Breakfast at Stephanie's

by Sue Margolis

  “I rest my case.”

  Lizzie let out a slow breath. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right. They deserve some fun. I think I’m more upset about Dom missing Christmas than I thought.”

  “I know, sweetie,” Cass said kindly. Then she topped off Lizzie’s glass with champagne.

  Cass bought Jake police officer accessories, which included a working torch, handcuffs and a whistle. “I have to say, I nearly kept the handcuffs for myself,” she cackled. Lizzie got him a sun-catcher kit. Jake ripped into the box, took out the clear plastic shapes, but didn’t seem remotely interested.

  “See, Jake, you paint them.” Lizzie held up the paint box. “Then you can hang them in your bedroom and watch how they catch the light.”

  Jake still wasn’t interested. Stephanie apologized on her son’s behalf and said he was overexcited and probably needed a nap.

  Lizzie also got him a plastic iron and miniature ironing board. Harry visibly blanched at this. He started to clear his throat to say something, but Estelle dug him in the ribs.

  “Dougal and Archie loved their ironing board and Hoover when they were little. I think it’s so important not to reinforce sexual stereotypes, don’t you?”

  “Absolutely,” said Stephanie, thanking Lizzie and Cass profusely.

  Apart from Dougal putting his dog turd on top of Lilly’s gravlax, which didn’t go down too well, and the twins disappearing to the loo during the main course and tipping all the goo from Jake’s lava lamp down the bathroom sink, lunch went off without incident. Harry went on about his junk e-mail and lectured everybody on his theory that the Apollo moon landings had never really happened. Finally he decided to ask somebody else a question. Unfortunately it was Cass, who was pretty well oiled by then.

  “So, Cass, how are things in the advertising business?”

  “Oh, not bad. We’ve just taken on this new account. Femguard Tampons. We’re trying to come up with a slogan. I’m thinking, ‘Femguard Tampons—so natural you’ll wish every day was that time of the month.’ What do you think?”

  Happy as Harry was to discuss penis extensions, he drew the line at women’s sanitary arrangements. He turned crimson by way of reply.

  “More cranberry sauce, Harry?” Cass said absentmindedly.

  By four o’clock, Harry and Lilly were snoring at opposite ends of the sofa and the children were careening around the house and overdosing on refined sugars—today at least, Lizzie had given up trying to fight it. The rest of them were in the kitchen scraping plates and feeling bloated from too much food. They all agreed it had been the most sumptuous of Christmas lunches. Even Estelle was fulsome in her praise.

  “Although it always helps when you have a good teacher,” she said. “I taught her everything she knows.” Stephanie put an arm around her mother’s shoulders.

  “Yeah, I know. Thanks, Mum.” She gave her mother a kiss. Estelle positively glowed with pride. Just then the front doorbell rang. Stephanie looked up from loading the dishwasher.

  “Who on earth could that be?” She wiped her hands on a cloth and went into the hall. As she opened the front door she was greeted by a tall male figure in biker leathers.

  “Hey, principessa!”

  Chapter 6

  “Albert?”

  “Er, I was when I last checked.” His entire face was beaming. He threw his arms around her and wished her a merry Christmas.

  “I don’t believe it,” Stephanie gasped. “Come in. Come in. Merry Christmas.”

  “So, how’ve you been?” he asked her.

  “Fine. Really fine. Got a full house today, of course. Wow, you coming is going to be the best ever Christmas present for Jake.”

  “I can’t wait to see him.”

  “But what are you doing here?”

  “The Universal job fell through. So I hopped a plane.”

  “But why didn’t you say something?”

  “I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Well, you’ve certainly succeeded.”

  She asked him where he was staying. “Tom’s apartment in Kentish Town. He’s away for the holidays. Loaned me his bike, too.”

  “Albert!” It was Estelle. “I thought I recognized the voice. Then I thought no, it can’t be.”

  “Hey, Estelle,” he said, hugging her and lifting her several inches off the floor. “Listen, is there something different about you?”

  “I don’t know. Is there?”

  “I swear you’ve lost weight.”

  She blushed. Stephanie’s eyes turned heavenward.

  “Well, funny you should say that,” Estelle said. “I’ve been on this special diet. You only eat protein and veg.”

  “Oh, that’s real big in the U.S. Everybody is into the no-carbs thing. Anyway, it really seems to be working.”

  “You think so?” Estelle simpered. “You really think so?”

  “Estelle, believe me. You look like a girl.”

  “And you are still a dreadful charmer,” Estelle giggled.

  “Come on, Albert,” Stephanie said. “Let’s go and find Jake. I think he’s in the living room.” He put his helmet on the hall table and took off his leather jacket. Underneath he was wearing a plain white T-shirt. It wasn’t tight, but Stephanie couldn’t help noticing the outline of his muscular body underneath.

  “Dad, Grandma, wake up. Albert’s here.”

  They both stirred on the sofa.

  “Albert? Albert who?” Grandma said woozily.

  “It’s me, Grandma Lilly.”

  She sat bolt upright. “But we weren’t expecting you.”

  “I wanted it to be a surprise.” He bent over and kissed her.

  “Albert, listen. Now that you’re here, why don’t you propose to Stephanie. You know you’d make such a lovely little family.”

  “Grandma!” Stephanie yelped. “Please.”

  By now Harry was on his feet, hand outstretched. “Albert. Great to see you. So, how’s the stunt game?”

  “It’s good, Harry. Like falling off a log.”

  “So, what are you driving these days?”

  “A fancy Honda Gold Wing. Borrowed it from a friend.”

  Estelle interrupted to offer Albert a cup of tea. “It’ll help perk you up from the jet lag.”

  “I tell you what’s good for jet lag,” Harry said. “Char siu pork.”

  “Tea would be great,” Albert said.

  Estelle disappeared. “So, where’s Jake?” Albert asked. Stephanie said she didn’t know and suspected he might be hiding because of all the commotion. Harry said he’d heard the boys thumping around upstairs. As they climbed the stairs, they passed Dougal and Archie, who were charging down. Jake was in his room, bouncing on the bed.

  “Hey, Jakey,” Albert boomed. “How’s my big guy?”

  Jake carried on bouncing.

  “Jakey,” Stephanie said softly. “Look, Daddy’s here.”

  Still no reaction.

  “Jake, do you remember me? I haven’t seen you for a while.”

  Jake landed on his bottom. Then he turned and looked at the photograph next to his bed. “My daddy?”

  Albert came and sat next to him on the bed. “That’s me. Mommy took that photograph the last time I was here. When we went to the zoo, remember?”

  He grinned and nodded. “We went on da camel.”

  “Yes, Jakey, that’s right. You and me, we went on the camel. Just the two of us.”

  “He was called Zebedee.”

  “That’s right, Jakey.” Albert shot Stephanie a broad smile. “You remember. He was called Zebedee. Zebedee the camel.” Jake giggled and let Albert swallow him in a great big bear hug.

  “Oh, I’ve missed you, Jake. I’ve really missed you.”

  “Cass! Lizzie!”

  More hugs—except Cass and Albert didn’t so much hug as practically snog.

  “God, you’re beautiful,” Cass purred, shamelessly running her hands over his torso. “Steph, I can’t imagine why you let this man get away. You can alwa
ys marry me, you know, Albert. I know a few stunt tricks of my own. I could show you if you like.”

  Albert grinned.

  “Cass has been on the mulled wine all day,” Lizzie explained. “It’s great to see you, Albert. You’re looking well.”

  “You too. How are the twins?”

  “They’re great.”

  “And Dom?”

  “In Tokyo. Big merger thing.”

  “Same-ol’, same-ol’, then.”

  Lizzie smiled. “Yeah, same-ol’, same-ol’.”

  Estelle and Harry left after tea because Lilly said she was getting tired. “Oh, by the way,” she said to Stephanie before she left, “I found a tai chi class at the local community center. It’s specially designed for the over-sixties. You know me, in for a penny in for a pound, so I booked a course.”

  Albert sat on the floor looking through dinosaur books with Jake and the twins. The three women were lolling on the sofas. “Oh, by the way,” Albert said, “I’m sorry about Jake’s presents. I didn’t forget. They’re on their way. I asked my new …” he paused, searching for the right words, “… romantic interest to bring them over in a cab. She was taking a shower when I left, but she won’t be long. I hope it’s OK, her coming.”

  “Of course,” Stephanie said.

  “Oh, God, Albert,” Cass said. “Not another romantic interest. I make lines of coke last longer than your relationships with women. And they’re all the same—the lip liner, the pneumatic boobs, brains as thick as custard. If you closed your eyes, you’d never tell them apart.” Albert just smiled. He liked Cass and never got offended when she challenged him.

  Sunnie Ellaye was the usual Albert-type flake, although she was minus the lip liner, and according to Cass—who accidentally-on-purpose collided with her chest region within ten minutes of her arriving—the double Ds stroke Es were definitely her own.

  She was more arty than brassy, though, with spiky tangerine hair and four-inch-high red platforms. She was, however, beautiful and very, very thin. Cass muttered something uncharitable about a spinal cord in flares, and then admitted she was just jealous. Stephanie immediately offered her a drink. “I’ve got champagne, mulled wine.” Sunnie Ellaye said she didn’t do alcohol. “So toxic. Say, do you have any guava nectar?”

  “Er, don’t think so,” Stephanie said. “How about a cup of tea?”

  “Ooh, that would be great. Green if you have it. It’s so cleansing.”

  “Sorry, just Tetley’s, I’m afraid.”

  Sunnie Ellaye opened her bag and took out a handful of tea bags.

  Albert took one. “I’ll do it,” he said, patting her on the behind. While Albert went off to make green tea, Stephanie led Sunnie Ellaye into the living room and introduced her to Lizzie and Cass. “You know, I love these London houses,” she said. “They’re so …” Several seconds ticked by, followed by several more. “Oh, God, what is that word?”

  “Characterful?” Stephanie suggested.

  She shook her head. “Nope.”

  “Charming?”

  “Uh-uh. What is it? What is it?” Another beat or two. “No, I’ve got it … cute. That’s it. Cute. And old.”

  Lizzie and Cass exchanged “We’ve got a right one here” looks.

  “You’re lucky you caught us when you did,” Stephanie said. “We only just had running water installed.”

  A pause. “Really?” Then she burst out laughing: “You’re joking, right? I geddit. This is that famous Briddish irony thing everybody talks about. Oh, God, this is so cool, my first Briddish irony. Hang on. Hang on. Let’s see if I can do it.”

  Everybody waited. “Oooh, oooh. I goddit. I goddit. How’s this? … Right-ho, Mary Poppins, let’s jump into one of them there pavement pictures.” By now Albert had come back. He was holding a mug of tea in one hand and a large plastic bag full of presents in the other.

  “Isn’t she just adorable?” he smiled. He was asking everybody, but his eyes were on Sunnie. He handed her the tea and kissed the end of her nose. “You know, when I’m with this woman all I ever do is laugh. But actually, sweetie, what you just did isn’t irony, it’s simply a very bad impersonation of Dick Van Dyke.”

  “So, Sunnie Ellaye, where are you from?” Lizzie asked. “I take it with a name like that, you were born in Los Angeles.”

  “No, Boise, Idaho. Actually, I’m one-sixteenth Russian, one-eighth French, one thirty-twoth Irish and one-eighth Chinese acrobat.”

  “Which only adds up to eleven thirty-twoths.” Albert laughed. “But what the heck?” He put the bag of presents down on the floor.

  “And what do you do?” Cass asked her.

  “I’m a trainee Reiki master slash lap dancer.”

  “Really?” Cass said without missing a beat.

  “Lap dancing just pays my tuition.” Cass nodded.

  “Reiki, that’s some kind of laying on of hands healing thing, isn’t it?” Stephanie said.

  “Yes. It’s about channeling the universal life force into the body.”

  “So, getting back to lap dancing,” Cass said. “How does it work? I mean, are you expected to …”

  Sunnie Ellaye looked horrified. “Oh, my God, no. Although I get propositioned all the time. I dance and that’s strictly it. Actually, it’s how I met Albert.”

  “You’ve started going to lap dancing clubs?” Stephanie said, quickly adding: “Not that it’s any of my business, of course.”

  He shrugged. “Bachelor night thing.”

  “But of course.” Stephanie grinned.

  “And I danced for you, didn’t I, sweetie?” She sat down next to him on the sofa and began running her fingers, in tiny footstep motions, along the inside of his thigh. “And that was it. We felt this instant spiritual connection.”

  “I bet you did,” Cass said as Sunnie and Albert began smooching on the sofa.

  Eventually they stopped and Albert began taking presents out of the bag. “Steph, I got you this. I know you like it. It’s not much. Just to say thank you for—you know. Everything.” It was a huge bottle of First by Van Cleef and Arpels, her favorite perfume.

  “Oh, thank you, Albert. That is so thoughtful. There must be a gallon there.” She went over and kissed him on the cheek.

  By now it was past seven and Jake was beyond exhaustion. He was running manically round the room, making a loud buzzing sound. When Stephanie asked him what he was doing, he said he “be a buzzy beefly.” After minutes of coaxing he finally agreed to sit on Stephanie’s lap. He couldn’t be bothered to open the presents, so Albert did it. The first was a baseball glove.

  “See, Jake, I’ll take you into the park and we can play catch.”

  Jake gave a serious nod, despite having not the remotest understanding of what Albert was going on about.

  Then came the American football. Identical reaction from Jake. When it came to the toy cruise missile launcher, Lizzie’s eyes began to bulge. When he produced the radio-controlled tank, she couldn’t keep quiet. She cleared her throat. Stephanie muttered, “Lizzie, let it go. Just let it go.” Cass sat grinning with anticipation.

  “Call me quaint,” Lizzie said, sounding like some lady bountiful tweedy type, “but the twins were into Peter Rabbit and Miss Moppet when they were Jake’s age, not playing with imitation weapons of mass destruction.”

  Albert laughed and said kids didn’t associate these toys with war. They were just fun.

  “And you think death is fun, do you?”

  “No. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that children don’t make that connection. They enjoy pushing buttons and making a noise.”

  “Lizzie,” Stephanie whispered, “if you scale the moral high ground any higher, you’ll have a nosebleed. Leave it. I’ll deal with this.”

  “And a boy has to be brought up to be a boy,” Albert went on. “If you know what I mean. No son of mine is going to read books about Miss Moppet.”

  “Or, God forbid, play with irons and ironing boards,” Cass muttered, eyes gleam
ing with mischief. Stephanie dug her in the ribs.

  “Oh, I love Miss Moppet,” Sunnie Ellaye piped up. “I saw her in Vegas once. You really can’t tell she’s a man.”

  Albert helped Stephanie put Jake to bed after everyone left, not that much help was needed. He fell asleep virtually the moment his head touched the pillow.

  “He’s starting to look like me,” Albert said, stroking Jake’s cheek.

  “Isn’t he?” She smiled.

  “I wish I could be here more. It tears me apart, not seeing him.”

  She put her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  “Hey, it’s not your fault. So, what do you think of Sunnie?”

  “I think she’s very sweet,” Stephanie said diplomatically.

  “Yeah, I think so too,” he said.

  She switched off the bedside light and they went downstairs. Sunnie Ellaye was in the kitchen making another green tea. As soon as Albert walked in she draped her arms around him and began planting little kisses on his face. “Sunnie-Wunnie missed you,” she said in a silly, childlike voice.

  “Me too, babe,” he said in between nibbling her lips.

  “Right, food,” Stephanie broke in, resisting the urge to put her finger down her throat. “You two haven’t had a thing. How about I make some turkey sandwiches?”

  “Great,” Albert said. “But you sit down. I’ll do it.”

  “I’d prefer some stir-fried tofu, maybe, if you have it,” Sunnie Ellaye said. “I don’t actually eat anything that had a parent.”

  “Actually, I’m fresh out of tofu,” Stephanie said. Sunnie compromised on organic peanut butter on Hovis. While Albert made the sandwiches, Stephanie started unloading the dishwasher. Sunnie stood next to her, sipping her tea and chatting away.

  “Ooh, what’s that?” Sunnie said, picking up a three-inch piece of twisted stainless steel.

  “Ah, funny you should ask,” Stephanie said. “I’d never seen one before, either. It belongs to the chap who owns the house. Lizzie found it when we were preparing the turkey. It’s a turkey lacer. You thread it through the skin and it stops the stuffing from falling out.”

  “Really? God, it’s so …”

  Long pause.

  “Cute?” Stephanie suggested.