"You look a little tired. Really, are you okay?"
He seems in deep thought, "Nah, really. I'm okay. I just need a little down time. "
“Well...if you need alone time, I can go back home.”
He grabs my hand, "I said down time not alone time. I just got you back. I need to spend time with you." He squeezes a bit for encouragement.
"You don't have me back. We are just friends. Remember?" I ease my hand from his. He seems a little shaken by my bluntness.
"Oh, I remember,” he nods his head as we finally get to Slone's house. “I definitely remember.”
Slone’s mom is ecstatic to have us all together again. I feel a little tension between Slone and Lane. But they seem to laugh it off.
Lane
Friends. We are just friends I have to remind myself like a thousand times. I am trying not to look like a complete idiot. But seeing her hanging out with Slone's parents and watching how she still can laugh with him makes my head hurt. I want to go all man cave and grab her up and drag out with me. I want to scream MINE, like a two year old. Because, she is mine in my heart and my soul.
The house is full of people. Slone's folks have invited all our high school friends. Plus, a few others. The decibel level is that of a small roar, but all I can focus on is Keira.
I know she can feel me staring. She finally looks at me. I smile. She smiles back. Her smile is the polite hello grin that strangers give. I want to be more than a stranger to her. Make your move buddy. It’s now or never. Here goes nothing. I step forward grabbing her by the hand. I can see the surprise on register on her face.
"Hey," I say putting my lips close to her ear. I’m drawn in to her sweet scent. I think I feel her shiver.
"Hey yourself Mr.Callahan," she hip checks me playfully.
I chuckle and force a slight smile. I wish she knew how much I wanted to grab her and kiss her lips. She looks so beautiful in her tight dark jeans and red sweater. I love the way it falls off her shoulder and I can see more of her soft chocolate skin. She is so freaking beautiful. "So what did you ask Santa to get you this Christmas?" I hope my voice sounds light. I am trying to keep it light....like friends.
"Are you trying to ask me what I want for Christmas?" I nod. Then I look at her eyes and I see something. Its small,but I recognize the spark. I reach out and grab her wrist. She doesn’t pull away. "Lane," she whispers my name. “Friends. Remember?"
Okay. Here it goes. I can’t stand it any longer, "I am not your friend. " She looks surprised and a little hurt. I’m screwing this up. "I mean I am, but Keira I want more than friendship with you. I want us. The way we were. You know?"
"Oh," she steps back. I step closer. I can’t let her run or hide. I need her like the air I breathe. I need her. I step close enough for our bodies to touch. She is so much smaller than I am. So tiny and delicate. Her breast are pressed just under my pectorals. She turns her head. I cup her chin. Damn her skin is soft. I pull her chin up. Her eyes are full of unshed tears. Holy crap! I would do anything for this girl. I want her pain to go away. Am I her pain? I shake the thought ,because I know I am the cause of her pain. I know I am the reason we no longer have a relationship. "I'm scared," she finally says in a whisper.
Even with a room full of people, I can hear her. It’s as if the whole world melted away. I can feel her warmth radiating into my hunter green dress shirt. On pure instinct I wrap my arms around her. "I missed you. I need you. Hell , Keira I still love you. "
Her sharp intake lets me know she heard me. I make no apology for the way I feel. I do love her with all my heart and soul. I want to hold her like this forever. When she pulls back I feel naked and alone. The tears that were hanging on to her long beautiful lashes finally fall and then she says it, "I love you too."
The world stops. I suddenly feel the warm blood pumping through my veins. The smell of the Douglas fir becomes more distinct. The notes of Mariah Cary's All I want for Christmas is harmoniously perfect. I feel alive .Really alive. For the first time in my life I really feel life surging through me.
Be cool. To avoid making a scene and jumping up and down like an idiot, I claim her waist and pull her close, "Let’s go talk. Really talk. Okay?" I say intensely.
She nods. I may have scared her a little.
As we say our goodbyes and leave, I feel the stare of Slone from across the room. He's walking towards me, "Go get your coat. I’ll meet you at the door." I tell Keira. I don't want a scene. Slone is my best friend, but I love Keira. I don’t want to choose but I will. I cut him off before as he opens his mouth to say the first word, "What up bro?" Trying to keep it civil.
"Leaving so soon?"
I nod. I am not up for explaining myself to Slone or anyone.
"I hope it works out man. She is worth the risk," he turns and walks away.
Keira
The moment of truth. He turns off the road and stops in a vacant parking lot. We are finally going to talk. Only now, I don't know what to say and where to begin. Lane is watching me. I hope he is not waiting on me to say anything.
"So?" Lane is grinning like a small child. His joy is palpable.
"So?" I return his tone raising my eyebrows. He chuckles and I giggle.
"God, Keira. I love you so much. I just don't want you to give up on me. I need to know you will always be there. "
"I will always be there Lane. I needed the space to get a chance to think, but I still love you and I miss you like crazy." I grab his hand.
"So ....now what?" he shrugs in a mixture of awe and confusion.
" I..I don't know. I have never really been in a relationship. Am I like your girlfriend? What about Rachel?"
"What about her? Rachel and I have not talked since a few days after my concussion. I pretty much told her I was done. Honestly," he tilted his chin as if he was thinking of something important. "I think she is sleeping with the other Quarterback ."
I try to contain my smirk only to finally let it burst out in laughter, “Really?"
"That’s just Rachel. She has always been like this. She was never really my girlfriend."
"What will your parents say?" I ask.
He looks out the now fogging windows. “Don’t know and don't care. I gotta live my life. You ready to go home?"
I shake my head.
He smiles that beautiful dimpled smile. "Good. It's too cold to stay in my car. We can go to my Gramps. "
Too nervous to speak, I nod.
Lane
Gramps lives a little further out of the city, but I love his place. It's so peaceful and quiet. I know I will have a little explaining to do, bringing a girl home, but he trusts me. I will just have to be on my best behavior. You haven't even kissed her dude. I have to remind myself that Keira doesn't have the same experience that other girls have had ,so I have to go slow with her.
She is awful quiet over in the seat. "Why so quiet?"
"I called my aunt. She didn't answer, but I left a voicemail. I think I’ll text her. It is Christmas Eve," she pulls out her phone.
"Will she be upset if you don't come home?"
"She may but I doubt it. She trusts me and she has this new boyfriend. He's not really kid friendly," she pauses. "I guess I shouldn't say that. He just seems to want her to himself. I am an adult so ..."
I search her face,"So you can stay as long as you want?"
"I guess so," her phone chirps. She concentrates on reading the message."Aunt Debb says have fun," she looks a little disappointed.
"Well Gramps will love you.”
When I drive up to the house, the lights are all aglow. My Gramps loves the holidays. My grandma Lilly loved the holidays, too. I hope Gramps will be okay with the company. Maybe I should have called. Too late. The front door opens. My Gramps walks out to the steps to welcome me as he always does.
When I open the door to help Keira out, he lifts his eyebrows in surprise. When we reach the top of the stairs, he grabs me in a big bear hug. "My favorite grandson is here. How are L
ane? And who is this lovely young lady?"
I introduce Keira to my Gramps and he grabs her in a big hug to welcome her. She giggles. He likes her. I can tell.
We walk through the cozy house and look at the all the ornaments on the tree. The decorations are everywhere. Gramps seems in good spirits. I can feel him watching us as we eat cookies made by the local bakery. Then Gramps puts on a Christmas movies for us to watch. He chaperoning. I can tell.
When Keira offers to clean up the dishes from our snack, Gramps turns to me as she leaves the room,"So, that's your Keira. She reminds me of Lilly, same sweet demeanor and mischievous giggle. You’re in love with her aren't you?"
No use in denying it so I nod.
"I can see it. It's written all over your face. I will say this and then I am going to bed. A woman like Lilly required me to be a man. To love her enough to protect her even when I didn't know how. I had to be a man and make serious and hard decisions. Lilly was for keeps, " his voice cracked. Clearing his throat, he continued, "With that being said, I trust you to be that man. In my home you know the rules. Right?"
I nod again, "Right. There will be no hanging out." I say ,knowing exactly where the conversation is headed, "She is not Rachel .Keria is not the hanging out type, so I hear you loud and clear, Gramps. "
My gramps shakes my hand and hugs Keira before heading up to bed. It just the two of us. I want to turn on the TV but I can't. I can't seem to take my eyes off of Keira. She's taken off her boots and is sitting on the sofa.
"I love you," she whispers into the warm glow of the room. The only lights are those from the Christmas tree.
Not realizing, I was moving closer until I was sitting next to her with her legs resting across my lap. "I love you too so so much,” her eyes are so beautiful. Her lips look so soft and plump. I lower my head and Oh .My. God. Heaven. Her lips and tongue are like heaven. Is this what love feels like? If so, I'm a goner.
Keria
I should be focusing on my class. I have so much reading to do. But, I keep thinking about the night of Christmas Eve I spent with Lane. He looked so yummy in his hunter green dress shirt and khakis. Even his loafers were sexy.
When he kissed me my world stopped. I had to remember to breath. I was nervous, more like worried. His gramps was really nice, but I didn't want him to get the wrong impression of me. I was glad when Lane eased my fears. Hey we're just hanging out. Making up for lost time. No pressure. Just kissing. That's all. I promise. I know that when we are ready together we can decide to go further. Okay? So, just relax. I love you. (kiss) I love you (kiss).I love you (kiss) so(kiss) so ( kiss ) much.
I giggle thinking about his kisses. He's back at football practice. The season is almost over. He seems a little more on edge when he plays , and he is always so busy. We text all throughout the day. We even talk at night when we have time. I only had Christmas Eve and Christmas day to spend with him,so I miss him like crazy. We skype some nights just because I need to see his face.
He promises me more time as soon as the season is over. I have to focus on the words on the page,but my phone buzzes. It’s Lane . He wants to face time. I love modern technology. I swipe the screen, "Hey you. What's up?"
He looks tired, "Just finished practice. Sitting in the car waiting on Slone. Thought I would check in with you. You busy?"
"I should be studying, but I seem to be just daydreaming about you." I feel my cheeks get warm from embarrassment.
"Oh? What are you daydreaming about?" his voice gets all low and sexy. It’s yummy. Hell, he’s yummy.
"Just how much I miss you and I wish I was sitting with you. I wish I was kissing you just like we did at your Gramps." Oh my gosh I sound so sappy.
"Well, I miss you too. I wish I could wake up to you every morning like I did on Christmas morning. "
"God ....."I sigh in frustration. “Lane," I whine his name. “I want see you and touch you."
"We will . I'll come see you in another two weeks. After the playoffs. I'd ask you to come to the playoffs, but I won't see much of you.Plus, my folks will be here and I know you don't want another repeat of Christmas day. "
"Ugh," I think back to when his parents walked in on is asleep on the sofa. Lane was sitting up with his head resting on the back of the sofa. I was snuggled next to him with my legs across his thighs. His gramps thought it was cute. "That can't be comfortable , but young love will do that." I heard him say as I opened my eyes. "Well, merry Christmas Lane. And you are?" His mother asked in her snotty tone. Lane introduced me as he sat up and stretched. "I suppose you'll be dropping Keira ? Right?" She continued. "Off at her home. Your father will be here soon. I wouldn't want him to find you like this," she waved her hand around as if she were disgusted by the sight. "Plus, Rachel and her mom will join us for coffee and dessert at home later."
Lane interrupts me from my thoughts. "I can't stop them from coming,but I can choose not to put us in an awkward position. I just need to focus on football," he rubs his face in exhaustion.
"Are you sure Lane?" this whole thing with his parents makes me so insecure.
"Sure about what?"
"Is it just the situation or is it us?" I speak softly.
I know he gets angry every time I bring this up. "We have this argument once a week. Keira. I. Love. You. My parents are ...just ...they are crazy and controlling and selfish. But, you and I are not controlled by them. It's enough of a distraction having them here. But having to argue with them about you and watch out for you and play football is a little bit overwhelming. Okay?" His tone is harsh.
I get harsh right back, "Don’t yell at me Lane. I just need to make sure that we are okay. I know how much your parents can influence you. "
"No. They . Don't . "He seethes with his teeth clenched.
"Sure they do. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been screwing Rachel all through high school.” Take that.
"Here comes Slone. I prefer to not have this argument with you while he’s in the car. "
I don't say goodbye I just hang up. This whole situation with his parents makes me nervous. They spent all of Christmas trying to talk him out of being with me. “ So you’re choosing her? " his mother looks me up and down , "Over Rachel? I mean really son. She is quite pretty but Rachel is you know...she’s Rachel. We can talk about it more once you drop your little friend off."
I put my phone on the charger. I need to study. Amen. That’s why you came to school. Then I will take a shower. I am just so sick of Lane’s parents. Then, there is Rachel with her posts on my wall about anything that has to do with Lane. It's just exhausting.
Lane
Okay. I’ve had enough. We argue over Rachel, my mom and dad every other day. I wish she could understand how much I love her. Keira makes me a stronger person. She makes me a better me.
It's been two hours since our face time argument. She is not answering her phone. Chill out. She is just studying,dude. Like you need to do. I ignore the thought and text her.
Me: call me
No response.
Me: Keira! Call me!
I wait.
Keria: I dont want to talk. What’s up?
Me: I love you!
Keira: I know.
Me: Love me?
Keira: Thinking about it......umm
Me: Not funny!
Keira: Your parents hate me.
Me: I love you!
Keria: I want them to not hate me.
Me. I want them to love you as much as I do.
Me: That may never happen. But I will still love you. We are forever. Remember?
Keira: Forever. Goodnight. I love you.
Me: Love you
I think back to Christmas day before we left. We were laying on my Gramp’s couch snuggling.
“Lane, I want this forever.” Keira told me. I kissed her and promised her, “This is forever. I promise."
I meant it when I said it. I want my parents to love her like I do, but I doubt that will ever happen. They are loyal to thei
r plan for me to marry Rachel, and we walk off together into the sunset. I have not heard from Rachel since she started screwing around here at school. She knows I am with Keira. She doesn’t care. Our parents seem to care more about us getting together than either of us do. It’s so weird. They just don’t seem to be listening.
Whatever... I have to study and get focused on getting head. I won’t be in a position to study when we head off to the playoffs, so I have to go through the work for the next few classes to get ahead. Plus, I help Slone with his work .
I look at the picture of Keira from Christmas Eve. I took I while she was sleeping . Her sweater is sliding off her shoulder. All that sexy brown skin is exposed. God, I can’t wait to make her mine. Just a few more weeks, I keep reminding myself.
We have talked about it, but I don’t want to pressure her. I can’t lie though, I want her to be mine in every way. She has to be mine. I know it’s her first time, so I’ll go slow. I can handle that. I just need to make certain not to push her too hard or try to move too fast.
Complicated Love Page 6