Free to Love

by Lillianna Blake

  “He’s thirty. He’s never been married and has no kids. I don’t think he takes much of anything seriously. He’s always joking around. We’re just very different.”

  “Hm, well, you know, you have a pretty good sense of humor. You’re always breaking up my stress with a good joke or a brighter perspective. Age isn’t a huge issue.”

  “Maybe not when it’s the man that’s older.” I shook my head. “But really, how often do you see an older woman with a younger man?”

  “It’s not like he’s twenty, Noella. You two are only ten years apart.”

  “Ten years might as well be a lifetime. I mean, what if he wants kids of his own? Plus, he’s never been a father; how could he understand how to deal with two rambunctious boys?”

  “Maybe he’s never been a father, but I’m sure he’s been a rambunctious boy.” She laughed.

  “Ugh, I know, I get your point. But really, think about it. What thirty-year-old man—and let’s not forget how gorgeous he is—is going to want to give up all his freedom to hunker down on the weekends with two kids while I try to catch up on the laundry? It’s just not realistic.”

  “You don’t think it is, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t realistic to him. Not every man is a player. Some really do look forward to settling down and having a family. As for the baby, well, maybe he doesn’t want any. Or maybe he’d like the idea of adopting. Or maybe he’d feel complete being a part of your children’s lives. Whatever the case, you don’t know the outcome until you at least consider the possibility.”

  “You’re supposed to be discouraging me.” I grinned. “You’re not doing a very good job of that.”

  “Well, maybe I don’t want to discourage it. I would rather see you happy than always agree with you, you know. So, do you think Wes could make you happy?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never even considered it. It feels silly for me to even think about it. He’s my friend—my good friend—but I’ve always seen him as a younger person. I’m not sure I could get past that. I feel like he couldn’t, either. We’d maybe have some fun, but that fun would quickly pass. I’m not interested in just fun. Justin is in it for the long haul, I can feel it. We connect very well and we’re in similar places. He’s the one I can see a future with.”

  “You can see it, but can you feel it?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “I haven’t even given him a chance. We had one date and we were both nervous. So no, maybe my heart didn’t flutter and maybe I didn’t get knocked off my feet, but what’s so wrong with that? There’s such a thing as lust, isn’t there? It makes sense that I would feel that way toward Wes. Like you said, we’ve always been kind of flirty with one another. Maybe I took it too seriously without realizing it and then seeing him in person just stirred all that up. I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense, right?”

  “The only thing other than the possibility of you actually having a connection with him.” She set her glass down and sat forward on the sofa. “I can tell you this, if Wes is the one for you, nothing you can do will change that.”

  “He’s not.” I set my glass down, then stretched. “We’ve both had a long day. I, for one, am ready for some sleep.”

  “I’ve set up the guest room for you. I had some plans for tomorrow but they may have to change with Melody’s injury.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m just glad to have some time to spend with you.”

  As I settled into the guest room, I pushed all thoughts of Wes out of my mind. It was ridiculous that I’d even let them creep in. What I needed to do was focus on reality.

  I called home to tell the boys goodnight and listen to the fun that they’d been having with Hanna. For a split second I wished that I was back there with them, but that moment passed when I stretched out on a kid-free bed and closed my eyes knowing that I could actually have an uninterrupted night’s sleep.

  But as my mind and body began to relax, my thoughts filled with memories of meeting Wes—when his hand had brushed mine, when he’d touched my shoulder, they way he’d looked into my eyes.

  Was it possible that he was feeling what I was feeling?

  Chapter 8

  When I woke up the next morning I was ready to enjoy my weekend with Nicole and her family. I decided to set aside any thoughts of Wes as well as any thoughts of Justin. I was there to enjoy my friend and I didn’t need to think about anything else.

  I walked into the kitchen to discover Nicole at the stove with the most delicious-smelling French toast sizzling in the pan.

  “Morning, Nicole.” I smiled as I paused beside her.

  “Good morning.” She grinned at me. “I love waking up with you here.”

  “I felt the same way when I woke up! For a second I forgot where I was and then surprise!” I smiled. “And this smells so good!”

  “Even better because you’re not the one cooking it, right?” She winked at me and slid a few slices onto a plate before handing it to me.

  “Yes, so much better.” I laughed.

  “Well, this is just the beginning. Prepare to be pampered, sweetheart. You deserve it! Gavin is going to take the kids out today and you and I are going to my favorite spa for massages and mani-pedis!” She poured me a glass of orange juice and set it down on the table.

  “Oh, Nicole, that’s amazing, but isn’t it too much? I don’t want to take you away from the kids.”

  “Oh, please do.” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t get me wrong, I love them both very much, but I need a break now and then—just like you do.” She added some French toast to three more plates, then piled the last of it onto her own. “Listen, I’m going to have to go into Melody’s school Monday morning. I’m so sorry about this, but I have to fill out special forms about her injury and it may take a couple of hours to get everything straightened out, plus she has a follow-up doctor’s appointment. I feel terrible, because I had everything planned out. Like tomorrow we’re going to have a barbecue and then Monday morning you and I were going to have some time alone together, but unfortunately it seems like that’s not going to be possible. I should be able to drive you to the airport, though.”

  “It’s okay, I totally understand. I’m sorry that Melody was hurt. She’s such a brave kiddo.”

  “She really is.” Nicole sighed as she sat down across from me. “Sometimes I think she’s far braver than I’ll ever be.”

  “I think falling in love and getting married is pretty brave.” I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. “You’ve done some amazing things.”

  “I know, it’s still hard for me to believe sometimes.” She glanced over her shoulder toward the entrance of the kitchen, then looked back at me and lowered her voice. “A part of me still expects things to fall apart, I think. It’s crazy, I know.”

  “It’s not crazy. It’s hard to believe that wonderful things happen when you’ve been through so much. I can’t imagine what it would be like to actually meet someone, fall in love, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I’d probably be terrified every step of the way. The important thing is to work on letting go of that fear so that you can actually enjoy your relationship.”

  “I have and still am. It’s an ongoing process. Luckily Gavin is very sweet and very patient.” She met my eyes. “But just a heads up, when it happens to you, try to embrace it. Don’t drag it out or fight it. Just jump right in.”

  “If—if it happens to me.” I took a bite of my French toast just as my phone buzzed with a text.

  An instant smile crossed my lips and I could feel my cheeks grow hot as I read Wes’s message.

  I hope you’re having a great time. Don’t forget, I’d like to see you again. Any time that is good for you, I’ll make it work.

  “Who’s that?” She peered at me as I looked up. “Oh my goodness, you’re blushing. Is it Justin?”

  “Uh, no.” I cleared my throat and decided not to text Wes back. It would be best if I didn’t see him again, because clearly I couldn’t handle being around him or eve
n getting a text from him. Our friendship was better off long distance.

  “So, who is it?” She eyed my phone.

  “Wes.” I bit into my bottom lip.

  “Girl, you have it bad, don’t you?” She laughed. “What did he say?”

  “He wants to get together again before I leave, but I’m not going to do it.”

  “Why not?” She stood up as Gavin walked into the kitchen.

  “Sweetheart, whatever that smell is, I’m pretty sure it should be illegal.” He groaned as he wrapped his arms around her, then gave her a light peck on her lips. “Yum, French toast, I knew it.”

  “Get it while it’s hot.” She grinned.

  “Alright, but I mean, Noella is right there and the kids are up.” He started to swing her up off her feet.

  “The French toast!” She swatted his chest and laughed as he set her back down.

  “I guess I’ll settle for that.” He smiled and headed for the table.

  I couldn’t help but notice the passion between them. It wasn’t just Gavin’s flirtation or the way that Nicole giggled, it was something much deeper and more vibrant than that. It wiggled between them like a wave, no matter how far apart they were.

  My stomach twisted with desire. Yes, despite all my denial, I desperately wanted something like that.

  “So, are you going to text him back?” She returned to the table as Melody and Jordan made their way into the kitchen.

  Gavin was distracted as he battled with them over the syrup and butter. I noticed that he seemed relaxed and connected as he interacted with them.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Hm, okay—I’ll do it for you.” She snatched up my phone and bolted out of the kitchen.

  “Nicole!” I jumped up and chased after her.

  Chapter 9

  Nicole made it to the living room with my phone before I caught up with her. She giggled as she finished the last of her text and then hit send.

  “No, don’t!” I gasped. “Nicole! Stop, I can’t see him again, I just can’t.”

  “It’s because you can’t that you have to.” She handed me my phone back. “Mark my words, you’ll thank me for this one day.”

  “I can’t believe you did that!” I moaned as I looked at my phone.

  “Don’t worry, I just invited him to the barbecue tomorrow. I didn’t profess my love for him or anything, and I didn’t send him any incriminating pictures.”

  “I should hope not.” Gavin stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. “What are you up to, Nicole?”

  “Just trying to get Noella into a little romance.” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Nicole, I’m not mad at you, I know your heart is in the right place, but this really isn’t a good idea. I’ll just tell him it was a mistake.” I started to type out a text.

  “Don’t. Please don’t.” She put her hand over mine and looked into my eyes. “I’ve never heard you sound so excited about anyone before. You owe it to yourself to give this a chance.”

  “There’s nothing to give a chance.” I frowned. “Wes and I are not on the same page. Heck, we’re not even in the same book. He could never really want to be with me.”

  “She’s right you know, Noella.” Gavin stepped further into the room and held his hands up. “I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t be getting in the middle of girl talk, but from the man’s perspective, I can tell you, it’s not fair to just assume that you know what a man wants. Nobody looks perfect on the surface.”

  “Justin does.” I lowered my phone. “He’s already a father, loves kids, he’s thoughtful, he’s patient...”

  “You barely know him, though.” Nicole shrugged. “He might look good now, but that’s no guarantee that things will work out. If you’re willing to risk it with Justin, why not take a chance on Wes too?”

  “Because he’s just a kid.” I sighed. Then I shook my head. “Fine, I won’t tell him it’s a mistake. He can come to the barbecue, and you’ll see for yourself. He’s just not the type to settle down.”

  “Neither was I.” Gavin stretched his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “But I can tell you I trust Nicole’s instincts. Let her be your guide on this one. She won’t steer you wrong.”

  “Why do I feel like I’m being teamed up on?” I looked between the two of them with a wide smile.

  “I just want you to have the chance to be as happy as I am. I honestly never thought it was possible, but it really, really is.” She slid her arm around Gavin’s waist. “We’re living proof.”

  “I do believe that.” My heart warmed as I saw the two intertwined. “And I am happy for both of you.”

  Nicole’s phone beeped.

  “Oops, we have to get going. Finish up breakfast, Noella, I’ll just go get dressed and we can head out.”

  “Will do.” I headed back into the kitchen.

  It was hard for me to explain to Nicole how I really felt when she only saw love in the air. Yes, maybe I did have some strange and intense feelings for Wes, but they weren’t appropriate. He was my friend, there was no romance between us. The last thing I wanted was to experience that deep unyielding pull to him again. I had hoped that the next time I saw him again it would be on a computer monitor and things would be back to normal. But if I didn’t follow through now, Nicole would be crushed. I couldn’t do that to her when I knew that her intentions were pure. The question was, could I keep Wes from discovering my feelings for him if we were going to be spending an entire afternoon together?

  Our visit to the spa was wonderful and relaxing.

  The massage was a little nerve-wracking at first as I hadn’t had one in a long time, but once I relaxed, it was a powerful experience. It also reminded me that I missed the sensation of touch. Not little hands grabbing for my shirt or poking at my sides, but gentle caresses—soothing strokes of hands. It wasn’t even about sensuality, it was just about the purity of human touch and connection.

  By the time we left the spa, I felt as if I was walking on air, more relaxed than I’d ever been.

  On the drive home, I noticed that Nicole was very quiet. At first I thought that she was just feeling peaceful, like me, but I could see tension in her jaw.

  “Nicole, is everything okay? I had a great time, thank you again.”

  “Oh, Noella, I’m so, so, sorry!” She looked over at me with a hint of tears in her eyes. “We’re still going to be friends, aren’t we?”

  “What? Of course we are. Why wouldn’t we be? What’s wrong?” My heart pounded as I studied her.

  “I thought about what I did this morning and I was wrong. I shouldn’t have grabbed your phone like that or sent that text. I mean, that was going too far, wasn’t it? I’m so sorry. I can be impulsive sometimes.”

  “I’m not upset—not at all. You did what I wasn’t brave enough to do and you’re such a good friend that you knew what I really wanted. Yes, I’m nervous about seeing Wes, but when I think about going back home without seeing him again, it makes me sick to my stomach. I’m glad you sent that text, because I never would have been brave enough to do it on my own. I’ve been so stuck in safe mode that I don’t know how to take risks anymore.”

  “That is such a relief for me to hear. I was so worried that you might be mad.” She turned into the driveway, then looked over at me with a smile. “You are brave, Noella, but I know what it’s like to never put yourself first. That won’t change until you make it change.”

  Chapter 10

  On the day of the barbecue, my newfound bravery faded fast. Wes hadn’t texted me back about coming, so I wasn’t certain that he’d be there. The thought of him not being there left me feeling disappointed, but the thought of him being there caused dizziness and heart fluttering.

  As I shared breakfast with Nicole’s family, their witty exchanges made me smile and miss my kids. I took some time to video chat with the boys, hoping that it would distract me.

  That was successful, at least while I was speaking with them. They were having a great t
ime with their aunt and didn’t seem to mind at all that I wasn’t there.

  After I ended the video chat, Hanna called me.

  “What’s up?” I smiled as I answered the phone.

  “What’s up with you? Something, I can tell!”

  “You always can, can’t you?” I laughed. As the older sister, I tended to hold back a little with Hanna. I’d often been in the mother role with her, as our mother had traveled so often and didn’t have a strong interest in parenting, but now that we were both adults with families of our own that position had started to shift. I decided to confide in her about the day ahead.

  “Well, why not just text him and ask him if he’s coming?”

  “Because either way it will freak me out.” I laughed.

  “And you’re not freaking out now?”

  “Good point.” I grimaced. “Honestly, this is such a mess. I should be at home right now getting ready for my date with Justin.”

  “Listen, Noella, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. You do realize that, right?”

  I blinked. I hadn’t really thought about that. It had seemed like a choice between one or the other.

  “Honestly, no.”

  “Just because you decide to spend some time with Wes doesn’t mean that you have to give up on Justin. Lots of people date a few different people at the same time. As long as everyone is aware of the situation, it should all work out fine. You barely know Justin and you’re not sure if Wes is really interested, so at this point why would you need to choose?”

  “Hanna, you’re brilliant!” I shook my head. “You’re right. I don’t have to feel like I need to be loyal to Justin. But the truth is, I’m really nervous about even exploring things with Wes. I’m not sure if he’s sending me signals or just toying with me the way he always does. What if I make a fool of myself?”

  “Trust your instincts. If Wes is really your friend, he won’t let you do that and if he’s really interested, I’m sure he’ll make that clear. For what it’s worth, I’ve wondered about the two of you for a while.”