember all too well about wanting to run from this sort of agony. It engulfs you; eats you up from the inside out and at times the blanket of grief is so thick that it swallows every drop of life within you.

  “Please, I need you,” she pleads, looking straight into my eyes and slowly unraveling all my will power.

  I don’t want to bring it up at a time like this, but I have to. “Lyssa, we really need to talk about things if we are going to …”

  The soft touch of her fingertip silences me and I know there is no way I’m going to win this battle. Even with her falling apart at this very moment, she is still stronger than I have the courage to be; I’m at her mercy.

  “I don’t want to talk. I need you. Please,”

  My breathing kicks up with those words, with the overwhelming thought of touching her, tasting her and being with her, although guilt clutches every fiber of my being. A blast of the sweet strawberry fragrance of her skin hits me and all my restraint is lost. Flipping her onto her back, my mouth instantly drops to her lips, tasting, sucking and drinking her in. Inching my way down her neck, I nibble at the creamy, delicate flesh above her collarbone while I tug at the hem of her shirt. I dip lower, continuing to look up at her in case she changes her mind. It takes no time at all to have all our clothes off.

  Guiding my lips back up to hers, the heat from her body sends a surge of tingles rippling over the surface of my skin as my torso slides back over all her delicate curves. I lean in, ready to devour her lips and join us, but pause. She looks into my eyes, pleading, begging for me to go on.

  “Are you sure?” Everything inside of me wants her, yet there’s this sliver of will power still holding on, screaming at me that this is exactly what I did; I ran from the pain, seeking any amount of escape in any way possible. “I’ll hold you all night. I’ll never let go … I promise,” I assure her, even though a part of me wants the comfort of her body against mine as well.