I need a minute to think. “I don't know how to respond to that Lane. I love you. I really do but you used me!" I am so angry I can barely contain it. "Just like your parents, you want to possess this baby because you want control. You want to control me. Do you get that? You altered my world forever....without my consent." He looks surprised as if I slapped him. The rage is flowing from me, “Yes, I said forever. Yes, I want a family, but someday was my decision. " I stand up walking towards the door. " I just can't ...I don't trust you anymore."
"Please don't leave. Please...." He is reaching for me. I have to get away from him.
“I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to be my mother. Constantly looking for the next person or thing to rescue me from the mistake I made."
His anger rises," Mistake? This baby was not a mistake-"
“No. Maybe not for you ,but it was not my plan either." I walk out the door . The conversation is over. I am too exhausted to think. Too nauseous to care. I walk through downtown. My phone pings. I have a text message. I am too tired to care. I know its Lane. I don't have to look. I power the phone down and continue walking.
Lane
" Keira , baby , where are you? I am so sorry please call me when you get this message. I know you’re upset,but it's been six hours and I have not heard from you . Call me....I love you so much." I hang up and look at Gramps.
He has been really quiet since I came barging into his house hours earlier in sheer panic. Before he could ask, I told him the whole story. Everything . I thought he would yell or maybe scream, but he has been almost silent . Only speaking to tell me to keep calling her since I can't find her and now here we sit. In front of her dormitory. I drove nonstop for four hours like a bat out of hell. I may have taken a few years off Gramp's life. He didn’t say anything about my speed. I called her for the last three hours and been to her dorm room ten times at least. The campus police keep walking past us. I’m sure we look pretty crazy sitting here in my car and running into the building ever ten minutes. Hell, the front desk worker may have called them. I don’t care. I need to see her and make sure she is okay .
I feel gramps tap me on my should and out of my thoughts, "There she is." his brow draws in.
“She looks tired Lane. Really tired. " I can hear the accusation in his voice. I did that to her. I know I am a selfish son of a bitch. "You need to approach this carefully.” Gramps gives me a side arm hug, “I am right here of you need me.” I nod and step out the car.
She seems so sad ...so broken. Now I realize the gravity of my choice. Getting closer to her, I can see I have killed the light in her eyes. I fucked up. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, I won't call my baby a mistake. I’ll fix it. If I have to I will spend my life fixing this.
“Hi." She startles at my voice. She is so deep I thought she didn’t realize that I was right behind her. "Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."
“What are you doing here?" She asks softly.
“I ... We," I gesture toward the Rover, "Came to see you. I was scared when I didn't hear from you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
“We?" She looks at the Rover as Gramps gets out. He walks slowly toward Keira. I can see her eyes fill with tears. He wraps her I his big bear hug of an embrace and she collapses in a heart wrenching sob. My heart breaks literally into a thousand tiny pieces. What have I done?
Gramps scoops her into his arms and cradles her as he walks to the rover. He looks back at me and I snap out it and run to open the door. He slides in the back seat with her and I stand there helpless watching. Gramps looks over his shoulder at me, motioning for me to switch places with him .
I am holding Keira tightly as Gramps drives us to a nearby bed and breakfast. His friend owns it. They seem to be expecting us. I look at Keira. Her sobbing has quieted on the ride and now her breathing is deep and even.
She is still asleep when I lay her on the bed. I pull her shoes off and then my own as I curl up behind her. I keep my hand wrapped tightly around the girl I love.
“I’m scared," I hear her say hours later in the darkness of the night.
“Me too." I finally admit. "I'm so sorry. I thought I had this all figured out. I just thought we could be happy." I choke the words out. I now know I have to accept whatever choice she makes because I took her choice away.
“Listen to me,” she turns to face me. “I am happy or a small part of me is happy and excited that you and I have made something so wonderful. But that is much much smaller than the fear and anxiety I have about the same wonderful thing." I only mod. I'm simply glad she is speaking to me. Hell, I wouldn't speak to me if I were her. But she is ,so I just listen. “My mother has spent her whole life running from man to man to make up for the life I took away when she got pregnant.” Her voice warbled. "I don’t want to resent this baby...or you. I want to be the mom who loves unconditionally. Can I do that now?" She let the tears stream down her face.
"Of course you can baby. You can be any kind of mom you want and I can be any kind of dad I want."
“But how? I am nineteen. I have a part time job and a high school diploma. My boyfriend is nineteen. He live four hours away. No,he's not worried about money but his parents will think I trapped him when, in reality, he trapped me. How is this going to work? " She almost yells.
All I could do is stare at her in frustration. "Do you really believe I did this to trap you?"
"Well didn’t you? I did not have a choice in the matter." She shook her head.
“You had a choice. I asked you over and over again if you were sure. If you were ready for forever." I focus on keeping my voice low and calm. I could not take all the blame. I was partially-okay, mostly responsible for Keira being pregnant but I was not alone that night this baby-our baby-a son or a daughter was conceived.
I know I should man up and confess I wanted to get her pregnant and wanted to make her mine forever. I want more control over my life. Seeing her disappointment in me hurt too much. I wasn't ready to confess one hundred percent.
Keira stood up and paced the floor in front of the bed, "Lane ! You should have used a condom. I told you I wasn’t on birth control. "
"Really Keira, how many times had we talked about wanting to have sex? We have planned it and talked about it for months. I wasn’t there alone . I didn’t magically implant this baby in you. You were there,and you never asked me to use a condom. "
Keira
All I could do was crumble to the floor. It was true. I knew I should have gotten some kind of birth control but I didn’t, why? . I guess I trusted that it would be okay. Even if we had used a condom, I could have still ended up pregnant. I had been just as irresponsible or responsible for this mess as he was. I wasn't thinking about the sex but not the consequences.
Looking at Lane, I still felt betrayed. "Lane, why didn’t you use a condom?" My voice was soft. I suspected, remembering his words about “this is forever” and “are you sure?"
"I don't know.” He seemed to deflate and fall back into the feather down pillows.” I just...I felt so alone. I needed you so much and so bad. Just never wanted to let you go.”
Okay.I think I am starting to understand. "Have you ever not used a condom before?”
He shook his head. "Never. I never let a girl give me a ...you know...oral sex without one either. So I just felt like ....you just mean so much..." His eyes clouded with guilt." Keira , baby, I am so sorry. " His grey silver eyes fill with tears. But I have to know so I ask.
"Did you do it to control me or because you love me?"
Lane bolts upright and moves in front of me before I can move backwards, he grabs my face gently with both hands caressing my face then lips. "I love you Keira, I have no need to control you. This baby is about my love for you and our love for each other. I will never control you with my love. Do you understand? Never. I will love you and this baby with all my soul. Just give me a chance to prove it. " I wanted to say I could trust him to be th
ere always but how? He had broken my trust by not using a condom. Even if he says he doesn’t want too, I feel like he is trying to control me. To trap me in this relationship
I think about my mom and how I have moved from family member to family member. How I watched her scheme to trap one man or another and chase them as they pulled away from her. I don’t want to be her. I can't. I won’t be that person. I have a plan. I have to stick with it.
After our fight at the hotel, I’d ignored all Lane’s calls and messages. Instead of calling him to bring me back to school, I hoped a city commuter transit and came back to campus alone where I found lane and Gramps waiting for me. The only call I made before loading the transit was to a clinic near campus. I have to tell him I’ve made an appointment at the abortion clinic. I need to be there in a few hours. “Lane, listen to me." I know this is gonna hurt so I may as well pull off the band aid. “I have an appointment at the abortion clinic,” he is vehemently shaking his head. The tears are freely rolling down his face. "I have too. I can't be like my mom. I have to be my own person. Please try to understand. Please baby, don’t hate me. I love you so much. Maybe we can still love each other. Maybe we can still have forever? " I feel like I am begging. Pleading. I need him to understand.
Lane
I have never raised my voice to a woman before. Never. But the words came out of me with such harshness I did not recognize me own voice. "No! No, you can’t. We love each other. And...and we can do this. We can love this baby. Please Keira."
There is a knock at the door. She walks over to grab it and Gramps walks in. "Lower your voice. I can hear the two of you across the hall." He says in calm stern voice. "Come and sit down." He sits on the sofa in the adjoining room.
I can barely stand. I can’t believe she is going through with this. I have promised to love and support her. What else can I promise? What else can I do?
As if she is reading my mind, Keira says, "It’s not about the money. I know you will be there financially. But we are so young. What if you change your mind? Then what?”
"I won’t change my mind. I promise. Forever. Remember? " Our discussion has continued as if Gramps were still across the hall.
"Why don't you two take a deep breath and let’s see if I can help. Is that okay?” Gramps finally says.
I nod yes .Keira has come to love and respect my Gramps so she agrees. We both plop down on the sofa in emotional and physical exhaustion. She on one end and I on the other .
Gramps chuckles at the sight of us, “Move closer. She’s pregnant now. No use acting like you don't like each other now." We both laugh silently and move closer. "Lane, do you love her?"
"Of course I do. That’s what I -"
"Stop." He holds up his hands to halt the discussion. "Keria, do you love Lane?" She's smart enough to simply nod. "So let’s look at what happened. Two unmarried people were hanging out," He uses finger quotes like I do." And a child was conceived."
"We weren’t hanging out. We made love Gramps. I love Keira. Hanging and hooking up is not what we were doing." I can see a smile tug at her lips.
"Fair enough. So what the problem?." He looks at Keira.
She wiped the tears from her face. “I do love Lane and I do want forever. But I feel like a baby is a commitment he and I may not be ready for. I have an appointment....” She hesitates. “I can terminate the pregnancy and Lane won't be trapped." She doesn’t look at Gramps. Only her hands.
“Uh huh… Now I see. But Lane doesn’t feel trapped. Do you?"
" No," I whisper. " I will love her and this baby forever. But I think she thinks I trapped her." I look at her and reach over to grab her tiny hand. "I am so sorry. I should have been more careful. I should have thought this through. I really am sorry."
"Sorry for what?” Gramps asks. Even though he knows all the details he’s gonna make me man up and say it.
"I knew not using a condom could get you pregnant. I knew you weren’t on any birth control. I knew this could happen but I just ...I just wanted you more than I thought through the consequences. I'm sorry. "
Gramps shook his head. "You were being selfish. Didn’t think about her life or the plans for her life." I simply nodded. "And now you want her to stop her life and have the life you want. You took her choice away. You decided her life without consulting her. Now, Lane, you have to live with the consequences. Whatever those may be. I don’t believe this is what God wants for you but I can’t stop you." He looked pointedly at me. I knew what that meant. I would be sitting in an abortion clinic waiting on my baby to die.
Keira
I am stunned that Gramps understands my position. He is a preacher, and I thought he would go all "right to life" on me but he didn't. He got up and walked out the room. I am stunned.
"What time is the appointment?" Lane asks blandly.
"One o'clock. I have to be there at twelve forty five to fill out paper work." I respond. “I guess I should shower,huh?” He simply nods. But he won't look at me. I have to do what is best for me, not Lane right now.
"I will get in after you finish. Do you need anything? Breakfast or a snack?" He asks. He is being so kind. Even though I know his heart is breaking.
I want to go to him and tell him we will be okay but I don't know if we will. I just don’t know.
At 12:45 , we walk up to the clinic doors. It’s a quiet , peaceful office. Much like any other doctor's office but life and death decisions are being determined literally. Lane intertwines his fingers with mine. His hands are sweaty and mine are shaking. The receptionists’ asks for payment and Lane pulls a few hundred dollar bills out of his wallet. He pays her. We sit quietly until they call my name. I look over at Lane. He still won’t make eye contact with me but I can see the tears falling from his unshaven face leaving wet tear drops on his shirts. His leg is bouncing up and down nervously. His head is moving unconsciously from side to side. Look at me...dammit look at me .I want him to know I am scared too. I need you. I still love you. I can't do this without him, please...just look at me. I need you to look at me.
But he doesn’t. Our fingers unravel like a rope being shredded apart. Like our relationship is tattering at this very moment. We will never be the same. I am saying goodbye to my forever.
THE END
Continue Reading for a sneak peak at the next installment of Complicated Love
Keira
I follow the nurse into the next room. She talks to me about my rights as a patient and what to expect during the procedure. All I hear is “slight pressure and minimal pain". I try to focus on her words. "Do you know how far along you are?"
"Uh...no."
"Well we will have to do an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus. If you'll get undressed and put on a gown we can begin. "
Slowly, I slide my clothes off and replace them with a gown. The table is cool even with the tissue paper. When the doctor arrives he is very kind and gentle. His words and tone are very comforting. "Five weeks and four days.”
I look at him. He must see the questions in my eyes. You are almost through half of the first trimester." I do the math in my head. In seven and half months I would have had a baby. An itty bitty Lane would have be in this world. The doctor pushes the probe into my vaginal opening. The nurse and the doctor began to talk amongst themselves. I can't hear anything. I lift my eyes just as the doctor is turning the monitor toward the nurse and there it is ....my baby. My little Lane. Our forever love is on the screen.
My heart is pounding. I begin to shake with uncontrollable sobs. "Ma'am', are you alright? We can wait if you need to catch your breath," the doctor asks gently.
"Lane... I want Lane." I sob even harder.
"Aw...honey, is that your boyfriend? “ The nurse asks stroking my back. I nod. “He's in the lobby,right?" I nod quickly. "I'll go get him. Then we can talk again. "
<
br />
Complicated Love Page 8