Steady

by Nicole Tillman

  My lungs emptied themselves as he leaned in, eyes darting from my eyes to my mouth. If I didn't know any better, I would say he was thinking of kissing me.

  “Jake...”

  “Bree, just stay.”

  I shook my head and found myself wishing that he would take a step back. I knew, theoretically, that I could just walk through him. He wasn't really there, but that seemed too intimate. Or too cruel.

  “I'm not staying just because you have a 'feeling'.” My voice was harsh enough he dropped his arms.

  “Then stay because I'm begging.”

  “Begging,” I laughed, shaking my head. “Jay's had this trip planned for weeks. I can't just bail.”

  “You can,” he insisted. “And you should.”

  I turned, eyes flaring with anger.

  “For what reason? Because my boyfriend's dead brother has a feeling I shouldn't go?”

  Jake took a startled step back.

  “Boyfriend's dead brother, huh?”

  I wanted to grab the words, shove them back down my throat, bury them forever. There was a reason I tried not to speak out of anger, and that was it. I hurt people I cared about.

  “Jake,” I reached for his arm but stumbled forward when my hand swept through nothing but cold air.

  Looking at my hands, as if they were the ones to deceive me, I felt my eyes prick with tears.

  No. Not now...

  “I don't care how you see me, how you feel about me. Because I know how I feel about you.”

  I opened my mouth to ask him what I really shouldn't, only to be interrupted by a truck horn blaring.

  “That's Jay,” I said, turning to throw everything in the cooler.

  “Bree! You're not even listening to me!”

  “I can't do this right now, Jake.”

  “Do what? Listen for two goddamn minutes?”

  “No, I can't argue with you.” I slammed the cooler lid shut. “You're asking me to choose. Which is ridiculous.”

  Jake smiled sadly. “Ridiculous because the decision is so easy? Because it's so obvious you'd choose the man with the beating heart?”

  “You have a heart!” I screamed, slapping a hand over my chest. “Right here!”

  Jake hung his head.

  I looked away.

  Jay honked again.

  “I'm a selfish man.”

  Blinking back tears and biting my lip in an attempt to keep myself from falling apart, all I could do was nod.

  “But I don't care.”

  He lifted his eyes, squared his shoulders, and took one, two, three steps forward, putting him millimeters away from me.

  “I love my brother,” he said. “But I love you too.”

  No...

  Speechless, I let the tears fall freely.

  “Why are you doing this? Why now?” My voice quivered, barely above a whisper.

  He shook his head. “Just don't go. Stay here. With me.”

  Another quick honk from the truck, and I couldn't take being in that kitchen with the owner of my heart for one second longer.

  “I have to go.”

  Closing my eyes, I stepped forward. Stepped through Jake. And I didn't turn back.

  ***

  There was only one way I was making it through the trip. I had to push all thoughts of Jake out of my mind. That would have been easily done- had I not had his spitting image sitting next to me. That was my biggest dilemma. When I looked at Jay, I thought of Jake. When I looked at Jake, I thought of Jay.

  Did that make me feel horribly guilty?

  Absolutely.

  Was there anything at all I could do to change it?

  Absolutely not.

  By some miracle, I didn't burn to a crisp while we were out on the lake for the day. I'd never been kayaking before, but Jay insisted that I would love paddling out on the lake instead of fighting rapids in a river. And he was right. It was beautiful, relaxed, and because I was surrounded by friends, I didn't pay attention to that little voice in the back of my head (or the back of my heart) that told me danger was coming.

  I ignored that voice, pushed it away until my focus was exclusively on friends, food, and fun.

  Stupid, stupid girl...

  Chapter Fifteen

  At nightfall, we all hiked up to our campsite at the top of a bluff. Without the lamplight from the overpopulated sites below, we had a gorgeous view of the stars.

  We'd been told that our little slice of heaven would be private, but it turned out there was already another group that had laid claim to one of the few places you could pitch tents on the rocky terrain. The rowdy bunch looked as if they'd been partying for quite some time, if the beer and liquor bottles scattered around their fire was any indication.

  “I'm gonna hike back down and get the rest of our stuff from the car,” Carter said after we'd started a fire. “Anyone care to help?”

  “I'll go!” Veronica shot up out of her lawn chair, but wobbled on her feet.

  “Uh uh.” Carter shook his head. “You've already been drinking. I don't need you rolling all the way down to the lake. Stay here.”

  Veronica pouted, but planted her butt back in her seat. My heart squeezed thinking about how Carter went out of his way to make Veronica happy, comfortable, and above all, safe.

  “I'll go,” Nora volunteered.

  Sydney hopped up off the ground and dusted herself off. “Me too. I need to pee anyway.”

  “Wait up,” Jay called after Carter.

  Carter shook his head curtly, jogged to where Jay was standing, and whispered in his ear. From the nod of his head, I knew Carter was asking Jay to stay behind. He didn't trust the other campers.

  I was thankful. I didn't trust them either.

  As we watched our friends disappear into the night, we all sat back and opened a fresh drink. I tilted my head back, admiring the stars while trying to tune out the party going on a few yards away.

  “Hey you.”

  I turned my head to find Jay, smiling and patting his lap. “C'mere.”

  After pulling myself up, I shuffled over to his chair and pressed my body against his, letting my legs drape over his as his arms wound tightly around my waist.

  “It's beautiful out here,” I said, looking up to continue stargazing.

  “Yeah. It is.” He took a deep breath and I felt nerves rolling off him in waves.

  “You okay?”

  He nuzzled his nose into my neck and I could feel him smile.

  “Never better.”

  We sat there, eyes drifting from the flames of the fire then up to the stars above, perfectly content. I waited as Jay worked through whatever was going on in his head.

  “You know,” he finally said, barely above a whisper. “I've loved this heart since before I was born.”

  An image of Jake appeared behind my eyes and I fought to push it back.

  “I know,” I whispered.

  Jay reached around and grabbed my hands, threading his fingers through mine.

  “Loved it then,” he whispered against the back of my neck before kissing the skin just below my hair line. “Love it now.”

  I leaned my head back, content to snuggle into him, into his love. After placing his hand over my heart, I looked up and we locked eyes as something sparked to life between us.

  “I found my sun,” I whispered.

  Jay's shoulders relaxed as he began laying a trail of fiery kisses up and down my exposed neck, my shoulders, my back.

  “I found my flower.”

  Letting out a husky laugh, I wiggled in his lap. “You sure that's not some kind of sexual innuendo?”

  “I'm positive,” he chuckled. “I just want you to know that I've-”

  He stopped short as we both heard a terrified voice yell across the darkness.

  “I said stop!”

  We both snapped up to look for Veronica. She stood at the edge of our campsite, facing off against two men who looked like that belonged in a biker gang.

  “Oh, shit.”
Jay pulled me up and ordered me to stay put as he jogged over to help our cornered comrade. “Everything okay over here?”

  “Everything's fine,” Thug number one said with a smile. He held his hands out in a show of innocence. “We were just talking. Right?” He leveled Veronica with a look. “Just talking.”

  All Veronica could do was shake her head and fumble backward. I was there in an instant, holding her shoulders as tears appeared in the corners of her eyes.

  “Hey, it's okay, c'mon back here,” I said, turning her back towards her chair.

  “Assholes,” she mumbled in a strained voice.

  “Just ignore them.”

  I hated seeing Veronica, someone who was so sweet and so strong, strung out because of something a crude stranger said or did. I got her to sit, calm down, and take a drink. As I stood to go drag Jay back to our chairs, I saw Carter reenter the campsite.

  “Carter's back,” I whispered.

  Veronica's shoulders visibly sagged in relief and I patted her leg to reassure her that she didn't need to worry.

  “Wanna roast some marshmallows?” I asked, hoping to get her mind off whatever that greaseball had said to her.

  “No, I think-” Veronica's eyes went wide. “Oh, shit.”

  Whipping my head around, I found Carter trying his best to speak calmly to the thug who had upset Veronica. Although, his calm voice sounded an awful lot like his confrontational voice.

  “Just keep your hands off her, alright?” His voice traveled over to us and I could feel Veronica tensing beside me.

  “Stay here.”

  “What? No!” She grabbed my arm and I had to pry her nails out of my skin.

  “It's okay, I'll be right back.”

  I could hear Veronica chanting 'no, no, no' as I walked away, and I wished like hell I'd listened.

  As soon as I walked onto the adjoining campsite, I felt claustrophobic. Six walls in the form of snarling men closed in around me.

  “Guy, why don't you come on back?” I said, trying to make my voice as upbeat as possible in the situation. “We're all good here, right?”

  I laid a hand on Carter's tense shoulder even as Jay glared at me. I knew that look. He didn't need words to communicate what he was thinking. Get back to the campsite. Get away. Run.

  “Yeah,” Carter said, rolling his shoulders back. “Everything's good.”

  Relieved, I turned back to face the fire and hopefully get my friend and my boyfriend out of possibly getting their asses kicked. But when my face, as well as the rest of me, was illuminated by the flames, someone let out a whistle.

  “I like that one,” voiced one of the men.

  “Wanna hang with some real men?”

  A rough hand reached out and pinched my backside and before I'd even had a chance to turn around, Jay had shoved the guy to the ground.

  “Get your fucking hands off her!”

  My breath stalled in my throat as I felt the air grow thick as every thug sitting around the campfire bristled to attention.

  “Jay,” I choked out, pulling on his arm as I silently begged him to move, to take me and everyone else and just pack our shit and leave. “Jay, please!”

  Carter must have felt the shift as well. “Dude, there's two of us and six of them, c'mon.”

  Thankfully, Jay listened to reason and took a step back, shaking his head as he grabbed me around the shoulders and steered me toward the rest of our friends who were all watching, terrified.

  Of course, the idiot on the ground took that moment to speak up. “That's right. Keep on walkin', and take Frankenbabe there with ya.”

  In a flash, everything around me came crashing down.

  Before I could get a word in or reach out to stop him, Jay backpedaled and was on the guy in seconds.

  “Jay, no!”

  My world slowed to a stop. My feet were lead. I couldn't move, couldn't run, couldn't do a damn thing to help.

  I watched, unsure what to do, as the man who easily had fifty pounds on Jay, grabbed him around the middle, picked him up, and slammed him back to the ground.

  “No!”

  Carter was at his side in an instant, trying to pull the behemoth off him so he could stand. It was all a flying mess of hands and knees and feet. By the time Jay was standing, Carter's nose was bloodied and he was blinking through tears.

  Stop... Just please stop.

  Those particular words wouldn't come, even though I was screaming them in my head.

  The man, who seemed to be nothing more than a tornado of muscles and fists, went after Jay again. And again. Redirecting all the adrenaline in my system, I was finally able to get my bearing and rush to grab Jay. I just needed to get a firm grip so I could beg him to run to safety. To run with me.

  But what we need, and what we get, are often two very different things.

  I clung to Jay, one hand on his wrist, the other on the giant's chest, trying my damnedest to push them apart. I silently begged for both of them to let go, to end this ridiculous scuffle, but no one was budging.

  “Get back!” Veronica's voice was way too close and I swung my head around to find her reaching for me. “Get away from the ledge!”

  By the time I felt the gravel shifting beneath my feet, it was too late.

  With Veronica's hand clinging to my shirt, my hand wrapped around Jay's wrist, and the stranger's hand wound halfway around Jay's throat- we all went over the cliff together.

  I expected to black out after that- for the world to become muddy. But it didn't.

  I knew before it all happened that, for as long as I lived, I'd remember every millisecond of that moment in striking detail.

  I would remember falling.

  I would remember looking at Jay.

  I would remember Jay looking at me.

  I would remember Jay planting a hand on my chest.

  I would remember being shoved, along with my friend, away from the rock face.

  And I would remember hitting the water.

  ***

  Bubbles.

  Millions of tiny bubbles swirled around, tickling my exposed skin as I fought to remember which way was up. Without the sun, it was impossible to tell which direction would lead me to the surface of the water.

  Panic began to overtake me and I opened my eyes wide before flailing my arms in the wrong direction.

  “Bree.”

  I swiveled my head around as fast as I could in the thick water and came face to face with sad blue eyes. Eyes that definitely didn't belong underwater.

  “That way,” Jake whispered, pointing the direction, lighting my way to survival.

  I kicked for all I was worth. I paddled my arms until... I broke through the surface. Taking in a deep, burning breath, I wiped the water from my eyes as I wheezed and searched the darkness.

  “Jay!... Veronica!”

  Coughing a few feet away caught my attention and I swam toward the noise blindly.

  “Bree?” Veronica cried.

  “I'm here. Right here.” I reached out and found her shoulders. “Are you okay?”

  “I'm fine,” she said, tears and water mixing on her cheeks.

  Knowing she was alive and breathing, I turned back to the water.

  “Jay?”

  I started paddling.

  “Jay!”

  My heart was doing double time. I had to find him. How could we have been so reckless? So stupid? I already knew that I'd spend the rest of my life replaying that scene over and over in my head.

  Movement caught my eye and I froze. Up on the shore, someone too large to be Jay was climbing out of the water.

  “Where is he?” I screamed.

  The man looked back at me with cold, but startled, eyes.

  “He didn't come back up?” He called back.

  “No! He didn't!” My panic was threatening to choke me, but before I could fall apart, before the pain in my heart swallowed me whole, I had to find him.

  “Where is he?”

  I paddled.
<
br />   I kicked.

  I screamed.

  “Bree!” A male voice called out. “Bree, over there!”

  Jerking my head up, my heart sank to the bottom of the lake when I found Carter leaning over the edge of the bluff, illuminate by what little moonlight shone on the top of the cliff.

  “He's there! Do you see him?” He pointed out into the water and I followed his finger.

  Squinting and fighting through the waves, I made my tired muscles swim viciously until I found him. “Jay!”

  My heart, the heart that Jay had just professed his love to, went cold.

  “Call 911!” My voice was shrill even to my own ears as I screamed up to the heavens. “He's not breathing!”

  Chapter Sixteen

  As soon as we made it to shore with Jay's limp body, I swung my legs over his lap to straddle him and began chest compressions.

  “C'mon, Jay. Don't do this. Not now.”

  With my fingers laced together, I pumped his chest even as my vision blurred with tears. I couldn't lose him. But first, I couldn't lose myself. I had to hold onto what shred of control I had left because the man beneath my hands, the man who wasn't breathing – that was the man I loved.

  “Jay!” I breathed my life, my passion, my devotion into his mouth. “Jay, please!”

  “Oh God, oh God,” Veronica whimpered as she paced the ground beside us.

  “Veronica! Get down here! Put her ear right next to his mouth. Listen for him to breathe.”

  She nodded before pushing her hair out of her face and leaning over Jay, sobbing as I worked.

  Carter and the girls finally skidded down the hill and joined us and I'd never been more thankful to see them in my entire life.

  “Call 911!” I screamed as I pumped his heart with everything I had in me.

  “We did,” Carter said shakily. “We already did.”

  “And?” I roared.

  “They're on their way.” His eyes were glazed over, flitting between Jay's closed eyes and Veronica's shaking shoulders.

  I pumped.

  I cried.

  I prayed.

  I pumped some more.